UnwittinglyPoly
New member
Hello everyone, I'm new to the forum and new to poly. I'm not sure anyone can give me much advice, I'm just trying to get my thoughts down so I can work through things.
Long background story short: My wife and I met at 16, married at 20, have been married for 21 years. Grew up fundamentalist Christians and continued full-on with that until about 6 years ago, now non-religious. Started swinging off and on about 4 years ago, always ensuring we had no emotional attachment.
So, seven months ago, we met a couple (married over 15 years) who were fairly new to swinging. Immediately, the chemistry between everyone was explosive. After a couple of months of seeing them very regularly, both sexually and in vanilla settings, we all realized and admitted it was more than just sexual--the connections were also intellectual and emotional. The other wife and I, and the other husband and my wife fell in love with each other, and everyone knew it and embraced it. Recently, my girlfriend decided she didn't like where things were going--namely, the other three of us were moving toward wanting less of a distinction between primary/secondary and more of treating each relationship on a more equal basis. She admittedly has jealousy and insecurity issues, which I tried working through with her, but she was never interested in actually doing so. She just couldn't handle the thought that her husband wanted to go there, and she felt like she was losing him.
Here is my problem, other than the fact that I am dealing with a broken heart of my own as well as my wife's. What we found in the other person was something we didn't get from each other--that's kind of the way it works, and what poly is about, right? The main problem is that through this process, my wife and I have come to realize that we never really have been very compatible. When we met, we were young, and our relationship was born out of a place where we were both unhealthy. Growing up with a religious background, once you're married, you're married, period. So we've spent virtually our entire lives shoring up something that really has been forced for the sake of marriage being "until death do us part". We do love each other, and in some ways, we are really good partners. We would both say that we love each other, but we are not IN love with each other, if that makes sense. The connections we had with our secondaries was so different than what we've experienced with each other, even way back in the beginning. We know that part of it is that the experience was new, fresh and exciting. But a huge part of it is that our secondaries truly just "got" us. A glance or a word could say what it takes sentences or paragraphs to say between the primary relationships. And they saw deep into our souls and could feel who we fundamentally are as people, and vice versa.
Our eyes have been opened to something we've not thought possible. We both know that we can never be to each other what the secondaries were, no matter how hard we try. Even if we did try, we would have to lose some of ourselves in order to be something we aren't. So we're not sure where we are headed. We're trying to figure out if what we have is enough to keep us going. If not, we are both of the opinion that life is too short to be with someone who doesn't fill a certain amount of fundamental desires. And our desires have changed based on what our eyes have been opened to. Regardless of what happens, we know we will always be connected, be friends and love each other. We're just kind of lost right now as to where to go. Again, I don't know if anyone can provide much help, as it's really something we have to work out, something we're both comfortable with. It helps to get it down into semi-cogent thoughts. Any input or perspective is very much appreciate.
Long background story short: My wife and I met at 16, married at 20, have been married for 21 years. Grew up fundamentalist Christians and continued full-on with that until about 6 years ago, now non-religious. Started swinging off and on about 4 years ago, always ensuring we had no emotional attachment.
So, seven months ago, we met a couple (married over 15 years) who were fairly new to swinging. Immediately, the chemistry between everyone was explosive. After a couple of months of seeing them very regularly, both sexually and in vanilla settings, we all realized and admitted it was more than just sexual--the connections were also intellectual and emotional. The other wife and I, and the other husband and my wife fell in love with each other, and everyone knew it and embraced it. Recently, my girlfriend decided she didn't like where things were going--namely, the other three of us were moving toward wanting less of a distinction between primary/secondary and more of treating each relationship on a more equal basis. She admittedly has jealousy and insecurity issues, which I tried working through with her, but she was never interested in actually doing so. She just couldn't handle the thought that her husband wanted to go there, and she felt like she was losing him.
Here is my problem, other than the fact that I am dealing with a broken heart of my own as well as my wife's. What we found in the other person was something we didn't get from each other--that's kind of the way it works, and what poly is about, right? The main problem is that through this process, my wife and I have come to realize that we never really have been very compatible. When we met, we were young, and our relationship was born out of a place where we were both unhealthy. Growing up with a religious background, once you're married, you're married, period. So we've spent virtually our entire lives shoring up something that really has been forced for the sake of marriage being "until death do us part". We do love each other, and in some ways, we are really good partners. We would both say that we love each other, but we are not IN love with each other, if that makes sense. The connections we had with our secondaries was so different than what we've experienced with each other, even way back in the beginning. We know that part of it is that the experience was new, fresh and exciting. But a huge part of it is that our secondaries truly just "got" us. A glance or a word could say what it takes sentences or paragraphs to say between the primary relationships. And they saw deep into our souls and could feel who we fundamentally are as people, and vice versa.
Our eyes have been opened to something we've not thought possible. We both know that we can never be to each other what the secondaries were, no matter how hard we try. Even if we did try, we would have to lose some of ourselves in order to be something we aren't. So we're not sure where we are headed. We're trying to figure out if what we have is enough to keep us going. If not, we are both of the opinion that life is too short to be with someone who doesn't fill a certain amount of fundamental desires. And our desires have changed based on what our eyes have been opened to. Regardless of what happens, we know we will always be connected, be friends and love each other. We're just kind of lost right now as to where to go. Again, I don't know if anyone can provide much help, as it's really something we have to work out, something we're both comfortable with. It helps to get it down into semi-cogent thoughts. Any input or perspective is very much appreciate.