I am so excited!!

jrcx3

New member
So dh and I are wanting to make a triad and we, well I, took out some adds on a few dating sites. I contacted anyone who struck my interest, withered they identified as poly or bi or straight. I contacted people who didn't meet our criteria just to say that I enjoyed their profiles and that I think they are pretty cool people, thanks for being you etc yadda yadda. So we found one woman who met a few basic criteria, contacted her and dh has met her. I will meet her soon and I am so excited, if only to just find and make a friend who shares so many of my interest and my hubby's. I am a little nervous and skeptical because its happening so fast and a bit to 'made for TV' perfect. I can't believe that we met someone so perfect for us, so fast and that she is so receptive to the Triad relationship; not too eager, still very independent and cautious too. If I wasn't looking for a triad this woman and I could become fast friends and same goes for my hubby. I am just in love with the possibilities for the future of our family. I have to get over a few insecurities and fears that revolve around intimacy but I think I am over thinking these things.

I have two friends (women) who I would join to my family in a heartbeat and not bat an eye at the thought of my Dh having sex with them without me. I wouldn't thing twice about him having unprotected sex with them or even telling them he loves them, because I love them so much. They are great friends and I could not imagine my life without them. I know that this is the difference in my feelings of jealousy. I know that Dh would drop this endeavor in a heartbeat if I said I couldn't handle it, he loves me with all his soul. I had to talk him into this so I know that the responsibility is mine and that I am in control of the situation this far.

The excitement of a new relationship is so exhilarating and its such a bonding experience for Dh and I. It has made us communicate so much more and has even livened or intimacy. I love this feeling and I want to keep it going for a while but I also want to start this relationship, its such sweet torture.
 
Okay, I am playing devil's advocate here....

I wouldn't thing twice about him having unprotected sex with them or even telling them he loves them, because I love them so much. They are great friends and I could not imagine my life without them. I know that this is the difference in my feelings of jealousy. I know that Dh would drop this endeavor in a heartbeat if I said I couldn't handle it, he loves me with all his soul.

If Dh were to fall in love with these women, and then you told him you "couldn't handle it", would he still drop them in a heartbeat? Despite his professed love for them? As far as I am concerned, polyamory is a door you can open and step through, but not always return. If my wife told me today, "That's it, I'm done with being poly, let's go back to monogamy", can I really discard the others relationship I have? Is it really that easy? Perhaps for some people it is. I know I would be torn, and feel deeply betrayed.
 
you have a great point and I have thought of this. I would hope that Dh would not fall in love that quickly. I am worried about her feeling that she could be excluded at any moment and I would hope that we are mature enough to work through this and communicate. I want her to feel that she has equal standing in this relationship. I think that we may need to discuss this and I am glad you brought it up so that we may address it. I wonder how receptive they would feel to playing the what if game?

What if she falls in love with me and not him? it could go both ways.
 
I read somewhere, I think it was on this forum, that it is not uncommon for triads to ultimately become a V relationship.

While my girlfriend is my secondary, it is important to understand that the love I have for her isn't. Before me, she had dated other married guys, and had on occasion been left sitting at a restaurant waiting for her date to show up. She has been stood up simply because the guy's wife made lasagna that particular night.

While the dynamics of a relationship may be different and unequal, we should always treat people as equals.
 
i totally agree with you on that and it is a consideration that a V might just happen. We are all new to Poly and both her and I are new to an intimate female/female relationship, but on the other hand we are all 30 something adults who are independent in our own right. My Dh and I have the most to loose in this and we are fully aware of that and will proceed with caution. If a V happens I am sure that it will happen on an intimate level but that the friendship will always be there, this desire for a triad is not solely about sex, that fades with time but the intellectual will last till death.
 
I am a little nervous and skeptical because its happening so fast and a bit to 'made for TV' perfect. I can't believe that we met someone so perfect for us, so fast and that she is so receptive to the Triad relationship; not too eager, still very independent and cautious too. If I wasn't looking for a triad this woman and I could become fast friends and same goes for my hubby. I am just in love with the possibilities for the future of our family. I have to get over a few insecurities and fears that revolve around intimacy but I think I am over thinking these things.

Now I hate to be a voice of reason ;) but WHOA! I am guessing you're gonna suffer a hell of a lot of NRE if you are this giddy already. You haven't even met her yet and you think she's the perfect woman who you will both love and love both of you and she's going to be your best friend and all your dreams will come true? It will be great if this happens and I wish you luck, but I just think you should temper your excitement with some common sense and caution and take a step back. It sounds like a recipe to get your heart broken when you have this much joy and hope invested in a relationship that hasn't even really started.

My Dh and I have the most to loose in this .
Why do you think this? I don't see how she has any less to lose as either of you at either this point or any point in the future.
 
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Also, when you meet people in this manner - advertising for a relationship - you don't know if you're going to get some nut or some swindler; they could be telling you just what they think you want to hear in order to get into your life and make it hell.

I'll rain on your parade any day of the week. I've seen lots of times where a person seems to be one thing and then they turn out to be something entirely else. I don't know you but if you were my BFF I'd be telling you the same thing. I'm not saying don't pursue this. I'm saying get your head out of your ass.
 
wow thanks for the support...i am glad that there are people out there who realize I was born yesterday and have not lived on my own since I was a teen and graduated from the school of "Life has screwed me one too many times". I have nothing to loose in this endeavor. My husband loves me and if someone wants to deceive us to steal him away I pity that person. Dh is amazing at reading people, professionally trained on top of his natural skill. He can spot a deceptive person from a mile away. IF this doesn't work out with this woman than what do we loose? I and my husband may feel a little let down but we both wear big kid pants and can deal with it. I am glad you feel its important to 'rain on my parade' or poop in my post toasties but dang ease up a bit on the new girl.

I see so many unhappy people on this forum, communication is a problem, picking the wrong lovers, having devious people in their lives, etc. This is not the case for us, we are not making this decision based on lusty feelings. We would be swingers if that was the case.

What if we are the evil ones in this situation who want to take advantage of someone? Why do you assume that the 'third' is going to be the bad guy?

Just assume that, for some odd reason I may know what I am doing. I am excited about this and I wanted to share it with people of the community. If you had a bad experience I am sorry for that, but please dont hate on me for being unjaded.
 
Now I hate to be a voice of reason ;) but WHOA! I am guessing you're gonna suffer a hell of a lot of NRE if you are this giddy already. You haven't even met her yet and you think she's the perfect woman who you will both love and love both of you and she's going to be your best friend and all your dreams will come true? It will be great if this happens and I wish you luck, but I just think you should temper your excitement with some common sense and caution and take a step back. It sounds like a recipe to get your heart broken when you have this much joy and hope invested in a relationship that hasn't even really started.

I am excited and I thought that someone here would share my feelings and be able to relate to these feelings. I am a passionate woman and I like to let my feelings run at times, I dont feel its healthy to keep them reined in all the time. I guess I could be ambivalent to this process but why? I would rather be excited.

Why do you think this? I don't see how she has any less to lose as either of you at either this point or any point in the future.

She does have much to loose but we have a family (kids) and if things got ugly we would have our family torn apart. We have 4 people who would be invested in this relationship, she has only herself. But we are all big kids and can deal with this like mature adults.
 
wow thanks for the support...i am glad that there are people out there who realize I was born yesterday and have not lived on my own since I was a teen and graduated from the school of "Life has screwed me one too many times". I have nothing to loose in this endeavor. My husband loves me and if someone wants to deceive us to steal him away I pity that person. Dh is amazing at reading people, professionally trained on top of his natural skill. He can spot a deceptive person from a mile away. IF this doesn't work out with this woman than what do we loose? I and my husband may feel a little let down but we both wear big kid pants and can deal with it. I am glad you feel its important to 'rain on my parade' or poop in my post toasties but dang ease up a bit on the new girl.

I see so many unhappy people on this forum, communication is a problem, picking the wrong lovers, having devious people in their lives, etc. This is not the case for us, we are not making this decision based on lusty feelings. We would be swingers if that was the case.

What if we are the evil ones in this situation who want to take advantage of someone? Why do you assume that the 'third' is going to be the bad guy?

Just assume that, for some odd reason I may know what I am doing. I am excited about this and I wanted to share it with people of the community. If you had a bad experience I am sorry for that, but please dont hate on me for being unjaded.


My message to you was coming from a place of love, not from a place of hate.

It is no secret that I am a pessimist, and I live my life according to what works for me. You are free to believe that I mean harm when I say what I say, but I will point out that you are receiving my message through your own filters and skepticism. I encourage you to transcend that.

Good evening.
 
Fair enough...though you could have stated as such before hand. I know that i can over think, and i have had my panic moments, my doubts, and down right fear. But, I will never know what joys and sorrows will come of this if i dont give it a try. I cannot live my life in fear of what ifs? and I would rather embark on this journey in a positive and excited state than a fearful and negative one.
 
you were probably triggered because i said "get your head out of your ass". When I say that, it's like saying "Yo dude what's up?" Friendly. Like, I don't want to see you with your head up your ass. If you say it to yourself enough times, you'll become desensitized. :cool:

There are plenty of other people here who will fart sunshine and puke rainbows for you, so don't let me get to you.
 
you were probably triggered because i said "get your head out of your ass". When I say that, it's like saying "Yo dude what's up?" Friendly. Like, I don't want to see you with your head up your ass. If you say it to yourself enough times, you'll become desensitized. :cool:

lol I doubt my head could fit..

There are plenty of other people here who will fart sunshine and puke rainbows for you, so don't let me get to you.

no problem, i am not totally offended just a less wind in my sails.
 
I hope you didn't think I meant anything bad. I've never been in a triad, and I don't really know anybody currently who is in anything than a V or other larger letter. I guess I just see anything as being the start of a relationship until the litmus test of meeting and going on a couple of dates happen. I know chemistry can be there online and not in person. It also sounds like (or you didn't say otherwise) you haven't met and tried seeing anybody else yet for a potential triad, so I think your feeling that this is perfect was a bit dangerous. Get three flawed humans in a room and I don't think anybody can really consider any relationship going on in between any of them perfect ;)
 
I see a bit of a red flag with the unprotected sex bit. It's kinda premature it seems and a bit rash... well, a lot rash to me. Bareback sex is more safe with a poly fi situation where everyone has been tested several times over the course of a year and has been seen to be trusted to keep their word.

Just saying. :)

It kinda scares me that you would think of allowing these women access to someone who is fluid bonded with you when you seemingly have NO IDEA where they have been, who they have done and what they have.... I know they are your friends, but even so.... do you really know?

Ya, I think if I were you I would be waiting on the bareback :)
 
I wouldn't thing twice about him having unprotected sex with them or even telling them he loves them, because I love them so much.
This is the strangest sentence I have read here in a long time.
I guess it strange, its an unexplained thought i think...

I see a bit of a red flag with the unprotected sex bit. It's kinda premature it seems and a bit rash... well, a lot rash to me. Bareback sex is more safe with a poly fi situation where everyone has been tested several times over the course of a year and has been seen to be trusted to keep their word. . . . It kinda scares me that you would think of allowing these women access to someone who is fluid bonded with you when you seemingly have NO IDEA where they have been, who they have done and what they have....

Yeah, that's why I commented on it. JRCX3, you didn't seem to understand why I pointed it out. It sounded like you think loving them very much is enough for you to allow sex without condoms. It's not. That's rather a foolish stance, so I hope you just meant that as a way to emphasize how you're feeling, but that you wouldn't actually allow it without testing regularly and building up to that place of complete trust and commitment, and so forth.

The part about not thinking twice is what caught me. You must think twice, three times, and four times or more if you want to be polyamorous! Also, your comment about being okay with him "even telling them he loves them" is a bit weird because that's what poly is about. I don't think anyone should embrace it without being okay with their partner loving others.

I guess we are taking the wind out of your sails, but that's a good thing, and hopefully something you'll forgive us for. Better to have your feet firmly on the ground if you are really going to live polyamorously.
 
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I guess we are taking the wind out of your sails, but that's a good thing, and hopefully something you'll forgive us for. Better to have your feet firmly on the ground if you are really going to live polyamorously.

Well I'm glad it isn't just me who realizes this. people seem to think that being aware of or pointing out potential hazards is some sort of emotional terrorism.
 
I can understand why your excited, especially it all being new and the certain freedom that comes from poly. But I would not ignore the "cynics" in the room because there is a lot of experience in this forum and they speak from a place of wisdom. I'm new here and I can definitely see that.

Polyamory is something you jump into with your eyes wide open, triple thinking everything through before you agree to it. You need to go by more than good vibes, love and "let's try it". You need to extract your emotions and be able to use your head too.
 
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