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Old 11-22-2013, 03:14 AM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2011
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Originally Posted by Vicarious View Post
That is a good question...We have some residual resentment and unresolved issues in our marriage. Mostly related to communication (which poly has helped us as it has forced us to talk a lot!!), and we both have feelings around the limited intimacy we had over the last few years. She felt pressure to have intercourse and I felt rejected as I wanted sexual intimacy, not specifically intercourse. There are some medical issues and past traumas for her that have created a feeling of panic if someone needs her for their sexual needs. She hasn't had a libido in years (like zero libido), but when I went out and met my lover, her libido came back very strong!

She has felt safe to express her realization that she is more than likely poly, and this has been hard for me to process as I've been as patient as I think I could have been while she work on some of her past issues. But the dynamic that was created from us not connecting as an intimate couple built resentment between us.

So I think my vunerability is that I have wanted to be intimate with her for so very long, and it has taken me having sex with someone else to make that happen again. Now that we are having sex again, she wants to explore with other men. I don't feel secure enough I guess in our marriage to trust that she isn't ultimately exploring sexually with other men because she wants something different. It feeds on some insecurities I have around how satisfying our sex life together has been, giving the limited amount of sexual intimacy we have had for most of our marriage.
This is a thorough analysis and warrants some attention. I respectfully submit that couples therapy may indeed be a logical next step. While you have made some strides on your own - her libido returning and improved communication - I would suggest that the past issues need to be addressed and put to rest. That may take an objective outsider.
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