Advice.."My wife doesn't feel THAT way about me"

poobah123

New member
So my wife says to me, "I don't feel THAT way for you". I asked her what she meant and she said she loves me but does not feel physically attracted to me. Meaning I do not arouse her sexually.

How do I handle this? I know it can be for a variety of reasons:

  • Been together 20 years
  • Sex with someone new
  • I have been having some ED problems :(
  • Hard getting over the emotional pain I caused her during our marriage
  • Difficulty getting over the hurt of me falling in love with someone else

Obviously I am doing something wrong emotionally. She has been unattracted to me in that way for a long time she says due to our fading relationship over the years. However we have gotten much better and she agrees. Our marriage is great now and we are looking forward to the future.

I am really torn up by this. Is this a sign she has lost her love for me although she says that's not the case? or will this just take time? or perhaps is she just not cut out for polyamory?

Any advice would help. Thanks

On a side note I am not bad looking. I am in good shape. Athletic and good looking. I am constantly getting flirts from other women (even married). One even told a table of women where my wife was sitting that she wanted to have sex with me.
 
Last edited:
Was there a time, when she DID feel that way about you ?

Was she ever, at any point the type to be overcome with lust and love and desire ?


If so,...then maybe.

She has to be the one to decide to try and rekindle that spark though. :( If she has ANYTHING rolling around in the back of her head saying ,..'maybe'...then it is possible that somehow, she has emotionally steeled herself over the years.

What not to do ? Don`t constantly tell her you`ll do 'anything' to get back to how things were. She has to know and feel, that her emotions are directed by herself, not manipulated by someone else's good intentions.

This is very hard to do. To sit back and let the cards fall where they may. This does not mean sit on your ass though. :) Go out, and live honestly, and compassionately, but be your own person.

Things will go as they should.

Side note - If you are the good looking guy who sucks up female attention, and forgot about her in the past, she could be so entirely sick of your shit that it`s hard for her to find 'that feeling.' The type of person she is attracted to, might differ now with age and wisdom.
50/50 odds .
 
Yes. Rather recently actually. I had an emotional affair. The result of which is a poly relationship with the other couple if you can believe. However there was a time when she felt like she was really going to lose me and she said she got back that feeling. I imagine it stopped because we decided to be poly with the other couple.

I have never forgotten about her in terms of romance and sexuality. I consider myself much more well versed in romance than most men and I never stopped this. I had my flaws but I have changed now. She has also had flaws and I have forgiven and moved on.
 
I think it can be a protective measure. If she is afraid of being hurt again she is guarding her heart, and therefore her sexuality as well. I'd say just try and be gentle, and patient. Back rubs can do wonders! Or just holding each other. Sometimes just laying next to each other naked in the bed, then let your bodies do the work on their own. Or not. Maybe just sweet caresses. Long-term relationships have their ebb and flow. Sometimes a spark ignites and takes you totally by surprise!
 
Does this mean she refuses to have sex with you?.... because she just not sexually into you....or is it you felt some disconnect during an encounter ...then asked....and got that answer.

I'm not sure what her thinking is but I'd have a real hard time thinking and being in intimate terms with her again ....Honesty is great ....those type of statements are mood killers ....and just because you had sexual desire for her today and yesterday doesn't mean it will be there tomorrow.....and she maybe fine with that. Hard to un-ring a bell.

Good luck D
 
So my wife says to me, "I don't feel THAT way for you". I asked her what she meant and she said she loves me but does not feel physically attracted to me. Meaning I do not arouse her sexually.

How do I handle this? I know it can be for a variety of reasons:

If the relationship works for you even with that, do nothing.

If the relationship doesn't work for you, you're gonna have to change things. Find out what does arouse her and figure out from there if it's possible for you to change something to where you do arouse her. If the problem is specific to you, then walk on and find a partner or partners who do desire you sexually. Or stay involved with her yet spend your attention building new relationships with those who do desire you.
 
Was there a time, when she DID feel that way about you ?

Was she ever, at any point the type to be overcome with lust and love and desire ?


If so,...then maybe.

She has to be the one to decide to try and rekindle that spark though. :( If she has ANYTHING rolling around in the back of her head saying ,..'maybe'...then it is possible that somehow, she has emotionally steeled herself over the years.

What not to do ? Don`t constantly tell her you`ll do 'anything' to get back to how things were. She has to know and feel, that her emotions are directed by herself, not manipulated by someone else's good intentions.

This is very hard to do. To sit back and let the cards fall where they may. This does not mean sit on your ass though. :) Go out, and live honestly, and compassionately, but be your own person.

Things will go as they should.


Side note - If you are the good looking guy who sucks up female attention, and forgot about her in the past, she could be so entirely sick of your shit that it`s hard for her to find 'that feeling.' The type of person she is attracted to, might differ now with age and wisdom.
50/50 odds .

SG, thanks especially for that bolded part. Indeed very hard to do. You're smart and funny.
-R
 
Imagine how you would feel if you found out she hadn't felt "that" way in years and had participated in a highly active sex life with you while faking it. I don't know the answers but I do know you are lucky to have the honest communication and self-awareness on her part that allows you both to have a place to move forward from.... Even if the where to part is murky at best!
 
Follow up....

We went out last night and had a great night talking. We identified some things that are certain to be possible causes. The good thing is that she still loves me. She assumed since she could not get aroused I would want to leave her or the marriage should just end but I told her this was wrong.

We identified some possible causes:

  • There are still underlying resentment for hurt we caused each other
  • This problem did not start when she started with her OSO. It started 6 years ago.
  • She can still orgasm but she doesn't get aroused. Example would be "wet" or feel it etc.
  • We introduced toys to her sex life which possibly took the intimacy out of the time spent
  • I have put too much pressure on her to achieve orgasm.
  • I sometimes have been unsupporting of her relationship with her OSO
  • I have not paid enough attention to her recently. Too much OSO and not enough SO.

We both agreed that we have work to do but it's worth the effort because we love each other. I understand that if she is to get that back it has to come naturally and I can't make her feel pressured. I will do what it takes.

It truly was a great evening. We did not end up having sex but she asked. It was a rough day for her because the kids got her up early so I was fine with that.

Now the interesting question. Can she get that back for me while she has an OSO that she is physical with?


She is thinking of cutting the relationship off so she can just work on us but that mean I cut my OSO relationship off. Since this problem did not start with her OSO but with me many years ago I tend to think we don't have to stop.

Oh man this poly stuff is really tough sometimes but very positive. The problem is out, we are talking instead of it hiding for years and possibly ending much worse.

Thoughts?

ps. and a BIG thank you to everyone who replied. I have been really upset about this but thanks to people like you offering support I am able to get help.
 
Last edited:
My initial reaction is that you both don't need to stop seeing your OSOs, for several reasons.

First, she doesn't want added pressure. Being monogamous, even temporarily, and focusing on making it hot again between the two of you would seem like a big pressure to me. You might tread carefully and think you're not pressuring, but, it's just too much of a heated topic to not feel on some level that letting go of the OSOs means there must be improvement in this area. Pressure! I think that just finding ways to connect again (on many levels, not just sexually) will be a big help, without making this such a "heavy" issue.

Second, and no less important, it would be disrespectful to your OSOs to ditch them in favor of working on your relationship with your wife. When you get involved with several people, don't they all deserve the same respect and consideration as human beings whom you love and care for? I think it's is a responsibility in poly to not take any of our relationships lightly, and discarding one for another seems to send a message to the OSO that they don't matter. That doesn't mean that your wife doesn't hold a special place in your heart, nor that she can't have special treatment as your primary, but each person should be accorded the respect and honor they deserve as a partner in your life.

I think it would be better all around for both of you to continue connecting in ways that you enjoy being with each other, keep communicating, and bring respect, kindness, caring, and love into all your relationships.
 
Slowing down is one thing, maybe saying to the OSO, honey, I'm going to be spending more time and energy on my marriage for a while, so you might be seeing less of me, do you think we can work that out? But what an emotionally harsh thing it would be to do, to drop a partner completely for something that has nothing to with your relationship with them. And how exactly would it help? Good on you for hesitating at that idea.
 
I came back to post again because I just had this thought. Totally intuition on my part, but I get the sense that you and your wife need more playfulness and lightheartedness between you. I think that making time to have fun together, just the two of you, without family, day-to-day responsibilities, or other worries of married life, will make a huge difference. I have this image of you taking her to a carnival, buying her a cotton candy, and going for a ride on the Ferris wheel. Do you two have a regular "date night?" If not, I highly recommend!
 
I came back to post again because I just had this thought. Totally intuition on my part, but I get the sense that you and your wife need more playfulness and lightheartedness between you. I think that making time to have fun together, just the two of you, without family, day-to-day responsibilities, or other worries of married life, will make a huge difference. I have this image of you taking her to a carnival, buying her a cotton candy, and going for a ride on the Ferris wheel. Do you two have a regular "date night?" If not, I highly recommend!

Yes. This.
 
ugh it just gets worse. I forgot to mention that it doesn't help that I have been having erection problems. I am not sure of the cause. I think subconciously could I not be ok with this whole situation? then again life has been stressful for me. Laid off, job search, landed crappy job. money tight. Plus I take Cymbalta which is an anti-depressent for anxiety which could cause this problem.

Either way this inability of mine hit a peak tonight and I just got really angry. Hot flashes. ugh. Just another problem to deal with.

My SO and my OSO know and both are really supportive with this though.
 
Plus I take Cymbalta which is an anti-depressent for anxiety which could cause this problem.

How long have you been on Cymbalta? My partner VanillaIce takes it for chronic pain and although at first, both her libido and ability to get wet and climax were affected, the side effects have minimized now that she's been on it for a while.
 
Last night was a breaking point. I have to say my wife came home from being out with her OSO and was SOOOO supportive of me. God it made me feel great.

I think I have been on it for like 5 years. I am starting to ween myself off the medication. I truly feel in my heart that I don't feel like my wife and her OSO are the cause of the problem.

I really believe it's a problem with depression. I really don't like my job even though I am paid well and it's close to home. Just barely making it financially. I digress, these forums are not for these types of problems.

I am still thankful for everyone's support.
 
Long-term problems ( disliking a job) can cause a low-grade depression that will eat away at a libidio, or cause 'performance' problems.
A person can become so acquainted with disliking something, that it feels normal. Then its difficult to connect the dots on where the problem stems from.

I`m not a solve-problems-with-drugs kinda gal, though I know some people who definitely need them.
In your case, from what you tell us, I think your body is trying to tell you something. You need to get to the heart of whats troubling you ( you`re already working on that,..good.) and the job situation might be a big factor, as a contributing cause.
 
Back
Top