Want to be poly; husband not so keen

SheepMusketeer

New member
Hi everyone,

I'm at the point in my life where I feel I know what I want, but I am struggling to get it, and it is difficult to know where to go next. It is great to see some like-minded people on here who've been through similar issues.

Here's the short version: been with my partner for 3 years; we married in August. In June I brought up the idea of opening up our marriage, having thought for some time that this was the way of life I wanted to lead. We agreed to try it for a while (sort of) but last month I was told by my partner that he couldn't cope with it and wanted to go back to our old life. Now I am unsure whether we will ever go back (to openness), and whether I will be happy if we don't.

Of course there are many details and nuances that complicate things. Here are a few:
- We don't currently live together. It may be that openness will become easier when we do live in the same house.
- I am relatively sexually (and emotionally) experienced while he has had few partners. I think this is one of the reasons he feels so jealous of me being with other guys, while I have no problem thinking of him with other women. In our 'open' experiment phase, he was allowed to sleep around while I could only meet guys for friendship.
- Although my initial vision of 'open relationship' was mainly focused around giving each other the freedom to have sex with other people, I have since fallen in love with someone else and realised that I do want emotional closeness with others too. (This was not unexpected. I fall in love with someone about once a year, it seems!)

I have felt a profound sense for some time that monogamy doesn't suit me and I don't understand why it is the default option for relationships in our society. I wish I had considered polyamory as a way of life much longer ago and hadn't waited until so soon before the wedding to bring it up with my partner. We have had some good conversations about it all (and also some frustrating ones!), but it's an idea that will take him a long time to come around to.

Anyway, happy to hear comments from others about my situation, or stories of others' attempts to reconcile their wishes with those of a monogamous partner.

-- Jane
 
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Your partner has tried this and doesn't like it. You're right, it might be because he didn't date as successfully as you do, but it is also possible that he repelled people because they picked up on his discomfort.

Instead of trying to pressure him to change to this relationship style you seem to hold in such high esteem, consider what you accepting his feelings and wishes will look like. As much as he needs to acceot who you are, you need to accept him for him. If he is monogamous and requires you to be monogamous, can you sacrifice polyamory for your marriage? Could you consent to sticking to NSA/casual sexual relationships to prohibit emotional intimacy with others if he could deal with that? Would that be enough if it meant you could also maintain your marriage?
 
Welcome to the board.
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London, thanks for your quick reply.

Your partner has tried this and doesn't like it. You're right, it might be because he didn't date as successfully as you do, but it is also possible that he repelled people because they picked up on his discomfort.

Yes, I wouldn't be at all surprised by that. It is already difficult as a man to meet up with women, and I think he found it awkward telling new partners that he was engaged/married. Conversely, I found the whole process of actively seeking people in open relationships (via OkCupid) exhilirating and met some wonderful people during that time.

If he is monogamous and requires you to be monogamous, can you sacrifice polyamory for your marriage?

This is a question I've been asking myself in the past few weeks, and I'm really not sure that I could make this sacrifice. I feel like I'd be denying a part of who I am. And I don't want to become someone who cheats on my partner, but I think that might happen.

Could you consent to sticking to NSA/casual sexual relationships to prohibit emotional intimacy with others if he could deal with that? Would that be enough if it meant you could also maintain your marriage?

I would like to say yes; this would certainly be a big step forward. I have had NSA relationships, and Friends with Benefits, in the past and think they are wonderful things. I also think that removing sexual tension with people does a lot to prevent the 'falling in love' 'having a crush on someone' feelings. However, I will also be emotionally intimate with people, because that's how I am. I can restrain myself from having sex with those people who I feel would be emotionally problematic, but I would still want the freedom to have those close friendships.
 
Husband Not So Keen

It appears to me that you have gone ahead and established an emotional relationship with another man BEFORE you have given your husband any real opportunity to digest, discuss, and agree. You are also basically saying that you will probably not be able to resist cheating if you do not get what you want on your terms. To me, this does not seem like a recipe for success.

I suggest you put your NRE on hold or end it for now. Your husband may grudgingly accept having it shoved down his throat because he loves you for now, but eventually he will resent you.

The fact is , despite what some on this board say, that men will always have a much harder time meeting poly partners on websites because any woman who posts will be bombarded with guys who want to bang her without a care about her marital status. There are only a small percentage if women who will accept this.

You would be better off trying to convince him to swing with you so that he has some input and sense of control of his relationship and is not being given ultimatums. You would be able to fulfill your need for multiple sex partners and not be as threatening to him.

Hope it all works out
 
The board is an open forum, where anyone can (and will) share their opinions. So keep this in mind if you post questions or seek advice. Any given opinion may not fit for your situation and that's totally ok. You can ignore any posts that don't interest you. You can also block any posters you feel a need not to continue reading.

If you encounter any spam or offensive posts, please report them. The mods will continue to do our best to address all reported posts in a timely manner.

Is this something we're saying to everyone now or was it because I posted first?
 
Heh, I think we're saying it to everyone now.

---

Hi Jane,
Welcome to our forum.

I see that you have some difficult choices to make on the road ahead, and alas I'd be hesitant to state that I know the right answer. You'll have to decide whether you can abide by your husband's wishes in such a way as to please both him and you. A gift not freely given isn't much of a gift, to the giver or to the receiver.

It's possible that some of the answers you seek might be found in the Life stories and blogs board. You'll have to have a look and see what you can find.

I'll try to post more on this thread in response to various posts. Hope you can find some tidbits of wisdom that will help you in your decision.

Alas that polyamory isn't for everyone! This is far from the first time that I've heard of someone agreeing to a polyamorous situation at first, but then changing their mind later. Obviously, our emotional responses aren't very predictable, even to ourselves.

Good luck and hope you'll be able to get things sorted out.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
It appears to me that you have gone ahead and established an emotional relationship with another man BEFORE you have given your husband any real opportunity to digest, discuss, and agree.

That is true. It came somewhat out of the blue; when I first brought up the idea of open relationships to my partner (I'll call him M) I felt like I was in a very good emotional place - not wanting to be with anyone in particular and without strong feelings for anyone outside our marriage. It has been unfortunate that I've fallen for this other guy while I'm still trying to sort things out with M, but it's hard to apologise for it because it wasn't something I could help. D (the other guy) started working with me in September so we saw each other frequently and formed an instant close connection. (NB I have never dated anyone I've worked with before!)

You are also basically saying that you will probably not be able to resist cheating if you do not get what you want on your terms. To me, this does not seem like a recipe for success.

It does not, and I need to find a way that it wouldn't come to that. I want the opposite of cheating: I want to be able to be completely honest with my husband about everything and feel that he accepts me for who I am and not for some angelic image of me that he might have had. One of things that attracts me about open relationships is the emotional honesty that accompanies it, and I would love to have this more than anything else. During our relationship I have already fallen in love with someone else (not acted on) and had crushes on people, and all of this I felt I had to keep secret because I thought that he would feel threatened by it. We had some very wonderful open conversations over the summer which I felt were making our relationship stronger. Now that M has closed our relationship again, I feel he's closed the emotional openness door along with it and I feel once again that I can't talk to him about how I feel for fear of hurting him.

I suggest you put your NRE on hold or end it for now. Your husband may grudgingly accept having it shoved down his throat because he loves you for now, but eventually he will resent you.

It is at least on hold over Christmas because D is back in the States for a month. D and I have also talked about keeping our distance when he returns, though as we have to work together it won't be easy.

You would be better off trying to convince him to swing with you so that he has some input and sense of control of his relationship and is not being given ultimatums. You would be able to fulfill your need for multiple sex partners and not be as threatening to him.

We had conversations about swinging at the beginning of all this. But it's really not the form of open relationships that I want. It's not that I have a desire to go out and meet new people for sex (although that can be fun); I want the freedom to be able to follow my relationships with others wherever they may lead. If I have sex, I want it to be with people to whom I have formed some kind of attachment and have a personal connection with, and that seems much more unlikely in a swinging sort of scenario.

It is difficult at the moment to think of a compromise which would satisfy both of us - perhaps there isn't one until he gains the security of living together with me.

Hope it all works out

Thanks!
 
Hi Kevin,

Thanks for your reply too. And please let me know if this thread is better moved to a different section of the website.

You're very right to say that the gift of an open relationship has to be freely given in order for it to work. After many months of using all the best arguments known to man in favour of a non-monogamous relationship, I have realised that logic will never work and that he has to come to these conclusions independently in order for them to mean anything.

There is some hope - he is certainly excited by the thought of being able to follow his sexual desires with others in a way that he wouldn't be able to with me. But he is struggling to reconcile this with his desire that I remain his alone. At heart I believe it is his insecurities which are the cause of the problems, but I don't know how to convince him that me seeing other people will not result in me loving him any less. I know there are no quick-fix solutions to this but I also feel a need to know that one day they will be fixed and I can have the life I want.
 
I am sorry you struggle. :( You seem to have a lot going on. You could take it in smaller steps.

Let me take the liberty of lifting a few sentences up:

Desired Outcome:

"I want to be able to be completely honest with my husband about everything."
emotional honesty -- "I would love to have this more than anything else."​

Your behavior:
  • "I had to keep secret because I thought that he would feel threatened by it."
  • "I feel once again that I can't talk to him about how I feel for fear of hurting him."

How does your behavior support what you want? How are you being emotionally honest when you keep things hidden or held back? How is this you doing your side of the job? So you both can share "completely honest abour everything?"

It is possible to be honest. Any time. You don't have to be in a polyship to do it. You also do not have to be participating in a polyship to BE polyamorous.

If what you mainly want is closeness, connection, openness, honesty with your spouse? Could go for it.

It seems you do not want to deal with his reaction. His emotional response is up to him. What do you fear? :(
We had some very wonderful open conversations over the summer which I felt were making our relationship stronger. Now that M has closed our relationship again, I feel he's closed the emotional openness door along with it.

Have you ASKED if he's willing to keep open the "emotional openness" from summer, even if the relationship configuration goes back to closed at this time?

Galagirl
 
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Hi GalaGirl -- thank you for your supportive words and helpful questions.

I know that I am protecting myself as much as I feel I'm protecting my husband when I keep my feelings from him. I don't like feeling that I have hurt him or feeling that I have contributed to his feelings of insecurity. At the same time I do, deep down, understand that I'm going to have to be more open if I am to fully gain his trust.

Our conversations over the summer felt very up and down and emotional, and it drained us both. There'd be times when we'd talk for hours, cry our hearts out and both feel like we'd made progress in understanding each other. Then we'd be apart for a couple of weeks and he'd start bringing up the same old questions once again and I would feel frustrated at having to give the same answers.

I told him of how I had fallen for someone about a year ago. To me it was a positive story, of how I could love someone else and yet not lose the love I had for M. But to M it seemed to fuel his insecurity that he was not enough for me. And then recently (in October) I told M I had fallen for D, who I now work with. I was up-front with this from the beginning, but M told me that it hurt him very deeply and he was struggling to cope with his feelings. So now, I try not to talk about the time I spend with D because I don't want M to feel upset about it and work himself up over it. At the same time, it's making me more and more miserable that I can't express my emotions to the person who is supposed to be closest to me.

Is it not being cruel, to speak openly about someone I love, who I see almost every day at work and can share little moments with, to a long-distance partner who would love to have those moments with me but cannot? Holding things back is my way of protecting M from feeling pain.

Last week I was in Copenhagen and shared a taxi from the airport with another stranded passenger. We got along well and he ended up inviting me to his hotel room. I declined, but enjoyed the attention and found the situation amusing. When I told M about it, the conversation turned very awkward in a way I hadn't expected - he felt threatened by this man even though I had turned down the offer. How could I possibly admit that, in an ideal world, I would have quite liked to accept the offer? Wouldn't being honest like this make M feel even more insecure?

I would love to hear any thoughts you have about whether I should be trying to be honest more often, even when I feel it would be hurtful. It is hard to know whether it might make things work out better for the long term or not.
 
I suppose you'll have to open up to M a little at a time, checking his temperature to be sure he's not "too overwhelmed" (open to interpretation).

Any idea if/how long before the long-distance factor will be removed? Doesn't sound very fun.

Re (from SheepMusketeer):
"Thanks for your reply too. And please let me know if this thread is better moved to a different section of the website."

As far as I know this section is fine. Worst case scenario, the mods could probably move it (which wouldn't affect anyone's access to it).
 
My experience with my ex of 11 years is that 2 years into our relationship he wanted to have sex with another woman he had met. I agrees and this started our poly life. BUT I wasn't allowed to date men. I also was not allowed to have a girlfriend on my own. So he could date, I couldnt unless I could find someone for a triad (not something I wanted) years of begging for a girlfriendand some.affairs on the aide I.finally had enough sneaking to get what I wanted or having constant fights about it.

For me the desire to be free was more important
Than my marriage with him.
 
I would love to hear any thoughts you have about whether I should be trying to be honest more often, even when I feel it would be hurtful. ]It is hard to know whether it might make things work out better for the long term or not.

Yes. If you want to be open and honest you, play ball. BE (open and honest you.)

I do not see how you being LESS than honest helps things work out better in the long term in your shared relationship.
I do not see how you being LESS than honest helps you achieve your desired outcome of "Emotional honesty -- that is what I want most" either.

What are you afraid of if you are open, honest you? :confused: Can you fill in the blanks?

"I am not able to express myself honestly because then I would have to do __(what?)______?"​

  • Take a risk?
  • BE honest?
  • Feel vulnerable?
  • Something else?

Or is it response from him that you fear?

"I am not able to express myself honestly because then I would have to deal with him doing ___(what?)_____? "​
  • he will say he no longer wants to participate in relationship with you?
  • Him ask you to do ____ or not do ____?
  • Crying?
  • Something else? :confused:

You guys are either open and honest or not.

The relationship is long haul or not.

Putting off being honest for fear of finding out you are not actually compatible in what relationship model you want to practice together serves you HOW? :confused:

I do not see how sticking around for a less than honest relationship is great for EITHER of you. :(

  • To me it sounds like you ultimately want to participate in an (open relationship model where you are both polysexual and polyamorous.)
  • To me it sounds like he wants to be (participate in a monoship with just you) or maybe an (open relationship where you are monoamorous to each other but polysexual.)

You guys could clear that up rather than put it off.

You mentioned jealousy... I do not know if reading any of these together help get an honest convo going between you so you can sort yourselves out. If you both have a hard time articulating, maybe having something to look at and go "Yes, I feel that... no I don't feel that" helps?

http://www.cat-and-dragon.com/stef/poly/Labriola/jealousy.html
http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/images/Jealousy_Updated_10-6-10.pdf

GL!
Galagirl
 
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If I have sex, I want it to be with people to whom I have formed some kind of attachment and have a personal connection with, and that seems much more unlikely in a swinging sort of scenario.

In my experience, there are many couples and singles in the swinger community that are looking for personal connections. There is an assumption that is made about swingers which is simply not true in reality.

I actually think getting into the swinger community could be advantageous to you as a couple and help him begin to open up to the entire idea of poly.

I have introduced at least a dozen people (men and women) to the idea of a non-monogamous lifestyle. Some people take to it very naturally....others have more difficulty.

The one thing that I have seen turn people around (it works well with guys) is giving them the opportunity to have some spontaneous multi partner sexual experiences. (safe sex of course). You can talk about things for years, but there is nothing like an actual stimulating sexual experience to turn a person around!

In order to help my primary partner move past the initial doubt (which may have never dissipated since he is so emotional), I organized a string of dates with other couples and private house parties with up to 5 couples in attendance.

It is relatively easy for a female to organize these events. It is, however not as easy for a male to do so. I realized that if I was going to wait for him to find his way into the lifestyle- it was never going to happen because he is a shy guy and wouldn't have made anything happen.

We got right through any doubts he might have had and we are now fully committed to a non-monogamous lifestyle!!

In the process, we have met some people that are interested in developing meaningful emotional connections!!
 
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Kevin: I'm not sure when we'll be living together again - maybe February. He's looking for a job in academia and they are hard to come by, but even if he doesn't find one he may move in with me to save money etc. This will come with its own issues - it's no fun sitting around at home looking for jobs and having your wife be the sole provider of a social life...

Most of our relationship has been long distance, so the dynamic of living together will be quite a change in itself.

Galagirl: thank you for making me think about those difficult questions. Here are some thoughts:
I am not able to express myself honestly because...
  • I will feel guilty for making him upset
  • I don't want to start an argument which may ruin the short time we have together in a weekend
  • I am scared that he will ask me not to see D any more if he knew how deeply I felt about him

The second point will be fixed by us spending time together over Christmas. Although it's not ideal to have difficult conversations in the midst of family, I intend to have some anyway.

As I said, we had lots of conversations over the summer about open relationships, how we might make it work, what boundaries we might need to have, what his insecurities were, our fantasies of being with others, what I saw an ideal relationship as being like,... So I do feel that most of the difficult stuff is already out there. But, as you say, my own desires have changed from wanting to be polysexual to wanting to be polyamorous, which is quite a different ball game. We're going to have to talk about that again and see where we stand on it. (I think he will struggle very much with this.)

Thanks very much for those articles on jealousy. They are incredibly helpful and I hope I can get M to read them. (I previously showed him a copy of The Ethical Slut that a friend had lent me, and he was reluctant to read it. Said that the title put him off!)

Idealist: Thanks for your perspective on swinging. At the moment I think that I'd be more reluctant to try this than M! When people talk about swinging, do they generally mean:
  • Having sex as a foursome
  • Having sex individually with other people, but in the same room
  • Having sex individually with other people, but maybe in different rooms in the same house?
I think the third option I could do, but I'd feel really awkward doing things together...

I have already pushed M to find other sexual partners, with the hope that he would realise sex with others could be fun and non-threatening to our relationship. He did meet with a few people and had sex with one, and though he told me about it I think he still felt uncomfortable. Hopefully once we live together, I can encourage him again, and being able to come home and talk to me about it afterwards will help him get over the mental hurdles.

Inyourendo: Thanks for telling your story. I hope you've found the life you've wanted since leaving your marriage.
 
"When people talk about swinging, do they generally mean:

  • having sex as a foursome,
  • having sex individually with other people, but in the same room,
  • having sex individually with other people, but maybe in different rooms in the same house?"

From what I've heard, it's any or all of the above. The main thing about swing being the sharing of sex (as a single or with persons outside the couple) without the danger of falling in love (with said persons). There are also swing clubs but I hesitate to describe them in detail as I've no experience there.

Sounds like the thing to do for now is to cool it on poly until February or so. Of course you can still learn more about poly (and swing) in the meantime.
 
Idealist: Thanks for your perspective on swinging. At the moment I think that I'd be more reluctant to try this than M! When people talk about swinging, do they generally mean:
  • Having sex as a foursome
  • Having sex individually with other people, but in the same room
  • Having sex individually with other people, but maybe in different rooms in the same house?
I think the third option I could do, but I'd feel really awkward doing things together...

There are so many more scenarios than those three things that you listed. And couples generally make it up as they go along so whether you want to do things together or seperately is completely up to you! That is the great thing about the lifestyle!!
 
Ugh, the idea of going swinging with my male partner to show him sex outside the mono couple is fun, just grosses me out. To each their own. I just don't care much for group sex, or sex with strangers, or sex without some kind of conversation/affection/non-sexual interaction first.

That said, welcome to the board, SheepMusketeer.

I feel for you. I was with a very jealous man for over 30 years (married for most of it). I knew deep down I wasn't cut out for monogamy when I married him, but it was 1978, the only non mono model I had was swinging, so I committed to monogamy.

However, we didn't have productive talks about my non mono proclitivities until about 1996. !!! I just always felt evil and sluttish when I got crushes on people, or more than crushes. (I never out and out cheated, but man, did I want to...)

And like your h and the taxi story, my ex would also get jealous over little incidents like that. Once I told him a story about a man going to China to pick up his newly adopted daughter, who was next to me on a plane. A human interest story, I thought. My (now ex) husband got all jealous just that I talked to him and that his story of the adoption touched my heart! Ridiculous things like that would happen regularly.

So, like you, I tried to hide my crushes to protect his feelings. But it didn't work. He was always looking for ways to be jealous, because of his low self esteem. He'd even deny ever being interested in another woman, just to "set a good example," even though it was a lie. This all came out in therapy eventually, but it did no good. We broke up in 2008. We tried polyamory before breaking up, and he found a woman (in 1999), and transferred most of his loving feelings to her. Mono to the core, I guess. She moved to be near him once he moved out of our marital home, and they are still together.

Bless your hearts, getting married with these obstacles to a happy union! Not even living together! You realizing you're not just polysexual, but polyamorous! You finding this man at work, and being with him every day while your new husband is so far away!

Best of luck with the difficult conversations over the holidays. I hope my experience can be a cautionary tale.
 
Sounds tough for the husband. I'm hoping you are being compassionate here?

He's facing three really big life changes and probably needs a lot of emotional compassion:
1) Finding a job; then keeping it
2) Moving in with you and renegotiating your living standards
3) Renegotiating your marriage agreement

On too of that he's trying to date again.

You have to struggle with your own sense of self and worth when finding a job; and again when you're dating, and again when you're trying to open up the marriage.

Have you considered slowing down? It seems fair to ask.
 
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