My icky can of worms lol

Ilove2men

New member
So, I have a little time to bring up the topic of sex and how I view it. I've actually realized today that how I think I should view sex and how I actually view sex are very different and I'm starting to sort this out.

It came about through messages with my fiance. I started to wonder why I feel a deeper emotional connection through physical non invasive touching. I have a deep need for snuggling and being nestled into his chest, arms around me. Pretty much cradling. Whereas, when I think of sex I think of... orgasm. Now, don't get me wrong I absolutely love sex, but it feeds a physical want not an emotional need for me. There have been times that I have connected emotionally with him through sex, but it is rare and now that I have really acknowledged this about myself it caused great concern about myself and my view of my sexuality.

And wow.... I'm about to bring up things that I thought I had dealt with and never wanted to return to, but I think I must because I want that pure emotional connection. I experienced sexual abuse as a child/teenager off and on by people I deeply trusted with my well being. I didn't have the greatest childhood and have some abandonment issues. I went through a very ugly stage of my life that was filled with pain and misery and confusion and self loathing. Yes, I blamed myself because I always knew there was something off about me which is why I attracted this sort of behavior from people I trusted. (which are 2 separate issues that I will bring up in the same post)

The first one is easier. About how I always knew there was something different about me. I have always felt a romantic connection with more than one person at a time. I thought I was defective. This is something I am still working myself through actually. The same idea that people who were molested as a child grow up and repeat it. I thought that my urges and wants for multiple relationships was something that was caused from my experiences and that in time I would heal from it and therefore my need for multiple people would go away as well. Well, that's a big N.O. And thanks to a good hard scary look into myself and the help of this forum I have learned that this is me, and it's not an ugly scar from my childhood and I'm not defective. It's just me and it's okay. :) It's still a work in progress though.

The second part is, I have a belief that I need to be in love with someone to have sex with them. But, as I looked harder and deeper I ask myself what exactly does this mean to me. I love my fiance with everything I have, but now I see that when we are having sex it is just a physical activity (mighty fun lol) and there is no emotional connection on my side of it.

All this time, I have been thinking that because I love sex so much and I have truly overcome my past and now I don't think I have at all. Letting someone in physically is way easier for me to do than letting someone in emotionally while being intimate. And... I actually feel guilt about this now that I've discovered it. This is so not fair to my fiance.... and it's not fair to myself either.

I want the feeling that I get when we snuggle. It's a deep emotional trance for me. I feel the world melt away and I am safe in his arms connected to his heart. I feel as though we are one. I want to work on bringing the two together and I think I will have to do alot of digging around to figure it all out. But, with us both reading the communication thread and wanting to really work on our connection through communication I am sure that I will learn to feel safe enough to really open up emotionally to him.

You really weren't lying that poly puts a spot light on EVERYTHING. Things that I didn't even realize were happening. So please everyone feel free to add your own insight to your sexuality and the emotional connection behind it. And all questions are really welcome as they will make me dig even deeper into myself.
 
So lesson number one for me through this process. Sex with someone you love does not equal being emotionally connected during sex.
 
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Zug zug fun!

I've enjoyed sex in many different circumstances, some of which involved some degree of attachment--from friendship to deep involvement--and others which involved nothing more than lust or simple pleasure-seeking.

I had to figure out long ago if I was wanting sex with some woman just due to hormones or if there was some emotional attachment involved. There were some problems when I thought I wanted sex due to emotions and it turned out I just wanted the physical pleasure. I learned early that lust is different from infatuation is different from friendship is different from love.
 
I think what I am encountering is a wall I have built to prevent myself from being emotionally vulnerable in such a vulnerable position physically.
 
I think what I am encountering is a wall I have built to prevent myself from being emotionally vulnerable in such a vulnerable position physically.

Well, that would follow from the abuse. Somebody can take your body but they can't take your mind. Now the task at hand becomes that of leaving that defense mechanism behind.
 
Exactly! So this will be my focus. To face it head on and overcome the fear of being broken emotionally by someone I truly care about. I know rationally this will take some work, connecting deeply then trying to maintain that while "in the act"... but I can't help but smile because it will be a lot of "fun" work. lol
 
I've come to point in my own sexual awareness that I can't imagine wanting sex without being in a state of loving connection. Even with Redpepper, if my connection is not there because some issue is lingering, not only do I not want sex, but my body doesn't respond.

I've tried just about everything sexually and although I had fun and found it interesting from the other persons/people's point of view, I did not find it arousing for the most part. I'm totally fine with this. Sex used to have a certain power and influence over me. I wasn't healthy in that and didn't act in a responsible way.

Sex is a form of communication for me, not just an activity. There's only one person I want to communicate in that way with, and it is incredible now that I found that!

Better no sex than unconnected sex for me.
 
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Just to add to my comment...complete vulnerability has been the key to complete sexual connection and pleasure for me. Opening up with that level of trust takes you to a higher plane..and yes it does come with risks but once you've been there it would be hard to accept anything less :)
 
While complete vulnerability is lovely, it creates a complicated dynamic for people who have experienced sexual abuse, since that kind of abuse creates a strong connection between being vulnerable and being violated.

IL2M, I know what you mean. I was sexually abused as a kid and raped at 12. And given the statistics, I'm sure there are many other people who post to this forum who have similar experiences.

Those walls are pretty necessary for a while in order to create safe healing space for yourself. But yeah, they can be tough to break through when they're not as needed anymore. There's no one real way that works for everyone and different people react differently to such trauma. There are so many variables in that. (I first coped by not being sexual with other people at all for a good period of my life.) It does sound like you've actually already broken through a huge wall by having such a deep emotional connection with your fiancé that makes you feel safe. You also have the advantage of awareness.

All I can say is that it's work I have to revisit in my life from time to time, but I'm ok with that. And a good catharsis during sex can be really freeing and amazing :)
 
Whoa, thanks, woman. No time to write but I can relate to lots of this that happened for me after a physically abusive relationship I played victim in. You are beautiful and amazing- keep digging.
 
First of all Ilove2men, thank you for feeling safe enough to broach this delicate topic for yourself. Thank you for sharing your story with us too. I am always left feeling so honoured that people would share a part of themselves that is so deep. Completely honoured.

I find it very sad that you don't experience connection when you are having sex with your fiance. I'm glad to here that you do in other ways and I sincerely hope that you merge the two at some point. The results are incredible.

I have done some hard work in regards to past experiences that happened to me throughout my life in various ways. I don't think any of it influences me any more thankfully. I feel very fortunate that I got help as soon as I saw I needed it and that that part of my life is over now.

I would suggest perhaps using your cuddle time to move forward into moving that feeling into sexual times.... perhaps if you ask him not to have his own agenda at all in your love making for an occasion. Perhaps if you were to move your fiances hand over your body as it suits you and direct his actions when you feel ready to move your mind to feel connection. Slowly you could move your body to allow him to enter you at your own pace. Again, no agenda on his part. It wouldn't be necessary for him to cum, or you for that matter, but to experience the feeling of moving together and feeling connected together as one. I wonder if either of you could end the whole session if the old feelings of separateness return. Or let the whole experience lead to orgasm as you see fit. You'd need a lot of time I think... :)
 
I think what I am encountering is a wall I have built to prevent myself from being emotionally vulnerable in such a vulnerable position physically.

SO get that one my dear. I so get that one!!!!
Hell of a road to travel resolving that one.

Wish you the BEST (most sincerely) of luck!!!
 
Ceoli, I went through something similar where anyone who showed and interest in me made my stomach turn and I would lash out if someone was being to aggressive in pursuing me. I knew someone who specifically targeted small women who was in fact a child molester and with me being 5'1 and 96 lbs I questioned why anyone would truly be attracted to me in a healthy way. So I avoided everyone who showed interest in me.

So, I had to take a good hard look at myself physically and litterally trace my finger on the mirror over every curvy part of my body and embrace myself as a woman.

Ceoli, from your personal experience do you think that the self protect mode on seperating the emotional and physical can be completely overcome or do I need to reduce my expectations somewhat to protect myself from feeling defective and damaged again, if I can't connect on that level everytime.
 
Redpepper, that's exactly what I want to explore. Connecting with him beforehand and trying to maintain it while being physical and if I lose that connection stop the physical part and reconnect emotionally again. I think it will take a lot of time as well, but I am excited of the possibility of success.

It would be wonderful to be a fly on the wall and see someone else in this vunerable state and witness the outcome. Speaking about all of this has me envisioning this happening to myself and the biggest think I notice is that the vision of it triggers thoughts of vunerability and is this something I will feel safe in. So I see that this will be a very sensitive issue for me to overcome. That will take a lot of trust in myself. I do trust him with my safety. Its my emotional health that I question. Its scary to think of breaking down and releasing that pain while being physical and what he will think of me during this. I have a strong feeling that I may react that way at first because stepping over that line I've drawn all these years and not even knowing it was there could very well be extremely overwhelming.

I think that as we work on our communication skills I will be able to find the words to explain how delicate this will be for me. My biggest fear is my self defense mechanism has always been to lash out and push away when I feel too vunerable which would be damaging for the both of us. So this is something I need to look deeper into before I am ready to try to merge the two.
 
Ceoli, from your personal experience do you think that the self protect mode on seperating the emotional and physical can be completely overcome or do I need to reduce my expectations somewhat to protect myself from feeling defective and damaged again, if I can't connect on that level everytime.

You absolutely do not have to reduce your expectations and you *can* overcome such separations! It's difficult to say exactly what you need to do because it's individual for each person. But you seem to have the right idea. Practice connecting intimately first. Then slowly add more sexual elements for that connection. Honestly, receiving massage from your partner can be very illuminating in terms of what kinds of reactions come up. Also, it's good to practice allowing your partner to give to you without expecting anything in return. It's good to practice not worrying about whether you orgasm or not and just focus on the process of connecting. I was lucky to have a partner who challenged and pushed me in very loving ways as I was working on this stuff. I was able to get through those walls with a lot of tears and release in his arms. And things still definitely come up from time to time for me, but I'm very aware of where that comes from and it doesn't take control of my feelings.

It just takes practice. Practice connecting with a partner, practice connecting with yourself and practice telling yourself new good things about you so that you stop practicing telling yourself all the horrible things the abuse told you to tell yourself. (did that make any sense?)

But no. Being abused or raped does not mean that you are permanently damaged goods. You might have a scar or two, but scars do not limit us, they are simply part of the tapestry of our lives.
 
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PS. Redpepper, I totally wanted to back out of this post when I saw the turn it was taking as I typed. Its a place I didn't want to return to, but in order to grow I must face it. Not only for myself but the people I care about. I don't want to guard myself from them. I also didn't want to post this because this is a poly board and I didn't really feel that where my post turned was relevant. I am glad I took a breath and clicked post because discussing it and getting feed back is really helping me look deeper, faster than I could do on my own. Thanks everyone really, Thank you.
 
It just takes practice. Practice connecting with a partner, practice connecting with yourself and practice telling yourself new good things about you so that you stop practicing telling yourself all the horrible things the abuse told you to tell yourself. (did that make any sense?)

That makes perfect sense. Abuse tells me I am subhuman. I am not good enough to be taken care of. Only good enough to be used for someone else's purpose. It tells me I expect too much if I think someone will love me and care not only for my body, but my spirit as well.... I could go on and on.

Which is why the emotional disconnect. I always tried to keep my spirit safe and unbroken through all of it. As much as the abuse told me these horrible things about myself there was a place deep down inside of me that was safe and I could tell myself I have a beautiful and unique spirit and that at least one person in the world saw the beauty of me... and that person was me and it was my job to protect that precious spirit from the world. So the challenge is to release that spirit around the people I love when im in a vunerable position.
 
Which is why the emotional disconnect. I always tried to keep my spirit safe and unbroken through all of it. As much as the abuse told me these horrible things about myself there was a place deep down inside of me that was safe and I could tell myself I have a beautiful and unique spirit and that at least one person in the world saw the beauty of me... and that person was me and it was my job to protect that precious spirit from the world. So the challenge is to release that spirit around the people I love when im in a vunerable position.

That explains it so well and I know that feeling exactly. The good part of that is that you can build a strong sense of self and a really authentic person that way. The hard part is believing that you aren't the only person who is capable of seeing that. Though I would say that I always felt the need to protect that inner spirit because I didn't believe in my own ability to keep that spirit alive while still sharing it with other people. Once I believed that this part of myself was worthy enough to be in the world and not kept protected in my inner sanctum I was able to be open and commit to being open to any love that came my way. That's where I had to change what I was telling myself.
 
Why is "sex" so complicated ?

Because it is ! But not.........
We (primary/wife and I) can only offer some of what we've learned after being "sexual" since an early age and continue to be. Many moons :)
We feel it's important to understand that sexuality has a lot of different aspects to it. We also believe it's important for everyone to explore them all to be a complete sexual being. To know what's most important for them.
Sex can be curious, fun & playful, lustful & animalistic and intensely deep/spiritual. We feel none of them are wrong and none of them are less important than the other. (spiritually leaning people will definitely disagree here but this is our views).
We believe acknowledging all these aspects is critical to being balanced, satisfied & happy. Our natural sexuality is a big part of our humanity ! We feel strongly that those unable to embrace that will suffer - sometimes much - because of that.
I seems from your writing that you may be struggling to try to pigeon hole your sexuality into one specific box as being more important than the other. We have found that unproductive at best. We all go through different phases, different moods, different circumstances etc and if it involves sex, trying to pound a square peg in a round hole usually results in a lot of frustration & confusion. And often a broken peg :)
All we can suggest is that you acknowledge these different needs - all of them very real - and try to get on the same page with your partner. If everyone understands this nature of things and tries to reach out and connect to the other to sense the CURRENT mood/need etc you may find the whole deal is a lot less complicated.
Hell, you can even make up a calendar in advance <grin> ! Monday is "PLAYFUL", Tue is "Wild & Kinky", Wed we do Tantra, Thur is "Orgy Day" etc :)
Point being - it's all natural - all good. ENJOY it - don't let it become a burden !

GS
 
Actually, it has little to do with sex and more to do with emotionally vunerability. I have a very active and healthy sex life. I'm not trying to box it in. I'm trying to merge two connections together to get an even greater outcome.
 
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