We need a little guidance please

Hi,

We are long time lurkers here and need the experience of the group to illuminate the path a little more for us.
We are a poly couple that are looking for another poly couple to learn to have closer relations with. We have tried through Craigslist posting in misc. romance with mixed success. We know there are more people like us in our area. We have found the old poly enigma of meeting a couple where one member is super and the other not so super. We have been in a long-term triad that happened on its own. We have met others separately and found that we enjoy exploring ourselves and others together rather than apart. So we kind of know what we are looking for. We just are having a hard time finding our tribe. Any thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks!:D
 
Hi,

We are long time lurkers here and need the experience of the group to illuminate the path a little more for us.
We are a poly couple that are looking for another poly couple to learn to have closer relations with. We have tried through Craigslist posting in misc. romance with mixed success. We know there are more people like us in our area. We have found the old poly enigma of meeting a couple where one member is super and the other not so super. We have been in a long-term triad that happened on its own. We have met others separately and found that we enjoy exploring ourselves and others together rather than apart. So we kind of know what we are looking for. We just are having a hard time finding our tribe. Any thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks!:D

This is a very common question with unfortunately very few good answers.

OKCupid.com
Meetup.com
Craigslist.com
Google.com poly+your city = to find groups or forums.

Good luck.
 
Also be aware that just because they're other poly people in your area does not mean they are wanting to date as a couple like you want to. Wanting to do it that way will shorten your dating pool (when A and B only want to date as a couple and they find C and D who are the same what happens if A, B, and D all get along but C realizes they aren't wanting a relationship with A or B?)
 
Also be aware that just because they're other poly people in your area does not mean they are wanting to date as a couple like you want to.

Or that you'll find each other attractive, interesting, remotely tolerable, etc.
 
Hi,

We are long time lurkers here...We just are having a hard time finding our tribe. Any thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks!:D


If you 2 are long time lurkers here, first of all, you haven't noticed the staff frowns on couples sharing a profile.

Secondly, if you've read here a lot, you'd have seen how seldom triads, much less quads, work out long term.

In a quad, A has to love B, C, and D (nearly) equally.

B has to love A, C and D.

C has to love A, B and D.

D has to love A, B and C.

Everyone has to be in the mood to hang out with 3 others simultaneously.

Everyone has to be in the mood to fuck 3 others simultaneously.

All your kids have to be babysat.

Everyone has to be healthy enough physically, to hang out and fuck 3 others simultaneously.

If one person isn't mentally, emotionally or physically ready to hang out/fuck, what do you do? If one kid is sick and can't be left with a sitter, does one partner get to stay home and watch the kid while the other gets to go play?

What if one person of the quad has to work overtime? Does the less busy partner not get to see the other 2 lovers until overtime is over?
 
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Aren't all of those scenarios you mentioned something that the quad would have to work out for themselves based on their individual needs and wants?

I guess what I am trying to ask is, what is the difference between defining boundaries and expectations between 4 people and 2 other than two more personalities to consider. I just believe that everyone needs different things and so long as those are for the most part met or worked out, what difference does quantity make?

I have read here that people have outside relationships (I.e. secondary). Does that mean that you would be less concerned about their well being simply because they are secondary? I just have a hard time understanding because I envision in my head a relationship where everyone has equal say and the same satisfaction and happiness in it.

I suppose being new to this that I may be being naive, but that is why I am asking the questions.

So flame on I guess. Educate me.
 
Y'all know what you want and that is not a bad thing. And you've been out and about and so know that what you want is difficult to find and hard to sustain.

So my suggestion is to stop looking. Not give up but stop looking actively. Instead live your life, meet people, make friends, be social and engaged - in your local poly community and without.

The triads and quads I know that have lasted did so be in part because they often grew organically. Friends fell in love. So many people start their relationship story by 'I stopped looking' and then met so and so.

Live your life, meet people, don't become an isolated couple, explore your interests. You may meet someone(s) who clicks with both of you.

Or you may not. No one is guaranteed anything. It's ok to be frustrated. But avoid entitlement. I am not saying you were being entitled - just that some couples seem to expect 'their' third or other couple to appear shortly after they decide to try poly. This is really unattractive, and also a sign to me if unexamined couple's privilege. It's ok to want everyone to interact all together all the time. And as you know your pool is limited. Some won't do poly. Some won't date couples. Some prefer not to date both people in a couple (like me - way too complicated!). And expecting everyone to be into everyone else all at the same time adds a later of expectations which adds difficulty.

So let go of looking and see what happens in your lives. You may be surprised.
 
Best Successes.

My best successes come from non-attachment. Not being attached to any particular outcome, and being unattached to having exterior relationships, period. I still do answer ads, and put ads up from time to time, but I'm almost indifferent as to whether people take my bait, or write me back. I don't really focus on it too much; it's a part of my life, for sure, but can easily take on too much space if I allow it to. I'm often surprised at how many do end up writing me back or replying to my ads, and I email and txt to see if there's anything there - if so, meeting, yes, but still, not really concerning myself too much as to whether it leads to anything more.

Poly for me is so complex that there has to be a lot that falls into place for everything to work effortlessly and willing it to happen hasn't worked for me thus far. By having less attachment to the types of relationship configurations, by letting go of my ideals of how things ought to look for everyone to be happy, we're finding better and more fun relationships that we've ever had before. It's kind of bizarre, honestly... there is a lot of wisdom in saying, Let Go..... great things happen when you're just toodling along doing your thing.

We have a couple lovely lovers right now, and what did we do this weekend? Worked in the garden... and sent pics to our lovers! My previous self would have put the garden to the side and gone for sexy dates..... LOL. Or been on the computer looking for a lover instead of gardening. Now I think about the potential of serving a homegrown salad to a lover from our garden that we pick together... some months down the road... LOL. That makes me grin!
 
Hi,
We have found the old poly enigma of meeting a couple where one member is super and the other not so super. We have been in a long-term triad that happened on its own. We have met others separately and found that we enjoy exploring ourselves and others together rather than apart. So we kind of know what we are looking for. We just are having a hard time finding our tribe. Any thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks!:D


The problem is not that you know what you want. It's like anything else you see. If you are going to put more and more filters on your search you are narrowing your search down, which is awesome! It also means there are less and less options popping up.

You stated right there what the problem is. You meet couples and you just don't like one half as much as the other half. Well if you have to like them equally and them like you equally, it's going to be difficult. What happens when you meet a couple that you BOTH think is awesome? Both people? What happens when they size you up and go, meh. Or like one of you more than the other?

People are not upset or bristling at the idea of a quad, it's the structure needed. You want it out of the gate. Most people who end up in successful triads or quads END UP in them. They understand that asking four people to equally like then love each other is actually way too much math. You have run into couples already but it sounds like you gave up because you just didnt' like one as much as the other. Giving it some time might be helpful, getting to know them even the person that you aren't immediately attracted to. It's also a little presumptious to assume that because you two work together another couple will be wanting what you want or have. Again, the fact that one half of another couple wasn't 'good enough' for you is only half the problem. Who says both of you will be 'good enough' for another couple?

TL;DR Try being a little more flexible in getting to know people, the people IN the couple, instead of looking for THE couple that will be perfect for you out the gate and think you two are perfect for them.
 
It is possible that the couples you met are going around posting stuff like this about you on message boards.
 
I guess what I am trying to ask is, what is the difference between defining boundaries and expectations between 4 people and 2 other than two more personalities to consider. I just believe that everyone needs different things and so long as those are for the most part met or worked out, what difference does quantity make?
The main problem occurs when the boundaries and expectations are set before there is anyone to discuss them with. You're more likely to build a successful relationship (of however many people there may be involved) if you meet them as people and get to know them rather than saying "Here are my boundaries and expectations. Fit into them or GTFO." Going in with an idea of what you'd like in mind is fine, but getting bent out of shape* when you have trouble finding someone to fit into the particular relationship-shaped hole you've made doesn't help anyone.

I have read here that people have outside relationships (I.e. secondary). Does that mean that you would be less concerned about their well being simply because they are secondary? I just have a hard time understanding because I envision in my head a relationship where everyone has equal say and the same satisfaction and happiness in it.
Some people would use that terminology for that type of relationship, some would use different words to mean the same thing and some use the same words for different things. It's always a good idea to make sure that you understand what the person you're talking to actually means rather than assuming that your definitions match.

* I'm not trying to imply that anyone in this thread is bent out of shape, but it does seem to be a common reaction.
 
Outside relationships? Outside of what???

Outside of space! Of Time!



It's time I came clean. I'm dating a Time Lord. It's complicated but damn does he make a good mug of tea!

:)
 
You just made me spit my coffee all over the place.

What I meant was independent of the relationship already established, although yours would be a much more interesting option I think.
 
I totally got what you meant, the problem is with what it comes across as. I'm sure you meant it innocently enough but it can come across as somewhat insulting to others.

For example:

I'm married and have a boyfriend. I could say that my boyfriend is an additional relationship. Well all relationships are 'additional' to the ones we already have. However, saying he's my additional partner makes him sound like that freebie sample size package you get when you buy your favorite scented cleaner. He's an extra, just added on. It sort of demeans him.

While you'll find plenty of people here that have spouses and non spouses, couples that have a primary/anchored/established relationship, most learn at some point that it's a matter of changing your thinking.

My boyfriend is not an ADDITION, to anything. He's a person in his own right. Our relationship is our relationship, not an add on, a bonus package. Thinking of my relationship with him in terms that come back to my marriage is a tad rude. I don't think of my husband as an addition to my boyfriend!

It's the idea that your established relationship is THE relationship and everything else must fall in line to that. No one wants to feel that way. NYC will often chime in because, IMHO, she is one of those people here that is NOT in an established relationship that then decided to be poly. She's what some refer to as 'single poly'. So is often the one people think of as 'an addition' so yeah, when you get the brunt of that kind of thinking it kind of irks you. She's not an addition, no one should be. It should be a relationship, on it's own. Not an extra or discount to an existing product.

I really hope I'm making sense here. No one means to be so 'anti couple' here, but it happens and it's frustrating, but it's also understandable. Many couples come to poly and for a sense of safety, they use the whole couple hood as a safety net. That everything else is AN ADDITION to their couple. I get it, but it's still insulting to others. Honestly, hubby and I have never tried dating as a couple, we don't search out a third or a quad. If it happens fine, but we are individuals and date as such. Metamours might never even meet, there is no besties, there is no need. BF is not dating hubby, he's dating ME. Sure he and hubby have jokes and talk through me, they have now met, and BF is part of my life so gets to hear about the kids and work and all that mundane stuffs, but he's not an ADDITION to our family, our marriage.


PS The comment was for NYC and others that were shaking their head at the ADDITION stuff and hoping to lighten things for those that might be frustrated by it. It's not a bad thing, I dont think anyway, but it's just something people don't think about until someone points it out.
 
I meant no offense by my post. I also did not mean to offend by my lack of knowledge of acceptable terminology. I respect any dynamic and I think you are entitled to it, more power to you and all that fun stuff.

What I meant to say was, if we are truly tolerant and understanding people, why would any dynamic be out of bounds or off putting. I don't think that my way of thinking is the only way and I sure don't think that only one person here has all the answers, thus the forum and multiple members.

I was merely trying to understand why this way of being poly is unreasonable to some and why it seems so out of reach. I enjoy the company of my wife, and I enjoy the company of other people, excluding one or the other seems contradictory to my happiness, and possibly the happiness of those around me.

I am thankful to any and all of you who have weighed in with an opinion, and it has helped me realize that yes all manners and forms of relationships are good so long as they work for you. I don't really feel anyone owes me or my spouse anything, just as I don't owe them anything either except my honesty.

Once again if I offended, that wasn't my intention. I am new to this and I am just trying to understand how a majority of the dynamics work and then trying to adjust my expectations accordingly. It's not pleasant to think you're getting pie and then you get ice cream instead.

Oh and to the OP, I am so sorry, I in no way or form meant to hijack your post, and I hope you find exactly what you are looking for.
 
Well think of it this way. When monogamous people start dating they look for someone that interests them that is interested in them and take it from there. Why is it so different being poly?

Would YOU date a person who told you up front, "Hey I'm only looking to date you, no matter how awesome you may be, if you come in a package deal with someone equally awesome to me." ?

I'm assuming when the couple who is looking for a couple first started dating there wasn't the rule, "Hey you're cool I'd totally date you but I don't like your friend so if you have another friend I like THEN I'll date you." It's all about realistic and unrealistic expectations. Also, learning how what you want may sound to the person you are trying to reach. It does no good to look for a couple you may be interested in if that perfect couple are immediately turned off by the prospect that not only do they have to have chemistry with two people but they must ensure that their partner has equal chemistry. Personally, I don't feel like being responsible for my hubby's or bf's chemistry with other people. That's kind of their deal.
 
would YOU date a person who told you up front, "Hey I'm only looking to date you, no matter how awesome you may be, if you come in a package deal with someone equally awesome to me."

I have a hard time envisioning saying anything like that to anyone, mainly because i've never dated someone I wasn't already friends with. So if this were me, meeting a couple for the first time, my only intention on the table would be friendship. If we can't be friends first, I don't see romance coming from it, so talking about it would be rather cart-before-the-horse. If friends went well, and connections looked good, we could knock on that door; if connections weren't looking promising, then we've got new friends, and that awkward scenario above never had to happen. There's no need to be hurtful or rejecting in the face of getting to know someone.
 
Which is fine, the question posed by the OP was about finding a couple specifically to date and when they don't right away like both members of the couple, they seem to give up. Looking for a couple that they both like equally and likes them equally. Taking it slow and getting to know people is the best way. hence the advice to actually get to know someone rather than just dismiss people off hand because they don't feel an automatic and equal connection to two separate people that just happen to be together as well.
 
Which is fine, the question posed by the OP was about finding a couple specifically to date and when they don't right away like both members of the couple, they seem to give up.

. . .and my ADD let me completely forget the OP's question >.< My bad!
 
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