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Old 05-26-2012, 12:35 AM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Northern Cali
Posts: 552

Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Yeah, why are people getting bent out of shape when someone suggests searching the tags?
Because when a recommendation for a tag search is pretty much the entirety of the response (imo) it comes off as dismissive or at the very least rushed. Kind of like saying, "Do your own research and don't bother me." Like if you asked a librarian for help locating an item and all he/she did was point you towards the catalog computer. Not going to make you feel like asking for help again, is it?
I find it more annoying when a poster has obviously NOT searched before posting.
I can agree with you here, but I still maintain recommending a tag search can be part of a more thoughtful, complete response.
But everyone wants to think they are unique and their problems are special.
THIS. This is absolutely true, and when someone posts in the midst of a crisis or otherwise emotional time, is that really the time to point out that they maybe are not unique and special? Hardly helpful, to my mind, unless you're doing it in an, "It's okay, you're not alone. Others have made it through this and you will too!" kind of way.

So... just because a message seems harsh to someone doesn't mean they've been attacked or shamed or spoken down to. If they feel attacked when people are simply offering an opinion, I feel that perhaps they are being too sensitive. It is also very different when one reads something that, if it had been verbalized and heard in person, wouldn't have the same impact.
If it's only one or two people who have a problem with what someone wrote, then you have a point. A thicker skin might be necessary, or it could be a misunderstanding about tone or intent. But when it's more than a few people, I think the responsibility falls to the writer to really look at what they wrote and what others might be taking issue with.

I don't think this thread was created about me and my posts, but I know some responders had me in mind when talking about posts they find problematic. I'm not interested in attacking, shaming, nor bullying (as if that were even possible) anyone, so I think it is ridiculous that my opinions are misunderstood to be any of those.
You can think it's ridiculous all you want, but if it keeps happening over and over then you're like the person in a relationship who won't try to work on a problem because they don't see a problem. Your point of view regarding your posts is not the only one that matters. If you really think it is, then you're not writing to help people at all, you're only writing as a form of intellectual masturbation. (Also, you don't think cyber-bullying is possible? Are you freaking kidding me??)
As I have said a million times before, people should imagine what I write in my posts being said in a soft soothing voice, with a hand on your arm and said in the spirit of tough love, because the whole reason I'm here is to be part of this community and participate with concern and caring.
I don't remember seeing in the last 4+ months, so I guess I missed some of those million times. Perhaps you should put it or something similar at the start of those "tough love" posts, because newbies especially are mostly likely not going to automatically read your responses that way.
The amount of people who PM me privately to thank me for my input, bluntness, and for asking them "tough" questions far outnumber those who get upset with my posts.
Good, I'm glad for them. Why not try to make that number even higher?
And it's funny that the ones who are talking about "shaming" are the ones who wag their fingers and say "shame on you."
Since that's to me, I'll tell you why it's not funny: I didn't say it to an emotionally distraught person over a situation I'm hearing about second- or third-hand. I said it to someone who has shown plenty of times that she can post without that harshness and with compassion even as she asks the tough questions, about a situation I witnessed first-hand. You weren't posting asking for help, which makes a huge difference in the type of response.

If you don't like my posts, do us both a favor and put me on your Ignore list. Please. Chances are you're already on mine.
Nope. You can put me on yours, but I'm not going to ignore you, if only so when you are overly harsh or one-sided in a thread I read, I can make the choice to be a dissenting voice giving another perspective if I want to.
Pan Female, Hinge in a V between my mono (straight) husband, Monochrome and my poly (pan) partner, ThatGuyInBlack
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