Sexual dysfunction in a new relationship (warning, sexual content here)

gwendolenthefair

New member
I have been in a long-distance relationship with an amazing man for about six months, plus knew him virtually for about four months before we actually met. He and I are in love and it's quite wonderful! I sometimes feel like my life would be just perfect if I could only see him more often. Right now we are averaging a weekend together about every three or four months.

My partner's wife is monogamous, although cautiously supportive of him and his poly nature. He has known he was poly for about six years now. I know she'd prefer that he be monogamous too, but she accepts that he is poly. I met her the last time I saw him, and although I wouldn't say we bonded as friends, she was polite and civil to me and welcomed me into her home, and I think that was probably the best I could have hoped for.

While I am not the first woman outside his marriage my partner has loved, I AM the first one he both loves, and has also had sexual intercourse with.

Here is the problem. My partner has some hormonal issues that have made sex difficult or impossible for him in the past. He's under the care of a doctor, and taking hormonal supplementation, and from a hormonal standpoint, at least, he is OK now. I do know that he has had issues with performance anxiety. He says he is having normal sexual intercourse with his wife most of the time. They do not use condoms. He does use condoms with me. While we have technically managed sexual intercourse a couple of times, it's always an "he's just barely hard enough to manage it" situation, and he always loses his erection a few minutes after we start. He has never had an orgasm with me. (I've had a bunch, he's great with his hands.) I can't seem to do a thing for him orally, or with my hands. He says that oral, at least, can't get him off anyway. I have the same problem myself.

I think we would have a good shot at successful intercourse if we could skip condoms. At the moment, my lover is my only partner outside of my marriage. My husband does not have other sexual partners outside of me at present. Neither my lover nor his wife have other partners. I was tested for all known STDs a few months ago and I was 100 percent fine, no oral herpes even. In addition, my lover had a vasectomy years ago.

I do realize that if any of us add partners, fluid bonding may have to end, depending on what is going on.

The problem is that my lover's wife refuses to approve us fluid bonding. He says she is worried about pregnancy. (Outside of him having a vasectomy, I am 47 years old too, and would never have a baby with anyone but my husband anyway.) I offered to use a backup method of contraception, and then he said she is worried about diseases. I point out that I have clean STD tests and no other partners at present. He then sighs, says she is not being rational and that he is not unhappy with our sex life. I don't like to tell him that I AM unhappy with our sex life, but of course I am. I want to see him have an orgasm. I want to have intercourse for more than three minutes. I want to have intercourse with a guy who is actually erect enough to penetrate me without serious gymnastics.

My lover's wife is aware that we are having these sexual difficulties, according to him. I suspect that this has nothing to do with pregnancy and disease, and everything to do with her wanting to be the only one he really enjoys sex with. I can't exactly say that to him though.

For now, I told my lover to try wearing condoms with his wife, and hopefully get used to them enough so that he can have normal sexual intercourse with a condom on.

Does anyone have any other suggestions? He did suggest a female condom for me, which his wife would approve as a substitute for a male one. I've never used one, but I already have some issues with decreased sensation during intercourse (ah, the joys of impending menopause), and I don't want to make things even worse in that area.
 
Maybe a diaphragm or a cervical cap? They're smaller than a female condom and might not block sensation the same way, but would provide the same safety.
 
I already offered to use a diaphragm with him, AnnabelMore. It's rather ridiculous since he must have a zero sperm count (he was tested as such years ago, and he's never gotten his wife pregnant since his vasectomy, and she is younger than I am too). But I'd do it for her comfort. She nixed that because a diaphragm is no protection against diseases. Which I don't HAVE, and my STD testing proves that!

As you can see, this is a little frustrating...
 
Do you ever talk to the wife directly, or is he the liason? Can the three of you meet together and discuss this, or can you develop a closer relationship with her so she can feel less threatened by you?
 
I doubt I'll see her before this summer. They live 2,000 miles away from me. I will be seeing him in April at a poly social event, which she likely will not attend with him, even though he wants her to come and I've encouraged it as well. (Plus the wife has an email friendship with my husband, whom she has never met, and he will be there too.)

She and I do email occasionally, but I have to say that I haven't enjoyed that much. She and I are very different people, and even though I know she doesn't intend to see me as an adversary, that still comes through the communication a bit, for me.

Mainly, the feeling I get from her is "There is nothing in it for me personally, that my husband has these feelings from you and is sleeping with you. So I won't make too many waves, but I certainly won't like it either, and I'm not going to go out of my way to smooth the path for you two."
 
I always remember some advice TruckerPete gave to a guy with the same problem in another thread:

I have a friend who can't get hard the first few times with any woman he feels a connection to.

If you don't already have an open dialogue about the issue you're experiencing... I'd suggest you start talking about it. Something simple...

Also, how are you putting your condom on? Do you try to get it on as soon as possible when you know it's "go" time? That could be scaring your man parts. Try putting the condom on and not jumping straight to sex. Touch yourself or have her touch you with it on. Don't be afraid to go through a few condoms before you actually have sex.

I have also seen others recommend that a guy practice getting comfortable with wearing a condom by masturbating with one on as much as possible.

It's very soon for fluid-bonding. You've only known him six months. Furthermore, it is a boundary in his primary relationship which should be respected. You almost sound like you're having a tantrum about it. How would you feel if your husband had a gf who was harping on him to change a boundary you and he agreed upon, and which was very important to you? It doesn't matter what her reason is, just because you don't like how the sex is going doesn't mean you're more entitled to going bareback than she is. Where is your empathy for what she is going through, being mono and allowing space in their relationship for him to have a gf? I think her position as his mono wife -- who is obviously struggling -- should be given compassionate consideration for the gift she has given you both.

I think you should try every option for you and he to handle issues within your relationship without trying to get her to change for you by giving up a boundary before she's ready. It's an unfair expectation to place on her and, let's face it, your relationship with him is still in the beginning stages. And it's not her fault you can't talk to him about not being satisfied. Better off to try and work past that one and make the necessary effort to communicate honestly with him about your disappointment (without blaming him or her). If you love him, you owe him that much.

And an STD-free report from a few months ago is apparently still inconclusive. It doesn't mean there was no infection immediately after the tests were done. From what I've read, it needs to be followed up with another 3-6 months later, for more peace of mind.
 
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If she is really worried about diseases she should be insisting that he wears a condom with her rather than insisting that he wear a condom with others. We are all responsible for our own sexual health. I'm not saying that he shouldn't wear a condom with you (honestly until you've had that follow up testing 6 months since the last outside sexual contact for any of you there is no way to know that you're 100% in the clear). I would have follow up testing done (and ask him to do the same). Then you can approach this conversation with her again. Also try the female condom, it might be more satisfying than you think it's going to be.
 
She might be just having issues with trust, instead of actively wanting to hamper your sexual enjoyment of each other. She doesn't know you - how can she trust you in that when you say you are only having sex with him and your husband? Not only does she have to trust her husband and you, but also YOUR husband, with her health and safety. She will have to trust that your husband will never have an affair that he chooses not to tell about to you.

I had a very similar problem which did not end very satisfactorily. Female condoms didn't affect my sensation as such, but they didn't stay on very well :(. Are you sure all of this is just condom anxiety and not general performance pressure, as you said he isn't really responding well to manual stimulation either?
 
Just because your boyfriend's wife trusts your boyfriend does not mean that she is under any obligation to trust you - now or ever. But I bet as the relationship matures, she might be able to become more comfortable with your position in her life if you continue to be diligent about your own sexual health, love for your boyfriend, and respect for her.

She has every right to make boundaries within her primary partnership. You have every right not to like those boundaries. But the only thing you have CONTROL over is your involvement in the relationship. If your boyfriend is satisfied with the boundaries his wife needs to feel confident about her sexual health, you're welcome to be unhappy about it and discuss it with them, but I think it's unfair to expect them to change a boundary that they're both content with.

I don't mean this harshly at all, so please don't take it that way; I don't know you or have any reason to be mean to you or make you angry, so please see this as constructive criticism from an outside 3rd party stranger looking in. Your post sincerely reads as though you're villifying her in your own mind, and making her responsible for your sexual disappointment. Things like how "the feeling I get from her is "There is nothing in it for me personally, that my husband has these feelings from you and is sleeping with you. So I won't make too many waves, but I certainly won't like it either, and I'm not going to go out of my way to smooth the path for you two." and "I suspect that this has nothing to do with pregnancy and disease, and everything to do with her wanting to be the only one he really enjoys sex with".... Especially in that last quote, it seems very villifying. She has given an extremely reasonable explanation for why she wishes him to use condoms with other partners. She doesn't want her sexual health compromised. She might trust him with her sexual health, but I think it's a bit much to expect her to trust someone (you) that she doesn't know very well nor has any background from which to establish any trust.

My suggestion? Accept her reasons and words at face value, try to understand her and show her understanding and compassion, and try to build a foundation with her that could allow for the development of trust.

Oh, and if your reason really IS that you want your boyfriend to achieve orgasm, it might please you to know that I know at least two men who can, for a fact, achieve orgasm and ejaculation with a flaccid cock, and manual stimulation alone. Lube helps ;)

If your reason is more that you want to be penetrated, bear in mind that lack of a condom would provide no guarantees. And I don't think that him wearing a condom with his wife is very helpful or fair, but masturbating with a condom is a great suggestion. You might also have him try masturbating with the condom on when he loses erection and can't stay in you. Encourage him, make him feel sexy. Losing an erection can make a guy feel humiliated and inadequate; if you can help him feel like he's still sexy and you still want him (and his cock), it could make all the difference. Try not to be disappointed, and try not to show disappointment. Channel that into encouragement and help him regain that erection while the condom's still on, and you might be able to pick right back up where you left off. State of mind can mean everything!
 
Thanks to everyone for their input on this. I haven't used this forum much yet, I'm more active on another one, but I so appreciate the variety of responses and how much thought everyone seems to put into them. I would like to respond to a few specific points several of you have made.

First off, vis a vis my sexual safety. I have not been with anyone else for a year except for boyfriend and husband. My last sexual experience that included anyone else was January 2011. I was tested for everything in August 2011 and I was fine. This means that anything I could have caught from my January partner had seven months to incubate. I met boyfriend for the first time in person later that month. He had had recent STD tests too, and had not had any sexual partners outside his marriage for at least three years, I believe. His wife has always been monogamous, for over two decades. My husband has been monogamous for about two years. I would say we are all perfectly safe. If anyone is lying about their sexual history, it's just as likely that it's his wife, as me. But I trust that she is being honest and hasn't cheated on him, because I know enough about her as a person to feel confident in that. I feel that she should know enough about me too. I can't MAKE someone trust me, but our interaction thus far, while somewhat limited, has definitely promoted the building of trust. If she doesn't trust me now, I doubt she ever will. That would be very sad, for me.

I believe she does trust my husband. They have formed a very close and regular penpal relationship, and I know she has told him some very personal things, which he has not shared with me. She is right to trust him, my husband would never cheat on anyone. I had hoped that her getting to know my husband so well would help my relationship with her, but so far, I can't tell if it is or not.

I do have empathy for the wife as a mono, nycindie, but I also know that she has put her husband, the man I love, through hell for about six YEARS now. I worry that she is NEVER going to be OK with him being poly, and I wonder how being with me can even be worth it to him. Every time he sees me it seems to engender so much discord on his end. I would have walked away a long time ago, love or no love, if I thought that by doing so he would just default to monogamy and be content with that, but he is poly to the core. He has told her numerous times that he loves her dearly, but if she truly can't deal with him being poly, he will let her go and support her as much as he can in building a new life and new relationships. She chooses to stay.

Vis a vis masturbating with a condom, boyfriend has tried that. He said he has been successful at doing that, and it isn't helping us. He's also tried drugs that are supposed to help with ED, on top of the hormones he's already on. The only thing he hasn't tried yet is wearing a condom with his wife. He said he is willing to do this.

I will address ViableAlternative's points individually:

She has every right to make boundaries within her primary partnership. You have every right not to like those boundaries. But the only thing you have CONTROL over is your involvement in the relationship. If your boyfriend is satisfied with the boundaries his wife needs to feel confident about her sexual health, you're welcome to be unhappy about it and discuss it with them, but I think it's unfair to expect them to change a boundary that they're both content with.

Only one of them is content with the boundaries she has set. My boyfriend is not content with them at all. He wants to fluid bond with me. He will not push it too much at this point because he doesn't want to upset her anymore than just him being poly is upsetting her. However, he says that if she is still not agreeing to allow us in another year's time, he will likely go ahead without her agreement on it, assuming that it still feels safe to him to do so.

Your post sincerely reads as though you're villifying her in your own mind, and making her responsible for your sexual disappointment. Things like how "the feeling I get from her is "There is nothing in it for me personally, that my husband has these feelings from you and is sleeping with you.

His wife actually said this pretty much verbatim to me in one of her emails to me a few months ago. While I like to think that her attitude has changed, I can't be sure. Her behavior on the fluid bonding issue doesn't seem to support that it has, to me.

"I suspect that this has nothing to do with pregnancy and disease, and everything to do with her wanting to be the only one he really enjoys sex with".... Especially in that last quote, it seems very villifying.

Maybe so. But the fact that she insists that a man with a five-year-old vasectomy that has always worked just fine, can get a 47 year-old woman in perimenopause pregnant, seems very disingenuous to me. Boyfriend says she is far more worried about pregnancy than STD risks. That is just not rational, and when something isn't rational, I look for the reasons behind it. I know she has major sexual jealousy where he is concerned. I also know that she isn't worried he is going to leave her for me, since I am totally unavailable to him in that way anyway. So I came up with a possible reason for her behavior. It might not be the kindest reason, but the circumstances support it, I think.
 
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I have a few thoughts on this that I feel like sharing.

I have seen many people choose fluid bonding only for their spouse(s) or long term live in relationships, and it can have to do with safety issues, with feeling special, with pregnancy worries (real or imagined). I don't know that she needs to give you reasons you think are valid that she doesn't want her husband to stop using condoms with you. I don't think pressing her on it now when she's said she isn't comfortable about it would be the kind thing to do.

When I was married previously, I started dating a person who had (partially imagined, mostly self created) ED and performance issues. It was my first other relationship that got serious, and condoms were making it very hard to have intercourse. I asked my husband if I could stop using condoms with this partner after 6 months. I knew it was pushing his comfort to do so, I knew I wouldn't appreciate being asked the same so soon, but I wanted to make it easy on my other partner, and I wanted to be having sex with him whenever we were together, so I did it anyway. I count that as the first of two times so far in poly that I rushed something that didn't need to be rushed, and put my SO in a bad position.

My current husband has issues using condoms (he's that guy up in the paragraph above I was talking about). We have had lots of talks about this, because even though it's hard for him to have sex with them on, we've agreed to not discuss fluid bonding with other partners until a relationship is long term, though we haven't set a specific "time". I don't imagine I'd feel comfortable with him fluid bonding with somebody for closer to a year. And I'd want to be friendly with them, and their partner(s) too, so I could really feel I had a handle on risk levels. I think that'd be the case even if we ended up in a closed quad. I do have to say I think there's a zero% chance I would ditch the condoms for him or for myself for a partner we weren't seeing much more regularly than 3-4 times a year, no matter how much he or I loved them.

My first husband to cheated on me after 12 years, the first time we we had a chance to have other partners (panic ensued after not finding anybody to sleep with so he made a bad choice so he could have a "sure thing") He did everything wrong including not using condoms. I never in a million years would've believed he could do that. If your partner's wife has ever been cheated on, expecting her to really trust acquaintances with her life (cause that's how I see it) no matter how trustworthy you know you are, no matter how much you trust your husband, that's asking a lot.

I also imagine that if she isn't feeling a lot of compersion with him dating you, the request to start trying condoms with him to help make it easier for him to have sex with YOU might not be met as a positive. It's something I want to practice with my husband because I want him to be able to have awesome sex, but I can certainly see how it could be viewed negatively, so please don't be offended if she doesn't jump eagerly to help. If they have any sexual issues at all themselves that could compound their problems too and cause resentment.

Anyway, I understand the frustration. I urge you to give her as much empathy and space to get comfortable with what you want as you can, as she is monogamous and we know there are a whole set of additional issues in mono-poly relationships. Since you are his first other sexual partner, it is probably all sorts of stressful for her, and there's no actual reason not to take it slow, nobody ever died from not getting to set asides condoms to have more sex. Just look at it as character building.

I can only imagine how threatened I'd be if my husband was plotting with another partner to break an agreement we had because he was tired of waiting for me to be comfortable enough so he could do what he wanted. I know you think you have good reasons, but if your husband started deciding he wanted to do things that you had agreements against, I don't imagine you'd be too happy about it either.

I kinda suggest you try to be OK with what you can have for another few months. Leave the condom talk off the table during your interactions, enjoy what you can, and let them work it out between themselves. Riling each other up with how unhappy you are and how much better it could be "if only" isn't doing anybody any favors I am guessing.


edit: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Female_condom male condoms provide enhanced sensation for men as compared to male condoms [12]; female condoms may provide enhanced sensation for women as compared to male condoms
 
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If she doesn't trust me now, I doubt she ever will. That would be very sad, for me...

I worry that she is NEVER going to be OK with him being poly, and I wonder how being with me can even be worth it to him.
I think your focus is misplaced. You seem to think that the big problem is HER not trusting you, HER non-acceptance of poly, HER need for you two to have barriers in place for sex, and that everything will be hunky-dory when SHE changes her position on these issues. But you are overlooking two things. First: She DID accept poly, by staying in the relationship with him and giving her okay for him to pursue another while they are still together, and setting boundaries for doing so. But you just don't like her terms. You and her husband are coming across a bit like whiny teenagers who just want to stay out all night without a curfew. Second: You yourself seem very unaccepting. If you can't accept that she will never be okay with poly, that she may not trust you, and that she will never feel okay with him going bareback with you... AND SHE DOESN'T HAVE TO BE... then you are no less difficult than how you perceive her to be. She's mono, deal with it. That is what you need to work around to be in a relationship with him.

AND there is no guarantee that getting your way and going bareback will magically give him a boner that lasts. There could be other factors, but you're so-o-o focused on making her the bad guy and that her insistence on using condoms is the reason sex with him is unsatisfying.

Every time he sees me it seems to engender so much discord on his end. I would have walked away a long time ago, love or no love, if I thought that by doing so he would just default to monogamy and be content with that, but he is poly to the core. He has told her numerous times that he loves her dearly, but if she truly can't deal with him being poly, he will let her go and support her as much as he can in building a new life and new relationships. She chooses to stay...
You might still have to walk away anyway, if you can't be patient enough to let things progress at the speed of the person most uncomfortable with this. I have walked away from two opportunities to be in relationship with married poly men specifically because the ways that they conducted their relationships with their spouses didn't sit well with me. One of them I cared for very much. But why should I try and change their relationships? Not my job.

Only one of them is content with the boundaries she has set. My boyfriend is not content with them at all. He wants to fluid bond with me. He will not push it too much at this point because he doesn't want to upset her anymore than just him being poly is upsetting her. However, he says that if she is still not agreeing to allow us in a year's time, he will likely go ahead without her agreement on it, assuming that it still feels safe to him to do so....
And you still want to be with him if he does that? You would be okay to break his agreement with her? I see no "walking a mile in her shoes" on your part at all.

While I like to think that her attitude has changed, I can't be sure. Her behavior on the fluid bonding issue doesn't seem to support that it has, to me.

...when something isn't rational, I look for the reasons behind it. I know she has major sexual jealousy where he is concerned.

Again, she doesn't owe you an explanation. Her relationship with him is none of your business. Work on your relationship with him and stop discussing how unfair you think she is. Don't be a sounding board for his complaints. Find solutions that are just between you and him and don't depend on changing her and his relationship with her. I think you need to be more generous in spirit toward your metamour and just focus on kindling a better sexual dynamic with him while staying within the boundaries they have. By doing that, she might be able to eventually trust you, but that shouldn't be your ulterior motive. Just take care of your relationship with him, and let him worry about his relationship with her.
 
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I agree with nycindie, particularly about the part of you being all fine with him violating their agreement with you. That's so uncool.

If you can't be sympathetic towards her, have you thought about what kind of position you are putting your boyfriend in? He has agreed on boundaries with his wife. They may not be 100% what he would prefer, but relationships sometimes require compromise, and relationships definitely require patience and respect. He is giving time, which is the loving thing to do from him. The loving thing from you would be to let him do that without adding pressure on him by focusing on all of "her boundaries" that stop you from having all you want.
 
"A hard man is good to find," as Mae West once said, Aphrodite rest her soul.

Sounds like you're in love with a man with ED. Condoms or not, it's disappointing. Since you only see him so seldom, in your shoes I'd welcome ANY kind of sex he is able to provide. Outercourse is great, and toys help.

Keep your options open and keep looking for another lover locally who has a nice hard cock. Perhaps your husband has one!

My primary insists I use condoms with anyone else, no matter how clean and shiny he is, and despite me being 56 and definitely not fertile. It just makes her feel special, to know we are fully exchanging fluids intervaginally with each other. (She's trans, she is pre-op.)
 
If you are willing to have him break agreements, then you are moving from poly to cheating. If he is willing to break agreements with her, he will do the same to you. There is no guarantee that the person he breaks the agreements with next time will be safe. However, there will be a next time because by allowing it you tell him it is ok to do. That being said, he is using her as a crutch instead of owning his agreements. If he doesn't like the agreements, it is up to him to renegotiate not you. The fact that he has not renegotiated but comes back with yet another excuse blaming her, so that you don't see that he is the real problem, tells me quite clearly that he doesn't perform that well even without condoms. Unless you sit and watch him with his wife, you will never know the truth of their sex life and you shouldn't.

Your relationship is with him, not her. You are dating someone with ED. You aren't going to have porn star sex. Get used to it. He needs to own it. Right now, it is less embarrassing for him to blame his wife than admit that his problem is not completely cured by the wonders of medicine.
 
My boyfriend is not blaming his wife for our sexual issues. He does think she is being unreasonable because, like me, he believes that fluid bonding is a safety issue, period. He is not breaking any agreements at present. He said that he wants to wait until a year has passed (not a year in our relationship, a year from NOW), and try to renegotiate their agreement (assuming we are still in a position to fluid bond safely). If she refuses to do so, he may act without her support. If he does that, he is willing to accept whatever consequences she decides on to keep herself safe.

We both believe that a poly relationship should proceed at the pace of the slowest partner, but if one partner is completely halted in their tracks and refuses to progress at all, then there is a serious problem that may not be solvable. I hope that is not the case here. We'll see.

Many men have ED with condoms and are basically functional without. I have passed on more than one lover because of this issue, people I would never have considered fluid bonding with. I also had a serious partner who was 28 years old and had this issue, with me, and with the woman he dated after me, but never with his wife, who was the only person he ever fluid bonded with.

Magdlyn, I like your practical solutions and I am definitely dating locally and open to having another partner. Alas, I am already married to a man with some ED issues. (No condoms used here either, just years of sex therapy, weekly testosterone shots, bottles of Cialis, and a whole lot of him flying off the handle because of what he imagines I am thinking or feeling. Sigh.)
 
You did say that he was happy with your sex life. That makes me imagine that he's not an amazing sex machine in bed at home either. You complaining that you'd like it to last more than a few minutes means you really hope for a lot. If he is happy and you're not... that really is a different issue.

Moving at the pace of the slowest partner doesn't mean that you keep moving until there are NO agreements or boundaries left. You haven't mentioned any other issues besides the sexual one, maybe there are some other things you would like to change over time - but I've never before heard of somebody saying that fluid bonding was something they insisted on happening and that one partner just was "refusing to progress" if they weren't OK with it happening. (I'm sure some people do say that, but I haven't run across it before) Besides the fact that it's only been six months...I think it's a problematic attitude for both you and your boyfriend.

Also if you did get to fluid bond then you had to stop because of the addition of another partner somewhere, you'd be right back at square one but even more discontent.
 
He does think she is being unreasonable because, like me, he believes that fluid bonding is a safety issue, period.
How is it that she is being unreasonable then? Just because you've been tested and had clean results (but haven't had the follow-up tests yet)? That isn't always enough for a partner to feel safe. Is she supposed to say, "oh, all righty then" just because it's good enough for you? And because you two won't accept her reasons for not going bareback? Wow, I can't believe how selfish you are.

You are still refusing to see how much you and he are vilifying her. You seem to think you are more important than she is. You are being quite callous by siding with him against her, and somehow have talked yourself into believing that's okay.
 
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nycindie, you seem to be quite fond of the word "vilify."

As I have said previously in this thread, my last sexual partner outside of my boyfriend and husband was a year ago. I was tested seven months after my encounter with this other person (in which condoms were used). There was no need to do followup tests to know that I was OK because there are no STDs that incubate for longer than six months, according to my friend the safer-sex educator. Regardless, I will be tested again before I see boyfriend again, even without any new partners, just for my own peace of mind. Boyfriend's wife knows all this. It isn't good enough for her, because she defaults to "Pregnancy is possible even with a five-year-old vasectomy and a 47 year old woman who is using a diaphragm." I haven't even tried to talk to her about what I would actually DO in a case of unplanned pregnancy (which is abort, since I believe that having a baby at my age would be a truly insane thing to attempt, no matter who the father is). There is no point.

If believing that another person is unreasonable and irrational is "vilifying" them, then I stand guilty here.
 
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nycindie, you seem to be quite fond of the word "vilify."
My last post was the first time I used the word in this thread. ViableAlternative used it before me.

Nevertheless, all your defensive posturing about how unreasonable his wife is being doesn't matter. Like I and others have said, she doesn't need to justify her reasons to you for not wanting him to stop using condoms. She doesn't have to have the same reasons you do about why it's safe if she is uncomfortable with him going bareback. Others have said here that some people like to feel special by being the only one their partner goes condomless with. It doesn't matter that that isn't good enough for you. She has her own reasons and if her husband isn't happy with those terms, that is between him and her to renegotiate. Why are you so insistent that she change for you? And at such an early stage of your relationship with him? It almost sounds like you've been brainwashed by his complaining. I think you're smarter than that.

Odd, also, how you overlooked several posts where people are telling you that his agreements with her are his business, not yours, and that if you choose to stay in the relationship, pushing him to break his boundaries is not nice and borders on being unethical. You haven't responded about how you would feel if your husband had a gf asking you to change your boundaries for her before you were ready.

All you really need to deal with are his unwilling willy and your issues surrounding that, not hers. I'm done.
 
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