Dating...

And I know there's a sticky about dating and polyamoury - but this is rather more elemental.

How do you KNOW you're dating someone?

At what point does 'going for coffee' and 'getting together to hang out' stop being a friendship thing and move into an exploration of a romantic relationship?

I ask because I have never done the dating thing. Been out on ONE date in my entire life. :eek: Even my husband and I didn't date.

So while I'm not at that point yet - I like to do my research and be prepared... because I will happily carry on, enjoying someone's friendship, not realizing that the other person is seeing our relationship as something entirely deeper. Or conversely - I will be crushing, only to be crushed when I find out they are just "not that into me"

My previous relationships have been - hey, lets hook up, hey i like you, hey you're my boyfriend type things...

Even my relationship with the Man was a little skewed.

So dating scares me. Mostly, because at the tender age of 36, I don't know what it looks like to date someone. I have no frame of reference.

Jane
 
Dating has changed...

I'm pretty certain dating doesn't exist at all in some places...

All the old dating rules apply if you want them to... (I'm 50, so the guys I'm meeting are 45+ so they tend to pay for the meal - if there is one.)

Part is going to a restaurant/venue where you can talk to each other and hear each other. Movies suck for dates - just sitting in a dark theatre. Although the right movie, and a discussion later could be wonderful. For that matter a bit of petting during the movie could be fun... (Do people still pet?)

Maybe it helps to declare it a date, to go through the old fashioned, "I asked, so I'm paying" routine. Maybe we should say, "I feel attracted to you, I'd like to know if you feel the same way."

Like everything else, it's all about communication. Find out what others want. Let them know what you want.
 
I had virtually no dating experience prior to deciding to explore being poly. At that point I had been with my husband for 4.5 years and married for two.

I met someone on OKC. We messaged back and forth for awhile, and then met in person. We clicked really well and decided to get together again. At the end of that night, he asked me what I wanted out of our relationship. It was a terribly awkward conversation, but it was the first of many where we asked each other what we were to each other. The next time we got together, I asked if we were boyfriend and girlfriend, for lack of a better term. He agreed we were and that was that.

When in doubt, ask. Actually I think that is probably the fundamental advice for being poly, on all subjects.
 
Have you tried asking?

I've honestly had to fall back on that a number of times. :D I know, it's hard to do!

The worst that happens is you don't feel the same about each other. And that would've come out eventually. Your friendship will either survive or not, depending on how strong the feelings are and what type of people you are.

Alternatively, you may be stressing out that the other person is having feelings you don't share. If they don't have these feelings, you're probably putting a strain on the friendship by worrying, without even realizing it, so clearing the air is good!

However, if you have feelings and don't act, you could miss your chance if the other person doesn't make a move ... except to move on.
 
Just to be clear - these are pre-emptive questions.

I am a chess player. I see things 3-5 moves ahead of where I am.

This gets me in trouble sometimes :p

Yes, there are people I'm interested in, but I haven't figured out if I'm interested in them as friends or more. At this time - I'm content to enjoy the friendships as they are - and see where things go.

If they go down path A - we'll continue to be good friends.

If they go down path B - I'll be having those ^^^ conversations.

But in the meantime - I'm just chillaxing :D
 
I can only use myself as an example.

I can explain this from two perspectives. My old friends and "now"

1st My friends back home, if they saw my life as is, would assume I am dating...well currently 7 women. I go on "dates", out for drinks, dinner, beer, coffees etc. However the reality is I have a lot of female friends.

When I "date" someone I am specific. I ask them out on a date. I try not to leave anything veiled or possibly hidden. This saves me from getting hurt if I expect something to be a date, and it wasn't, which has been

With my friends, there is always a chance it could evolve into more since I leave that door open. But it doesn't necessarily overlap. I have one friend I have been known to cuddle and snuggle with at the bar. But there is 0 potential of anything beyond friendship. We are just that close.

As long as you openly discuss it, it will work. The nice thing about poly is I find communication easier, not harder. Being single there is a lot of guess work. So far, in my encounters, the "just ask" approach works, as long as people realize they may not always get the answer they want :)
 
We joked about this once in our community because it is very unclear. When is coffee just coffee or when is it "COFFEE?" Because we have joked about it I am now able to say to someone ahead of time that I would love to met them for just coffee and then laugh about it.
 
I sympathize with the dating question. I have rarely if ever been on a date, per se, despite 32 years of avid partnering. Precisely how the various shes and I have ended up together is a mystery, given the non-dating nature of the experience. Without exception, come to think of it, we just end up together and monogamous. This is how the cycle has repeated again and again, with no explicit conversation about what either one of us wants or needs or expects or does not expect from a relationship. Is it any wonder that, even when we have been great together, these little bondings have ended in catastrophe over and over again?

I have never been friends with a woman for any length of time prior to being with her sexually. If I am friend with a woman for a long time, it means we will never be sexual. Then, after my little dyads die off, I am always friends with the women for years and years. My first ex-wife and I have been friends for 15 years now.

Now I have decided I would like to go on dates. It is very awkward! I literally do not know how to do it. Me, with a relationship and sex inventory five times longer than my forearm. The funny thing is I don't know how to just have a relaxed, conversational, playful good time with a woman. No strings, no sex worries, no heavy "is she the one?" questions, no big commitments or big decisions. Just a good, simple time. So this is now what I am interested in learning how to do.

I think the suggestions to "just ask" are utterly insane! Every interaction between a man and a woman is inherently dishonest and based on a game. Surely, this "communication" thing is a trick, just another way for people to gain the upper hand in the mating dance? :)

Immaterial
 
I think the suggestions to "just ask" are utterly insane! Every interaction between a man and a woman is inherently dishonest and based on a game. Surely, this "communication" thing is a trick, just another way for people to gain the upper hand in the mating dance? :)

I don't believe in games when it comes to feelings in any sort of interpersonal relationship. This stems from how I was raised (or rather, how I wasn't), where it was anyone's guess as to how a certain family member was feeling and my job was to figure it out and act accordingly.

As a result, I have terrible anxiety at the beginning of relationships, romantic or otherwise. I need to be clear and communicative, appropriate of course, to how far along the relationship is.

Is it insane? I don't know about that. It certainly is awkward and embarrassing at times ... But well worth the result! Just last night, I discovered that A, a new relationship I am very intersted in, is just as interested. And it feels wonderful!
 
I think the suggestions to "just ask" are utterly insane! Every interaction between a man and a woman is inherently dishonest and based on a game. Surely, this "communication" thing is a trick, just another way for people to gain the upper hand in the mating dance? :)

Immaterial

Just curious... what is the payoff to this dishonesty?

"Are you interested in me?" Yes - we continue progressing towards a deeper relationship. If dishonest yes goal is sex/ no emotional relationship?

"Are you interested in me? " No - We continue to be friends, or not. If you're not interested, I doubt anyone would ask twice-unless you suddenly acted interested.

Is there an advantage to dishonesty? or is it just a Harlequin romance plot device.... transferred to RL?


I'm thinking about the lies of omission that I've (not) told. I'm currently unemployed. Don't mention that here or on okcupid. I'm actively looking for a job, I can pay my rent. I don't need sympathy, a hand out or a sugar daddy. Is it dishonest to NOT mention that? Yes, the timing sucks, OTOH, when I'm working... 12 hour days... I'm not able to spend time looking for a relationship... and a bed is only for sleeping.
 
I think the suggestions to "just ask" are utterly insane! Every interaction between a man and a woman is inherently dishonest and based on a game. Surely, this "communication" thing is a trick, just another way for people to gain the upper hand in the mating dance? :)

Immaterial

This is exactly why the question should be asked because I would not want to become too deeply involved with someone who thinks like this.

Approaching people with the assumption that they are being "inherently dishonest"? Pfeh.

At least my lack of faith in people goes beyond "gaining the upper hand in the mating dance".:rolleyes:
 
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ok I will say, I don't mind the "game" or the "hunt"...honestly it can be fun. But there are points when clarity is needed. Just milestones that stop that random "what the hell is actually happening here"...those should never be part of the game and communication should be clear and concise.

"yes, we are dating, now lets play"
"yes, this is serious, lets talk"
"yes, I love you..."

I have been in a "thing" where key points weren't discussed and the assumptions, anxiety and missed opportunity was horrible. I will never let that happen again.

I think the suggestions to "just ask" are utterly insane! Every interaction between a man and a woman is inherently dishonest and based on a game. Surely, this "communication" thing is a trick, just another way for people to gain the upper hand in the mating dance? :)

Is it safe to assume this is sarcasm?...or do you really believe this?

Just +1?

I thought it would be worth at least +6.

I am big enough to count for 2...so I can make it plus 3. :)
 
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My husband said to me after the second or third time we spent together "Would you rather be called "girlfriend" or "multi-fuck"?"

yes, some people would find this question tacky or insulting, but I appreciated that he bothered to ask it. I am not offended by the use of the words "girl" or "fuck" in this context. there was no "mating game", "inherent dishonesty" or "gaining the upper hand" involved AT ALL.
 
Just +1?

I thought it would be worth at least +6.

I'm new. I was being nice to someone I strongly disagreed with and treading cautiously when expressing my enthusiasm. ;) For the record, I will give as many plusses as allowed.

Is it safe to assume this is sarcasm?...or do you really believe this?

Alas, I don't think so, judging from the tone of the rest of the post and immaterial's own admission that his bondings have ended in catastrophe.
 
don't worry about being new :)...put your opinions out there and table them. I think most of us here like healthy opinions as long as you don't mind debate :D
 
I was joking. That's why I put one of those silly ":)" things after the statement. Which reminds me of a joke I heard recently: "How many polyamorists does it take to change a light bulb?" "That's NOT FUNNY!" :) :) :) :) :)

Immaterial
 
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ok I will say, I don't mind the "game" or the "hunt"...honestly it can be fun. But there are points when clarity is needed. Just milestones that stop that random "what the hell is actually happening here"...those should never be part of the game and communication should be clear and concise.

But the question for me - is how to know WHEN those points should be clarified. Its a fine line and balance that *I* don't quite get yet.

My relationship with my husband went from boss to lover to living together in the space of 3 weeks. 4 weeks after that - we uprooted our lives and moved to a new town.

So for ME - knowing when to ask those questions - or tell the person that "hey - I like you and want to explore something further" but not feel like I'm going to get trampled on.
 
In all sincerity, no smiley face, I totally hear what you are saying, TruckerPete. I too was raised in a confusing family where feelings were rarely if ever discussed and where one never knew with any clarity precisely where one stood. It was maddening. I have re-enacted this confusion over and over again in relationship. I feel like I do a lot of interpreting. It's co-dependent and unhealthy. And it is precisely because of dishonesty, lack of communication skills and lack of fundamental trust that all of my former pairings came to a bad end. The essential dishonesty for me actually starts very early in the implicit or explicit claim to being monogamous, which I have never actually wanted to be. I have lied about it in order to be in a continued relationship, assuming that the other person would find my poly/non-monogamy unacceptable. How's that for dysfunction?

If you read my blog on here you see I am an open book. Honesty first, now. That's my rule. If another person wants the game in all its glory, she can easily find it elsewhere. I'm done. Game over.

Immaterial
 
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