Thread: Disentanglement
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Old 07-01-2020, 04:20 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 2,243

I was going to do one of those massive multi-post-quote replies - but my concentration isn't up to it this may be a bit choppy!

Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
... recent thread about the conundrum of an established poly couple where the husband sort of breaking established tradition and asking or expecting to be granted the entire weekend vs the usual solo overnight or date night.
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
..would it be smart and easier to stipulate as part of the disentangling process that either person needs to bother with whatever was “ the usual” when it comes to wedding anniversaries because in actuality the old marriage is dead.
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
I know for myself it would have been freeing in a way because more than once I had to scrabble having slipped on the date. I think my mom called once said congratulations and what were our plans or something and asked what....” oh fuck “ pull the team together and get something done by 6pm so I don’t have to listen to that the rest of my life. ��
As a person (female) who doesn't particularly care about anniversaries and "special" days ALL of the above seems super-stress-y and unnecessary!

There is a prominent stereotype out there that when a woman says "no really, don't get me anything" what she means is "read my mind and you better get it right!"

My husband (and now Dude) know me well enough to know that when I say "I don't care." I meant that I actually, factually, really don't care. Do NOT buy me flowers! (waste of money, they are already DEAD). Do NOT buy me jewelry or perfume (waste of money, I don't wear it). Do NOT buy me chocolate (I don't like it, buy yourSELF chocolate if you want to eat it.)

Dude was shocked that MrS and I had made zero plans for our 20th wedding anniversary (we are amused if one of us actually remembers to say Happy Anniversary!)- so he arranged for us all to go Go-Karting - Yay ! Fun !

This has nothing to do with the old marriage being dead - and everything to do with a person's preferences. As to the old marriage being "dead" - well, now, that depends on the terms of the marriage. I (and a few other folks on this forum) went into our marriages with the understanding that monogamy and sexual exclusivity was NOT part of the deal. So these are actually two separate issues.

Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
The reason I have ladies golf clubs in the garage is my wife thought she wanted to play with me or us as a family. She might have also wanted to be with the corporate big dogs or pretend at charity golf outing but the fact remains her golf clubs her bicycle her skis, an extra kayak was purchased and invested in to further entangle her into something she had minimal interest.
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
Or is it for established couples the practical release from activities that you really didn’t want to do but agreed to out of the lack of something better to do.
Again, to me this seems like an entirely different problem - why in the world would you spend time and money (limited resources) doing ANYTHING that didn't appeal to you?!?! Sure, rent a set of >whatever< and give it a try but to buy gear before you know you love it? Weird. There are any number of things that I am interested in that I don't have time to pursue, I don't really understand why anyone agrees to do things that they didn't want to.

(Perhaps I am fortunate, the boys have no problem going off and doing whatever on their own or with each other - regardless of whether I am interested or not. i like to be given the option, but don't feel any pressure to participate if it doesn't interest me.)

Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
As we all know time is a zero sum game and as we go off and do new and different activities with our new partners should we consider how entangling those activities are ??
In my mind, yes - if I am considering taking up a new interest (with a partner, friend, or by myself) then I consider what, in my life time/money/attention-wise I have to give up (in terms of time, money, etc.) in order to accommodate the new activity.

Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
.. Clearly several member thought that disentangling their finances was going to be the key. I really have doubts about that but I hope she keeps us updated.
I was one of the ones that probably advocated clarifying the finances in terms of his/hers/theirs. To be fair, I don't think that is the "key" but many people seem to "key in" on financial discrepancies as the "root" of their conflict. (i.e. "she spends our/my money on him"). I think money is a a convenient "straw-man" in these conflicts - if you whittle away the objections about financial fairness (by having a defined division of household vs. fun money) they you can winnow problems down to the actual problem.
JaneQ(Me): poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-always-looking" V-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (27+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (9+ yrs)
SLeW: platonic hetero girlfriend and BFF
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.

My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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