Time Frame?

I'm just wondering what is the time frame on being comfortable with all of this. My partner and I (or former partner I guess I should say now) started out with just being able to sleep with other people since April. So about 7 months. We are swingers too since last January. Sex in front of me was never an issue but when I found out that he cheated on me in April I proposed an open relationship. I have battled with it ever since. About a month and a half ago he told me he wanted to open our relationship up to have actual emotional relationships with other people. Since then he has met three different girls and I've reacted badly to too.

Can someone help me please? I try to reassure myself and sometimes I can but I'm just wondering... Does this end? Is it just that I'm not poly and I'm trying to be OK with it for his sake? Can anyone tell me how long it took you to accept all of this??
 
Um, cheating changes the WHOLE dynamic. In order to have a "polyamory" (see multiple LOVES relationship) one must be able to LOVE one person first. Cheating is not loving.
If someone is cheating they aren't loving themselves-someone who loves themself is able to be honest and true about who they REALLY are. Cheating is in and of itself being dishonest and untrue about who you really are. If you can't love yourself-you can't possibly love someone else (which is necessary for a monogomous relationship) and if you can't do BOTH of those it's IMPOSSIBLE to truly love yet more people.

You need to address truth, honesty and realism in your relationship before you can even START to address trust and polyamory inthe relationship.
How long that takes depends entirely on how well you each handle that responsibility.
 
well we didn't know about polyamory then or about open relationships. so the cheating part i understand. it was really hard to get past the issues with that. but i trust him and i know he's honest with me about everything. the trust/honesty part is really not what concerns me. the fear of loss/general feeling of uncomfortableness to the point of panicking when he's with someone else for no good reason is what i'm wondering when it goes away or how long it takes to get past them.

is this normal to feel this way? how long did it take you to become comfortable with your partners being poly?
 
Neither of my partners are poly. I am and they are only JUST getting into it. I didn't "come out" until September 25th about being poly. AND I cheated-which is exactly why I brought that up.

As for the others stuff-communication isn't what the average person thinks it is-it'smuch more complicated.
There is a thread on that... I think on the general forum and there is a post from Ceoli this week that pertains to your question as well. So if you do a search for posts by Ceoli in the last week-you can find a link on dealing with poly... the info is on... xeromag.com I am pretty sure. GREAT info there on dealing with this stuff and also on lovemore.com.

It can go fast-or really slow or never all depending on your willingness (and his/hers) to really go deep in yourself and find the TRUE issues that cause your jealousies and insecurities.

Also-do a search for posts by Mono, Maca, Lovingradiance. You'll find a lot of current helpful details in that as well. Gets tiring to rewrite (and less clear) but there are discussions on exactly this-so do the search. I'll see if I can find the communication one and link it... give me 5 min...
 
I propose that LR officially be appointed this website's reference librarian.
 
I propose (redux) that if someone manages to find this site, they should also have no problems finding information CONTAINED on this site.

I have been told that I overestimate people in regard to this, yet I continue to maintain the validity of the above statement.
 
Sending a newcomer off to find information on their own and chastising anyone who doesn't take such initiative just because they're capable and offering suggestions for where to look have two very different effects on how welcoming a place may seem. Personally, I generally prefer the latter situation in any community I join.
 
All I'm saying is that there are sticky notes to get newcomers pointed in the right direction. When I was new here, I didn't expect the "Welcome wagon", and wasn't offended that someone didn't take me by the hand and give me a guided tour. There were far fewer resources compiled by other members, and I still managed to find things on my own. Yet, I do participate in adding information to sticky threads and suggesting links. It just seems like sometimes people want others to be interested in their situation but do not want to put forth the effort to reciprocate.

Like I said, I overestimate people.
 
Perhaps people consider reciprocation in other ways. Just because it happens in different languages than yours doesn't mean that it doesn't happen.

And nobody needs to expect a welcome wagon. It just so happens that one as a more welcoming effect than the other. For some people that's important. For other people, reading the stickies are important. No need for one to chastise the other. Just sayin.
 
Meanwhile, back at the ranch . . .

Playfulgirl, a couple of things:

You will never fix a troubled relationship by adding complications to it, and polyamory is complex.

If you want to find a path to healing in your relationship(s), you and your partner need to discover and address the issues that lead up to the cheating, deal with and heal the wounds, and find solid ground for the both of you before introducing additional lovers into the situation. If one or both of you are not ready or willing to do the work needed to set things back on a healthy path, then, sadly, it's time to cut your losses and move on.

Also: I get the impression, you think polyamory is a form of swinging; it is radically different. Poly is WAY more than sex, and swinging is basically JUST sex. Polyamory involves loving, involved romantic relationships between multiple adults. Poly is based in honesty, love, and respect for all parties concerned. Swinging is just fucking around, IMO.
 
playfulgirl,

it sounds like your relationship barely has a footing at this point. Swinging degrades connection in relationships as giving away our bodies to strangers for them to masturbate into and others to watch while someone does that, does nothing for self esteem and a feeling of togetherness with ones partner. I say this as I have been there. I didn't realize it at first, but swinging damaged me in ways I didn't realize until much later. If you are a person who can somehow waltz through having meaningless sex with others just to get off then all the power to you. I personally think no one really can. But that is just my opinion. I see it as our cultures way of continuing the cycle of using and abusing women and objectifying them. We seem to be more and more self indulgent in the sexual realm and swinging just personifies that. It's all about "me" rather than "us" or "others."

Poly is about love and respecting others, bringing people into the folds of a similar way of being, values and core beliefs. It has little to do with sex and everything to do with daily life, community, chosen family, integrity, honesty and complete openness and really having ones shit together.

It sounds like you and your partner have a lot to learn and I would suggest that both of you not see anyone until you have your relationship back on course. If a primary relationship is not strong, and I mean ROCK SOLID! then the whole structure will collapse and people will get hurt.

Your man seeing several women right away sends of huge red flags for me that he has lost connection with you and is actually just trying to find someone else. I would ask him to spend his time giving you attention and reconnecting rather than dating anyone right now. I would also spend some time healing from all your swinging and really checking in with yourself to make sure there has been no adverse affect on your sense of self worth. You need to really love yourself before going into poly. You need to love yourself in order to love others to your full potential.

I agree with the idea that you will need to do a whack load of research on this before even considering trying out poly. You've got a lot of work to do. Go do it.
 
Time

Hi Playful,

Yea - all change takes time and it seems to happen gradually.
The honesty you spoke of is the critical component. The more you experience this and find (hopefully) positive side effects for you both, the more it will feel natural and a time may come you can't remember any other way.
 
I completely agree with RedPepper. The primary relationship needs to be strong and solid before you add other relationships into it. Poly is difficult at best and altho very worth it, you need to go into it with your eyes open and be willing to work for it. Having a strong relationship to begin with is the only way to start. And it sounds to me like your guy isn't ready by any means, but I could be wrong. Its been known to happen. :p
 
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