The gods must be crazy

Sekhmet

New member
Hi everyone!

I've got a thread over in the poly relationships forum, but I just discovered this section and I think I'd prefer to tell my story here.

My husband Q and I have been together for 7 years, married 5. He was my first, well, everything, sexually, beyond second base.:eek: When I get interested in something, I research the hell out of it, which lead me to the Sex is Fun podcast, which led me to Poly Weekly. I listened to at least a hundred of those, not with the intent of being poly, but because I was interested and I love the open communication. I told Q then that I would be open to talking about opening our relationship. Neither of us had anyone we were interested in, but we agreed that we'd talk about it if someone came up.

He's only been with a handful of women, and only two PiV. He has a son with that ex. My stepson (Loki) lives with us and has since shortly after our wedding.

The emotions of being a stepparent can be very similar to the ones dealt with in a polyship. You have to share your SO's time and resources, you don't necessarily like the person(s) you have to share with, etc. There can be jealousy, envy, feelings of neglect, etc. We went through all of them. I adore my stepson, but it was HARD to go from a relationship of mostly just the two of us to sharing each other with another person (albeit, a 4-year-old boy).

I truly believe I did a lot of the emotional work that would lead to my being okay with poly then.

Q is a flirt, and always has been. Last week though, he told me that his flirting with our friend Miss M had gone from casual to...with intent? She had pulled him aside and asked him how inappropriate they were being and if she needed to back off. That's when Q told her about our agreement. He said he'd have to talk to me, and they left things there.

When he brought it up with me, I was a bit shocked; after all, it had never actually come up in the 7 years we've been together. I told him that I needed to sort through a bunch of feelings and that I wasn't saying "no," just saying "wait."

He and I texted all day (because, of course he had waited until 30 minutes before I had to be at work to bring it up :rolleyes: ) and I felt...mostly okay with moving things forward, but slowly. Miss M and I texted a bit too. I immediately looked up which books were most recommended, and bought Opening Up that night.

Thursday, I started texting in earnest with Miss M. Neither one of us have done anything like this before, and we both felt better talking about things, though it was, in her words, "new frontiers in awkwardness!" :p I've agreed to loan her Opening Up as soon as Q and I are done with it. She and Q set up a date for last night. It was agreed that there would be no sex (intercourse) among a few other minor agreements. I asked Q to text me to check in, and I brought Ativan to work with me in case I needed it.

Everyone had a lovely night, and I didn't have any feelings that I needed to work through. At the time, anyway! :p She had posted on her Facebook that she had no plans for Easter and didn't want to be alone today, so I impulsively texted her that she was welcome to hang out with us. Eventually she told me that she was afraid of the awkwardness between her and I. I understand that; I was just in a hurry to push through that. I did apologize; it's ironic that I asked her to work at my pace and didn't respect her right to do the same. :eek:

She and Q are seeing each other tomorrow night again, while Loki is at his grandma's for the night. They've discussed her testing status, and agreed to use condoms with spermicide, and will likely be having sex tomorrow (tonight?). I'm 95% sure I'll be fine. I have asked that he not spend the night. I won't be at work, and I don't want to be alone all night.


That was really long. Welcome to my little drama if you made it through that, and if not, that's okay! I think it helped me to type it out.:D
 
Feelings, boundaries...

I've been trying to figure out where our boundaries are with all this. The thought of Q with another woman turns me on, but I understand and respect the fact that Miss M doesn't really want him sharing details with me. I told her that I would ask for as few details as possible while still making me be okay with everything. She agreed, and I think I honored that. All I asked Q is if they kissed and made out.

I really like Miss M, and I hope the awkwardness between us goes away soon. She said she's not ready to hang out with me yet, and I understand. I'm pretty sure we're going to do our first hang out with our bigger group of friends, and with alcohol present to grease the wheels. I'm okay with that, but I want to feel normal now! *temper tantrum*:rolleyes:

Q has a pierced penis, and I've asked that he not use the ring or barbell with her during intercourse. I don't think this will be a forever boundary, but I want to have something that is "ours" while getting used to the idea of another person in his life.
 
My fridge is broken.

Q went to Miss M's tonight and had permission to have sex. I was doing okay, though feeling like shit physically due to a combination of allergies and yard work.

I took a benadryl and went to bed, texting Q the plan. Woke up just before midnight and Q wasn't home. He had been expecting to be home around then. I waited, and finally texted him that I was up and wonderful where he was. Ten minutes later, I texted again, saying that I was freaking out. He finally texted back saying he'd lost track of time and he was on his way home, sorry.

I started crying soon after that. He called and we talked, ok, I cried and he talked. I don't even really know why I'm crying. He's promised to hold me when he gets home which I'm sure will help.
 
Well, it's morning and we survived the night.

Q got home and did hold me. I'm pretty sure I was crying out of fear and illness. My lungs still feel like they're going to explode. If I hadn't already worked overtime this week, I wouldn't be at work today. That, and I'm sure it's allergies that went into my lungs and not something contagious. The fear was set off because he wasn't home when I expected (we hadn't set a specific time, more of an "around") and then didn't answer my text. I was afraid he didn't want to come home.


Q told me this morning that he felt bad and guilty for making me cry. I asked him to try not to, since he didn't really do anything wrong. He was expecting me to be asleep. Hell, I was expecting me to be asleep! I did ask him to agree to be home at a specific time in the future, at least for now. And pointed out that we've learned not to do new things when I'm this kind of sick! Not to mention the two overnight shifts in a row which completely threw off my sleep schedule. I'm going to talk to my boss about getting off those.

I'm torn over how much to tell Miss M. I don't want her to feel the guilt that Q has been feeling, and knowing her, she probably would.
 
Maybe just let her know that it was rougher than you thought it'd be, and that you have jointly responded by deciding to set specific "home by x-o'clock" times for a while, but that overall you're doing good, feeling strong and cared for in the marriage, and still looking forward to continuing to explore. Assuming that all actually feels accurate? More detail than that shouldn't be necessary.
 
Excellent advice, Annabel, thank you. :eek:
 
Crappy day.

Felt terrible all day; I really hope this isn't going into pneumonia. This kind of sick makes me incredibly emotional, and I was on the verge/in tears often. Got through work without anyone noticing more than I didn't feel good though. That's a plus.

I came home and Q and I made love. It was really nice, and all I could do not to sob through the whole thing. What is wrong with me?! He was amazing, considering that his usual response to tears is to leave in frustration. He did tell me that I was impossible to deal with at that moment. I couldn't exactly argue.:eek: Ended up doing a breathing treatment and taking a nap. Woke up feeling better, but not good.

Q went to the gym with Miss M, and said he'd be back as soon as they were done. Which, of course, translated into them talking for an hour in the parking lot afterward. We've decided that they'll generally do the gym on the nights he goes to her place anyway, to save me some frustration.

Q asked how often he could go to her place. He told me he wants to be in two places at once <3 . Maybe two or three times a week? I don't know. I don't know if I'm ready for that often, but I think as I feel physically better and spend some time with them this weekend, I might feel differently.

I'm frustrated because I read/skimmed through Opening Up and asked Q to do the same, and he hasn't yet. I even highlighted/dogeared the parts that I really thought were important. I don't want to nag. I just don't want to feel like I'm doing most of the work either.


The positives:

:) The three of us are hanging out with friends on Friday night, and I think I'll feel better then. I haven't seen Miss M in person since before all this went down.

:) Q and I are communicating better than we ever have. He listens, and doesn't judge (too much!:p) when I'm completely irrational and emotional.

:) I've been keeping the conversational lines open with Miss M, and I think we're doing well too. The awkwardness is getting better.
 
Advice

I've noticed users saying that people tend not to give advice on blogs.

I wanted to put it out there, that if you get through my ramblings and have anything that you think is helpful, please share! I promise to work on not taking it personally, even if it's not what I want to hear.

:)
 
Blogs are not supposed to be a place for debate and arguing with the OP but advice and feedback are okay, and often freely given. So, you're good to go. But there are so many threads here and only so much time, that sometimes posts won't be answered right away.

Getting to your situation...

To me it sounds like you and Q are in pretty good shape. You are able to talk about hard topics and difficult feelings, and he seems willing to make adjustments for you to be comfortable. Where I do see potential for some problems to possibly crop up is that you seem like you get impatient with yourself, and judge yourself a bit too much. It's like you seem to say, "I should be more okay with this than I am, what's wrong with me? Well, let me walk into the fire so I can feel the heat and pain and get it over with and handle it better." And then you look around at your partner and his new gf, who are in different places, and you say, "Hey, wait, you aren't with me? WTF? What am I doing wrong?"

If I were you, I would tell Q that you are comfortable right now with him seeing Miss M once a week, and that you want him to read Opening Up and talk with you about it before it increases to more often than that. Or you can read it together. Tell him you want him to be happy, but need time to absorb and deal with each step along the way. This is the beginning of making agreements.

I strongly feel that no one should make rules about relationships they are not in, but a partner's needs are important and it's often been said that it is a good idea to go at the pace of the one struggling the most. I think you are wise not to forbid them from having sex. And it's perfectly okay that you are also looking out for you in a few ways (asking for a curfew, and wanting something to be special with the, "No hardware on your dick when you're with her"). Know that these boundaries may eventually need to be relaxed after a time, but you are not being unreasonable now. Time constraints and other obligations that make time management an issue are definitely something that needs to be respected by everyone.

No one needs to rush into anything, whether it is Q getting involved with Miss M, you trying to make yourself feel okay with it, or Miss M becoming a friend of yours. They just started seeing each other and having sex, so it can only be a good thing for them to temper it a bit and not get lost in the euphoria that the hormones bring up. It's only brain chemistry - they don't need to give into it just because they want it. See this site: Your Brain on Sex.

Keep talking, keep looking at your thoughts and feelings, and be aware of old, self-defeating beliefs. You can also tell him about this site and this thread and have him join, read, and add his side of the story so both of you can get guidance and feedback.
 
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But there are so many threads here and only so much time, that sometimes posts won't be answered right away.

Ok, good. I know every forum has its own ebb and flow and I just wanted to make sure people weren't avoiding my thread for other reasons!

Where I do see potential for some problems to possibly crop up is that you seem like you get impatient with yourself, and judge yourself a bit too much. It's like you seem to say, "I should be more okay with this than I am, what's wrong with me? Well, let me walk into the fire so I can feel the heat and pain and get it over with and handle it better." And then you look around at your partner and his new gf, who are in different places, and you say, "Hey, wait, you aren't with me? WTF? What am I doing wrong?"

Haha, you just met me, how did you get inside my head?!:p

Point taken. I am trying to hurry myself. I feel like I'm slowing them down and I don't want to do that more than I have to, so I push. I'll have to try to find a balance there.

Time constraints and other obligations that make time management an issue are definitely something that needs to be respected by everyone.

Time management is one of the bigger things making me nervous just now. I really enjoy alone time, but I also have issues with feeling left out (in general, not with Q), so I'm trying to balance those. I think Monday would have gone better if I hadn't been so sick. Who knew it would hit me so fast?!

I'll check out that link when I've got a second, thanks. I want them to enjoy the NRE, but I don't want to be left behind. Not to say that Q is doing that at all! Just insecurities.

I shared the link to this blog with Q last night. Miss M also knows about the forum, though I don't think she's read the post. I told Q I wouldn't mind if she did. Everything I've written, I shared previously with at least Q. I don't think Q will join; he doesn't do forums like I do, but I'll suggest it!

Miss M and I are friends, but I wouldn't say close friends. I think we're doing well on that front. Not pushing too hard. :)


Thanks again for your feedback! I really appreciate it!
 
in response to how often he can see Miss M, my little corner of poly works like this. Karma and I have a day/ night together, and the next two days are between he and Mohegan or just by himself. I think that as for three days a week, that might be a bit much in the beginning. I used to think that seeing Karma more meant that he wanted to be with me more, but thats not really a fair way of looking at it. What about having a specific night for the three of you in the beginning of the week or the weekend and take the time and schedules as they come? Then you can sit down and discuss any new feelings and emotions that have come up in the previous few days. Im new, but this makes sense to me.
 
Lots of different ways to handle it, but one night a week to start seems reasonable to me, maaaaybe two. Three is almost half the week, that seems like a lot when he has not only you, but also housework, time to himself, and the rest of his life to think about.
 
Q is concerned that limiting his time with Miss M to once a week will lead him to resent me. I understand his point of view. We're working out a compromise. He saw her two evenings this week, one with all of us, and he went over there this morning, which was fine because I slept through most of it.

Our hang out last night went well. Q told me that Miss M was particularly nervous because she knows that this whole thing would end if I gave the word. I wouldn't do that to either of them without a damn good reason. I can't even think of a good enough hypothetical-yet-realistic reason right now. I did tell her this.

Q is having a terrible time with condoms. He's never had to use them consistently, and has only gotten off once with Miss M. He's asked me to work on my feelings about the hardware restriction, to see if that would help. It's worth a shot.
 
I told Q that he could use his hardware, and he said it helped. I'm glad.

We had a really nice weekend and even invited Miss M to spend Saturday evening with us, but she had homework.

I opened an OKC account, admittedly because I was doing the "if he's got a GF then I want someone" dance. I got over that really fast and changed my profile to make it clear that I was looking for poly people to be friends with. I'm not closed to more, but not looking either.

I have a date on Thursday with what seems like a nice, geeky poly guy. Just hanging out at the mall and talking. He does chainmail jewelry and we might be making something. We'll see how it goes. Q is doing fine with all this. I know he said he would be fine, but it's nice to see evidence that he was right.
 
I'm about to lose my mind.

Loki (the kid) informed his teacher today that he was trying to get in trouble. He's always had behavior problems when there isn't a parent present. In kinder, we actually attended school with him, all day, every day. And he was fine, as long as we were in the room. Not even talking to him/interacting with him.

It's gotten better every year. Until this. I don't even think the behavior was worse than usual (Loki can't keep his hands to himself), just the attitude...he's on a list to be tested for various things, chief among them Oppositional Defiance Disorder. I'd love to get him tested sooner but we can't afford to put him on my insurance, Q's job doesn't offer insurance, and for some unknown reason, the state calculates my income even though I have no legal rights to the child so he doesn't qualify for state insurance (don't get me started on that).

I'm so frustrated.
 
Things with Loki seem to be settling down. I found the part of the state insurance policy that says that a stepparent is not financially responsible for the stepchild, and Q will re-apply with that attached to the paperwork. We've also started a behavior chart where his reward is screen time. We've always done screen time as a given, and taken it away when he had a bad day at school. Now, we're doing it as a reward, and with a time limit, which we've never done before. I'm cautiously optimistic.

As far as poly, things are good. I had a smoothie with a guy from OKC last week and made some chainmail earrings. We had a good time. No sparks flew though. Q is doing great with making sure I don't feel left out; we spent Saturday evening at Miss M's place and had a good time. My favorite moment was when we were playing Cards Against Humanity (it's adult Apples to Apples if you're not familiar) and Miss M was the judge. Q played his card, but she didn't choose it. So he looked at her and said, "I wasted 'my sex life' on you?!?!" :D:p:D:p We're not out to our friends except Miss M's roomie, so only the four of us laughed, but it was pretty funny.
 
I have a date. Like, really a date. Not a "meet a person who happens to be poly and try to be friends and maybe someday it might lead to more." I've been talking to this guy off OKC for a little over a week now and we've been flirting heavily. Even sexting. *blush* Q fully approves and wants details, which OKC guy has okayed giving.

The biggest problem I have with this guy is that he smokes. I don't know yet if that's a dealbreaker for me. I've dated a smoker before, a long time ago, but it never got serious or physical. We'll see. Until then, besides his ability to turn me on completely, he's a geek. Always a plus in my book.:p

Q and Miss M are doing well, and have asked that I consider removing the "no overnights" boundary. I'm pretty sure I'm okay with that, maybe once a week(?) as long as Loki isn't home, since I have to be at work before he's allowed to be at school. Besides, I don't need him asking questions and spreading rumors back to his mother. She might decide it's a reason to ask for custody back.
 
My date was good. Really good. Heavy petting/oral in the car good. *blush*

He's getting the nickname Hermes. I'd like to see him again.

There are a couple issues though. First, we had our date on Wednesday night and I texted him yesterday to say I had a good time and hope he did too. He didn't text me back until 4am today. This is not a huge deal, but I would have appreciated a quicker response. He said he was busy but that he wanted to see me again. That wasn't the first time he'd been slow to text.

The second thing is harder to get over. He has the wonkiest schedule (compared to mine, anyway!) and works 6:30pm to 2:30am with Wednesdays and Thursdays off vs. my 7am to 3pm Tuesday through Friday with either a Saturday evening or Sunday overnight. So it's rare that we're available at the same time. I know part of the texting problem is due to his schedule; he's just not awake and not at work at the same time I am.

He's getting ready to move and it sounds like lots of things are up in the air between him and his primary (she might be moving out of state?) so between that and the fact that we barely know each other I'm inclined to cut him a lot of slack, but I still will talk to him about both of these.

Q wants to meet him, but is wary (for me) about the schedule and the wait time for texting. He pointed out that he wasn't trying to be petty but thought I should decide if I could handle those things before I sleep with Hermes. He's right.

Q also suggested I figure out what I want from this relationship. He doesn't label his relationship with Miss M and said I don't have to label this one, but I should think about it. I don't know. I think I'd like to have a romantic relationship? At the very least, FWB. I don't know what Hermes wants though. He knows I'm not out for casual sex, so that's good.

Oh yeah! He also mentioned in passing that he has a submissive play partner. I don't know how into kink I am, but I do like to be restrained with Q.

Lots to think and talk about...
 
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.

I'm angry. And annoyed. And frustrated. And hurt.

Hermes texted me last night from work and everything seemed good. Just normal conversation, and I told him I was glad he'd texted. He said he'd be really busy tonight at work so might not be able to respond right away. Cool, thanks for the heads up! I thought that was progress.

I didn't hear from him again the entire night. He knew I was home alone because Q was spending the night with Miss M for the first time. He asked if I was enjoying myself or if I was lonely and I answered honestly with "some of both."

I hate that he didn't text again after that. Even after work. I texted a friendly "hope your night was good" around the time he gets off. Obviously, our expectations are different, but I don't know how to change that if I can't even talk to him!!!

And I don't want to let it go. I really like him and I don't want this to be a one night stand and I hate that I let myself get this physical with someone who treats me like this. And I feel like such a teenager saying that because it was just making out and oral, but it was more than I've EVER done with anyone besides Q.

I don't know what to do from here. I know I have no intention of making any sort of first contact.
 
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