Simultaneous NRE

Time for an update. I posted specifically about the herpes issue in a separate thread.

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=55975

Ginger has not dated C since their first little meet and greet. He says he's been too busy and plus, his allergies to ragweed have been hitting him big-time.

So, one less thing for me to worry about. I'm taking a big break from trying to date anyone new. Too much going on, and I am out of time and emotional resources to care to take on anyone new, with all their fucking problems! At this point I just feel like I don't ever want another bf or gf. Ugh! Having a potential try to kill himself has really done a number on me.

miss p is still IMing with SB, and now this new guy, who is something of a Dom, is trying to get with her. She likes him but is putting him off because of us being so busy. No plans to meet with SB again anytime soon either, afaik.

Ginger had his 2nd date, first sleepover, with Mischa a couple days ago, and as I said in the linked thread, there was not much in the way of sexy time. Talking about her herpes, holding her as she cried about her infections and her loss of 3 relationships over the summer, sounds like most of their date.

Even though he's super sexual with me, Ginger is fine with having less sexual relationships with others. He's maintained long term relationships where there was little to no sex. So, he'd be OK with carrying on asexually with Mischa, doing snuggling only. But he told me she may not be fine with that, herself. She works one day a week 1/2 hr away from him, so *could* come spend the night once a week, if she didnt have any other commitments that evening. But they didn't plan a subsequent date the other day. She's kind of in rebound mode from her recent breakups with the other 3 guys. Plus trying to figure out this damn herpes thing.

Please can I have just one week with no one having major crises to deal with here?

My dear sister is flying up from Fla to spend a few days with us, see the new house and town. She gets here Monday. And in other non poly news, I got a lead on a new childcare job and will be working for them next Thursday, hours after my sister leaves. Ah, normal life, non poly, just living. Enough with all these "lovers" and their suicides and herpes! Sheesh!
 
Been a while since I updated. miss pixi had some drama in her work situation that was extremely stressful, her emotions got all out of whack, and that even led to her back going out. Therapy and meds and a lot of angst for weeks on end. It's finally dealt with and for the last week or so she has been feeling better and not needing so much support and caretaking.

So now we are back to more frequent sex, she can cook for me again, work on her website job, do house projects, hobbies, and some fun dates. Yay!

In news with Ginger, all his other potentials have fallen through for one reason or another, so nothing to be dealt with or talked about or scheduled for on that side. He's got a wife, we share his time, that's that.

We go hiking, dancing, work on household projects together, and now that basketball season is about to start, he can use my TV to watch, since he doesn't have cable.

I still find myself completely uninterested in dating anyone besides my two current loves. :)
 
I still find myself completely uninterested in dating anyone besides my two current loves. :)

Sounds wonderful!!! Thanks for sharing!!
 
I hadn't had a date or even anyone interesting PM me on OKC since July. Finally one guy stood out from the okc crowd. Most messages I get are boring: "hi," or gross: some form of "i want to fuck u," but this guy took the time to read my profile and write in a way that indicated we shared some interests. A few PMs led to him asking for my yahoo chat ID, we had 2 chats, he asked me out, we set a tentative day/time for that 10 days hence. He seemed nice, cute, stable, well employed, a 50 year old divorced father of 2 college age girls. Intelligent and a good speller and flirty.

Then he stopped talking to me. A couple times he IMed me when I was away from keyboard and signed off before I saw it. Finally I checked OKC and saw he'd been on there earlier in the day... so I PMed him asking where he was.

He responded with a PM and finally chatted me when I was online, only to say he was really busy at work and with a major household project and had to postpone our date.

Sigh... I've lost what little interest I had in him. We are only a 70% match, he lives 25 miles away. I am so over "dating," that if he's making it difficult this early on to meet or even cyberly communicate, I just don't have the energy.

In other poly news, since miss pixi is feeling so good these days, her libido is quite high. I have been out working a couple of nights when Ginger has come over to watch basketball on our big screen TV... and he and miss p have had their first two one-on-one sexy times-- cuddling and groping during the game and more focused sex during halftime.

In one way, I am so glad they are enjoying each other without me there in the mix. OTOH, it really does throw me to come home from work and find them entangled on the couch, sexy glows on their faces, most clothing gone from their bodies.

I am not jealous. They both give me plenty of quality time and attention of all kinds. I keep trying to analyze why I feel uneasy at their sexual relationship. Maybe because miss p has so often rejected me sexually. Well, she's kept Ginger at arm's length plenty of times too.

Maybe it's as simple as seeing them together goes against my mono programming... It's just so... ODD to come home and find my 2 lovers/partners in a clinch. And they always hug so sensuously and kiss when Ginger arrives and leaves.

Ginger isn't good at talking about his feelings, being a guy and Aspie to boot. He mostly prefers to support me with touch, hugs, kisses, cuddles, sex. miss p, however, has reassured me verbally with her honesty around her feelings for him, her desire for him, her feelings for me. She said out of the blue the other day, after having had Ginger sexually the night before, regarding his sexuality: "Ginger really is irresistible, isn't he? How does he do it? Is it some mystical pagan power?" I know, I feel his power too, and I love it.

I think I just need to adjust to this "new normal." It's so different from how I've lived my life before. Sometimes I wish I had 2 separate relationships, and these 2 didn't feel attracted and do sex together. I am not a voyeur so I don't "get off" on seeing them touching and kissing each other.

miss p seems to have a touch of NRE for Ginger and vice versa. And both their dating pools are small. She has a physical disability and is pre op transgender. Ginger is 61 and poly/married and definitely an all around "alternative" sort of guy. So I don't feel I should begrudge them finding each other and playing together and becoming closer.

None of this is me complaining, per se. Just a vent to see if it helps me adjust to this new normal.
 
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I've been with my miss pixi 5 years and I do not get jealous when she's talking to someone else online, or actually meets someone and starts a relationship. I just find it cute.

But Ginger, oh boy. When he's with someone else I do get jealous! I just overthink it every time, feel angry he is poly and needs more more more.

It's so odd! I love that he's experienced at poly. He's married and been with his wife over 20 years, and I am not jealous of them. But when he dates someone new, my emotions get all stirred up, even though, rationally, I have no reason to fear.

I've been with him 2 years. From the start, he and miss pixi have been attracted and flirty and we've had 3ways probably 6 or 7 times. Also, they kiss and hug and cuddle a lot, pretty much every time he comes over.

The last 3some we had (on New Year's Eve) was the first time (in 2 years!) I didn't feel all jealous and dissatisfied when I thought it over the morning after. This stuff takes practice! What helped me, I think, was that we all know each others' needs and preferences now. In times past, I would be left hanging and not feeling like I'd had enough orgasms because Ginger would be so excited to have miss pixi in the mix, they'd get it on, I'd be somewhat involved but not really, and then they'd be done and I'd either have to lie there quivering and unfulfilled, or have to *ask* for someone to help me out, and resent having to ask, because that made me feel like they weren't thinking of ME, just each other. I know, I know, one needs to speak up, but god, why would they be so selfish? I had to hammer this home with both of them...

This recent time, Ginger and I had sex privately first, then we all cuddled and watched a movie, then when it was over, they started making out, so I left the room for a while to give them space.... eventually coming back in, watching, and then touching them both some, fingering, stroking, oral. Once they were done, both of them took turns getting me off some more. That seemed to be key. I didn't need to ask, for once! "Hey, over here! Horny woman watching her 2 loves getting it on got turned on and needs to cum!"

miss p got me off a few times, fingering and spanking me, and then she left the room and Ginger was turned on again from what she did to me, so he and I played some more. Once we finally ramped down, miss p came back in and we all watched some more TV and cuddled some more. It was just nice! Even the next morning I had no uneasy thoughts or jealousies.

BUT---
 
This year, Ginger had dated, or attempted to date, 3 people, and now there's a 4th! So, get this, he's married, he has me as a gf, he has miss p as a FWB (for lack of a better term), he's dated 2 women (one date with one, no sparks, 2-3 dates w a woman with herpes, who dumped him when he was unable to deal with dating a person with active lesions), tried to get together with a man (first time he tried to date a guy even tho he's always felt bi), but the guy "got lost" for both their dates and they never hooked up.

Now, he's got yet another woman on the line. They had one date, she acted lukewarm, she's newly divorced and on OKC. She is getting deluged with messages, she has 2 bfs already, and then she messaged Ginger. Greedy!

On their date she'd just come from an overnight with one of her bfs. She acted standoffish and shy and was not flirty. Ginger made it sound boring.

However somehow they've kept chatting online and trying to make a second date happen. So, now, a few wks after their first date, she's finally coming to his place to go xcountry skiing on his property... sigh. I am jealous again.

The guy has 3 women in his life already. Does he really need a 4th, for goodness sake? Apparently he does, or at least wants it. Why is it so hard for me to match my emotions to my rational understandings? Why can't I just think of this as Ginger doing a hobby, or having a friend, or a little adventure? Why do I feel so threatened? I know he won't dump me, I know he'll be with me soon and give me love and attention and bring me joy.

Ugh. I feel so stupid sometimes.

I asked him today if he is excited. He said, yes, and stupidly jumpy, and he "hates the initial stuff." In other words, he's not a NRE junkie. So, why does he do this?
 
So, why does he do this?

Because he can?

As you know very well, dating doesn't often lead to an actual relationship, so it will take more than a few tries with several people for any dating to go that way, if that's what he wants. Since he hates the initial dating part, but is willing to go through that stuff, it would seem he is open to another relationship happening. However, it might not be that he has an urgent need for another partner, but simply enjoys the fact that he has the freedom to explore or pursue if he wants to. Probably keeps his OKC profile up just to see what it brings him. So, when an opportunity presents itself (herself, himself), maybe he just thinks, "why not see what happens?" He has that kind of free-spirit-open-to-possibility personality, right? Or maybe he gets bored easily and thrives when he has many varied relationships in his life to keep him occupied, stimulated, and entertained. And he knows he can't be with you all the time, or his wife, or miss pixi.

I would also say that, ironically, he probably feels secure enough in his relationships with his wife, you, and miss p, that he can look to see who else he might click with. If it were me in your situation, I would probably just want to make sure I am not taken for granted or expected not to have a reaction, though I don't think he would intentionally do that.

Have you ever just asked him point blank: "You have three women in your life now and don't enjoy dating, so why do you want more?"
 
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Thanks, Cindie. What you say makes sense. "Because I can." That's it.

Yeah, it's not that I feel taken for granted, it's just that he won't friggin tell me what's going on. It's not that he's hiding anything, he said just now he "doesn't need to process" as much as I do.

So maddening.

His new interest is a Buddhist. (Let's call her Buddhist as a nickname.) So, she's "not attached" and now Ginger is acting like I should be unattached as well, to any outcome or anything happening at all, with her, or between us because of her.

Screw that! I need to know what the hell is going on with this man who is important to me. I should just ignore it? Excuse me. Being unattached sounds, to me, like a cop out way of saying, I'm gonna do what I want and pretend I don't want security and a bond with people. I'm going to go with the flow and not inform others of what I am doing or feeling because, "I don't need to 'over-process.' "

Apparently, Buddhist is unattached. So, now Ginger, the pagan, is all of a sudden unattached as well? And I am supposed to be unattached too? Just like, "Whatever dude. Talk to you sometime." Hm, I never pretended to be Buddhist.
 
Have you ever just asked him point blank: "You have three women in your life now and don't enjoy dating, so why do you want more?"

I didn't ask this per se, but a month or so ago, I did mention what a busy year he's had with all this dating, whereas the first year we were together he didnt date anyone beside me, and miss p.

His answer was, all these people, the guy, C, Mischa and now Buddhist, contacted him first. I guess he just can't resist when someone new wants to hook up... Curiosity. And he has a v high sex drive, of course. Likes variety.

I always feel like I want to pull back when he tries to get with someone new. I take it as a personal insult. Like, my feelings about what he's doing don't matter to him, I "over process," according to him. :mad:

Oh, besides being a so-called Buddhist, she's also a so-called sub and already has a so-called Dom. I just gather these scraps of info about her, it's like pulling teeth.
 
What kind of dynamic is there between his wife and him? Are they more like very close, best friends who are fine with the other doing whatever (or whoever) they want?

Well... They both have Asperger's and so do their 2 sons. They both need a lot of space. His wife R is more Aspie than Ginger. She needs her routines. They take a walk every morning and read a book out loud every evening; they call it "stories" altho it's usually non fiction.

Otherwise, they do household errands and chores together. They love each other but never say it. R has an extremely low sex drive and they only have sex 3 or 4 times a year. Ginger of course, has a high sex drive and I am sure that is partly why they are poly. R doesn't date others, never has.

A few years ago, when both their sons were in college, Ginger wanted to travel cross country with R, which had been their plan at one point. But she no longer wanted to. So, after some heated discussions, off he went on his own in his VW Eurovan. Finding women to date and bed along the way. All R cared about was that there was plenty of firewood cut to heat the house.

Oh, and there is a big difference between "unattached" and "detached," I think.

Yeah, I feel like he is asking me to be detached from what he does with or feels for Buddhist.

Gah, sometimes I hate men. Damn them and their muscles and cocks, and beards and testosterone, and hairy cuddly chests and arms.

Sometimes I just hate people in general. And hate life as well.

This will pass....


OOOMMM... (said sarcastically)
 
It sounds to me like you're dating a man with Asperger's, who is behaving like someone on the spectrum. He doesn't connect to people the way that you do and probably finds the Buddist's philosophy similar to how he experiences connecting with partners. I know that is hard for you to accept, but I don't think it even occurs to him to give you some of the things you want (such as information about this woman).
 
Yes, it can be extremely frustrating sometimes.

... Occurs to me, when *I* have a prospective person to date, he's got all kinds of questions for *me* about that person, my feelings for him, plans we are making for first date!
 
A little while ago I got really stressed out because I had all these fun, casual relationships that I felt I had to maintain simply because... It's hard to explain... It felt like because I am poly and these particular people hadn't done anything wrong, I had to sort of keep seeing them. I'd agree to a first date with someone compatible, have fun but know it won't be anything long term but agree to a second date because I'd think that we could have something positive even if we wouldn't be super entangled. It didn't occur to me that in order for us to have this something, it's going to take resources that I can't spare.

It was only when I realised that it was causing me to be unhappy and stressed because I wasn't able to spend the amount of time I wanted to with the people I had the deepest bond because I felt this burdensome obligation.

I had to take a deep breath and mentally prioritise my relationships so they became manageable and I had the me time I require. Yeah, it takes willpower and it is still annoying when you have to pass up casual stuff you know will be fun, but I ultimately want more entangled relationships so I have to structure my life in a way that allows space to form and maintain them.

As well as the lack of resources to maintain the relationships, the constant interaction with different people, different communication styles etc was hell from an autistic perspective. I became hypersensitive to noise and touch. The extent of how it affected me only became evident with hindsight.
 
You sound really frustrated with yourself and I don't think that there is any need. It seem to me like it is perfectly reasonable to be bothered when somebody close is starting up a new and potentially important relationship. These things take time to build and as there is only so much time in a day, spending time building something with a new person might (might not, of course) mean less time for the more established relationship.

It's how you deal with it that matters I think. You always seem to be relaxed, happy and committed to dealing with any problems in a constructive way. So I think you will ultimately be fine.

I just hate to hear of you beating yourself up for not being fine right now.

I hope that life seems more normal for you soon.

IP
 
Thanks for the feedback. I appreciate it.

I talked to Ginger last night. His date with Buddhist went really well.

It was a lovely day out in the snow, skiing around, then he showed her around his main house and his cabin.

Then, yeah, sexy time. Sounds like a major makeout and "petting" session. In fact, she was rarin' to go all the way! He put the brakes on. He told me he didn't feel ready, they hadn't even had the safer sex talk yet.

So much for her being shy.

And this morning just now.... we chatted and he's still all pumped and happy. He also "wants, almost needs" to see me and hold me and, I guess, reassure me of his affection.

He is in a classic state of NRE, ecstasy tinged with anxiety. Worry I am OK. Worry about whether Buddhist really likes him enough to fit him into her life.

How do I feel? Not good. I feel like a sister wife, it feels Biblical. Patriarchal. Yuck, I feel sick to my stomach. I don't feel special. Just one of a harem, one more hole for his seed.

Doesn't help I am a typical Leo and this hurts my pride.

I think he wants to come over this morning. Basketball game tonight he would like to watch on our new big projector HDTV, but they are calling for freezing rain starting this aft, and the game is at 7.

I'm sure he wants to make passionate love to me, partly to make me feel good, but no doubt he's all horny from Buddhist, and so I get the leftovers from that. Typical poly stuff.

At least he's verbalizing the events of yesterday and talking about our emotions, instead of this pseudo-Buddhist "unattached" crap of yesterday.

So, he went off to get breakfast and have his morning walk... said he'd chat me later.

Last night after I heard how wonderful his date was, miss p and I just cuddled on the couch miserably for a while, then I went to bed early, exhausted.

Too bad my feelings around this, and his feelings, are so disparate. I don't want to rain on his parade too much! But I do want to be honest about my feelings too.
 
Oh, and tomorrow is our 2 year anniversary of our first date. It's obvious that hasn't even occurred to him.
 
Oh, and tomorrow is our 2 year anniversary of our first date. It's obvious that hasn't even occurred to him.

I'm sorry that you are feeling this way... but to be fair that would never occur to a LOT of people! (Me for instance :rolleyes:) - in 21+ years of marriage I have managed to remember our wedding anniversary before the day was over...twice? a half-dozen times? (at, maybe, 11:58 PM - usually while I'm not home)?

(PS. luckily no-one, except maybe Lotus, pays attention to dates...so it doesn't really matter... Dude and I "made up" and anniversary - at the two-ish year mark - just so we could say we had one!)

(PPS. we don't really do birthdays either...so it's fairly consistent! I can't ever remember my Dad's actual birthday even yet...and I'm trying.)
 
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Oh, and tomorrow is our 2 year anniversary of our first date. It's obvious that hasn't even occurred to him.

Remind him. Suggest doing something together. Dates are not meaningful to me particularly either. After 40 years on the planet, I still can't remember my mum's birthday. Or the birthday of any of my nephews.

Beyond knowing it was sometime in the summer of 2010, I couldn't say when the anniversary is of my partner and I meeting again for the first time.

IP

P.S. I meant it when I said that I have the utmost confidence in your ability to deal with this well. You are one of the people on this board who fill me with hope with your writings. You care about your loves and want them to be happy (in fact, you care about people in general) and you are intentional about the life you lead - so, I think that the things are in place that will allow you to find a way to deal with this well. :)
 
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