Getting Used to Limited Time

Ashley612

New member
First off, will say that I am new to poly. Found a guy I am interested in, but the lack of time to see him is so hard. Feel like I am the one constantly finding time (or trying to find time) to get together, and it leaves me feeling kinda sad and lovesick. Feel like I really like this guy, but kinda feels like very early on (2 weeks in) I am not a priority. Any advice on dealing with limited time and figuring out the difference b/w that and a secondary relationship just not being a priority for someone.
 
get a hobby... hang out with friends... Do something with your time...

I understand what you are going through... it can suck!
I am so used to my love always being attached to the hip with me.
It does give me a love sick feelings as well, but I fill up my time with school, and with my two jobs... but once school is over... I am going to need to pick up another hobby, or something!

You will get through this, and the feeling does go away, with time oh course, and NOT fighting it.
 
How much time are we talking about? I really struggled when I met Sam because I wanted to spend a lot of time with him (big time NRE) but I knew that just wasn't possible because of my other obligations (family, work, school). But it was important to make sure he felt valued and that he did get a fair amount of time. So we get approximately 40 hours a week together (2 evenings,overnights, mornings)

You should also find friends, hobbies, and maybe another lover to occupy your time. Van he also find time, even if its an hour lunch date or a walk. I know when I get an impromptu meeting with sam between our overnights it makes it so much easier for me to manage. i know its harder for him because im with nate 3 nights a week where he has to spend that time alone. i think sometimes its hard for someone with a primary to understand the needs of the person that is alone
 
Well, as far a time. I've just noticed a change in the frequency of texts and such. Plus, I am the one that seems to bring up getting back together. Have tons of friends and hobbies. It just kinda comes across that if he has nothing better to do then he has "time" to get together. Get that people have lives because man only KNOWS I am busy, but when I am into someone I make the time.

Just feel like I am already more invested than he is, and once NRE wears off it's only going to get worse.
 
I do struggle with time in my relationship (if you're interested in reading, the rambling blog link is below in my .sig). However, my circumstances are a bit different: co-primaries (for lack of a better term), where Chops (our hinge) splits his time between two homes. I find that a half-time schedule is difficult for me to feel a "life partner" type of relationship at times (how to share your life with someone when they're not there for a lot of it?). If we were still in NRE, it'd be unbearable.

What I needed in order to feel some level of stability in our relationship was a schedule - I needed to know that we had a plan to see each other, even if things have to get rescheduled. That helped immensely. Your mileage may vary, but it's worth a talk with your partner to get the both of you on the same page regarding what he is able to offer, and what you need (which is not always what you want).

And you may need to keep talking about it if it doesn't work out perfectly the first time. That's okay - rough drafts are progress, not failures. :)

Good luck.

(Also edited to add that I never liked the "get a hobby" types of responses - they always seemed very "here's a dollar, kid - go find something to do" to me. However, learning how to be alone, and learning to do the things YOU like is a valuable skill - you do need to be comfortable in your own skin to be comfortable being alone. Distractions only help while you have them.)
 
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Thanks YouAreHere. Totally ok being alone. Just don't like wondering if I am being stringed along. Seems to be one of those says one thing and actions say another kinda things. Definitely on the menu to be talked about next time he has some free time.
 
I think the main issue here is that you've moved this relationship to an advanced level of expectation far too soon. As much as love and the emotional stuff is infinite, resources are finite. As you are well aware, your existing commitments take up time, energy etc and you can't be in two places at once. It's really important to look at your life and make realistic decisions about what additional commitments you can maintain.

What you could ask of him is that you make dates in advance. That means you committing to a date as well as him. If he refuses or doesn't keep to them, you know there is a discord between what you need from him and what he can offer.

Just a personal anecdote about why his behaviour might not be the worst thing in the world. Recently, my partner met someone new. A poly Noob. They hit it off and unfortunately, NRE hit my partner hard and he started neglecting our relationship greatly. After time, when he started to acknowledge what was going on and started to fix it, it became apparent that a) she wasn't being forthcoming about what she wanted from him b) his behaviour during NRE gave a false impression of what he could offer her whilst maintaining our relationship and c) now he was redressing the balance, she was less poly friendly than first thought. I feel that his behaviour bought into her mono normative thinking that we can't be that serious if we need other people. It was a rude awakening when he explicitly told her that my place in his life isn't replaceable and that fixing our relationship is a priority.

I don't really blame her; she was misled into believing he had the resources to maintain a level of relationship with her that replicated ours and he would sacrifice at least some of what we have, if needs be, in order to develop the relationship to that level. She did try to say that she could accept the new limitations but by then, it was clear that she felt very negatively towards me and probably isn't that suited to polyamory. It was too late, in his eyes anyway.

They've parted ways now. Perhaps if the limitations were clear from the beginning, they'd have found a way to build something sustainable that could have co existed alongside our relationship, even if it was a platonic friendship. Alas, the way things ended up, he couldn't have both relationships without quite significantly scaling one back or halting it from progressing by becoming emotionally distant. That wouldn't have worked for any of us so inevitably, it came down to him choosing between his relationship with her and his relationship with me. He ultimately decided to fix the relationship he had with me and had to sacrifice the good thing he had going with her.

I'd much rather keep a positive person in my life by having a healthy and long term FWB type arrangement than try and force any compatible person into a super serious romantic relationship model that fails after a few drama filled months.
 
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Could you be willing to give an example of the discrepancy where he says one thing but then does another? I see from your post that you are upset about the possibility that you are being strung along, but without understanding what your agreements are or what it is he is doing exactly it is hard to give you feedback.

Galagirl
 
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Have you tried just asking him? If this is something you expect to become long term, you'll need to be comfortable communicating your feelings at some point.

It's been 2 weeks. Maybe you feel like you're not a priority because... you're not. You're someone he just met. Priorities are, and should be, the people he's been in relationships (friendship, romantic, professional) with for months, years, decades.

If this level of intimacy and interaction doesn't meet your needs, tell him so, and ask if he's willing to spend more time. If he is, great. If not, then accept that and decide whether you can continue in this relationship under those parameters.
 
Exactlywhat SC said.

1. It's new and not an established priority yet.
2. Communicate your needs and fears directly. If doibg so scares him off, then he wasnt ready anyway.
 
I can relate, but

I am living your situation right now and I am okay with it. We just met a few weeks ago and Hook was very upfront with me on the amount of time - this is time to text me, call me, see me - that he has right now. He works in construction and as I know from working for a company like his...and this weather...long work days etc and Hook has a family so I am not a priority for him.

What has been nice is when I do start to over think our current status quo...he'll text shortly after (like he read my mind or something) and either tell me he misses me (he asked for a new face pic of me) or this was just awesome on Tuesday, sent me some bare chested pics of him.

You have to decide what will or will not work for you. Yes, I would like for Hook and I to get all gaga/NRE with each other and ignore our obligations/responsibilities so we can spend a lot more time together, yet that is just not going to happen and I accept it and work through it when I think too much about it.

I have decided I'm still "open and looking" and that if I get asked out for a date I won't be saying "no"...why should I?

Maybe that's what you need to do as well. Keep the door open and just be content with what you have and if you're not content, then either ask him point blank what he wants in a relationship with you or don't ask and be upset.:confused:

Good luck!
 
. . . the lack of time to see him is so hard. Feel like I am the one constantly finding time (or trying to find time) to get together, and it leaves me feeling kinda sad and lovesick. Feel like I really like this guy, but kinda feels like very early on (2 weeks in) I am not a priority.
It's only been two weeks and you are "constantly" trying to schedule something with him, and feeling "sad and lovesick" over always being the one to initiate? I am having a hard time fathoming why you're so focused on this person you barely know, and feeling lovesick that it's not going the way you want it to after such a short amount of time.

I've just noticed a change in the frequency of texts and such.
Are you saying that, over just two weeks -- 14 days -- you have already established a pattern and set routine that he's suddenly not following? And you're letting that get you down? Can you see how unrealistic that sounds? It seems you've placed an awful lot of expectations on this guy from the very start, and if someone did that to me, it would strike me as rather odd, immature, and clingy. I'm curious - how old are you, and how experienced are you in relationships in general?

It just kinda comes across that if he has nothing better to do then he has "time" to get together . . . when I am into someone I make the time.

Just feel like I am already more invested than he is, and once NRE wears off it's only going to get worse.

How invested can anyone be at two weeks????

This may not even be a case of his not investing in the relationship as much as you, nor seeing you as not a very high priority. This may simply be a personality trait - and how he approaches dating someone is different from how you do it. He's most likely just not as needy as you are.

For example, during the first two-week period of dating someone new, I wouldn't expect to see him more than once or twice. I'd be very surprised if we got together more often than that. It might be a welcome thing to see someone new three or four times in a two-week period, but it also might not be that welcome if I'm feeling like he's being too pushy or needy. I'd also feel pressured and as if my personal time/space was being invaded if he was pushing to talk or text every day. I dislike daily contact and need my alone time to recharge, because I'm an introvert. Maybe he is, too.

Just don't like wondering if I am being stringed along. Seems to be one of those says one thing and actions say another kinda things. Definitely on the menu to be talked about next time he has some free time.

Hmmm... seriously? Now, see, if I had just started to see someone, and after only two weeks he confronted me and said he felt like I was "stringing him along" because I hadn't made enough effort to see him in that short amount of time, I would find it extremely difficult not to laugh in his face. And I certainly would cross him off my list for any future dates. Anyone who is that high-maintenance at the very beginning of a budding relationship is definitely much too needy and clingy for me, and not someone I'd be interested in continuing to see.

So, if I were you, I would examine my expectations, look to see where they're coming from, and ask myself if I'm being reasonable. I would also ask myself whether I am so focused on this guy right now because I don't have enough going on in my life (intellectually, emotionally, creatively, socially) that is stimulating and satisfying.
 
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The fact that it's only been two weeks and you have already found a pattern in his becoming distant is a little confusing to me. Did you guys see each other non-stop for the first 7 days and haven't talked for the second 7 days? I can pick up a new video game and go off the grid for a week... it doesn't necessarily mean much. Most likely he's got other stuff he needs/wants to be doing and so he's doing that stuff.

[Edit: nycindie made this exact point lol]

However, this sounds a lot like puppy love run rampant, but only on one side. If he's not interested in a lover he just met then I'm wondering if he's really interested at all? Generally the NRE in the first few weeks of a relationship can be seen from space.

Have you tried just asking him?

If all else fails, ask the person who can actually answer the question accurately!
 
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I was pretty love sick over both sam and nate even before we mwt (phone 1 week before meeting)

Nate and moved in together a week after meeting and sam and I spent every second we could those first 5 weeks while nate was away in a medical study (Friday-Tuesday)

I don't think that it's that uncommon
 
I don't think that it's that uncommon

Maybe not for you or people like you, but there are all kinds of people in this world. The point I was trying to make is that maybe this guy approaches relationships differently from how she does. I offered my perspective so she could get some insight into how another person, whether introverted or just more casual about relationships, might view frequent contact.
 
I'm normally very non-clingy, and clingy people usually drive me away faster than anything. Gralson was an exception, we basically moved in together on our first date and spent the next 2 weeks inseparable, but that was completely out of character for either of us. Everyone else I've dated since then has been more my regular routine.

Auto is very needy, she readily admits it, and when we started dating it almost scared me off. She would express that she'd like to see me more and that she believed she was getting mixed messages, not unlike what the OP is describing here. Fortunately her husband was able to keep an objective POV and got her to realize that if she kept it up, I was going to hit the road running. Now she's grateful that being in a relationship with me has taught her romantic independence. We're able to appreciate the time we do have, and although she's always the one who misses me before I miss her, we've got a good thing going.
 
Not sure how to answer this without sounding defensive. The "change" was at first he was all crazy gangbusters and then it changed extremely in a short amount of time. I am not "clingy", but I am intense and passionate. Just don't like mixed signals.

Quite frankly, some of the responses I've really appreciate giving me some insight. This is all very new to me. Other seem very judgemental, and not very much making a newbie like me to want to participate further in this forum. Hopefully i get less judgement being a lurker.
 
NRE makes me craycray too. Moved in with my husband after 2 weeks, and my boyfriend will be moving in shortly - we've been together almost 3 months. The important thing is to realize that not everyone has the same level of NRE crazies. If you are mismatched in that, one of you is going to have to spin the dial up or down or you'll stay unhappy. He either isn't as interested as you are, or he experiences his NRE in a different way. The only person who can tell you which it is, is your boyfriend.
 
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