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Old 04-21-2013, 02:33 AM
russianmario russianmario is offline
New Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 4
Default New and in need of advice

Hello all! I am relatively new to polyamory and need some advice. Here is a quick overview of my situation:
I have been in a relationship with my wife, A, for over eight years (we started dating monogamously in high school). She was my first girlfriend and I am still very much in love with her. But! Over the past five years or so, I have developed romantic feelings for my best friend, K (also female). I have tried for a long time to ignore these feelings - I didn't think they were moral and I didn't want anything to happen to my relationship with my wife. Finally, probably five months ago, I discovered polyamory and it helped me come to terms with my feelings really better understand myself. About three months ago I told A about polyamory and my feelings for K (who, I should mention, is also my wife's best friend). My wife took it hard at first - she very much believes in monogamous relationships and I think it was just hard for her to understand that my feelings for her had not changed. After about a month of talking it out, we decided it was best for me to tell K, if for no other reason than to allow me to move on.
That's when everything went to hell. K feels I betrayed her trust and she feels victimized. Despite me trying to explain polyamory to her, she does not understand how it isn't cheating on A.
To make matters worse, K currently lives 4 hours away! I have not had an actual conversation with K for two months. She had also just started to date someone for the first time in several years, so my timing there wasn't great. I tried to explain that I wasn't looking for a relationship right at the moment - I was only looking to either affirm my feelings for her or work on getting over thinking of her in a romantic way.
Because she lives so far away from all of her family and friends, she also felt I isolated her because I had people to talk to about 'the situation'. Because I had just discovered my polyamorous tendencies, I asked her not to talk to our other close friends right away - this didn't help either because she felt more isolated.
Finally (a couple weeks ago), she told me that if things were going to get better, she had to talk to the fourth main member of our group about this. I wanted things to get better - for her and me both - so I said I was ok with it. Now, A and I have to explain to everyone in our group (because now everyone knows) what polyamory is and why it doesn't mean that A is leaving me. A is really upset with the women in our group because now they are all questioning why she's staying with me.

Ok. I probably (most definitely) left out some major plot points, but hopefully you have enough to give me some advice:

Q1) Does the community consider it 'coming out' when you have to explain to people that you are polyamorous?
Q2) A couple of my friends are conservative Christians, and although they say that's not an issue, it most certainly seems like they are taking this pretty hard. Any advice on how to explain how this is ethical non-monogamy?
Q3) I don't think this is going to gain me any points with the group but how do I explain that this is a lifestyle choice and not a sexual orientation? (Or have I got that wrong?)

I'll probably have more questions, but that's enough for now. Thank you for your help in advance
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