Adoption/biological

Mohegan

New member
So Karma and I have been havign some pretty interesting talks lately. And I think our stance of never having kids may change. I have always wanted to be a mother, even though it scares the hell out of me. I had pretty much resigned myself to the fact that I never would be because Karma was so against it.

So now that it is something we are talking about, and may be considering (still not a yeah lets start trying now), I am questioning my health. I have a lot of things that will make pregnancy very hard on me. Fibromyalgia and my bad back being top on the list. Add in a history of cervical cancer, endometriosis plus all my mental stuff (OCD, depression, anxiety) I'm gonna have a hard pregnancy.

I've always thought about adoption. There is so much I could risk my child inheriting from either of us, I think I almost owe it to that child to not bring it into this life, when there are so many out there who are here and have no one to love and care for them.

But I've always wanted to experience pregnancy and carrying a child.

So what are your thoughts on having a biological child vs adopting?
 
I've birthed 4 kids.

I want more - we are in 'discussions' about adopting another one or two.

At this point in my life - I don't want/need to experience the baby stage, necessarily - I'd be happy adopting a 3-7 year old.

I have always wanted my own kids - but as I've matured - I realize that now I just want to raise more kids. :p
 
For me, I think I'd prefer adoption. Like you say, there are already enough people out there who don't actually have family and the world is becoming overpopulated as it is anyway. But then there's always the fact that it isn't really your child that would be stuck in the back of my head. There's something about creating my own that I just love the idea of.
In the end, it's going to be up to you and Karma.
 
Considering your challenges resemble my wifes in a lot of ways. Almost to a tee.

I would love to adopt, and not put her through the potential problems. But she is adamant she wants to give birth. We are speaking with doctors and getting the ball rolling on ways to make it work with minimal impact. :)

I have told her I want to adopt one kid at some point. With my background and seeing how horrible the system is, as well as watching adopted kids get brought to homes and then moved around. Who knows if it will happen, but I am interested.
 
if you're doing it for unselfish reasons, adopt.

If you're doing it for selfish reasons, get pregnant.
 
My two cents

I feel for you...

I have my three already, and would love to one day be a foster parent (all my kids friends tend to refer to me as their second mum :D at one point it was a running joke that I was the neighbourhood's mum), I would also have more bioligical children although it would likely cripple me.

For myself I would risk more than just crippling tbh... I have the sorry history of 4 terminations (1 a midterm) and 3 pregnancies to term. Along with significant abuse, damage to my spinal column and sciatica. Problems I faced during my pregnancy along with chronic fatigue, worsening of the sciatica, joints loosening and stretching to the point of sheer pain, low blood pressure leading to fainting, morning sickness throughout one of those pregnancies, and then haemorraging with a footleg breech. The footleg breech nearly killed me... quite literally. I did recover to have a successful term pregnancy following that (delivered naturally).

Not saying to scare you... just making clear unexpected complications are a huge factor that need to be taken into account in a situation like yours.

Having said that... while pregnancy can be a wonderful thing (I did experience one beautiful pregnancy out of the three :p ) it can also be extremely hard on the body, especially given the concerns you have mentioned. There are also many other complications that can be added to your medical concerns as a side effect of the pregnancy...

Have you seriously discussed the possibillity of a successful pregnancy with your doctor?

If your doctor is positive about the idea, and you have the absolute best support around you (you WILL need it) then by all means seriously consider it, there is nothing (to me) that compares to the feeling of having a little life growing inside you (instances of feeling like a parasite's host aside :p) and there is NOTHING that compares to the moment of birth.

If your doctor is not keen on you taking the risk I would listen, and consider a surrogate (if biological children are really important to you and Karma) or adoption... it is possible to adopt a newborn (though I believe the waiting list is quite long and there can be severe disappointments if the birth mother changes her mind). I would also suggest you consider fostering... it can be heartbreaking when they return to their parents, but you will have made a positive change to a child's life, and shared your love with those who really need it.

Personally... I think I would opt for fostering, while in the queue to adopt...
 
<snip>

If your doctor is positive about the idea, and you have the absolute best support around you (you WILL need it) then by all means seriously consider it, there is nothing (to me) that compares to the feeling of having a little life growing inside you (instances of feeling like a parasite's host aside :p) and there is NOTHING that compares to the moment of birth.

If your doctor is not keen on you taking the risk I would listen, and consider a surrogate (if biological children are really important to you and Karma) or adoption... it is possible to adopt a newborn (though I believe the waiting list is quite long and there can be severe disappointments if the birth mother changes her mind). I would also suggest you consider fostering... it can be heartbreaking when they return to their parents, but you will have made a positive change to a child's life, and shared your love with those who really need it.

Personally... I think I would opt for fostering, while in the queue to adopt...
I actually like the idea of a surrogate too. But that's not really in a man's power. :(
I think if my partner/s were ok with that, I'd love to take that road though. It's almost like adopting your own children. :p
 
Not saying to scare you... just making clear unexpected complications are a huge factor that need to be taken into account in a situation like yours.

Have you seriously discussed the possibillity of a successful pregnancy with your doctor?

If your doctor is positive about the idea, and you have the absolute best support around you (you WILL need it) then by all means seriously consider it, there is nothing (to me) that compares to the feeling of having a little life growing inside you (instances of feeling like a parasite's host aside :p) and there is NOTHING that compares to the moment of birth.


Personally... I think I would opt for fostering, while in the queue to adopt...

Thanks for the honesty. I didn't take any of it as a scare tatic, but honesty it was what I was looking for. I know very well the complications that could arise. I come from a very medical family, as well as seeing mutiple specialists. The risks involved are a huge reason why I am thinking this over so thoroughly.

My Drs are actualy all for it. I've been told none of my scar tissue should get in the way of getting pregnant. I may have issues carrying because of the cancer and the multiple laposcropies for the endo, but they won't know for sure until I am actualy pregnant. I have been told I will most likely be on bedrest for the majority.

I think part of my indecision comes from wondering what our child would be like, what our DNA would create. I see the miracle that is my niece, what my brother and his wife created. I want the same for Karma and I.

I have had several friends offer to surrogate for us. I'm still undecided on that. That's a lot to ask someone, even if they are the ones who offered. Plus I'm a control freak and that's taking giving up control to a whole new level.

Which brings my brain back around to adoption. I'll be healthy and not recovering, so I can be involved in their life right away, I'm giving a child a home and love that they weren't born into, I can continue taking my meds and there is no health risk. But will my sometimes materialistic and very appearance based family accept our adopted child? My brother will no doubt, but I wonder about my parents. Can Karma and I handle knowing that child, whom we'll love ( I have no doubt), won't have our DNA? Wouldn't that be a good thing anyway with all they could inherit?

And this is why I posed the question. My brain keeps going in connecting circles. I know it is our decision, I would never allow someone to decide this for me. But hearing others opinions or experiences has always helped me make tough decisions.

And for all I know, Karma may change his mind again and this could all be for nothing.
 
Captain Obvious told me to remind you:

you can change your mind as many times as you want before you have them, but you can't change your mind after you have them.
 
I'm all for either or both. I have know families that have both biological children and adopted children. Some adopted their first and then got pregnant, where others had one, but wanted more kids but couldn't have anymore naturally. Talk with other women who have similar medical issues that you do and have had babies and see what they say.

I had some friends that always swore they would never have children. She had alot of issues with her family and attempted suicide more than once. It was not long after the second attempt that they moved closer to his parents, a good 6 hours away from hers. Within about 2 years they were expecting their first baby. They now have 2 and he is a stay at home dad. He is the one that alway said he wouldn't be capable of loving anyone else.
 
Captain Obvious told me to remind you:

you can change your mind as many times as you want before you have them, but you can't change your mind after you have them.

That would be why we are in the discussion phase and not the trying phase. Thought that was kind of obvious.
 
I have a lot of things that will make pregnancy very hard on me. Fibromyalgia and my bad back being top on the list. Add in a history of cervical cancer, endometriosis plus all my mental stuff (OCD, depression, anxiety) I'm gonna have a hard pregnancy . . . There is so much I could risk my child inheriting from either of us . . .
Think past the pregnancy and what raising a child will be like for you, with OCD, depression, anxiety, and various physical ailments. Not only would it be tough on you but very tough on the kid. I was raised by an extremely depressed and paranoid mother, who suffered from anxiety and had physical problems, too, and my life was pretty fucked up for a long time because of it. I wouldn't wish that kind of burden on any child -- my life revolved around making my mother feel better, always thinking it was my fault when she was unhappy or in pain. It didn't matter that she told me it wasn't my fault, kids think they are the cause of stuff. And then I acted out because there was nothing I could do, and I didn't treat myself very well. I'm 50 now and still have so many unresolved issues over my upbringing. Sometimes we have to accept that being a parent might not be the best role for us. Do you really think you can focus your attention and life on raising another human being to be an emotionally well and happy individual who contributes to society? And not just to satisfy some urge in you? You can't be scattered and flip-flopping back and forth about everything, you have to provide stability and discipline to parent well.
But I've always wanted to experience pregnancy and carrying a child.
You make it sound like the challenge of running a marathon. It's another person's life you're talking about. Sorry to be so blunt, but I find the idea troublesome when someone has so much going on, wants to bring a kid into the world, and thinks only of the pregnancy and not beyond that.
 
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I've responded privately. Because I feel your response was rude, made a lot of assumptions and had little to do with the questions posed.

But for an overall response. I've given much thought to how things would effect a child and have many things in place that must happen before I'll even start trying. I'm not entering into this lightly AT ALL. Raising a child is a huge responsibility. I'm not ignorant to that fact. And honestly, that's why I am just now at 27 even thinking about it. This thread was about adoption vs biological children, and I gave my reasons why I was considering adoption. I've already worked with my Drs to make sure I am at my healthiest, if Karma and I decide to have children, regardless of how we have them.
 
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Think past the pregnancy and what raising a child will be like for you, with OCD, depression, anxiety, and various physical ailments. Not only would it be tough on you but very tough on the kid. I was raised by an extremely depressed and paranoid mother, who suffered from anxiety and had physical problems, too, and my life was pretty fucked up for a long time because of it. I wouldn't wish that kind of burden on any child -- my life revolved around making my mother feel better, always thinking it was my fault when she was unhappy or in pain. It didn't matter that she told me it wasn't my fault, kids think they are the cause of stuff. And then I acted out because there was nothing I could do, and I didn't treat myself very well. I'm 50 now and still have so many unresolved issues over my upbringing.

Your experience only. Not every child's of a disabled parent's experience.

Sometimes we have to accept that being a parent might not be the best role for us. Do you really think you can focus your attention and life on raising another human being to be an emotionally well and happy individual who contributes to society? And not just to satisfy some urge in you? You can't be scattered and flip-flopping back and forth about everything, you have to provide stability and discipline to parent well.
Someone who makes a decision, before getting pregnant, to consider all options will, in my mind, be a great parent. Regardless of life circumstances, she's already putting her (future) children's needs first. You can be the most stable, most emotionally healthy person in the world - and then have something tragic happen to leave you thinking about suicide on a daily basis, to be thinking about how much better your children would be without you - and you had NO way to prepare for it. Someone who is cognizant of challenges and works FROM THE BEGINNING to make sure they have a back up plan and adequate support in place is an amazing parent - and the kids being raised by that person will be extremely lucky.

Sorry to be so blunt, but I find the idea troublesome when someone has so much going on, wants to bring a kid into the world, and thinks only of the pregnancy and not beyond that.

What makes you think she's thinking only of the pregnancy? Parenting for me was the WHOLE experience. The getting pregnant, the anxiously hoping for the + sign, then following my babies' progress as they grew within me. The experience of pregnancy and childbirth is unique and amazing. It is the start of an amazing journey.

Mohegan - make the decision that works best for your family, for your life, and with your doctor's support. It can be done, if you have the support in place and the will and desire to succeed.
 
I agree with MBG. Personally I think that people who have dealt with alot of these issues(depression, anxiety, etc) prior to raising children are probably in a much better position than those of us who weren't used to dealing with these things prior to getting pregnant. Kids can bring forth so many emotions from one extreme to another.

I always teased my husband that I had to endure labor, but he had to put up with my mood swings and pregnant brain for nine months, so we're about even :p. I will admit to enjoy being pregnant and had it pretty easy from the stories I hear.
 
I agree with MBG. Personally I think that people who have dealt with alot of these issues(depression, anxiety, etc) prior to raising children are probably in a much better position than those of us who weren't used to dealing with these things prior to getting pregnant. Kids can bring forth so many emotions from one extreme to another.

So true.

Karma and I have done a lot of talking and a lot of researching over the years. I've spoken with people in my fibro support group, those who chose to ahve children and those who didn't. I've spoken with some of their children, who have said they felt that being raised by a parent with disabilities gave them an understanding they wouldn't have had otherwise.

My illnesses are my burden. I've never expected anyone to carry them for me. The only reason I let Karma help is because he's offered. But he is my partner, not my child. I will never expect them to share that weight.

I will educate them, and hopefully raise them to be understanding and accepting of those with limitations, but I will never do anything to purposely make them feel that it is their burden to carry.

The same goes with the depression,anxiety and OCD. My fears there were more the hormone change than other stuff. I'm on a great maintenance program and have a lot of support in place, should problems arise.

We are not entering into this lightly in any way.
 
Because I feel your response was rude, made a lot of assumptions and had little to do with the questions posed.

I'll disagree with that assessment of the response being rude. Asking hard questions/making the hard observations are not, of themselves, rude, so I don't see any problem with that. I also don't see any problems with the way in which the concerns were presented, so I'm having a difficult time figuring out how the message was supposedly rude.

It did speak to something not on topic, however, as your OP asked for discussion on bio or adoption should you choose to have a child. Because it's not dealing with the indicated topic and you apparently don't wish to expand the discussion to include it, then I'll ask everybody to drop that line of discussion now. (Keeps me from having to clean up the thread later after everybody has thrown food around the lunch room....)
 
Wow, you can do that, AT? Cool! ;)

Well, the job of Royal Executio...er, Assass...um, Guy Who Gets Things Done includes janitorial duties. Sad, really. Somebody has to do it, though.
 
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