lost

triolove

New member
I am in a trio. We have our ups and downs just like everyone. But this was an important day for me. It was my five year with my man and i wanted to make it a wonderful day. But she made it hard. Top it off she said me that him I could have sex. But she could cause it was her time of the month. When it came down to it she would not let us, and he said he didn't want to make her uncomfortable. It made me so mad but more sad that he did not want to make love to me. How do I deal with something like this cause it got me so upset I am ready to walk. But i don't want to leave i love them both. I feel like anything i have to say don't matter to them. Its their way or no way.
 
You have to tell them how you feel, and take responsibility for the way you feel. Don't tell them they MADE you feel this way. Remember while you cant help what you feel, no one can make you feel things. Tell them both why lovemaking was important to you, that you expected it, and when it didn't happen, how you felt.

It's not worth walking! Take the time to breathe, assess, and when you're in a place for it, ask for some time from them to discuss how you feel.
 
I have told them how i feel. They tell me i am feeling wrong. I just want to be able to get time with him like she dose too. I don't know what they do while i am at work. But i feel i should get the same as she dose he was my man first. But i guess i am wrong for wanting anything.
 
You're not wrong to want.

You have to communicate how important things are to you and how your time with him seems inadequate. They may not agree but you cannot control that. Communicate, breathe and assess.
 
Hello, and welcome to the forums. Sorry it is because you are having issues.

...But this was an important day for me. It was my five year with my man and i wanted to make it a wonderful day.

OK. It was a special/important day for you because it was your 5 year anniversary with your guy. So you wanted to make it "wonderful" - what plans did you make, other than having sex with him? How did those plans go?

But she made it hard. Top it off she said me that him I could have sex. But she could cause it was her time of the month. When it came down to it she would not let us, and he said he didn't want to make her uncomfortable. It made me so mad but more sad that he did not want to make love to me.

You say that "she" made it hard, that "she" didn't allow ("let") you have sex with him. BUT, why does "she" have any say in whether you have sex with your shared guy? Are you upset with your guy too (or just sad)? Why does "she" get to decide who "he" has sex with? (i.e. can you tell him that "he" can't have sex with "her" on their anniversary?) (OR, is there some BDSM type dynamic to this/these relationship(s) that you haven't told us about?)

How do I deal with something like this cause it got me so upset I am ready to walk. But i don't want to leave i love them both. I feel like anything i have to say don't matter to them. Its their way or no way.

How you deal with it may depend on whether this was an isolated event/misunderstanding and they apologized or whether this is an unhealthy pattern of behavior. WHY do you "love them both" if you feel that anything you "have to say don't matter to them"? THAT doesn't sound like loving behavior on their part,

I have told them how i feel. They tell me i am feeling wrong.

There is no such thing as "feeling wrong" in my book. You feel what you feel regardless of how irrational it may be.

Perhaps you are attributing the wrong "reasons" to why you are feeling what you are feeling. But no one can tell you that those aren't the feelings that you are having and you "shouldn't" be feeling them. They can only help argue the "why."

I just want to be able to get time with him like she dose too.

Have you put this on the table as some thing that you require? If you have and it has been ignored then you really need to question if you are getting what YOU need out of your relationship(s).

I don't know what they do while i am at work. But i feel i should get the same as she dose he was my man first.

Regardless of what she "gets" (which you say you don't know) AND regardless of who came "first"...again, are you getting what YOU need out of this? (If not, why stay?)


But i guess i am wrong for wanting anything.

No, you are not wrong for having your own wants. But saying it in this way just sounds defeatist, like you are giving in to them pushing you around..."poor me - I guess nothing that I want can be important, do what you want to me...sob, sob." If that is actually your attitude, then no one else can "help" you stand up for what you want - you have to do that for yourself.

JaneQ
 
May I ask what sort of conversations did the three of you have wrt her status in the family, special days/events?

For example, does she have two anniversaries or isn't that even considered?
 
I do get upset sounding when things don't go well. So the way I act I am she plays a big part in things. As for trying to making it hard she said she did not want us to make a day without her cause we are a trio now. I do understand that part but I don't understand is how am I to not do anything on a day like that with just me and him.


As for getting alone time with him, she said if that needed then what is the point of her being here. I told her me and him need to be strong for our trio to work. I have told them I don't want a date or a whole day without her. I would be happy with a 30 min drive. But she gets upset cause he don't ask her to run to the store with him. Things are just getting so hard..

I have lay in down of that I need from all this. He dose want to get alone time with me but if she going to freak out then he don't want to upset her. That I do get cause it throw the whole family off when one of us is upset. So I think I need to be less bitchy and bossy of things.
 
I am the wife. She is the gf with a kid. it was my five year anniversaries. She had one with me and him.
 
I think the thing that maybe SHE is missing about this whole set-up is the "polymath" aspect.

Just because you are in a trio/triad DOESN'T mean that the A+B+C relationship is the ONLY one that gets tended to. There are a myriad of OTHER relationships involved that all need their own time and tending:

A+B
B+C
A+C
- to start off with.

EACH of those relationships also needs it's own time to grow and flourish. Then, each of those relationships (the 3 dyads that make up the triad) has it's own relationship with the third person:

(A+B) as they relate to C
(B+C) as they relate to A
(A+C) as they relate to B

These are the underlying relationships that SUPPORT the very POSSIBILITY of a healthy A+B+C relationship.
 
Do you mean one with you and one with him or one with you and him?

I assume by what you have written that this is a primary/secondary configuration, but does the gf know this? It appears that you are both working to cross purposes.
 
We all want to be even.

I don't know how that is compatible with you saying 'I am the wife' and earlier saying 'I had him first' then?

It is true that there is not one relationship but three and you all have to respect the validity of each of those relationships. So, did you actually sit down and discuss this before you jumped into this situation? It is very hard to start once emotions start to get engaged and now she may be entrenched into the idea of everything needing to be done together, which is simply not sustainable.
 
We all want to be even.

I have an idea. Get yourself some closed-circuit video cameras (they are pretty inexpensive nowadays) and set one up in each room so you can keep track of what they're doing while you're at work. Then you'll have a clearer idea of what you need to do to keep up with her in terms of getting your half of the time alone with him. You will also need to do things with her so that neither of them is getting more than their fair share of time with you.

Then, and only then, can things be truly even and fair to everyone. Otherwise, just forget the whole thing.
 
We are all one. No one is diff then the other. Well we should be.


It would really be helpful if you would address the situation rather than just talking of your ideals, your ideals don't really seem to be all that effective in this situation. It is not just about saying 'what you would like' but you need to have an effective plan in place for working through your issues and learning to communicate better with each other.
 
If you have a partner, does that mean you never need a day to yourself?
If you have two best friends, does that mean you never need to hang with just one of them?
If you have a child, does that mean you never need a day when you can drop them with a sitter and just chill with your co-parent?
If you have two partners, does that mean you never need time with just one of them?

"As for getting alone time with him, she said if that needed then what is the point of her being here."

That is nonsensical. See my comparisons above.

"I told her me and him need to be strong for our trio to work."

You are correct.

"I have told them I don't want a date or a whole day without her. I would be happy with a 30 min drive. But she gets upset cause he don't ask her to run to the store with him."

That is extremely unrealistic and unhealthy on her part. A date should be a reasonable request.

"I have lay in down of that I need from all this. He dose want to get alone time with me but if she going to freak out then he don't want to upset her."

That's not cool of him. Why do her needs take precedence over yours and his? She needs to learn not to "freak out" if something upsets her.

"So I think I need to be less bitchy and bossy of things."

I disagree. You're entirely in the right here. I would go INSANE if one of my partners insisted that they had to be by my side at all times. I need me-time, alone with myself, because if I'm not centered and happy with myself, I can't be happy with my partner. Similarly, each couple within your triad needs time to itself -- you with him, her with him, you and she with each other. What's so upsetting about that that it causes her to freak out?
 
Thank you all for your help.. Today has been one of my better days. I got to get time with hime lastnight. We talk about how i was feeling. He Listen to me :) he said he will have my back on making this work.. He even talk to her about cleaning the house :). All this just made my day.
 
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