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Old 03-21-2012, 05:18 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 2,067

Originally Posted by OkNewbs View Post
How long did it take you (I know, every person/relationship/etc is all different) all to become that comfortable??
Well, I think that we had a head-start in a number of areas.

MrS and Dude were already close friends before I even met Dude. Also, Dude was staying with us part-time and his girlfriend at the time would sometimes stay over. So we all were already used to hearing sex-sounds from the next room over (this is a small house with NO sound-proofing). My husband was already used to seeing me be flirty/touchy/kissy with our friends and me being sexual with my girlfriends in the past. So the only thing that was new was seeing/hearing actual sex with another guy and from the very beginning we've had sex all together at times (with both of the guys' attention on me - they are both "straight-but-not-narrow").

From Dude's perspective - at one point he lived in a BDSM house (he isn't kinky but his roommates were) and had some experiences with friends in an "open marriage." From his description this was more swinging/NSA sex/voyeurism than poly (I was surprised to learn that he had never heard the term "polyamory" before he met me).

Originally Posted by OkNewbs View Post
I'm a little nervous about being affectionate, not to mention sexual , with my (future) secondary in front of Hubbs. That is my comfort zone, to just be free, but out of respect for Hubbs, I feel I should reign it in. Does that make sense? I don't want to push anything on him, I mean.
This makes perfect sense. The potential future secondaries will also have their own comfort levels and everyone will need the chance to get to know each other and form their own bonds. Going slow and being mindful of each others responses will help. So yes, you will be nervous and, yes, you will take baby steps and, yes, you will check in with Hubbs and see how he is holding up. ("I was worried that you would be upset when you saw me kiss MrDreamy goodbye last night but you seem to have taken it in stride - are you having any feelings that I should know about? Would you prefer it if we said our goodbyes in the car rather than at the door?")

Originally Posted by OkNewbs View Post
Does that ease come with time in every relationship, or sometimes & sometimes not?
I'd say sometimes/sometimes not - every relationship is different and every person has different comfort levels. There are certainly many successful stories on these forums where people have varying levels of comfort with seeing their partners' interactions with others. My impression is that a lot of people end up getting comfortable with non-sexual displays of affection (hand-holding, brief closed-mouth kisses, hugs). But more than that seems to depend on whether the metamours have developed their own relationship (friend-wise).

Originally Posted by OkNewbs View Post
I feel that what you describe is my ultimate ideal. Having Hubbs, but also a female & possibly also a male secondary & we all get along. All friends, almost to the point of a chosen family. Everything is just... effortless. Ideally. I just wonder if that's truly realistic for everyone?
I don't think that it is realistic for everyone (in fact, it may be completely unrealistic for most people). It may, however, be possible for you personally if that is how things end up. However, I think it is best to try to open yourself up to infinite possibilities and see what happens. Interacting with each person that you meet naturally and seeing what develops and not judging them based on whether or not they are "ideal" potential. I wasn't "looking for" Dude - MrS just brought him home one day and...this is what ended up happening - because of who each of us is and where we are in our lives. If we were different people we wouldn't be us!

JaneQ(Me): poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-always-looking" V-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (26+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (8+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
SLeW: platonic hetero girlfriend and BFF
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.

My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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