Coming out

This response is about how I would want to be treated and is based on how I treated people during my short lived online exploration.

It depends on the expectations of who you are talking to. If you are searching online, people generally include what they want in thier profiles. If they are specifically looking for a deep relationship and are looking to invest in you than I would tell them right away. That way there is no big surprise two weeks down the road after a connection has formed online or in person. I would consider holding this type of information back as a passive form of deciet designed to "trap" me because I am now emotionally involved and if I chose to walk away it would be more difficult.

I was very clear in my POF profile..."I barely want to know your name..I just want sex". Black and white. Those that contacted me understood 100% what I was looking for and I only got serious responses.

If you are completely upfront, you might not get as much activity but those that are curious and interested will be genuine at least in theory.

Now if soemone is just looking to hook up for casual sex then the importance of telling them becomes more a function of your expectations then theirs.

This is just how I would want to be treated again...not necassarily what you should do.

Take care :)
Mono
 
We have talked about this question before. If I were on a computer and not on my phone I would look for you...

In a nut shell I believe the consensus has been to be up front about everything from day one. Why ask for honesty, openness and good communication if you are not willing to offer the same.

Personally I would be hurt and angry if I didn't know from first contact pertinent information such as that.
 
Ha Ha Ha!!! I'm confused about this same thing but I'm more worried about what family and friends will say than my boss. Seems how my boss in my bf. LOL Though the crappy thing about that is it puts a whole level of secrecy to our relationship as we are crossing all kinds of professional boundries.
 
This is something I thought of instantly when my hubs and I first started discussing poly and if it was for us.

I don't think I'd tell my parents but most of the folks I'm friends with would be receptive to it and not hassle me which is nice.
 
Indigo and I have an agreement that his parents need to know when we both have SO for a while ... We live in a small city and I know his mother would totally go all Momma Bear on my ass if she thought I was cheating! :eek:
 
Coming out and inviting unwanted advances

Hi all!

So my potential partner and I were discussing "coming out" to people. We would both very much like to meet each others' families, but he and his wife are pretty certain that their 9 year old will pick up the vibe between us.

They describe her as "astute" and they live in a very small community with a history of unkindness toward those who are "different" (grr), so they would be afraid she would say something and it would have ramifications for them socially and professionally.

He's away this week visiting with a long-time friend and I joked with him that he could tell him that I said "hi". Long story short, he's pretty sure that his friend is attracted to, maybe in love with, his wife, and thus his hesitance to tell him. She is not attracted to him, and he's afraid of creating a rift.

I have never heard this discussed, but I'm sure there are others who have experience with this. How do you "come out", without making it seem like an invitation if it's not one?

Thanks in advance,
 
do some searching on here for "coming out" tagged threads, there are some good threads that discuss this at length...

Its not easy for some and should be done at a good time. I would not suggest when one is in NRE over poly or someone they are just recently dating. Why deal with others stuff when you can have fun and get to know everything and everyone first. There is nothing like washing out the passion of NRE than an irate mother et al. Take your time and come out if you need to... that would be my suggestion
 
Hi all!

He's away this week visiting with a long-time friend and I joked with him that he could tell him that I said "hi". Long story short, he's pretty sure that his friend is attracted to, maybe in love with, his wife, and thus his hesitance to tell him. She is not attracted to him, and he's afraid of creating a rift.

I have never heard this discussed, but I'm sure there are others who have experience with this. How do you "come out", without making it seem like an invitation if it's not one?

Thanks in advance,

How do you do it when you are single? Screw poly, or take it out of the picture. How do people deal with people who they aren't interested in romantically/sexually that are interested in you?...

For me it was just a straight up "sorry I am not interested"...if I care or like the person I might give a reason, if it is someone who I am simply acquainted with, I don't feel the need explain.

However, I don't assume the other person is interested. Come out, if there are advances, you have to deal with them as they come. Don't assume someone is interested sexual in another person, it can get embarrassing :)
 
This really wouldn't apply to me, as I'm not in ANY relationship, let alone a poly one;0)

However, if I were, I'd just let the people know who I loved and trusted. That's all, pretty much.
I don't think people in my professional circle need to know (I work in health care).
 
We haven't yet decided whether we'll be 'out' or not. If we do decide to be out our families will not be told, in fact only a small circle of our friends will know. I am not intending to let work colleagues know, even if I am close to them.

I'm a very private person anyway, but I view my personal life as just that - personal. However much I'd love to be able to be open with everyone the risks of being judged, gossiped about etc. are too high for me to tell everyone. Plus professionally, being open about polyamory could affect my career. I work in education and professional boundaries have to be very clear.
 
Funny enough, we are "out" to our own kids. (18 and 13) yet don't really mention anything around our OSO's kids. :rolleyes: This is out of respect for our OSO's. They don't wish to open up to their kids, yet all their neighbors know about the four of us. ??? Funny how that works isn't it? LOL So we are KINDA open in THEIR circles, but in our own, we are almost COMPLETELY open. Havent told any of our parents yet....No idea if we ever will either.

It'll be kinda weird when L and I renew our vows for our 20th anniversary (which is Jan 16 2011). We are doing this on July 16th 2011. I am asking S to be my best man, and L is asking D to be her maid of honor (is that the right term?) Anyway, we are doing our own vows this time around, and I'm pretty sure that we are going to try to keep anything about "forsake all others" and/or "only each other" and/or "monogamously" out of them. LOL We will likley not be including S &D in our vows....Unless something changes drastically between now and then. (This is possible, but not likely ;) )
 
Telling family & friends

I'm just wondering what other peoples experiences have been of "coming out" to famillies etc about unconventional relationships.

My two partners and I have been together for probably about 18 months now. As time goes on though its becoming more and more difficult to be "a couple & their best friend who lives with them" which is how we've engineered things for our families until now.

All three of us have started to experience some uncomfortable questions about the closeness of our 'friendship'. For example, "Oh, G***'s bed always look perfect, almost as if its not been slept in" lol. Its got to the extent now that two of us now have been told by family members that something might be going on behind the others back!! (we struggled not to giggle at that one! lol)

All three of us are out to our famillies as being gay which has never been an issue, and we dont want to lie to them really but we just dont know whether its wise to come clean about our triple relationship or not. Have other people in threesome relationships "come out" to family??
 
I'm just wondering what other peoples experiences have been of "coming out" to famillies etc about unconventional relationships.

My two partners and I have been together for probably about 18 months now. As time goes on though its becoming more and more difficult to be "a couple & their best friend who lives with them" which is how we've engineered things for our families until now.

All three of us have started to experience some uncomfortable questions about the closeness of our 'friendship'. For example, "Oh, G***'s bed always look perfect, almost as if its not been slept in" lol. Its got to the extent now that two of us now have been told by family members that something might be going on behind the others back!! (we struggled not to giggle at that one! lol)

All three of us are out to our famillies as being gay which has never been an issue, and we dont want to lie to them really but we just dont know whether its wise to come clean about our triple relationship or not. Have other people in threesome relationships "come out" to family??

My wife and I adopted a saying: "Those that matter most, won't care. Those that care, don't matter."

So basically, if they pitch a fit, let them go off and do their own thing. Simply put, don'ty associate with them as much. MOST family and friends, will, however, not be bothered by this. They will most likely see it as another transformation of your already "different" relationship. ;)

When my wife came out to her mom, she though her mom would go berzerk. But in reality, her mom accepted it and said "I thought there was something a little different about you guy's relationship with S & D. Good for you!" :eek:

So don't be afraid of coming out. Embrace it and enjoy it.:eek:
 
I.............. He won't understand or agree with the lifestyle we have. My job won't suffer, but his view towards me could change.

Hey Mellsey,

I'm very much a proponent of complete separation between job/profession and personal life. The two can easily conflict in the vast majority of situations.

And if his 'view' towards you changes, of course your job could suffer ! A good working relationship is just like any other 'good' relationship ! It depends on a certain degree of mutual respect and team play.

I see no reason why you can't just let it go as "normal personal struggles" (we all have them) as far as boss is concerned and if he trys to pry more just explain you don't really feel it's right to share personal stuff with work. He should get the message.

GS
 
My wife's boyfriend has been living with us for over 2 years now. None of our family knows about the relationship, or heck, even that there's anyone else living with us. Since my family is only 2 hours away, I am not sure how the heck we have managed to avoid it, but we have, mostly by doing all the visiting and not asking them to come over.

Honestly I'm mortified of the day when my parents find out something is up. They're quite religious and won't understand at all. I have no desire to alienate my parents so I'm trying to keep it quiet.
 
My wife's boyfriend has been living with us for over 2 years now.

2 years! Congrats :) Sorry to hear about needing to hide things but coming out can be one hell of a storm to ride out...been there and it can take it's toll. Would you consider sharing your experience on the co-habitation thread or in a blog? Sound like your family has a lot of lessons to pass on.

Take care:)
 
It came up in another forum that I am poly.

One other member's reaction? "That's handy. If one dies or leaves you, you've got one left!"

That was shocking. I can't imagine people saying something similar for friends, or siblings, or kids, or any person you can have several of. And what is that supposed to mean, that if one dies I won't be sad because I have someone left? Then if your mom dies should you be okay because you have your dad left?

I got so confused, because that post didn't even read like it was supposed to be aggressive.
 
It came up in another forum that I am poly.

One other member's reaction? "That's handy. If one dies or leaves you, you've got one left!"

That was shocking. I can't imagine people saying something similar for friends, or siblings, or kids, or any person you can have several of. And what is that supposed to mean, that if one dies I won't be sad because I have someone left? Then if your mom dies should you be okay because you have your dad left?

I got so confused, because that post didn't even read like it was supposed to be aggressive.

I will often joke when I'm trying to understand something new or very foreign ... I like to hope I have more sense than this though.

That said, wow ... How very hurtful.

*HUG*
 
Well, so the person I was talking about left the forum and asked to be deleted from it. She said she didn't recognise herself because unlike most people there she wasn't vegetarian, she was in a couple and she was faithful (emphasis mine) and she didn't want people to be able to someday look her up and find her associated with that board, so she asked for all her info to be deleted.

Wow. Way to over-react. I can't help but feel a bit... shaken by that. I mean, I can understand leaving the forum because she couldn't relate to people who were single when she's in a couple, or to people who were vegetarian when she isn't (this being said, most people on that forum are in a couple too, and vegetarians aren't the majority either, so I'm not sure what she's talking about). But the "I don't want my name to be associated with people like that", seriously, I can't imagine it has anything to do with food choices or being single. I'm pretty sure she meant me.

I wouldn't have recognised myself in the "faithful" thing, but nobody on the forums is a cheater (or nobody said they were at least) and it happened so soon after her comment, I can't imagine she meant anyone else.

Of course, she's gone with her account deleted, so I can't even contact her to explain in case she misunderstood. It's... well, it's annoying. I wish she had just left without making a big deal out of it.
 
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