Silence, Music, Mystery and Love. A user's guide to becoming awesome.

Catfish

New member
My grandfather, the most influential man in my youth, was a quiet person. I remember him sitting in his chair, watching TV, smiling. I remember him working in the garden, riding his tractor, driving the entire family to church in his beat up old Suburban... all Silently smiling. I don't remember a single word of wisdom uttered. But the Power if his Silence had an indelible effect on me. He always seemed content.

I bring this up here, in my brand spankin' new blog, to remind myself where I came from. When I see myself shut down when faced with fear and uncertainty, I assume that same Silence, only stripped of the Power. As a man who spent his first decade without a father, I have had to learn much on my own. My childhood went something like this... My mother, my older brother and myself were a poorly oiled machine, solely focused on survival. And survive we did. Like prisoners of war, we held on until the fighting stopped and peace was declared. When I was 12, she married a stand up guy who I now call Dad. From then on, I was raised to be a sensitive, intelligent, caring man. But the damage had already been done. I had unwittingly relegated myself to a perfectly normal life of silent survival.

Then I met Rarechild. And my life changed.

Then RC met Charlie. And my life has changed again.

Charlie is more than a great guy. He's a force of nature. Just like RC. Just like me. He has a great big whole heart. He is obviously a man who was taught by a skilled hand to do much more than simply survive. Next to him, I feel broken.

This situation, this immense tangle of love, is a heavy load. And while my relationship with RC is easily strong enough to bear that weight, my relationship with myself has proved to be less so. The jealousy that I have always felt nearly immune to has made the cracks in my foundation split wide and crumble. And I have been standing here, silently staring at this failing structure, saying "I'm broken. That's so sad. And
now my sadness is affecting the people I love. I'm pushing them away. That's even sadder."

That, my friends, is the fastest way possible to remove yourself from whatever moment you are in.

I could have lived my entire life without ever needing to fill those cracks with fresh mortar, seal it all up and protect it from the harsh weather; choosing instead to live in the house of someone stronger. And that life would have been just fine. I would have lived and loved and carried on... just fine. But this life is much richer. Much more painful and fulfilling. Much more suited to a force of nature.

The revelation here, my fine cohorts, is one of beginning to understand the work one must do to be whole. One must fall apart, repeatedly, and have the strength and support to rebuild, repeatedly.

I have that.

And there is much work to do.

Thanks for reading.
 
Thanks for sharing brother :) I get the falling apart thing. I fought off falling apart for so many years that when it finally happened it wiped away almost everything from my life. I needed help rebuilding but I got there. Now I like to pace my "falling apart" moments to avoid such a great earthquake ever again. It's like a series of small earthquakes as opposed to the "big one".

Thanks again
Take care
Mono
 
Ladies and Gentlemen,

This man deserves your attention.

He is the real deal.

That is all.

Thank you.

Charlie
 
I was just telling Maca that you both impress me,
all three really-but I was specifically talking about you and Charlie.

My grandfather was one of those types, quiet, happy and no one knew why he was happy, but it was because he knew in himself that he did his best.
I know that because just before he died, he told me so. He did his best, and sometimes it wasn't good enough to accomplish whatever needed done, but it was ok, because it was his best effort.

He didn't have to live a life regretting each and every failure (which there were plenty), because he knew he gave life his all.

It sounds to me like you three have a great thing going, specifically the fact that you are all promoting one another becoming the best version of yourselves. That's AWESOME!

So much more envigorating to read about than great sex, is great love.
*to me*
 
You are amazing

My love, I know your growing is painful because I am right here with you no matter what. While it is endearing that you are not aware of how powerful you are, I reject this idea of you not being whole.

I have made my home with you. I have learned love from you. I have become myself again looking into your eyes. I would not build the foundation of my life with you if I did not trust you utterly. You deserve trust, you who trusts in his trusting, loves without effort and without expectation of praise.

You, me and Charlie are all rocked. It's okay, love. You're not alone nor will you ever be. I would like to respond to your perspective with some important realities that you are leaving out. I am your moral compass, after all, please hear me.

As a man who spent his first decade without a father, I have had to learn much on my own. My childhood went something like this... My mother, my older brother and myself were a poorly oiled machine, solely focused on survival. And survive we did. Like prisoners of war, we held on until the fighting stopped and peace was declared. When I was 12, she married a stand up guy who I now call Dad. From then on, I was raised to be a sensitive, intelligent, caring man.

Yes, survive you did, but much more. As I told you and as Charlie and I have discussed, the fact that you were abandoned by your father, and yet made yourself, on your own steam as a child, into a man; I admire you for that. I cannot imagine what it feels like to be left out in the cold like that. My love, come in and get warm, because you have a family gathered around you close that will never stand for anyone putting you down, locking you out, holding you back-not even you and you can count on that.

But the damage had already been done. I had unwittingly relegated myself to a perfectly normal life of silent survival.

You neglect to mention that your "perfectly normal life of silent survival" included writing amazing poetry and slamming your way to the national stage-how many times? Everyone gaga over your shining hair flipping in the spotlight as you made them laugh and cry, and encouraged countless other writers to find their voices and rip a hole in the sky with you. And then there's your music, your songs, your self-mastery of instruments and another conduit to let it fly out into the Universe. The friend, the son, the lover you have been, this and more was all you before I ever stopped in the dark on my way off the stage to exchange compliments shyly with you.

I could have lived my entire life without ever needing to fill those cracks with fresh mortar, seal it all up and protect it from the harsh weather; choosing instead to live in the house of someone stronger. And that life would have been just fine. I would have lived and loved and carried on... just fine.

I call bullshit. I don't believe it. I know you too well. I think your metaphor is beautiful, but you have only been shown this perspective as a contrast to what is meant for us so you can be more fully grateful.

The revelation here, my fine cohorts, is one of beginning to understand the work one must do to be whole. One must fall apart, repeatedly, and have the strength and support to rebuild, repeatedly.

"God continues to break the heart until it remains open."-Rumi

We can be MORE whole in our brokenness. We don't need the road that brought us here anymore. We need the road that leads us on.

Let Fly, and tear up the runway.

-R
 
Mono,
It's strange to feel so familiar with someone I've never met. And I'm starting to think we are all one earthquake away from enlightenment.

LR,
Thank you. In your honor I shall love as I wilt.
 
Wow, that gave me goosebumps. :)
Thank YOU (and please do)!

One day I'll let Maca put a photo of my tattoo on here (says that on it).
Haven't gotten the nerve up yet....
 
Charlie

You are one crazy motherfucker. And I love you for it.

I trust you, my friend. And I count myself as lucky as Lucky to have you in my life. Our conversation today was one more brick laid squarely. And I don't say that because I learned some great insight from you or finally got to get something off my chest. I say it because I treasure the ability to speak freely with you. That, in and of itself, is a tool we could not do without.
 
Rarechild

The words "Thank you" are a mere conversational expression of gratitude. They fall flat over time. They fail to convey the appreciation I have of you.

When we first started falling in love, just after we first spoke the words to one another, I told you in a poem that when I say "Thank you", I really mean "I love you." I still do that.

I will spend the rest of my days in a valiant struggle to bridge the gap between the words "Thank you, my love" and the gratitude I feel.
 
All of the most amazing good folks I've known have suffered some terrible loss or trauma or another in their lives which half or nearly killed them in some way. Those losses and wounds will always be with us in some way, but it's possible to reclaim our full flowering, actual and potential, always. Even innocence is there to be claimed. And there's an art to revealing this potential when hidden by clouds, shadowed by darkness, fear and pain. This art is true friendship and love. It's shining here brilliantly.
 
The worst awesome concert I've ever attended

Last night Charlie came to town to go to a concert with RC and me. She bought the tickets as a Christmas present for all three of us. The band was great, the house was packed, the stars were in alignment for a good ol' fashioned rocking evening with my favorite people, but I was elsewhere.

Yesterday morning, RC glanced at my computer screen to check the time before work and saw an email (not the body, just the subject line) from a woman I've been corresponding with, but haven't met yet. We'll call her M. The title of the email was "What I want from you". This started a conversation we didn't have time for as we were both on our way to work. Her contention: (paraphrased) "You're speaking way too seriously to a woman you've never even met in person." My contention: "Maybe so. But what the fuck do I know. I've never done this before." Things got a little heated and we ended up parting ways with a cloud hanging over us.

Through the course of the day, I slid into an introspective funk. I began to question everything. My relationship with M. RC's relationship with Charlie. My ability to cope with their relationship. My seemingly eternal struggle with insecurity and jealousy. I spent the day wrestling with my internal monologue. The daemons were fucking with me pretty hard.

It should also be noted that after the accident RC and Charlie were in a couple weeks ago, I slipped into a similar funk that lasted more than a week. I subsequently entered counseling, but after only two sessions, I don't really think we've gotten to the meat of any specific issues. It's still a "getting to know you" type of thing at this point.

Back to the best worst concert ever...

Charlie arrived around 6pm and we sat around chit chatting for a while before going to the show. The entire conversation was laborious for me. I was constantly fighting off jealous thoughts and didn't really have much to contribute, which is a shame because RC had a very interesting day and I wish I could have engaged her a bit more about it. We then took a cab downtown and stopped by a bar next to the theater for a drink. At that point I was optimistic. I had started to feel a little better and was getting excited for some great music. We enetered the theater, saw some friends, said our hellos and went inside. At one point, RC looked over at me and said "You look happier." And I was, right up until I was reminded that I was fighting to be happy. Things started going downhill pretty quickly.

Long story short, I was depressed and jealous the rest of the night. RC was doing her very best to be understanding and still have a good time. Charlie was uninformed of my situation, but definitely not oblivious to the fact that I wasn't being myself. I stopped drinking (which was a good move) but that brought on a headache and made me want to leave. By this time RC was down on the floor jamming out to the band and Charlie was grooving away in the balcony with my sorry ass. I imagine he stayed when RC left as a gesture of solidarity with me. He's good that way.

The show ended and we went home. I immediately got ready for bed because I wasn't feeling well on many levels. RC hugged me and asked what she could do to help. I told her I wanted her to come to bed too. She said she was still keyed up from the show and wanted to hang out with Charlie for a while first. I got it, but wasn't happy about it. I felt shitty about putting a could over the evening already and didn't want to make things worse, so I said fine and went to sleep. I woke up at 4am to find myself alone. Then, awash in anger, self pity and depression, I huffed and puffed around the kitchen looking for something to eat (the hangover wasn't bad, but it wasn't good either). I think I kicked the dog's bone by accident and made enough noise to wake RC up. She and Charlie had fallen asleep upstairs talking. She came down, apologized and, eventually, we curled up in bed and slept a couple more hours before we both had to get up for work again.

So all day today I have been in the same haze I was in yesterday, only there is anger now as well. The two of them should be coming home soon and I look forward to talking some shit out, though I have no idea where to start.
 
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Catfish, it sounds to me like some very old hurts got stirred up. By old, I mean from way back in childhood. I have the sense that somewhere in you, RC's reaction to your email correspondence with M felt like a reprimand, which may possibly have spun you into a bit of a tantrum. No one likes being told what to do, or feeling like they've been caught doing something wrong, especially if it doesn't seem fair to us. You did get a tad defensive at first. I'm not saying that you did something wrong or that she did reprimand you, but from your state of mind after that happened, it seems like you have interpreted it that way on an unconscious level. If you think back to when you were young, are there any events or situations that you remember which stirred up similar feelings? Sometimes, just seeing where something came from is enough to diffuse it. If nothing comes to mind, that's okay, too.

I think when you sit down and talk to RC and Charlie, just be truthful and say what you've been feeling and how much you're uncomfortable with these feelings. But I think it will help if you look beyond the current situation, further inward, or at the past, to get some perspective on your responses. Try not to get caught up in the drama and instead, see if you can step back a little and observe your mental process to see what it tells you about yourself. Like a scientist.

Hope that helps!
 
If I may-

Can I suggest that you start the conversation with something along the lines of:

"Guys, I need some help. I'm struggling with jealousy, insecurity *whatever you feel is the right word* and I can't seem to break it. I know you've noticed, I just don't know what step I need to take right now and I need your help."

I say this because it's obvious from all three of you's posts that there is a great love and care FOR YOU from both of them.
One of the hardest htings to do is trust others to love and care for us when we feel like we aren't living up to our own expectations of ourselves.
Taking that chance, by asking for help from those people tends to not only get the help, but it helps them feel more able to help AND it builds trust which is key to knocking down the feelings you are struggling with.

HUGS to all of you!
 
NYC-great answer. :)
I'm forwarding this all to Maca cause I think he could stand to read both the "problem" and your suggested answer. :)
 
NYC, nailed it. I absolutely was being defensive. It was a knee jerk reaction to feeling like I was being told I was wrong. When it was really just RC saying how she felt. I think this is less childhood trauma and more residual feelings of being over criticized by any number of past loves. Definitely more to investigate there.

GS, I totally employed this tactic (without actually saying "Guys, I need your help") and I was a little amazed by how easily the conversation flowed. Thank you.

The conversation was liberating for me. It carried well into the night and continued again in the morning. Taking on the posture of just needing to talk as a way to process the tangle of emotions was the key. I feel very loved.

LOVED I TELL YOU!

LOVED!
 
I'm not GS ;)
But you're welcome.

My suggestion came from being in RC's shoes and knowing what would help me know what was wrong and how to help. ;)

I have however spent endless hours getting advice from GS in the last year. ;)

I'm glad you are doing better!!
 
No bad,
gave me a wonderful morning giggle.
:)

I'm glad you feel loved.
I hope that when everyone else wakes up around here I am surrounded by those same emotions!

:)
 
NYC, nailed it. I absolutely was being defensive. It was a knee jerk reaction to feeling like I was being told I was wrong. When it was really just RC saying how she felt. I think this is less childhood trauma and more residual feelings of being over criticized by any number of past loves. Definitely more to investigate there.
I am so happy to have been helpful in some way and that what I said enabled you to identify where it was coming from. You know, I only "nailed it" because I could recognize myself in you.
 
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