How has this worked for you? Was it difficult in the beginning? I feel like no rules=chaos=something unknown=new--> and the fear of new and unexplained alreade crept up on me from just the thought. I don't like to make (too many) rules. But how can we turn this unfamiliar situation into a familiar one without them? This morning I tried to imagine new situations and be ok with them, but I felt the white noise fill my head after a short while and had to stop for now.
I've had my limits overstepped too many times in past. I'm not afraid that Salamander would knowingly do anything like that, but I have to respect my limits too. I also need to protect my kids, and that means I can't push myself too hard.
"I feel it is unfair to ask Salamander and Sunflower to take things slowly, but I really don't enjoy these meltdowns. Has enyone experienced anything like this? How did you manage?"
"So will I have to go through this chaos every time either one of us meets someone new? or will the newness wear off eventually?"
"And how long would that take ..."
"I just wonder how much will I have to work to be able to actually live the life I want."
"I don't like to make (too many) rules. But how can we turn this unfamiliar situation into a familiar one without them?"
"How do I know that the fear of change and new things is gone and the rest of my anxiety is normal newbie issues?"
This sort of applies to me, except for the losing part. I entered this relationship thinkinh poly is what I want and what works for me. I was also aware that I need to take things slowly and tried to communicate this. It has just come as a surprise that I need things to happen this slowly. Twice I've had a chance to move forward with someone during my relationship with Salamander and twice I've hit the brakes, because I felt it was too much new at once. So it's not just taht I need him to take things slowly.He is the one who really wanted the poly relationship yet he was very scared by it and there have been times when he needed to go painfully slowly, partly because he is not good at change, but I think mostly because he was terrified of messing up and losing one or both of us.
How do you know one from the other? Has he explained the difference to you or did you pick it up from past experience? I'm trying to build a communication toolbox for us. Maybe you have some tips that could work for us.there are times when I feel able to push him a bit to deal with the emotional stuff and there are other times when I know that I have to let him work things out in his own way and his own time.
I really like that you said this. It somehow makes me feel better. It feels good to know someone is that lucky and has that kind of love Salamander is the first one that really make me feel like this, so the old fears creep up from time to time.We care about him, the Aspergers is part of who he is and why we love him. He puts up with our peculiarities and odd little ways so why on earth should we think less of him because he has Aspergers.
This sounds so familiar. I feel like every aggreement we make leads to a discussion of what does this actually mean now, what did we aggree on. And then we aggree on what we aggreed and then have to aggree on that one too… because there's always loopholes and things left out or misunderstandings or whatever. It seems like it never ends. And it is my fault. Because I need to have everything spelled out exactly. And in communication that is impossible.It has been hard at times. Even the simple rules that we have are hard for him to deal with. The total honesty thing is something that he finds difficult, partly I think because being honest involves having to talk about needs and feelings and partly because he has to make judgements about what total honesty actually means.
I think the hardest things for me and C are trying to cope with the unspoken things that are going on in his head. He can be quite 'fixed' about certain things which are completely irrational. If C doesn't answer the phone he convinces himself that she is seeing someone else, his rational mind knows that is ridiculous and insulting, but he can't quite let go of that thought. It sounds mad but I think he has his own unspoken set of rules in his head and occasionally he will get into a massive strop leaving us completely lost as to why he has reacted in that way.
Earlier in the relationship there were times that we tried things but after one trial we had to stop because he wasn't comfortable. In some cases it took a very long time for him to want to try again, but it was worth waiting because those things feel completely natural and normal now.
Could it be helpful to articulate your wants, needs, and limits? Focus more on behaviors you would like from your poly people rather than spend too much time on feelings?
Thank you for this description. I think I'll show it to Salamander. He said he needs to read more about these things. It's not exactly how I experience it, but close enough.A meltdown, in my private dictionary, is an event in which the entire world seems to be melting down around you…
Medication? I thought there isn't much medication can do to aspie problems. I've thought about something for anxiety, maybe it would help with this transition as well. Although I'd like to see what the doctors say about the diagnosis first. And I've also heard that the meds don't work that well on aspies.It took about 25 years to arrive at the regimen of meds I rely on today, and it took several years to arrive at the life and mindset that allow me to feel comfortable in my poly household.
I had to learn, a little at a time, that I could trust the people I trusted -- and that I could even trust myself.
I guess ultimately you just learn how to cope by using trial and error. If something triggers you, then you know you pushed yourself too hard that time and you need to ease off a little. If you feel pretty comfortable, then you might be ready to push yourself with a bit of newness. Don't try to make a math problem out of it, trust yourself enough to read and respect your own emotions. Enough to say, "I can tell I'm pushing myself too hard," or, "I can tell I could push myself a little harder."
How do you know one from the other? Has he explained the difference to you or did you pick it up from past experience? I'm trying to build a communication toolbox for us. Maybe you have some tips that could work for us.
I really like that you said this. It somehow makes me feel better. It feels good to know someone is that lucky and has that kind of love Salamander is the first one that really make me feel like this, so the old fears creep up from time to time.
This sounds so familiar. I feel like every aggreement we make leads to a discussion of what does this actually mean now, what did we aggree on. And then we aggree on what we aggreed and then have to aggree on that one too… because there's always loopholes and things left out or misunderstandings or whatever. It seems like it never ends. And it is my fault. Because I need to have everything spelled out exactly. And in communication that is impossible.
And this too sounds so familiar. I don't expect to make rules for us, but it's hard, because I have so many rules for everything in life. This is how I keep chaos at bay. And here's a situation that to me is chaotic and I can't use my rules to help me deal with it, because it involves other people.
I am trying. It's really hard to do so without starting to make rules. Today we talked over the internet about the prcticalities of Salamander and Sunflower sleeping in the same bed (no sex). How would I feel about it etc. I started to think about the practicalities, and it seems that there are so many things to think about (if your brain works like mine), so many details to think in advance so they wouldn't be new. I pushed myself pretty close to another meltdown all by myself by thinking about it all. He asked if I want them to give up, and I don't. It just seems unfair to them to have to wait untill I deal with things. I've said that it's up to them to decide if they can wait. I don't want to be responsible for that decision.
This is hard with so many bad experiences that I need to watch out even for myself to not cross my boundaries.
Edit. Oh! And the party went really well! I haven't had that much fun with people in ages. Didn't really feel like withdrawing to a dark and quiet place to be alone until the very end
Ok, what I feel is the central problem now is this: I have to somehow be able to analyze where one kind of reaction (norman newbie reaction) ends and where the other kind starts (aspergers). But it's hard, because they can look alike. They certainly do from the outside, but sometimes they also feel the same. And like I read, I can't trust my emotions, which kind of freaked me out, since it adds one more unclear element to the situation that already has too much change, new elements and unclear things in it.
This is my question now (and I don't really expect anyone else to have an answer to it, but feel free to say, if you do):
- How do I know that the fear of change and new things is gone and the rest of my anxiety is normal newbie issues?
I feel like it would be really easy to get stuck on this explanation and keep sayin it's all too new when actually I'd just be nervous or something. I don't want that to happen, but I also don't want to accidentally push myself too far too fast. I have two children I must be able to take care of even during this process and too many meltdowns would really make that difficult. I've had my limits overstepped too many times in past. I'm not afraid that Salamander would knowingly do anything like that, but I have to respect my limits too. I also need to protect my kids, and that means I can't push myself too hard. Which means… I'm scared of moving too fast and just might end up dragging the "new=scary" phase too long.
To me?How do I know that the fear of change and new things is gone and the rest of my anxiety is normal newbie issues?
My list of fears:
1. I'm scared of not being good at polyamory. That I'll be a failure.
2. I'm scared of being good at polyamory, because that will lead to endless changes I can't even imagine.
3. I'm scared of turning into a catatonic robot zombie that will just let everything and anything happen because all the emotions have disappeared.
4. I'm scared of not doing anything and being stuck here forever with the potential of everything turning out fine but too afraid to try.
You don't have to work out why you are reacting in certain ways otherwise you will drive yourself mad. You just have to own your feelings and reactions and put them into words as simply as you can, 'I am jealous' or 'I am afraid of losing you' or 'I feel rejected'. Some of those are not comfortable feelings to own or express, but unless you do that Salamander will not understand and will not be able to reassure you. Don't worry about what is normal, what you feel is normal for you so just deal with your reactions and don't compare yourself to anyone else.
Just try to find what works for you and be brave, you have done much more complicated things than this, you have children so you know that you can take risks and adapt to changing situations. If you get it wrong sometimes don't worry, it is normal to mess up sometimes, just pick yourself up, do what you can to put things right and try again.
It's like I need to know what is causing the anxiety to find the right way to deal with it. I feel like I could take a lot more of newbie anxiety than new thing anxiety, so if it's the first one, I could push myself further than with the second one. So to recognize the problem is a major part of solving it.
I feel like I could take a lot more of newbie anxiety than new thing anxiety, so if it's the first one, I could push myself further than with the second one
Well, actually, I have to. If I don't analyze my feelings I'm unable to talk about them. It can take days for me to actually feel anything. It only happens after i analyze the situation and put it in words. If I don't analyze, I will never reach a feeling. Luckily Salamander understands this. Also, I don't really react. I'm too slow at processing social situations. When I finally reach a reaction the situation is usually over. This is a good thing too, because I never explode at anyones face. I also have time to process the situation objectivly and to see what triggered my reaction (when it eventually comes and I recognize the feelings etc.) so I don't jump to conclusion or say things I'd regret later.
And I just learned that he had slept with her two weeks ago already. So I went through all this shit for him and it was just a lie.
"Medication? I thought there isn't much medication can do to aspie problems. I've thought about something for anxiety, maybe it would help with this transition as well. Although I'd like to see what the doctors say about the diagnosis first. And I've also heard that the meds don't work that well on aspies."