Polyamory and me?

StreetRacer

New member
hey guys, i already made a thread in the intro section
but I wanted to post this here, because I wanted to see what you guys think about it

so feedback if ya got any

im Ryan, I'm 22
ive been going through a lot of life changes lately, which had caused a lot of thinking. my sexuality being one of them, and i guess the conclusion i came to as of last night is that,
im a polyamorous homogenderal
that probably doesn't make much sense lol, and that'z cuz i came up with it
first the homogenderal,
after being in a few relationships with both men and women there were things in each which i found seem to stick out... and i guess this is my attraction to the male "gender". by gender, I don't mean biological sex, but the male gender role, as in MASCULINITY. and i mean strictly. For example, I would much rather date a tom-boy girl than a fem twink. I have no problem with fem people, that's just not what I am personally attracted to. So that is why I consider myself homogenderal and not homosexual. I'd love feedback to that if you have some.
After being in a few long-term monogamous relationships, I also noticed something else missing, and this is really what has got me thinking lately.
I realized that my fantasy, and by fantasy I mean sexual and non-sexual, I see myself in a polyamorous relationship, I had never really taken this seriously until recently, when I have began to think that I am polyamorous, in that I desire to be in a relationship with multiple people.
Now as I understand, there are different types of polyamory. I think my case might be unusual, but considering I am here maybe not (which is why I am here to get a feel for what polyamory is like). But when I say I fantasize about a polyamorous relationship, I don't mean having one partner, and then another, and being able to choose which I want whenever, but more in that I want the 3+ of us in an equal relationship, as in no two being more exclusive. I know there are many polyamorous relationships like this, but from my personal experiences, most polyamorous relationships I see deal with a couple that has already been dating many years, take on a third person. Also many times, while it seems to work sexually for a small time, that the third can cause issues, by sometimes feeling like he has come in between.
So I guess I'm seeking feedback on my idea of my polyamory. Ideally, I would like a relationship of 4 people, even three guys and one girl. Almost like a family, but like in a sexual way... which sounds REALLY weird to me! so I was hoping to try and find a place to talk about this where it seems more normal.
ANYWAYSSS
sorry for typing a novel
 
Not weird...just unique...as are we all.

... my attraction to the male "gender". by gender, I don't mean biological sex, but the male gender role, as in MASCULINITY. and i mean strictly. For example, I would much rather date a tom-boy girl than a fem twink. I have no problem with fem people, that's just not what I am personally attracted to. So that is why I consider myself homogenderal and not homosexual.

I don't know how common it is, or whether there is a word for it (until you invented one :D) ..but hey whatever floats your, um,.. "boat"! I'm attracted to feminine women and masculine men (I identify as bisexual rather than pansexual for this reason)...others are attracted to androgyny in either sex. Some lesbians may be attracted to masculine or feminine women or both. etc. etc. You've noticed a pattern about your attractions...and now you know yourself that much better (until, Whoops!, someone comes along that you didn't expect ... oh, well, you don't have stay in the "boat" ALL of the time - sometimes it's nice to go swimming!:eek:)

I realized that my fantasy, and by fantasy I mean sexual and non-sexual, I see myself in a polyamorous relationship...I have began to think that I am polyamorous, in that I desire to be in a relationship with multiple people.

Yes, sexual AND non-sexual - not just sex but relationships with multiple people. Relationships are not all about sex but I think the sex part gets talked about a fair amount because that is where a lot of people (and society have hang ups). When you are building your "castles in the air" you are looking at what you want out of the whole of your life - not just what is happening in the "royal bedchambers".

Now as I understand, there are different types of polyamory.

That, my friend, is an understatement...there are as many different types of polyamory as there are people doing it.


I think my case might be unusual, but considering I am here maybe not (which is why I am here to get a feel for what polyamory is like). But when I say I fantasize about a polyamorous relationship...in that I want the 3+ of us in an equal relationship, as in no two being more exclusive. I know there are many polyamorous relationships like this, but from my personal experiences, most polyamorous relationships I see deal with a couple that has already been dating many years, take on a third person. Also many times, while it seems to work sexually for a small time, that the third can cause issues, by sometimes feeling like he has come in between.

Yes, you will find lots of references to Unicorns and Unicorn Hunters on this site. Something to keep in mind, however, is that even if 3 people met at the exact same time and hit it off great, that doesn't necessarily mean that all of the relationships (A+B, B+C, A+C, A+B+C) would grow or evolve at the same rate or to the same degree. So at any point in time 1 of them could be the "third" causing issues for the other 2. Focusing on the journey (finding like-minded people and relating to them in whatever way feels right) rather that then goal (a specific relationship configuration) may reduce disappointment when things don't turn out exactly as you had planned (when do they ever? ;)

Enjoy your journey!
JaneQ
 
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wow JaneQ thank you for the response! :)
and i see what you mean about meeting and growing at the same time


I see your relationship in your sig, it seems really interesting
could you possibly tell me more about it, or do you have a thread
this is all new to me... and what is a unicorn hunter?? lol
thanks!
 
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wow JaneQ thank you for the response! :)
and i see what you mean about meeting and growing at the same time

You're welcome and I'm happy for any insight I provided!


I see your relationship in your sig, it seems really interesting could you possibly tell me more about it, or do you have a thread
this is all new to me... and what is a unicorn hunter?? lol
thanks!

Easier question first - unicorn hunters (as I have seen it used on this site) are couples like in your post: "a couple that has already been dating many years, [who want to] take on a third person" - they are searching for a "mythical creature" (the unicorn) - the polyamorous bisexual single woman who will love them both equally (and ideally exclusively?) and "complete" their idealized triad. (If you go to "Search" and then "Tag Search" and click on "unicorn hunting" you can see other threads on this topic). What frequently comes up in conversation is the point that I made in my posts to you - that not all relationships grow/develop along the same trajectory.

As to my relationship(s)...my blog hasn't caught up with my life so there are only bits and pieces scattered around, and it's a fairly long story (or I am long-winded...:))

To summarize...I am bi and poly and from the beginning of my relationship with MrS I was completely free to pursue relationships with women in whatever way I saw fit. For 19 years this worked out fine and then he brought home Dude (who he had been friends with for several years before I met him) and he was hanging out with us several nights a week. Stuff happened...turmoil ensued...boundaries were renegotiated...other stuff happened...AND...Dude somehow never left to go home. Now I live with my husband and my boyfriend (who are best friends)...perhaps for "Happily Ever After" :p (you do believe in fairy tales, don't you?) but certainly for "Happily Right Now" ;). And I never saw it coming...:D

PS. I'd be happy to answer any specific questions you have but didn't know exactly where your interest was - so gave a broad answer.

PostPS. Most people would NOT recommend moving your OSO ("Other Significant Other") into the house right from the beginning - but instead giving the relationship the time to solidify and get through the throes of NRE ("New Relationship Energy") before trying cohabitation. We been lucky (so far) - probably because MrS and Dude were already friends and Dude was already a fixture in our lives - just moved from sleeping on the couch to sleeping in the bed.
 
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but wait... so MrS is bi or ?

No, MrS and Dude are both straight - I get LOTS of attention (from each separately and, occasionally, both together...:p). When we are all sleeping in the bed (some people do use beds for this purpose as well ;)) ...then I get the middle - very cozy with snuggles from both sides.
 
As you just touched on the variety, in my case there has been the couple who opened up to a third and moved every relationship to the same level kind of immediately. And moved the new person in as well. This worked great for us, even though the men aren't sexually involved with each other. You can have what you dream of, it may just take unexpected bumps in the road to get there. So be open for whatever comes your way :) Good luck and welcome.
 
I think you are unique on identifying as 'genderal' but I think many bi-friendly people go through stages, where they are more into a masculine side, regardless of sex, or more into a feminine quality regardless of sex. I`d say most people ebb and flow with it,..So you have taken the proverbial bull by the horns, and now have an identity with it. :)

Interesting subject, and welcome to the board.
 
Not to Hijack the thread but I have always wondered your story since I first read your signature, Jane.

Welcome to the board street racer.
 
thanks for the welcomes and feedback! :)
the glossary def helped lol
... are unicorns necessarily female??
btw saw the unicorn flow chart, that was hilarious!
while im not into bdsm, i do seem to take the more submissive role i think
 
I am not finding anything particularly weird about your first post. Then again I fully believe that "different" is the new norm. Peoples desire and understanding of themselves changes throughout life. This is where you are at now, it might or might not change.

I know a few men that like men and butchy women. The men I dated tended to be like that for a time as I was lesbian identified for ten years and enjoyed being butchy. Now I'm dominant and more feminine, although I can go butch on your ass at the drop of a hat! ;) lol. I am tending towards more masculine men as I get older. Its all very interesting to experience the eb and flow.

I don't know where you live, but in my life there are all sorts of wierdos. I suggest going to find some. It doesn't seem as weird after awhile. In fact, "regular" people seem weird to me now.
 
I am not finding anything particularly weird about your first post. Then again I fully believe that "different" is the new norm. Peoples desire and understanding of themselves changes throughout life. This is where you are at now, it might or might not change.

I know a few men that like men and butchy women. The men I dated tended to be like that for a time as I was lesbian identified for ten years and enjoyed being butchy. Now I'm dominant and more feminine, although I can go butch on your ass at the drop of a hat! ;) lol. I am tending towards more masculine men as I get older. Its all very interesting to experience the eb and flow.

I don't know where you live, but in my life there are all sorts of wierdos. I suggest going to find some. It doesn't seem as weird after awhile. In fact, "regular" people seem weird to me now.

thanks RP
this post made me feel a lil better :)
im interested to read your blog!
 
multiple partners

sounds like an interesting dilemma. I find having more than 1 sexual partner (and bringing them together for threesomes and so on) a very good enhancer to my life. It keeps me on my toes, it keeps me stimulated and things are always fairly wild and fun, so i would definitely encourage everyone to forget the 'norms' of societ and do what feels right! Maybe having one partner is not for everyone. I don't believe 'monogomy' is actually a real natural state, i think its a by product of social conventions. In terms of evolution, don't you think it makes sense, for survival of the fittest, if offsprings are created from as many different type of DNA structures as possible, which means a continuous strive for optimal gene combinations.

I know i'm beating off the track a bit here.. but in short... just have fun! do what you want do, what feels right, what doesn't hurt others (keep honest relationships).. and you will find a life of plenty!

Lin x
 
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I don't believe 'monogomy' is actually a real natural state, i think its a by product of social conventions. In terms of evolution, don't you think it makes sense, for survival of the fittest, if offsprings are created from as many different type of DNA structures as possible, which means a continuous strive for optimal gene combinations.
I think we have kinda proven over and over again on this forum that this is just not the case. Have a look in the search engine for "mono/poly" and you will see that people are actually monogamous :eek: ;)

It might not work for you, and yes, in part it is a by-product of social conventions, but it works for others. I think the key to it all is to believe in diversity. Difference is the new norm... that means all differences, mainstream ones also. I think that when people say that monogamy is socially constructed that they are actually being as close minded as those that say poly people just want sex or that bisexuals are sitting on the fence. It feels good to say such things and puff ourselves up (I have been there too), but really, its not truthful as far as I can see.

I would argue that serial monogamy is the norm really. Cheating too. This is what I have seen in my years being a non-monogamy relationship geek. :rolleyes:

p.s. lindalen1111 I just sent you a PM :) please check it.
 
I think we have kinda proven over and over again on this forum that this is just not the case. Have a look in the search engine for "mono/poly" and you will see that people are actually monogamous :eek: ;)

It might not work for you, and yes, in part it is a by-product of social conventions, but it works for others. I think the key to it all is to believe in diversity. Difference is the new norm... that means all differences, mainstream ones also. I think that when people say that monogamy is socially constructed that they are actually being as close minded as those that say poly people just want sex or that bisexuals are sitting on the fence. It feels good to say such things and puff ourselves up (I have been there too), but really, its not truthful as far as I can see.

Every time someone here voices the idea that monogamy might not be natural behavior for humans, they are quickly silenced and scolded for being close-minded.

That's certainly not the same as "proving over and over again" that monogamy is a natural state.

The reason this keeps coming up again and again is that it's NOT a closed issue.

Of course monogamy works for some people. And lots of people identify as mono and/or practice monogamy by either choice or orientation or both. Nothing wrong with that.

But there is plenty of evidence that humans (both male and female) evolved with a need for sexual variety (and with a need to bond emotionally over sex too). To make this observation does not mean one is being close-minded about mono people!

Serial monogamy and cheating occur because lifetime monogamy is extremely difficult for many (possibly most) humans.

That doesn't mean everyone should be poly. But it does mean there's a lot more to it than a mono/poly dichotomy.

And it does mean there is something seriously warped about society's (current mainstream American society, in my case) expectations for monogamy. I am not saying this out of unhealthy resentment or to "puff myself up" as a poly-ish person. This is an issue that is genuinely important to me.

On the other hand, whether monogamy is a natural state or not isn't at all relevant to how people want or choose or need to live their lives. It's not natural for humans to live in permanent houses and eat processed foods either--but I am happy doing both those things.
 
...But there is plenty of evidence that humans (both male and female) evolved with a need for sexual variety (and with a need to bond emotionally over sex too). To make this observation does not mean one is being close-minded about mono people!

Whatever evidence we have on evolution, I believe that what RP is referring to is the fact that *some people identify as monogamous in real life*. Right now. And they live it, whether it's hard or not. The statement that "monogamy isn't actually a natural state" is either incorrect, or stating that these people are identifying incorrectly, or stating that they are unnatural. It would probably be more correct to say, "I believe that monogamy is not natural for most people".

Furthermore, saying "monogamy isn't natural" sounds an *awful* lot like the prejudiced statements issued over the last few centuries about minority groups. Wasn't Victorian sentiment that it wasn't natural for women to spend time on intellectual matters? I don't care what evidence you have or what your opinion is, no one rule is 100% true for 100% of the population, and what *I* choose to do with my life, as long as it harms none, is *natural for me*, and the same goes for you.


...On the other hand, whether monogamy is a natural state or not isn't at all relevant to how people want or choose or need to live their lives. It's not natural for humans to live in permanent houses and eat processed foods either--but I am happy doing both those things.

Agreed. And quoted for repeated emphasis.
 
I believe that what RP is referring to is the fact that *some people identify as monogamous in real life*. Right now.
We have seen it here have we not. I am not making this shit up.... read the threads on it and see. How can one argue that monogamy doesn't exist when they read what monogamous people have written here about their journey in polyamory. How is it scolding, silencing, and accusing someone of being closed minded to point out that when you do a tag search on "mono/poly" you can read for your self that monogamy exists?

Every time someone here voices the idea that monogamy might not be natural behavior for humans, they are quickly silenced and scolded for being close-minded.

Quite frankly I see this quote as scolding, silencing and closed minded actually. :p

now that that is said and done...

Monogamy means different things to different people. Mainstream monogamy right now in history is flawed in my opinion. I don't believe that EVERY monogamous person follows the mainstream though. Monogamy doesn't mean ownership or the set of rules that we have been handed. It simply means loving one person at a time. Everything else can be created to suit those in the relationship, just as poly people do when creating relationships, only they love more than one.

Healthy relationships is all that really matters to me and I believe that healthy monogamous relationships can exist without ownership issues and with just as much freedom. freedom in commitment sometimes. To me is comes down to a way of doing relationships, not how many one is having them with. Its just not a poly or mono issue to me... monogamous mainstream politics is a whole other thing and I think it gets confused with the basics of some peoples relationship theory.
 
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