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Old 04-23-2013, 01:22 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 2,008

Hello and welcome to the forums - I'm sorry it's because you are in a difficult spot.

From reading your post -

You are married and have been in a monogamous relationship with your wife.
You developed feeling for you best friend.
You tried to suppress the feelings, that didn't work, and you discovered the idea of polyamory
You were honest and disclosed these feeling to you wife and your best friend.
All hell broke loose...

Originally Posted by russianmario View Post
Finally, probably five months ago, I discovered polyamory and it helped me come to terms with my feelings really better understand myself. About three months ago I told A about polyamory and my feelings for K (who, I should mention, is also my wife's best friend). My wife took it hard at first - she very much believes in monogamous relationships and I think it was just hard for her to understand that my feelings for her had not changed. After about a month of talking it out, we decided it was best for me to tell K, if for no other reason than to allow me to move on.
OK, this all sounds fine. You had a conflict within yourself, you found a concept that helped you understand/come to terms with yourself. You were honest with your wife (excellent!) - it was hard but you talked it out (very good!) and came to a decision to share your feelings with K (without expectation that it would necessarily "go" anywhere).

More honesty is more better. Admitting feelings is NOT acting on them. I like that you went to your wife first...and decided together on the best course of action.

Originally Posted by russianmario View Post
That's when everything went to hell. K feels I betrayed her trust and she feels victimized. Despite me trying to explain polyamory to her, she does not understand how it isn't cheating on A.
To make matters worse, K currently lives 4 hours away! I have not had an actual conversation with K for two months. She had also just started to date someone for the first time in several years, so my timing there wasn't great. I tried to explain that I wasn't looking for a relationship right at the moment - I was only looking to either affirm my feelings for her or work on getting over thinking of her in a romantic way.
Because she lives so far away from all of her family and friends, she also felt I isolated her because I had people to talk to about 'the situation'. Because I had just discovered my polyamorous tendencies, I asked her not to talk to our other close friends right away - this didn't help either because she felt more isolated.
To be perfectly honest, K's response seems rather out of proportion to your disclosure (unless there is more to the story). You told her that you have feelings for her, you are not looking to pursue a relationship right this second but you thought she should know. You had your wife's support in the decision to disclose you what is her major malfunction?

She just started to date someone...fine. She can say to you "I have just started dating someone. Even IF I was interested in this "polyamory" concept - now is not a good time. Sorry. No. Let's just go on being friends." You have your answer and life goes on.

OK. You ask her to be discreet and not talk to mutual friends. Apparently she needs to talk to someone about her conflict about what you have disclosed (reasonable) - she doesn't have any "outside" friends? But feeling "victimized" and "betrayed" because someone likes you? "Shocked" maybe..."surprised" and "caught off guard" - but "VICTIMIZED"? That does seem excessive (to me).

Originally Posted by russianmario View Post
Finally (a couple weeks ago), she told me that if things were going to get better, she had to talk to the fourth main member of our group about this. I wanted things to get better - for her and me both - so I said I was ok with it. Now, A and I have to explain to everyone in our group (because now everyone knows) what polyamory is and why it doesn't mean that A is leaving me. A is really upset with the women in our group because now they are all questioning why she's staying with me.
This seems (to me) that this "group" is entirely too caught up in being involved in everyone else's business. So K talked to a 4th person and suddenly everyone in the "group" has a say in your personal life?

Actually, I DO understand...but our group of friends is much more circumspect. They mostly expressed concern that MrS was "really okay" with what was happening - because they care about him. It sucks that your wife has to be the point person, when this wasn't her deal to start with, but the fact is that you haven't DONE ANYTHING WRONG. You had feelings. You were honest with your wife. You talked about stuff.

Originally Posted by russianmario View Post
Q1) Does the community consider it 'coming out' when you have to explain to people that you are polyamorous?
Yes, that is a version of coming out. But it wasn't due to your own decisions, so it sucks. You were "outed"...sorry, now you have to deal with the aftermath.

Originally Posted by russianmario View Post
Q2) A couple of my friends are conservative Christians, and although they say that's not an issue, it most certainly seems like they are taking this pretty hard. Any advice on how to explain how this is ethical non-monogamy?
Some of them (Xtian or not)will, likely, never be able to make the distinction between ethical non-monogamy and cheating. It just doesn't fit their world-view. Sorry

Originally Posted by russianmario View Post
Q3) I don't think this is going to gain me any points with the group but how do I explain that this is a lifestyle choice and not a sexual orientation? (Or have I got that wrong?)
Ah, a much harder question. Some poly's view it as a lifestyle choice and other's feel that it is "hardwired" like a sexual orientation. The jury is still out...(and will likely be "hung" in the end). From my perspective - it doesn't matter, people should be free to structure their relationships as they see fit and it is noone's business but those involved. But I am a bit of an idealist that way...

JaneQ(Me): poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" V-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (25+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (7+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
SLeW: platonic hetero girlfriend and BFF
MrClean: hetero mono male, almost ex-lover-friend, ex-FWBs to SLeW, friends with MrS; live-in with Katniss
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.

My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe

Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 04-23-2013 at 01:31 AM.
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