Things are going like gangbusters in the last few days. I am finding it hard to keep up on here.
I had a major meltdown this week with PN. It was around participating at our son's school. It's a private school that is run by families. It's small, only about 30 kids from kindergarten to grade 6. There are at least 10 kids with developmental disabilities, hearing issues and physical disabilities. Part of what keeps the school going is that they insist that families contribute volunteered time. If we don't, the school just doesn't run.
Last year, I decided that the way we were going to participate was by me joining the board. I asked if I could share the role with PN so that I wasn't overdoing it and the board agreed that I could. Well, PN helped with a bottle drive and that was it.
The AGM was coming up this week and I was wondering how to participate this year. I kind of thought I would prefer being a PAC (parent advisory committee) member and understanding a different part of the school's function, but wasn't sure.
I was cornered the morning of by the principal and the now chair of the PAC. They wanted to know if I would consider chairing or running for parent liaison on the board. I was caught off guard and felt pressured by them. I'm not a morning person, AT ALL. I told them it was too much for me to think about at the moment.
By the time I got to the car to drive to work, I was angry. First at them and then at PN. I called him and told him he needed to step up to the plate and take responsibility this year. I thought it was his turn. He is part of our family and has to start doing some stuff that he didn't want to do in interest of the greater good.
Previous to this fight we had had several discussions about his not enjoying doing things he doesn't want to do and thought he just wouldn't do them any more. All very well, but sometimes that means I have to do them. Things like calling people in the family that we know are having a birthday etc. The issue of school participation fell under the "I don't want to" category, I felt, for him. Without checking first.
So I was faced with an equally angry PN who refused to do anything I asked. An age-old issue we have. I get irate and bossy and he does what I call "no's me." The fight continued all the way to the AGM that night. He decided to join the marketing committee and I ended up being secretary for PAC. I am fine with that, as I just have to write out minutes each month.
When we finally got home, and got to talking about it, I told him that I really need him to realize that this whole "I'm not doing it if I don't want to" thing really bugs me, and that I'm sick of stepping up to the plate for stuff that he could equally do and it's his turn. He said he doesn't like being bossed around. The discussion seemed futile.
I decided that I would look deeper into why I reacted the way I did, and what he could do to help me not get out of control with my anger like that. I figured out with his help that I didn't like being cornered, didn't like being approached about stuff that I am uninterested in, in the morning, and that I really needed him to just empathize. He discovered that he is triggered by me when I blow up and get demanding and reacts by saying "no." It makes him feel like he doesn't have control over what he wants to do. And I feel the same way!
We decided to look at what we say to each other, and there was where the work paid off. By the time we had strategised about it, I had established that I need him to say to me something along the lines of, "It sounds like something has gotten you angry. What was it?" or, "It sounds like you had a rough morning already, I want to hear what you are saying but will wait until you have calmed down." It sounds so simple, but if I hear something along those lines I will be calmer, I think. PN needs me to express the root of issues rather than the surface of them. I need to be able to tell him that I feel he isn't pulling his weight without a demand attached to it at the end. A request for him to step up would work better.
Sigh.... How many freakin years have we been working on this? It comes up over and over again and still we don't get it right in the moment. At least we keep talking about it and strategising as to what might work better next time. Occasionally these things get through and we manage to pull them off.