Don't remember asking for affirmation. Just asked if I was a bad person or not. Not being a bad person doesn't necessarily make me a good person.
I think that, with lots of self-examination and a real willingness to feel vulnerable, you can do the inner work necessary to arrive at a place where you feel relief and being at peace with yourself, where you are no longer angry at her, and even a place where you can re-write your ideas of what marriage is "supposed to be" and be happy with that.
Already did that years ago. That's when I reached the "weary" stage. But I guess I could reopen the flood gates.
Oka-a-a-a-aaay.
Well, I must admit, I really don't know why you came here and started this thread. It doesn't seem like a very productive or satisfying thing to join an online community just to ask if "neglecting your wife" makes you a bad person. The only answers to a yes or no question are yes or no. Big deal, we're a bunch of strangers so why care if it's yes or no to us?
But when anyone here has suggested talking, looking inward, you say you've been there, done that. Ho hum. You say you're not angry, and the whole suspicion about whether your wife cheated is water under the bridge, although you keep mentioning it. People have said it sounds like you're being vengeful, passive-aggressive, and whatnot, and you say it's possible, but you don't seem like you're really getting anything out of this conversation.
If you want to see your gf as primary and your wife as secondary, what's stopping you? Other poly peeps have done that, and I don't really think it matters much what other people do or approve of anyway, if something feels right for your situation. It seems you already feel that way about them, so what is the problem? If it is your wife's objections, what do you need from us? We've suggested talking to her and you say that it's all been talked out already. You might invite her here to join this discussion, but what are you looking for in doing that? Also, have you thought about not abiding by any hierarchy and just relating to each of them as individuals without needing a specific poly role/title?
I am wondering: what is it you really need or want from coming here and posting about this? Opinions, suggestions? What's the point? I feel like everyone has been told pretty much that they're a bit off the mark, so maybe what you really want is just to vent or blog about it and not ask for anything from us. Do you think that would be a better option here for you?