GreenMom's Blog

I keep giving you credit for things that originated from other people, don't I, nycindie? lol. Well, thank you for letting me know where "credit is due" and I will do a search on postings by that person as well.

Several emails later, I'm cautiously hopeful to the point of assinging nicknames just to make it easier. The man is Link and his gf can be Zelda, because it amuses me and has something to do with how I connected with him. The way it was left last night, he is going to talk to his gf to see if she's interested in possibly meeting me. I'm unsure if he's interested in anything with me if she is not. They seem like a pretty package deal. I'm hoping if nothing else, maybe I can make a couple new friends. They also seem to be a bit more sex focused than I am - I'm not opposed to sexy fun but I want a friendship there first and ideally would like a little romance. Lover-friends, not just f-buddies - to me the difference is in the connection, and I am very much craving connections these days, with how disconnected I am from both Derrick and Marty.
 
I am putting the breaks on anything potential at this point because my marriage is crumbling. I discovered over the weekend that Derrick and the woman he went behind my back with in May/June never stopped their affair. All this time when I thought he and I were working on repairing our marriage he was continuing their long distance thing. And they found a time and place to physically consummate their relationship. He told me he has been miserable with me for years if not months, that I am to blame because I am a bad wife, a bad submissive, unfair, mean, unsupportive, etc and that he has wanted to divorce since January. He is now staying with a co-worker while we both take some space.

So I guess I really am my own primary.
 
Oh dear ... that sounds so ugly. I am sorry to hear about this. Take care and stay strong through this :( And don't start to believe in his words. I know that it is tempting to search for flaws and there is nothing wrong with looking into things why this or that went wrong, but don't take the blame alone. It's ridiculous to say that you are at fault for his thievishness.
 
Oh my god! :( GM, I'm so, so sorry. Even if all the things he said about you were true, which would shock me since you don't come off that way in the slightest, it still would not excuse him lying to you and sneaking around like that. What a complete lack of integrity. How dare he call you a bad sub... a dom (not to mention a good human being and partner!) is supposed to have a little backbone, and if its true that he wanted to leave you all this time but didn't speak up, then he's a coward, plain and simple. Nothing excuses carrying on a deception about something so personal, not to mention for so long.

You deserve so much better. Again, I'm sorry.
 
Wow wow wow.

I knew you guys had some work to do but I didn't see this coming. I'm sorry to hear you were blindsided by his inability to be compassionate and adult about this. Try not to take personal responsibility for his, as Annabel put it, lack of integrity, because well, it's not yours. It's his. Sending you and the kids positive vibes and good thoughts.

*hug*
 
This week, we are trying to give the kids normal routines before and after work/school, and then once they are in bed, he goes to sleep somewhere else so we both have "space" to process and think and etc and I get to cry myself to sleep in our bedroom alone. Friday we are going to sit down and attempt to talk and determine if we are going to go the marriage counseling route or proceed with divorce. I am completely broken. It is taking all the will power I possess and some I am borrowing from some extra reserve not to call him, forgive him for everything, and beg him to come home to me. I am so lonely and its only been three days. I can hardly function. Seriously, I am trying to focus on work, but I have to keep running to the ladies room to cry. I have to pull off the side of the road while commuting so I don't have an accident from crying. It's not gentle quiet tears. It's sobbing, keening, a huge mess. He has lied so much and been so incredibly thoughtless that I have no idea how things could be fixed, if he is even willing to try. If I am willing to try. My brain tells me the smart thing is to divorce and rebuild, start over for me and the kids. my heart is sobbing out desperately to try and keep him. He was my best friend. We've been together for seven years. i am so fucking alone now. I want to wake up and find out this was all a horrible dream.

and the other woman.... is out on the web BRAGGING....I hope she is proud of her part in all this... cause she knew she was assisting him breaking our agreements and cheating on me. Her husband cheated on her and left her a few years ago to be a single mom to two kids and struggle to make it work. Now she may be the proud owner of a large role in leaving me a single mom with two kids struggling to make things work. The part of me that was her friend is angry at the betrayal for her to go with my husband behind my back knowing it would hurt me. The part of me that is a mother is horrified that a fellow mother could actively try to steal my childrens' father away from them.
 
Oh GM - I'm so sorry to hear things aren't looking up. It sounds like you are doing everything you can possibly do - kids, work, meet to discuss. I agree with you about the other woman and how horrible it is to try to break up a family. :( I'm sending a positive vibe your way tonight. I have no real advice, I know this just sucks. Just keep breathing...sometimes it's all we can do...and remember/focus on the kids - they can oftentimes be our continued inspiration to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Hang in there...
 
I wanted to send you a hug. And to say that the crying, sobbing out loud stuff that means pulling off the road or going to the bathroom at work is, in my opinion, a fairly normal reaction to the grief of loss.

I've been doing tons of that this year - my Dad died after a long, stressful illness at the start of this year. And even now, I find that things suddenly trigger strong feelings of loss and bouts of intense crying. And not just about Dad - I sometimes find myself crying over my dog who died at the start of last year after a long, stressful illness. And even over a romantic relationship that ended 9 years ago.

I very often feel terribly lonely (something which has caused problems between my SO and I) even though I am far from alone. I have a huge network of family and friends who help and support me. And an SO who loves me.

I'm taking the crying and the feeling lonely as a normal part of the grieving process and trying not to worry about either of them. I feel that whatever happens, things will be okay. This is just stuff to be gone through.

This may be the same for you. I hope the time and space gives you and you hub a chance to think and come to some conclusions.

IP
 
For my blog followers, I wanted to come back and update. This will probably be my last blog post, because at this point, I have very little desire to attempt another poly situation. I honestly don't think I am wired for it and since Derrick has decided to end our marriage, I no longer have to try and be poly to please him, which admittedly, was pretty stupid of me to do.

To summarize the past month: hell.

We spent the first week of the month apart to think. We talked 8/3 and I told him I was willing to go to counseling. I also found out he had made the phone affair into an in person actual "real" sex affair. He told me he wanted more time to think, because my "condition" for trying was that he cut off all contact with the other woman and he wasn't happy about that.

The following week we went back and forth about it some more and then on 8/10 on my morning commute he told me he didn't want to work on the marriage. I called him out on it - "So, your desire to stay in touch with Other Woman is more important than your desire to try and save our marriage/keep family together?" and was told it wasn't about her. He said it was a mistake for us to ever be married and he wanted out.

Suffice to say my heart was broken. He's been moved out now for a little over two weeks. I'm finally mellowing out and actually at a place of peace. Sure, I am angry he lied and cheated. I am saddened at the break up of the relationship. But I am smart enough to know that he would have just kept lying. I've uncovered one other affair from three years ago, and possibly one other from four-five years back. I am so much better off.

Marty has basically vanished, and I am okay with that too. We had good chemistry in bed, and we make good friends. I will never be the kind of priority in his life I deserve to be, so it's better this way. We are still in occasional contact to socliaze, primarily getting our kids together for play dates. I'm glad I have his family in my life because I really like and care about him, his wife, and their son. But I know especially with everything else, it's better that the romantic/sexual parts of our relationship died out months ago. Despite how tempted I am - how lonely I am for physical touch - I know it's probably best to just leave that as is.

I have redone my dating site profile and am excited to very slowly begin to casually date, as a single woman (well, married-on-road-to-divorce woman). I have had lots of advice to wait. And I don't plan to rush into anything serious, but I don't see why I shouldn't date a bit. Maybe it's because of the poly arrangement Derrick and I had this past year, and the fact I was already casually dating here and there as I looked for a secondary "lover friend", but the idea of dating doesn't sound unappealing. I don't feel like I am "broken" by this divorce process and I don't feel that I need healing time.

I have learned a lot about relationships. There are many personal compromises I made to be with Derrick. I will not be making them again. If I ever have another committed primary style relationship, I will stand much more firmly by what I want and not just settle, as I did with Derrick on some areas. I rushed so many things when Derrick and my relationship started. Looking back, I see that I was a very lonely and depressed person who equated self worth with being with someone. I am not that person anymore. The past few months I have worked hard at being my own primary. I am not looking for someone to complete me. I am looking for someone to provide companionship. Someday, maybe, to live with me, marry me, and be a stepdad to my kids. But I am already a complete person and don't need another person to make my life whole.

Thanks to all my readers these past months. I have learned a lot from you and appreciated all your support.
 
So glad that you found a place of comfort and security finally. Don't have much to say, I hope you will be well and never again forget to take care of your most important relationship: Be your own primary! All the best.
 
I am sorry to hear about the break up of your marriage, even if it is for the best. I hope that he gives you a quick and painless divorce, especially for the sake of your children. Good luck with the dating.
 
Allow me to echo everyone in saying both "I'm sorry" for the pain you've gone through, and also "Congratulations" on the healthy attitude you've cultivated. Best of luck!!
 
I guess I was wrong about shutting down my blog. Copying something I posted elsewhere today to help explain why I am back.

"I have been telling myself the past two months - no poly, never again. But then I'll start thinking in the frame of mind I've been used to this past year, and go hmm. Especially since all I want for a relationship right now is a committed lack of committment, heh. I don't want something that will necessarily progress towards cohabitation/marriage. Honestly, I want a FWB. But I want a "real" FWB... not just someone who uses me as a booty call, I want the full out friendship, having someone that can be a +1 to go to dinner or the movies, and someone I sleep with, but not something I have to live with or merge lives with, since that isn't remotely possible for me right now. I want someone who would understand that if I say "I love you" that is all it means - it doesn't mean "I love you so we must merge households and marry and live together forever". And I am wondering if I am more likely to find a lover-friend thru poly channels than looking at monogamous folks because most men I talk to seem to either want the white picket fence, or a f-buddy/booty call."


So... undecided on poly. I don't want to let me knee-jerk reaction to my ex's infidelity to cut me off from a way off life that seems to fit me more and more as I grow older. I remind myself that I am just as much at risk for being cheated on in monogamy as in polyamory.

Whether I do end up staying polyamorous or I decide to just focus on one relationship, the fact remains that what I want right now is just a lover-friend, as I'd been posting about on my blog before my marriage blew up all to hell.
 
So last week, I had three first dates scheduled with guys off an online dating site.

Date #1 was dinner on Weds with C. I don't have nicknames made up yet, we'll see if they are needed. I thought it went very well. I openly admit I already had a huge e-crush on him from his profile and the emails we had exchanged. We had talked once on the phone to firm up plans, and conversation flowed smoothly. The dinner went well. Conversation was constant, I enjoyed myself immensely. Tried putting out the "dude, go for it, kiss the girl" vibe and realize I am probably not very good at it. Mildly put off because I got the "I am not looking for a dating relationship right now", but I am hopeful if we continue to hit it off, perhaps we could become lover-friends. As per my prior post, I am not really looking for a traditional coupled relationship. I am looking for friendship, intimacy, honesty. So, we shall see.

Date #2 didn't happen! Was supposed to be coffee Saturday mid-morning, but the guy never showed, and didn't answer his cell. I have nicknamed him Mr. Cling, though there won't be any follow up posts. He already had two strikes against him. His young child is in his profile pic, which just squicks me out. No offense meant to anyone who does so but as a parent myself I can't fathom having a photo with my kid on a dating site. Strike two (and what earned the nickname from myself and a couple friends) was how if I didn't immediately reply on an email (like without a couple hours even) I'd get a follow up email. I'm a pretty busy person, working full time and being a single mom. I shoot for replying within 24 hours but it doesn't always happen. So the not calling and not showing up was strike 3. Strike 4 was him calling me 90 mins after the fact, three times in 10 minutes, and then emailing to explain that he had an awful morning etc etc and he was on his way but I probably wouldn't be there when he arrived. Uh... no kidding. On the voicemail I left him I told him I was leaving the coffee shop.

Date #3 was lunch on Saturday with A. It went well. Conversation flowed smoothly, he's attractive enough though I don't get the tinglies I get from being around C. I am mildly put off my one thing in his profile, which was an answer to a question (on a site that has tons of "questions" you can answer to help "match" you) which was about cheating. He answered that he cheated once, but it was long ago, a huge mistake, would never do it again. Seeing as how infidelity just broke up my marriage, I am hesitant to pursue anything with an admitted cheater. Now to be fair, maybe it was something stupid in high school, which I could perhaps look past. But I know myself well enough to know I am already having enough trouble trusting people I already know, let alone new folks, that I would probably be waiting for the other shoe to fall. It is possible a lover-friends style relationship might work, but I am leaning towards friendship. We'll see.

I've been doing a lot of thinking on the concept of love - both the emotion as well as physical intimacy - not having to "mean" anything more. I want to be in a position where I can tell a lover "I love you" without them freaking out thinking it means anything more than a simple expression of feeling. When I was dating Marty earlier this year, I was terrified to tell him I loved him, because I knew he would take it as a loaded phrase and freak out. It makes me sad that by default we have so many expectations tied to those three simple words. This is probably the best lesson I have learned from my forays into poly - you can love, and it doesn't have to "lead" to anything else except more love.

On the physical intimacy side... I have always told myself I was one of those girls who had to be in love deeply before sleeping with someone. In truth, that was only perhaps true with my first. My subsequent partners, I tend to have sex first, then say "I am in love", when really it's just the heightened emotions from having a ton of sex after a dry spell. It's not a healthy way to live. It has lead me into some unhealthy relationships founded moreso on chemistry in bed than on commonalities out of bed. I am hoping that with my search to find a lover-friend or two, I am able to just let love grow if and when it does, and simultaneously not be held back from enjoying physical things by this "I must be in love" mindset - but also not decide "I am in love" because of having sex with someone.
 
Not much to report. C has been hard to pin down. Which is okay, except, I want to have another date to gauge interest - both mine and his - and then broach the idea of a non-partnered dating/sexual relationship.

A has basically poofed - which is okay by me, since I had reservations.

It's been interesting to me that my poly/poly-friendly friends are all "Yeah, get back in the dating pool! Have fun! Get laid!" and variations thereof. My monogamous friends are all "You must wait 1-3 yrs, you must heal, you aren't ready to date, just be by yourself and enjoy it".

Except of course, one of my friends who is a lovely blend - "Yeah, date, have sex, have fun, and then go home and have your space to enjoy by yourself". No wonder she and I get along so well.
 
So, C has basically blown me off. I figure that's his loss. ;)

Marty randomly popped back into my life. I'm enjoying the ego boost of the flirtation, even though I know it won't go anywhere.

I have another first date this week, with G. I'm pretty stoked about it and planning my outfit.

I finally feel like I'm getting my groove back and it feels good!
 
First date with G got postponed to today. I'm cautiously excited and hope to gain a friend if nothing else. :) We are grabbing coffee after work. I'm taking it as yet another sign that my upcoming move (I'm moving from the city I live in to the town I work in about an hour away - will take me from a 70 min commute to a 7 min commute) that he lives nearby the town I work in, about 35 mins away. We're meeting halfway at a little cafe in an even smaller town to grab a cup of coffee and chat. Since I am going directly from work, not too much prep. I packed a spare shirt (my shirts tend to get dirty at work) that is pretty and flattering, some earrings to match, and my make up bag for a quick touch up.

I was starting to feel pretty meh about G since he was flaky about rescheduling until the last minute, but when he did touch base to firm up plans yesterday, he was prepared with a venue to suggest, a time, etc, so that earned him back a couple points.

C has, amusingly, popped back in and asked me out. My conjecture is he had someone else he was interested in and he wanted to see how that played out. I've agreed to a coffee Sunday morning. Pretty sure I don't want a relationship with him, but I can always use more friends.

Another guy I haven't mentioned here yet, Z, who I have been corresponding with a couple weeks, asked me out for tomorrow night. I don't think I can go on account of child care, but I suggested a Saturday afternoon coffee instead. He's a bit younger than me which makes me nervous (not that much younger but the whole - different ages, different stages) thing, but I admit, it's nice to feel pursued and that he asked me first.

Still casually chatting with/randomly flirting with Marty. In my oh so subtle (read: blunt as a.. uh... really blunt thing) way, I told him I'd be game for resuming our more intimate activities, and he should let me know when he was free. I'm firmly putting the ball in his court this time. Last time around, it was all on me to handle all scheduling, and half the time I got turned down, so... not going there again. Enjoying picking up the friendship if nothing else.

I am highly entertained because I had basically decided to give up dating, and now I have four guys circling around. Is there some vibe you put off when you don't want to date that suddenly makes people interested? It's sure a nice confidence boost!
 
Still casually chatting with/randomly flirting with Marty. In my oh so subtle (read: blunt as a.. uh... really blunt thing) way, I told him I'd be game for resuming our more intimate activities, and he should let me know when he was free. I'm firmly putting the ball in his court this time. Last time around, it was all on me to handle all scheduling, and half the time I got turned down, so... not going there again.
Good for you. I like your new attitude: No more wishy-washy! Ya wanna be with me, pursue me! :D

Is there some vibe you put off when you don't want to date that suddenly makes people interested?
Yeah, I think so. It probably has to do with being relaxed,not angling, hopeful, or desperate... and lots of guys like the challenge of chasing after the ones who don't seem so readily available. When we're giving off a vibe like, "Me, me, pick me!" it's just too easy. LOL.

Sounds like you're having fun. Happy for you!
 
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Thanks, nycindie. :)

So, I have had some folks telling me I am not following the "rules" for dating, since I ask men out. Hm.

I'm also frustrated at how easy it is for people to apparently say one thing and mean another.

Had my first date with G on Weds. I thought it went great; I am really into him. He's energetic, vivacious, very attractive. Because I am me and it's how I work, I asked if he'd like to do something over the weekend. He said yes, pending schedule/child care (he's a single parent too), and that he'd get back to me the next day.

Well... he didn't. So I emailed him. I was told sorry, no sitter, maybe we can do something next Weds.

I am told this shows he's not interested in me. I'm not quite willing to write him off yet, since I get the single parent thing. But I'm also not willing to go into another thing like what I had with Marty where it was like pulling teeth to get him to do things with me.

By contrast, had my first date with Z today. He is the first first date I've gone on, incidentally, where he asked me out, rather than me asking him out. We connected well, I am attracted, but I am a little hesitant because I know he wants a Big Committed Relationship and I want to go super slow and be as casual (but honest) as possible. I can't jump into anything too huge too fast, I have kids to consider. He asked me out a second time at the end of the first date, so I know he's into me. He's reasonably attractive, we have a ton in common, I had a good time. So I'll go on the second date and see how things go.
 
Ugh, pay no mind to those people who say that women shouldn't ask men out (I've been doing it for 30+ years and have never been struck by lightning because of it), nor the ones who say he isn't interested because he wants to wait a week for whatever reason. Those are mono-oriented people, I assume? They are thinking that these things are what you should do to nab a One and Only Lifelong Partner for yourself. People like that, who perhaps get their relationship advice from magazine quizzes and self-help books, just don't know how to think out of the box. They are the ones who are always looking for the right formula and strategizing about things like how many days one should wait to call somebody, and so on -- they drive me nuts!!! I mean, if you aren't sure whether a guy is interested, you can just ask him, or say, "You can let me know if you're really not interested and I'll stop calling." No, you shouldn't have to pull teeth to get a date, but you don't have to live by "The Rules" and formulas, either! I was recently told by a friend that I should stop going out with guys who are broke, because a woman should never have to pay for her own dinner. I said, "But why should I deny myself the pleasure of a really great guy's company just because he has no money?" Her answer: "It's just not right." Bleeccchhh!
 
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