Giant step backward

Nyx

New member
Gosh, where do I start? First off, I haven't been on here in a while. Sorry about that! (I've just started my fall semester and I am having troubles with my eldest child.) I hope everyone has been doing well! I will try to read some recent posts and comment a bit.

The last time I was on, I talked about how I was embarking on allowing an open relationship with my bf. He has been poly for years. This is something that I am genuinely interested in (after fighting it at first). Given my tendency to feel strangled by overly-jealous lovers, I think it could very well work for me too, at some point. (With this new perspective, I've already felt the joyous freedom of feeling attracted to someone new and knowing it would be okay to pursue them!)

My bf has been interested in two other girls for a few months. He hasn't been dating them, just chatting and emailing and hanging out with them in a group of friends, because he's been waiting for me to feel okay with him going ahead with them. I thought long and deep, and searched my thoughts and feelings about him seeing other women, and I came to the conclusion that, even though it would be difficult, it was something I could do.

About two weeks ago, my poor bf (I will call him Nick) was was fighting wildland fires. While he was gone, I just suddenly fell back into my old pattern of thought. I felt jealous and angry. I felt like he just didn't want to spend any time with me and that he was constantly filling up his life with other things, such as theater, etc.

We were chatting online while he was gone. I ended up breaking it off with him, because he told me that he was planning on spending more time pursuing these two other women when he got back from the fire. It went amicably at the time. I just sort of bowed out, mainly because this seemed like another thing that was taking what fraction of time he had left for me away!

After that, I just got very angry. I don't know. For several days I just started fuming inside about how he didn't care about me, didn't want to be with me in first place, because if he did he wouldn't be doing this, blah blah... I really filled myself with negative, even malicious thoughts. All the ground I had covered in the preceding months just seemed to disappear, and the old emotional habits started up again.

I admit I was being horrid, I guess because I felt horrid. And Nick, unconditional lover that he is, still responded with nothing but love. On Sunday, I called him, and he said he was having one of his gfs over for dinner. I just felt heartbroken. But what the hell? I don't know why I broke up with him. He had already told me he was planning on spending more time with them, so why would I feel so hurt by this? I just started imagining that he would use all his smooth moves, and they would, well, you know... My mind went to all the places it's best not to go.

I was so angry and hurt, that when he came by yesterday to pick up some stuff, I was just cold to him. He started to say I love you and I slammed the door in his face. :( We talked later and he said he thought that slamming the door in his face was a fitting metaphor for all we've been through. He said that all he wants to do is love me and all I do is try to get away, or push him away... in effect, slam the door on his love.

Well, with that long story out of the way, I just wonder if any other successfully poly relationships have started out this way. I know I have it in me somewhere to embrace this. I don't understand why I totally lost it and why all I could do was to react to my pain and uncertainty with rage and coldness. I feel so terrible about the way I acted.

I seem to just sit and dwell and twist things around in my head. I was thinking things like, "He just wants to f*** around. He is so shallow and egotistical that he needs all this attention from women," etc. Just thinking all these poison thoughts that are so ingrained, I honestly don't know what reality is anymore! I talked to some friends about it (who are FIERCELY mono, so not the best choice of audience) and they were all about adding more poison.

I felt like I was almost there. What happened??

Nick and I talked last night and one question just rings in my head: What is it about romantic relationships that make one feel SO jealous? I mean, people don't generally feel jealous of friends when they go to the movies together or some other innocuous thing. It has to be focused on the sexual part, or the physical intimacy part, I should say, since even kissing and cuddling can make people rage with jealousy. What is SO threatening about that? If I could figure that out, maybe I could understand my Giant Step Backward.:confused:
 
And Nick, unconditional lover that he is, still responded with nothing but love. :

He's not unconditional at all. His condition is you have to share him. That's a big condition to ask for the majority of people. Never forget that.
 
What I mean by unconditional is that even though I screw up time and again, he doesn't hold it against me like every other boyfriend I've ever had. I am a very emotional person and I can't contain strong emotions very well. It's something I've been working on for a long time. Yes, the manner in which we have a relationship is conditional, but his love is not.
 
Yes, the manner in which we have a relationship is conditional, but his love is not.

That is a total contradiction. Don't beat up on yourself too much. Stay healthy and do what you heart needs to grow and be whole. Take care.
 
I don't see it as a contradiction. You can love someone and not be in an official relationship with them. What is contradictory, exactly?
 
What I was referring to is, if you want a romantic relationship with him, then it is conditional. I see where you are coming from now. Sorry for the confusion.
 
I think you are asking the right questions. The jealousy is telling you something about how you feel, deep down. Maybe you worry about losing him, and the pain that would cause, so you protect yourself by being cold to him.

You want more time with him, and you feel less important because he is donating more time to other things (and people). How would you have felt if he chose to have a new hobby instead of seeing another girl?

Do you feel, on some instinctual level, that if he sees these women he will like you less?

I think this has the potential to be a growth opportunity. :)
 
*hugs*

I think the ups and downs are normal whenever you are trying to make such a huge change in your life. Life is a highway. Look for a rest stop and take a moment. Ask the questions that fit that part of road you have chosen.

Good luck!
 
About two weeks ago, my poor bf Nick was on a fire (meaning he was fighting wildland fires) and while he was gone I just suddenly fell back into my old pattern of thought. I felt jealous and angry, I felt like he just didn't want to spend any time with me and that he was constantly filling up his life with other things.
We ended up chatting online while he was gone and I ended up breaking it off with him because he told me that he was planning on spending more time pursuing these two other women when he got back from fire. I just sort of bowed out, mainly because this seemed like another thing that was taking what fraction of time he had left for me away!

I think people who are opening up relationships spend a lot of time trying to quash down any negative feelings they may be having towards it for fear of not being open enough for their partner's sake. Also, many people tend to immediately read any negative feelings that come up as jealousy. For many poly people, that's a dirty word, so we spend a lot of time either just saying we shouldn't feel jealous or pushing it all down.

Listen to those feelings. While they may not be indicating the whole truth of the situation, they are giving you some piece of truth. What I just quoted from your OP seems to indicate to me that you're feeling that he hardly has enough time to spend with you as it is. So if you think that he doesn't have the time to even meet your needs in a relationship, it's understandable that you would be upset about him pursuing other relationships. That's a legitimate concern. It sounds like that negative feeling didn't have a voice, so it sort of blew up into an all-encompassing freakout.

Break it down. It's great that he loves you, but if all that love isn't meeting your needs in the relationship, it's completely ok to say that. I don't think it's about him seeing other people. It seems more to be about him having the time to care for you.

You have a right to voice your needs in the relationship. In this case, it might take some real examining of what your needs are here. Not the things you think you should be needing in order to be a great poly girlfriend, but your actual needs. Then it just takes understanding what needs are being met and what needs aren't. Once you've figured that out, communicate those needs. Show appreciation for the needs being met and bring up the concerns of the needs not being met. Then add love and see what happens.

Good luck.
 
Bring on jealousy! Geesh... I have a poly friend that spends so much time skirting around the whole jealousy thing that I fear she is missing the power to release it has. It is worth feeling every bit of it, because it's your gut telling you something. I don't know what that is for you, but if you allow yourself to feel it, and ask for whatever you say to be taken with a grain of salt because you are just trying to figure out the root, then you will reach a higher knowing of yourself and your situation... perhaps even others.' What better gift than jealousy? He is a lucky man to have a woman that can express her emotions at all! It seems he knows that and is patient about your ways of sorting things out for yourself.
 
I think the jealousy part is working itself out a little bit. He told me some of the more intimate details of his date the other day (which included oral sex) and I didn't really feel that gut-wrenching heartache I thought I would. I just sort of took it in stride. Meanwhile, we have come back together in our relationship and have started trying to resolve some issues. He has been spending a lot more time with me, as well, so I feel he has really heard me this time and is attempting to make things work better. Our love feels stronger than ever!

What remains to be worked out is this other woman with whom he had a date. Apparently her other bf is really jealous too, and reacted very strongly when he found out about the intimacy (sex). I think what is going to have to happen is a "double date" to get everyone introduced and see how things pan out. I am not sure if I feel strong enough to meet her face-to-face yet, but what helps is knowing I am not the only one dealing with jealousy and uncertainty, since the other bf is dealing with this stuff too.

The other issue is this second woman he is involved with. I really do not feel comfortable with her. She is very young and it just seems to me that she is really all about playing around and messing with a lot of guys. She doesn't seem serious at all. Nick even told me that she stood him up once and that he had some uncertainty about her degree of honesty. I don't like the idea of Nick getting physical with someone like that. I asked him to put that relationship on hold for now until we get this other stuff sorted out, but he pretty much refused. I don't know if it is reasonable for me to ask that of him or not.
 
I asked him to put that relationship on hold for now until we get this other stuff sorted out, but he pretty much refused. I don't know if it is reasonable for me to ask that of him or not.

Uh, yeah. It's reasonable, and a bit of a warning sign. In case you haven't already read my rule, I totally go by the idea that things should move as fast as the one that is having the issues. If it isn't, then it usually all blows up in everyone's face if someone feels pushed to accept and feel safe within the situation at hand before they are ready, putting the whole thing back a few steps or more.

Yup, I think he needs to slow down and remember that he is not in this alone and not a free agent that can do whatever he wants.
 
I totally go by the idea that things should move as fast as the one that is having the issues... if it isn't then it usually all blows up in everyone's face if someone feels pushed to accept and feel safe within the situation at hand before they are ready (putting the whole thing back a few steps or more) .

Yup, I think he needs to slow down and remember that he is not in this alone and not a free agent that can do whatever he wants.

See, that's what bothers me! His gf's #1 bf has asked him to NOT have sex with her for a while, and he told him (and in the same thread told ME) that he is "a grown man who can decide for himself when and if he has sex." To me, this is pure selfishness, when you are involved with more than one person, and sort of a childish reaction to someone requesting a little respect and elbow room. On the one hand, he has said he is waiting to have sex with gf #1 because of me and the other bf (even though his attitude clearly says it's begrudgingly), but he won't give me the same grant with gf #2, who has no other lovers. WTF, man? Is it because in the first situation it's two against one?

I really get frustrated when he is so stubborn. But at the same time, when I think about if someone was trying to tell me I couldn't have sex with someone, I would be a bit annoyed, maybe. I don't know. It depends on who it was. Like, for example, if Nick told me I couldn't have sex with someone I met because he wasn't ready for me to get into that sort of situation yet, I think I would respect his request (depending on the reason and ultimately depending on our conversations about it). But since he has always told me that he would not put constraints on my relationships (if I had any) I don't think he would ever ask that. It's hard for me to put myself in his shoes and see where he's coming from.

It doesn't seem like a very fair thing to do, poly or not, to have sex with someone, then tell your partner later on. Isn't that the same as cheating? But when I have asked him to keep me informed, he said sometimes the moment just comes up to have sex with someone, and he wants to be open to that moment happening sometime in the future, and did I want him to call me at that moment and say, "I'm about to have intercourse; just thought you should know"?

I guess his way of informing me of his sexual activities is by telling me he is "planning on having sex."

I am so confused about the logistics of all this. What do other people do when a new person enters the situation?
 
It doesn't seem like a very fair thing to do, poly or not, to have sex with someone, then tell your partner later on. Isn't that the same as cheating? But when I have asked him to keep me informed, he said sometimes the moment just comes up to have sex with someone, and he wants to be open to that moment happening sometime in the future, and did I want him to call me at that moment and say, "I'm about to have intercourse; just thought you should know"?

Poly is not an excuse to capitalize on every chance to fuck you can. Apparently that is how it works for him. Yes, that is cheating, unless otherwise worked out in your boundaries. Move on, is my advice. He's not polyamorous, he's polyfucking. You should find someone who fits you better.
 
Are you saying you want to know before he has sex with women he is already involved with, or new women coming into his life that you don't know about yet?
 
Okay, yes. Back up a second. No, he is not talking about acting in the moment to fuck any random person. He is talking about acting on the moment with the two women he is already involved with. He has told me that he intends to have sex with both of them "at some point." I have asked him to NOT have sex with girl #2 at this time, because I want to get a grip on girl #1 first, then go from there.

So, no, he is not out screwing everything that comes his way. He is talking about being in an intimate situation with the girls he is currently dating, that I already know about, having things go to that level of intimacy, and feeling free to have intercourse if it comes up.

What I am confused about is this: Since he has already told me that he plans to have sex with these girls, is that it? And then just one day he will say, Oh I had a date with girl#1 the other night and we had sex. I suppose I should be asking him this.

I guess what I am wanting to know is what your experiences are when it comes to:
A) meeting someone new and having an interest in pursuing them
B) letting your current partner(s) know you have met someone new
C) negotiating how, when, frequency, etc. of dating said new person
D) deciding you want to get physical with them and letting your current partner(s) know this
E) having sex with the new person

Obviously there is no set sequence of events, and everyone is different, and it requires talking talking talking with everyone involved.
 
Things are a bit clearer for me now! I think that by accepting his relationships from a poly-dating perspective, there has to come a time where you let go of the fact that they will have sex. These are intimate relationships that you are aware he will pursue.

He has been honest about his intentions and, as long as your health is not at risk, this is should be the expected next step. It would be hard for anyone to maintain a relationship with an indefinite celibacy requirement. That being said, if the other women's partners also have issues, it will also have to be negotiated on their end.

If you are not comfortable with the inevitable sexual aspects of his poly relationships with others, then, again, you might consider finding a more fitting partner for yourself.

It's okay to let go and keep his friendship. If your heart is not in this it will tear you apart.

Take care,
Mono
 
To answer your question, I really don't think there has a been a time where I have said, "Okay, this person is new." I have always kept everyone in the loop when I've met someone, or am interested in someone, regardless of where it is heading. That way, if the relationship heads down the path of intimacy, there are no surprises. The rest is really just up to the individuals involved and becomes evident with time.
 
I discovered that yesterday when talking with Nick. He said the same thing. I need to accept that fact that this is what poly relationships entail: sex and intimacy. So in a way, I think that is the thing that needs to click into place for me. We had a long talk yesterday and I was sort of upset because he wouldn't put the 2nd girl on hold. He said he is already basically IN a relationship with her, a fact that I was aware of, but in denial about. I realized how unfair my request was.

Apparently the bf of gf#1 is having some real issues and is very angry. Nick told me today that the bf has asked to talk to me. I'm not sure what he wants to talk about. Nick insinuated that we could have a bitch session. I am NOT about that, I told him. What issues I have I can talk about, and relay knowledge to him, but I am not going to bitch about stuff with this guy. All that does is create a cycle of negativity. I am hoping he just needs some support from someone in a similar situation, and is not wanting to conspire to break things up.
 
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