Reasons to break up?

On the other hand why in the name of gods little green apples are you dating such a man.

When was the last time an abusive person walked up and said "Hi! I'm an abusive person. Want to go out on a date with me?"

Just point blank like that? He probably fronted a good initial game. Cracks didn't show til later. *shrug*

It isn't her fault he's loopy. I say good for her -- 2 mos in and she's ready to bail before it gets crazier. Just needs help doing so. I've seen people stuck in abusive relationships for years. Ugh.

Galagirl
 
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When was the last time an abusive person walked up and said "Hi! I'm an abusive person. Want to go out on a date with me?"

Just point blank like that? He probably fronted a good initial game. Cracks didn't show til later. *shrug*

It isn't her fault he's loopy. I say good for her -- 2 mos in and she's ready to bail before it gets crazier. Just needs help doing so.

Galagirl

There is the possibility that her husband knew there was something screwy going on and she ignored him, too.

She never elaborated:
We never set boundaries, which I know now we should have, as well as making our expectations clear. One thing is that my husband felt that he didn't like the guy and I he was insecure about me just up and leaving him. Even Though the whole time he kept telling me to go out with him and pretended to be happy because I was happy and excited. But then one night, 2 nights actually, he got drunk and kept sending hurtful awful texts to me and the guy I was dating. This guy, let's call him J, was very pissed off, for good reason, and tried to hash it out with H.
 
A lot of the time when people say someone was ruled an unfit parent in a custody battle, they actually mean the other parent was deemed more suitable to be the custodial parent of that child and the other parent was given visitation. The judge decided in that particular case that one parent was in a better position to provide a "base" for the child. If you like, you could say that parent was said to be "better" than the other one.

That doesn't have any bearing on whether those parents would have the same outcome if either of them was in another custody battle for another child against a different parent.
 
When was the last time an abusive person walked up and said "Hi! I'm an abusive person. Want to go out on a date with me?"

Just point blank like that? He probably fronted a good initial game. Cracks didn't show til later. *shrug*

It isn't her fault he's loopy. I say good for her -- 2 mos in and she's ready to bail before it gets crazier. Just needs help doing so. I've seen people stuck in abusive relationships for years. Ugh.

Galagirl

Agreed. I know a woman for whom reality is an often tenuous ever-changing (depending on how she feels at the moment) thing. However, on a casual basis, it really isn't obvious. She knows enough most of the time to look sane in most situations. It is only after you come to know her well that you start to see what a nut case she is.
 
Ok, firstly, this guy believes that there is a high chance he has a baby on the way. Now, given that the OP used condoms, that is unlikely and I don't understand why he is 90% sure the kid is his but maybe he is bad at Science.

Nevertheless, he believes he might have a baby on the way and actually, he is acting quite admirably. He Isnt being abusive by demanding his paternal rights. From what I have seen he has threatened legal action so he can obtain his legal rights over a child he (probably wrongly) thinks is his. Someone in his position would need a good lawyer and lots of money to petition for paternity and it must be awful for the men who are in that situation and are unable to rectify it.

The OP asked if his behaviour is abusive. No, it isn't whilst he believes he could be the Dad. If he refuses to accept that it's highly unlikely that he is the father and/or refuses to accept the results of a DNA test and continues this, sure, he is nuts. But right now, the OP even confused us about how likely it is that he is the father and seems to be operating as if the chances are 50/50 opposed to the very small chance that it really is and given that him being the father would be a nightmare for her, I would have doubts about anything she says regarding the odds if I were him.
 
If you read her last thread from a month ago the boyfriend wanted to move in with her and her husband. That would have made things what a month into their relationship at the latest. That doesn't scream potential bunny boiler to any one else. That and professions of deep and undying love early on in a relationship.

I am sorry this man met the OP as a blind date set up by the husband with the idea of a partner swap. The BF dumps his girlfriend and shows up anyway. Says he never wanted an open relationship but his exgf forced him. I am sorry all that info from a month ago should have been huge red flag.
 
Thanks galagirl. I really appreciate the advice. I think I'm going to try backing away and figuring things out on my own. Just scared about court but I can't let that he the deciding factor.

When I was dating him he made himself vulnerable, open, and honest and I didn't think he would be such a control freak over my life. And when I tried talking to him face to face he would talk over me and tell me not to give up on him. But I think the best thing to do is break up with him via email or letter.

Thanks for all your advice. My mind is more clear and I know what I need to do.
 
In that thread, I read that the OP's husband recruited the boyfriend and his former partner for wife swapping sex but due to problems in their relationship, the boyfriend split up with his former partner. The OP and the boyfriend hit it off anyway and the husband pretended to be okay about it but wasn't. Something that came to light later on. The combination of inexperience and the husband's revelation that he is struggling and may want to close the relationship at some point led both the OP and the boyfriemd to progress their relationship at a pace most would deem unwise. The boyfriend in particular became typically fixated on replicating the entanglements the OP has in her marriage, rather than focusing on developing their own entanglements, be they practical or otherwise. The OP wanted to maintain and progress with both relationships but the conflicting desires of her partners, particularly her husband who gave a deadline for closing their relationship, left her feeling stuck.

Now, boyfriend is freaking out about just how "secondary" he is because in his mind, her husband could non consensually replace him as the father of the child he helped to conceive, in every way that counts. Husband wants to have a "normal" family and will find it difficult to accept anyone being as entangled in their lives as they would be if they are a co-parent. And OP can't understand how it all went so wrong and just wants it to stop.
 
All he has tried to "control" is his rights to a child he (probably wrongly) thinks is his. That isn't a bad thing. That's the right thing to do.
 
Getting a partner pregnant so she'll stay with you is a classic abuser technique.

I've heard from several sources over the years that in some/many jurisdictions a child born in wedlock is considered to be legally the child of the married couple no matter what the biological situation was which led to conception. If the OP lives in such a place then psycho-boyfriend can get all the paternity tests he wants but it won't change the legal parentage of the child.
 
I've heard from several sources over the years that in some/many jurisdictions a child born in wedlock is considered to be legally the child of the married couple no matter what the biological situation was which led to conception. If the OP lives in such a place then psycho-boyfriend can get all the paternity tests he wants but it won't change the legal parentage of the child.



Actually, if a child is born in wedlock it is ASSUMED to be the spouse's. So name will automatically be on the birth certificate UNLESS, the husband has questions. After the birth, IF someone says they believe themselves to be the father and sues for paternity test, THEN it can be changed.
 
OP, he sounds like a true nut job, saying you should stay with him because he's spent a lot of money, that your husband is no good for you, that he'll sue for custody, and so on. Holy shit, you need to develop better judgment and common sense about who you let into your life! Why do you let yourself be such an easy push-over? I've never been able to convince anybody who tried breaking up with me that we should stay together. When most people want to end a relationship, it ends. You need to find your backbone! Just stop calling/texting/emailing him. Have a plan to let your husband and/or other people deal with him if he shows up uninvited. File for a restraining order to keep him away from you. Next relationship, use better judgment and make sure not to confuse affection and infatuation for love.
 
I disagree. It sounds like he is being manipulative.
Why, because he wants to see a baby that he believes is his? Because he wants to be recognised as the kids dad? How the hell is that crazy? The crazy part is him thinking he is likely to be the dad even though they used condoms. Wanting to have parental rights over the kid you believe you conceived isn't crazy. He isn't manipulating her into anything, he's telling her that he has rights and will ensure he gets them.
 
Also, this guy hasn't done anything to try and make the OP pregnant.
 
Why, because he wants to see a baby that he believes is his? Because he wants to be recognised as the kids dad? How the hell is that crazy? The crazy part is him thinking he is likely to be the dad even though they used condoms. Wanting to have parental rights over the kid you believe you conceived isn't crazy. He isn't manipulating her into anything, he's telling her that he has rights and will ensure he gets them.
The crazy is where he feels he has the right to katniss's affections because he spent money on her; an inappropriate sense of ownership is a huge red flag for abuse. The fact that he's trying to cowboy the husband out of the picture after only 2 months together is just icing on the cake.

Also, this guy hasn't done anything to try and make the OP pregnant.
Perhaps there's a reason he believes the condoms were ineffective. Sure, it's a long shot, but it wouldn't be the first time someone sabotaged birth control.
 
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I just think he's doing what a whole lot of people do when they know the end is coming. They basically start emotionally blackmailing the person into staying in the relationship. This isn't always a malicious thing, or intentionally malicious anyway, they usually think that if the person just stays through this rough patch, things will get better. In this case, the fact he thinks she is carrying his baby just exacerbates his fear of being cut out of her life.

And yeah re the condom thing. I'm also confused/fearful of exactly why he feels the possibility of him being the father is so high. I hope it's because he's bad at Science and/or heavily reliant on the ?coincidence of her suddenly conceiving once he showed up, condom or no condom.
 
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There is the possibility that her husband knew there was something screwy going on and she ignored him, too.

A number of people have said it - this situation was dipped in red flags from the start. The fact that it has spiraled into this bizarre Mexican Stand-Off shouldn't come as a big shock to anyone involved.

As far as paternity and staying with this guy, separate those two topics out entirely.

  1. Paternity: if he wants to have a test done then that is governed by the laws of your area. If it turns out the child is biologically his then he can assert whatever rights he wants to and that the law will allow. This is 100% beyond your control so you might as well just let it go.
  2. Dating Him: this guy is very clearly an unhealthy fellow. I am not personally on the "abuse" bandwagon but it should be painfully evident at this point that he is not going to be an emotionally intelligent partner and should be scraped off of you IMMEDIATELY. But, that is 100% your call.

OP, I hope that you take this as a learning opportunity.
 
Actually, if a child is born in wedlock it is ASSUMED to be the spouse's. So name will automatically be on the birth certificate UNLESS, the husband has questions. After the birth, IF someone says they believe themselves to be the father and sues for paternity test, THEN it can be changed.

In some jurisdictions the husband is always the legal father, no matter who the bio father is. And in some jurisdictions the paternity can be changed in favor of the bio father only if there has been made an official paternity test by the request of the child's mother (not the husband or the bio father!) AND the husband agrees to letting go of his paternal rights.
 
In some jurisdictions the husband is always the legal father, no matter who the bio father is. And in some jurisdictions the paternity can be changed in favor of the bio father only if there has been made an official paternity test by the request of the child's mother (not the husband or the bio father!) AND the husband agrees to letting go of his paternal rights.
That's against human rights and the UN Convention on the Rights of the Child. Not saying it isn't true, just that it violates the child's right to a family.
 
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