Thread: Disentanglement
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Old 07-01-2020, 07:13 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2011
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Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe View Post
I was going to do one of those massive multi-post-quote replies - but my concentration isn't up to it this may be a bit choppy!

As a person (female) who doesn't particularly care about anniversaries and "special" days ALL of the above seems super-stress-y and unnecessary!
And that was more or less communicated on the first few anniversaries and or ď special daysĒ taught him what the expectation is or was. Correct ?

There is a prominent stereotype out there that when a woman says "no really, don't get me anything" what she means is "read my mind and you better get it right!"
I never had that experience she never said donít get me anything. And in the early yrs she expected some sort of a gesture or remembrance.

My husband (and now Dude) know me well enough to know that when I say "I don't care." I meant that I actually, factually, really don't care. Do NOT buy me flowers! (waste of money, they are already DEAD). Do NOT buy me jewelry or perfume (waste of money, I don't wear it). Do NOT buy me chocolate (I don't like it, buy yourSELF chocolate if you want to eat it.)
Makes complete sense and the world would be a better place with more practical and logical people in it.

Dude was shocked that MrS and I had made zero plans for our 20th wedding anniversary (we are amused if one of us actually remembers to say Happy Anniversary!)- so he arranged for us all to go Go-Karting - Yay ! Fun !
To me this is sort of funny too in what different peoples expectations are.

This has nothing to do with the old marriage being dead - and everything to do with a person's preferences. As to the old marriage being "dead" - well, now, that depends on the terms of the marriage. I (and a few other folks on this forum) went into our marriages with the understanding that monogamy and sexual exclusivity was NOT part of the deal. So these are actually two separate issues.
The article and concept of disentangling was for couples that had an established or long standing mono marriage and were taking steps to open the marriage. The old routines and activities are re-evaluated to make room for time spent doing new activities with a new person. Great point on personal preference but couldnít one argue that the path to co- dependency is NOT establishing those preferences whether itís with a spouse on the front end of a marriage about golf or having public sex with a bf/lover Or vis Vera public sex with husband and golf with BF.

In my mind, yes - if I am considering taking up a new interest (with a partner, friend, or by myself) then I consider what, in my life time/money/attention-wise I have to give up (in terms of time, money, etc.) in order to accommodate the new activity.
A very practical and logical position however during the NRE phase people donít always think that way.

I was one of the ones that probably advocated clarifying the finances in terms of his/hers/theirs. To be fair, I don't think that is the "key" but many people seem to "key in" on financial discrepancies as the "root" of their conflict. (i.e. "she spends our/my money on him"). I think money is a a convenient "straw-man" in these conflicts - if you whittle away the objections about financial fairness (by having a defined division of household vs. fun money) they you can winnow problems down to the actual problem.
No ...youíre thinking of a different thread. As far as I remember you did not post on the one I participated on/ the one I linked.

The one I was referring to was wifey got bored with hubby after about 5 yrs ...pushed to open up ...hubby never enthusiastic about this and struggled with her dating multiple men so she decides to ď settle down ď with one guy. The guy she selected just happen to be a broke Unemployed pot smoking Stud. His main talent and job was /is banging her. He continually asks for money and because she doesnít work she has to turn around and ask hubby who not into paying that guy to fuck his wife. Paraphrasing/summarizing.

Recently Hubby either gets tired of his situation or decides to take full advantage of his open marriage and is Motivated to loses weight, buys a new wardrobe...get professional photos done for his dating profile and guess what ...he bags a young hot thing and NOW his wife is seriously threatened by the ď bimbo ď and she wants to quite poly. The money aspect of the thread is hubby has a great job and income and heís pay for wife and friends to go on trips and vacations but wonít do the same for pot smoking Bf. Lots of people were fixated on the money flow from the husband as being the key issue on that thread. I donít think so.
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