franchescasc
New member
Blah. Life is never boring these days....that's for sure.
So...my newest quest for advice, talking down from the cliff, or what have you, is about a partner who is constantly either hot or cold.
MD goes back and forth with her feelings. She says that she loves me, she has feelings for FJ, and she thinks what we have is beautiful and she wants to figure out how to make it work.
But in the next breath she says that she's not sure if she wants this kind of relationship, that she hates it being a secret, but she's also not willing to tell anyone. She has also said that she wants what FJ and I have, wants someone to come home to. She knows she won't get that from either of us, and says she just wants that ideal, not specifically from FJ or I.
She says she is confused. She has expressed she just doesn't know what she wants. But then when I try and back away and transition to friendship, she says she doesn't know if she can't have me in *all* of the ways, and that she wants to figure it out. We just came off of a 2 week "break", and both FJ and I are hesitant to be romantic again-although we both really want her and have been patiently waiting for her to figure out if she wants to pursue something. I have felt like my heart is breaking a few times in the last 6 months, and I'm nervous to go through that again, not to mention have FJ get in deeper with her to experience his own round of it all.
This is a first for all of us. Specifically for her, it is her first time having feelings for a woman. (whereas I've always known I could have feelings for a woman and have had more time to come to terms with and accept my bisexuality) She admits that she leans sexually more towards FJ at times. (Which, I mean, so do I! Sometimes I want just him, sometimes I want just her....I've totally come to terms with them having a separate relationship from me. But she doesn't know how she feels about that....) She also has a hard time sharing her feelings, wants, needs etc. She just hasn't had anyone ever really care as much as we do about what she wants and feels. I see her putting forth some effort to try....but then she can shut down very quickly and pressuring her does no good. Sigh.
So here's the current question. Taking all of this into consideration-if you can understand my babbling-she is flirting again. Talking about being with us. Her and FJ are def flirting more right now...I'm just still too wounded and hesitant. I feel a little bit like when she's lonely and horny, FJ and I are the safe bet. But that when it gets complicated, she runs for the hills. Before the 2 week break we were talking about MD & FJ having alone time. I was encouraging it more than anyone. Now I'm hesitant for any of us to move forward with romantic/sexual relationships separately or together unless we can have a conversation to lay it all out. It's not like I need her to say she'll be with both or either of us forever. But at least to put her intentions on the table and commit to working through the tough issues without running away and not talking for days.
Am I being unreasonable? Would you more experienced polys run from this relationship? I see her telling me she's more sexually attracted to FJ (although we were the original sexual partners for nearly 5 months before FJ even became involved). Reading other triad stories makes this a red flag for me, although I do believe she is genuinely physically attracted to me-our chemistry is amazing. I also hear her telling us she wants a primary relationship...but if she's with either/both of us she's not interested in pursuing that. So wtf? Roll with it, or try and force the convo? Am I naive to think she's just figuring it out...or is she telling me loud and clear and we need to shut it down? Argh.
So...my newest quest for advice, talking down from the cliff, or what have you, is about a partner who is constantly either hot or cold.
MD goes back and forth with her feelings. She says that she loves me, she has feelings for FJ, and she thinks what we have is beautiful and she wants to figure out how to make it work.
But in the next breath she says that she's not sure if she wants this kind of relationship, that she hates it being a secret, but she's also not willing to tell anyone. She has also said that she wants what FJ and I have, wants someone to come home to. She knows she won't get that from either of us, and says she just wants that ideal, not specifically from FJ or I.
She says she is confused. She has expressed she just doesn't know what she wants. But then when I try and back away and transition to friendship, she says she doesn't know if she can't have me in *all* of the ways, and that she wants to figure it out. We just came off of a 2 week "break", and both FJ and I are hesitant to be romantic again-although we both really want her and have been patiently waiting for her to figure out if she wants to pursue something. I have felt like my heart is breaking a few times in the last 6 months, and I'm nervous to go through that again, not to mention have FJ get in deeper with her to experience his own round of it all.
This is a first for all of us. Specifically for her, it is her first time having feelings for a woman. (whereas I've always known I could have feelings for a woman and have had more time to come to terms with and accept my bisexuality) She admits that she leans sexually more towards FJ at times. (Which, I mean, so do I! Sometimes I want just him, sometimes I want just her....I've totally come to terms with them having a separate relationship from me. But she doesn't know how she feels about that....) She also has a hard time sharing her feelings, wants, needs etc. She just hasn't had anyone ever really care as much as we do about what she wants and feels. I see her putting forth some effort to try....but then she can shut down very quickly and pressuring her does no good. Sigh.
So here's the current question. Taking all of this into consideration-if you can understand my babbling-she is flirting again. Talking about being with us. Her and FJ are def flirting more right now...I'm just still too wounded and hesitant. I feel a little bit like when she's lonely and horny, FJ and I are the safe bet. But that when it gets complicated, she runs for the hills. Before the 2 week break we were talking about MD & FJ having alone time. I was encouraging it more than anyone. Now I'm hesitant for any of us to move forward with romantic/sexual relationships separately or together unless we can have a conversation to lay it all out. It's not like I need her to say she'll be with both or either of us forever. But at least to put her intentions on the table and commit to working through the tough issues without running away and not talking for days.
Am I being unreasonable? Would you more experienced polys run from this relationship? I see her telling me she's more sexually attracted to FJ (although we were the original sexual partners for nearly 5 months before FJ even became involved). Reading other triad stories makes this a red flag for me, although I do believe she is genuinely physically attracted to me-our chemistry is amazing. I also hear her telling us she wants a primary relationship...but if she's with either/both of us she's not interested in pursuing that. So wtf? Roll with it, or try and force the convo? Am I naive to think she's just figuring it out...or is she telling me loud and clear and we need to shut it down? Argh.