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Old 07-03-2012, 06:45 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Seattle-ish
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
So, that's just another perspective that I think may relate to how Q and D feel about it. Perhaps if he had a commitment to a serious primary partner, the parameters would indeed be different. But he doesn't. He doesn't have partners; he may have flings, fuck buddies, casual girlfriends, or FWBs -- but no Partners with a capital P. Your agreement is to meet partners.
I think that's a great way to look at it that would perhaps give you a non heated viewpoint from which to talk about it. From a primary/secondary view, I'd insist on meeting others primaries, spouses, and probably meeting anybody they felt seriously about, but I wouldn't have interest in meeting somebody they just started dating a couple months ago, or that they had a casual sex connection with. Do you two have an agreement (or do you want to have an agreement) that you never get involved with somebody who has casual relationships?

However you say he isn't OK with meeting his other partners - are they all casual, or are there regular girlfriends, or somebody he loves? Is there wrongdoing happening, or does he see it the same as he wouldn't introduce her to his parents or siblings or coworkers since he's not dating her? You do have a hard stance on that, but I wonder, what if you meet somebody who has a FWB they see once ever few months, are you really going to insist on meeting them before getting involved? What if they are involved in kink and get involved with people at a playspace occasionally but don't see them outside that environment? What if they have a partner who hates meeting metamours because it makes them really uncomfortable, or a partner who has such a busy life with 3 partners, 2 kids, a full time job that they could care less about meeting you until things are serious between you and the shared partner?

So this would be your wife's first potential relationship?

I've had some hard lines in poly that changed once the shoe was on the other foot, so to speak, most of them due to fear in those early poly days. Then there are some things I held my guns to, like dating people who actively swing with strangers, where my husband and I have different views on that, safer sex is a hard line still for me.

Unless there is something bad about this guy that you'll share, or he really would "forbid" two metamours who wanted to meet to do so, you might want to spend some more time thinking about if this is really where you want to draw your line in the sand, or consider relaxing your stance and let your wife make her own choices and mistakes in partners, if it's not breaking any of your other agreements. I know it feels safer and better to have your partners date people you like, but that isn't always possible.

If you don't want her to date him period for other reasons, maybe you should come clean about that too and not stick by this "meet other partners" agreement as the sole reason, but just be honest that it's him you dislike and that you'd like to say "Please don't date him". I'm not saying that your views are wrong, but if someday you don't insist on meeting/talking to every single person somebody you want to date is involved with/is going to get involved in, it will looks pretty hypocritical.
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