Today's update. She woke up and told me she had plans to meet T for coffee. I told her to have fun and tell him I said hello.
RC, this is a good sign. It's the healthy type of response I'd expect from a successful relationship. Nycindie is right in suggesting prioritizing your in-town time and have a schedule as helpful, but that will take practice, so chalk it up for the future. You're doing well.
One thing I learned yesterday that I didn't appreciate was that the whole time they were together he was under the impression that I was not aware. When she told him that I knew where she was he kind of freaked out. She told him there can be no lies or deception. I think thats great on her part. I am not thrilled that he was so ready to continue 'behind my back'.
On some level this could be surprising ("he's trying to be sneaky!"), but dial it back just a bit. I'd bet this guy is just as new to this situation as you are. (Yes?) If that's the case, is his surprised (surprise plus emotion = freak out) reaction that surprising?
Consider how things work in the traditional mono world. A man and a woman for a couple. They may only have each other as intimate and sexual outlets. Any violation of that is automatically horrid. So, if a man or a woman are to have outside interactions, then it must be hidden and deceitful because there is no other option.
Now, if that's how his worldview operates, it becomes clear that he very possibly could have been operating under the assumption of deceit because "that's how things are done." This isn't the same as seeking deceit. Thus, his freak out was a combination of feeling caught (how it works under traditional mono) plus finding out that hubby is much more aware that expected (poly-adjustment syndrome). A freak out in this case isn't a big surprise then, and it could indicate that your image of him (challenged in his mind by this revelation) is important to him. In short, he's likely freaking out for similar reasons to your freak outs--it's new and it's not how you've been programmed. Your progress may even serve as an example to him.
As for the wife's role, there are two things. First, I have to point out that her clarity level with him previous seems low. I suspect she's adjusting, too. Therefore I won't wiggle a finger, but I know from my own experience and hesitancies in the past that talking to people and partners about poly life gets easier with practice. I advise that sooner is better than later (though it always is scary when you're admitting to something that could challenge people's traditional views).
Second, and much more important, "no lies or deception"... excellent. There's a reason nycindie says honesty is sexy. Poly life involves levels of honesty that you'll come to find are likely beyond what you imagined. Being honest with each other and especially with yourself is vital. Good on her for articulating.
The other thing I thought I would throw out to this audience since you are so helpful is how I felt yesterday when she and I were intimate. It was a real turn on for me to think that she was with him earlier and then she was with me. It felt 'dirty' but also felt right. Any thoughts on that? Am I nuts?
Of course it felt dirty--society has spent decades telling you it's a bad thing. (I'll spare you a whole thing on patriarchy and controlling female sexuality.) But deconstruct it a bit: your wife is a person who is able to love many people--you, her children, her new guy. She was with him, but then she comes home to you (as a poly with a mono at home, I cannot put in words how important that connection I feels in when coming home). Because you're trying to open your understanding up, she can feel that you're accepting her and desiring her not for the image she's projecting (traditional mono wife) but for the person that she is. Your shared intimacy then served as a concrete example that her care for the new guy doesn't diminish her love for you.
If you are a student of history, there's also many examples of "shared women." Working girls have existed throughout history, Geek temples had women that would service the men, and many tribal cultures have woman sharing elements. The end result is actually quite often a closer bond among the tribe. I'm not surprised you'd feel excitement with your wife because you're starting to really let her be free from traditional bonds, and given her freedom, she returns to her beloved husband with renewed energy. Pretty sexy.
I also asked if she and I could spend some quality time later to just chill. No deep conversations, no stress, no need for xanax (lol). She was open to that so I am hoping we can try and resume a normal life.
RC, you've made a lot of progress. It's impressive how well you managed to hang on when a lot of emotion and decades of programming were getting in your way. I'm glad to hear that you're getting to a place where you can relax and enjoy your new normal. When bumps come up again (they will, it's to be expected), you'll have more experience and results to help you. Me and mine are happy for you and yours.
*hug*