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Old 03-27-2012, 06:27 PM
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drtalon drtalon is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Raleigh, NC
Posts: 112

Originally Posted by MeeraReed View Post
I need more resources for how to have not-quite-poly relationships. ... Because someone might have a girlfriend and a FWB, and everyone is open and honest and ethically non-monogamous, but it's not about loving everyone equally.
I wasn't aware loving everyone equally was one of the tenets of poly. I don't even think it's reasonable, since everyone is unique and irreplaceable. In the metaphysics of my universe, it's impossible to love everyone equally. (Or any set of one or more people equally to any other set of one or more people, if you want to get technical about it.)

Can you have a husband and a lover?

How is that different from having a husband and a boyfriend?
You're calling one a lover and one a boyfriend.

Oh, you meant does using those labels for those people in your life carry special meaning about your relationships with them or how you treat each other... In that case, the answer is: it's up to you how those labels indicate different kinds of relationships between you and it's up to you how you treat each other.

Can you have a FWB that you are actually friends with?
Yes. But, more importantly, I think you are hung up on labels to the extent that you're missing the point. You get to decide how you want your relationships work, then you have to negotiate your wants/needs with the people you'd like to have relationships with. If you're lucky, they'll agree or come to compromise with you.

How do you make sure a FWB feels valued and cared for, even while both are clear that it will not progress to a relationship?
How do you make the friends you don't have sex with feel valued and cared for? I think friendships are kinds of relationships, too.

And why is it expected that a FWB is someone you must keep secret and be ashamed about? I've been puzzled in the past when I've had a lover-friend who makes me happy and that I like talking about--but my (platonic) friends don't want to hear about it because we're not "serious" and he's not a "real boyfriend."
I don't agree that FWB have to be kept secret. That said, I also dated (once) a woman who wanted to be FWB but would only be FWB while we both weren't having sex with anyone else. This leads me to believe there are people with ideas about FWB that I completely don't understand.

And how do you meet a new FWB when all the single men who used to be everywhere are now married with babies?
Hi. How you doin'?

I'm childfree by choice and would prefer to remain single, though there are some situations where I would consider marriage as a potential solution.

And anyone who claims to want a FWB really just wants sex with no strings attached?
Maybe. I'm not a woman on a dating site, but I hear it's pretty awful.

Last edited by drtalon; 03-27-2012 at 06:32 PM.
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