Polyamory activism

Rarechild

New member
I have been doing lots of reading about polyamory online- searching for what I can find of all aspects of the lifestyle. One thing I have noticed and seen mentioned is that polys are slow to be political/vocal/public with their views, beliefs and life situations.

I wonder why this is.

Is it just that polys are too busy/happy/self-actualized to get on a soapbox and make their lifestyle known, or is it something more sinister, like fear or shame? Perhaps it is a lack of organization and leadership.

Do we not feel a need to take our place in literature/culture/media/history because it is needless or because there is no precedent in our current society?

Is this a sign of oppression from the outside or an intentional secret/closed society mindset on our part?

Polys are a very complex minority, based on sexual preference. I know there are many of us out there, but I wonder how many there are who have never been informed and will therefore never identify with this term because it is not very publicly touted as legitimate and deserving of tolerance.

What effect does this secrecy/stigma have on our society? What is our role to bring this beautiful concept into the light to encourage understanding, tolerance and debate?
 
I think it's a complex vs. simple issue IMO......society is still grappling with the rather simple issue of gay vs. straight...now you throw poly into the mix with all of it's combinations/derivations and I think it's a bit overwhelming for most people in society to comprehend/deal with. Maybe in 100 years when some of the simple issues are settled and commonplace, society will be able to grasp and absorb poly more seemlessly? Just a thought.....
 
There are activist polyamorists, but these appear to be a small minority.

It's important to realize that the term "polyamory" is of quite recent vintage, although people have been practicing polyamory for millennia. And there is now a sort of "movement" growing up around this term. The movement is also pretty recent in vintage, and I think it is probably growing rapidly. The "movement" is mainly geared at reducing social stigmatization of "ethical non-monogamy," and educating people about this valid relationship style option (let me know if you come up with a better word than "style") -- and therefore isn't particularly "political" in the usual sense. "The usual sense" being seeking legislative action. But I suspect some legislative action is very much called for when it comes to parental / child cusody rights -- as, apparently, parental polyamory has been used to defeat parents in child custody battles.

We had an active topic here at www.polyamory.com on the subject of a National/International Poly Coming Out Day proposal. It eventually fizzled out. I don't know why.
 
Good questions!

Have you looked into Anarchists and Poly?

When I used to hang out with Anarchists they and I called it Non-monogamy. Now I hang out with a couple and they see it as a very politcial stance. I wonder if Pacifists do to? Hmmm. I would be interested to hear what you come up with.

I think its busyness on my part. Although I live it and am as open as I can be.
 
Polys are a very complex minority, based on sexual preference. I know there are many of us out there, but I wonder how many there are who have never been informed and will therefore never identify with this term because it is not very publicly touted as legitimate and deserving of tolerance.

You don't need to have a label for it to live it.
My hubby and I have lived the poly lifestyle for 8 years, but only recently stumbled upon the term "polyamory". Knowing the name hasn't changed anything about how we live our lives.

For us, we are open about our lifestyle to anyone who asks. And we are happy to explain how we feel about it or how we work our relationship. Perhaps I am wrong, but I don't feel I have to go out there and "preach" about the lifestyle, we simply have to show by example.
 
Is it just that polys are too busy/happy/self-actualized to get on a soapbox and make their lifestyle known, or is it something more sinister, like fear or shame?

Perhaps it is a lack of organization and leadership.?

I am always baffled that people need to declare aspects of their life so publicly. I don't require societal recognition to be happy so I find it hard to sympathize with this concept. Why not direct that energy inwards. I think it is the vocal contingents that are the ones who truly need to feel accepted and therefore have feelings of guilt or shame.

Why any love style would require organization or leadership is beyond me. It is this type of self isolation that makes people wonder about the people involved in movements. Who cares if you can love more than one person or can love only one? I don't see a coalition for the rights of swingers or BDSM, so what is the poly communities need to be recognized and accepted by society as a whole?

Is polyamory seeking legal rights similar to those available to traditional relationships? We'll have to provide some well documented and numerous poly relationships that have proven the test of time before that happens. The administration alone for all the types of declared relationships would be staggering. Not to mention they are so fluid in many cases, the system couldn't keep up.

Get off your soap boxes and just live and love. Stop taking yourself so seriously and trying to spread the word like missionaries and just be.
 
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Perhaps I am wrong, but I don't feel I have to go out there and "preach" about the lifestyle, we simply have to show by example.

I'm with you Ricavaler. Who cares what you call it or even about the word polyamory? The word isn't special, relationships are.

People hung up on words and labels annoy me to crap..find a better way to direct your energy. We're nothing special, complex or a new age movement. The hippies were practicing polyamory way before the word became so mainstream. We're just people. Just like the white picket fence neighbors a lot of us have.
 
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I am always baffled that people need to declare aspects of their life so publicly. I don't require societal recognition to be happy so I find it hard to sympathize with this concept. Why not direct that energy inwards. I think it is the vocal contingents that are the ones who truly need to feel accepted and therefore have feelings of guilt or shame.


This; and it really isn't anyone else's business.
 
Just Be?

You don't need to have a label for it to live it.
My hubby and I have lived the poly lifestyle for 8 years, but only recently stumbled upon the term "polyamory". Knowing the name hasn't changed anything about how we live our lives.

I feel you. I am not talking about labels per se- I am talking about education and tolerance.

I am always baffled that people need to declare aspects of their life so publicly. I don't require societal recognition to be happy so I find it hard to sympathize with this concept. Why not direct that energy inwards. I think it is the vocal contingents that are the ones who truly need to feel accepted and therefore have feelings of guilt or shame.
.....
Get off your soap boxes and just live and love. Stop taking yourself so seriously and trying to spread the word like missionaries and just be.

My motivation for this posting was to further educate myself on the issues surrounding the lifestyle and to hear how others feel about the secrecy that most polys have to maintain to live in peace.

I have noticed many threads on here discussing "coming out" to friends and family, and the difficulty in doing so, mostly due to social stigma and lack of understanding- like any predjudice, violent or damaging reactions to poly are largely based on fear and ignorance of the meaning involved in such a life decision.

For my own part, I have talked to a few friends about my thoughts and feelings on the subject, and have had to do so with much patience, caution and myth-busting, if you will.

I certainly don't want to broadcast my sexual endeavors to the public in order to validate them- I just cringe at the fact that from what I'm hearing, most of us have to be very clandestine for the benefit of others who would misunderstand or judge. Is that fair or just how it is currently?

There is also the fact that had I understood polyamory in the context of my own life as a legitimate, respectable life choice, I could have saved myself some difficult and painful personal conflicts.

I wonder why I never realized the pure and simple fact that poly is an available choice for those who choose it- I think the answer , for me, is that I had a lot of preconceived notions, social norms I felt tied to, and no community or available information from which to learn that this is, in fact, a beautiful way to live for those who choose it, and not some deviant, threatening fantasy.

I also think that poly-minded people have many very valuable lessons to teach that have nothing to do with sex or sexual choice, that have to do with evolved and honest human relationships in general.

Why any love style would require organization or leadership is beyond me. It is this type of self isolation that makes people wonder about the people involved in movements. Who cares if you can love more than one person or can love only one? I don't see a coalition for the rights of swingers or BDSM, so what is the poly communities need to be recognized and accepted by society as a whole?

Is polyamory seeking legal rights similar to those available to traditional relationships? We'll have to provide some well documented and numerous poly relationships that have proven the test of time before that happens. The administration alone for all the types of declared relationships would be staggering. Not to mention they are so fluid in many cases, the system couldn't keep up.

On the leadership- I think that it is a needed thing to defeat stigma and discrimination, and also to provide good information to people seeking to understand choices different from their own. I started thinking about this when there was a debate on whether or not to post the Newsweek article on Facebook-my own trepidation as well as others- and thought it was kind of sad that poly is so unacceptable that we have to keep it hidden from our friends and family in even the smallest ways.

One of the most precious things to me about poly is the open, honest value system- and I don't want to achieve that in my private life only to set myself up to be part of another secret I don't feel I can share for fear of loss in my public life.

As to the legal issues- the nature of marriage as it relates to domestic partnerships/custody rights/health care issues in general is being re-evaluated and debated from many standpoints-why not ours? Why would we have to wait 100 years to be open about who we are and not be penalized for it?

These are all questions that will be answered by each individual according to their convictions.

Maybe "activism" is too loaded a term. Perhaps I should have named the thread "Polyamory Education" or something less threatening such as "Own your own Poly."

:)
 
I think the secrecy issue has more to do with the individuals involved than with the poly society on the whole.

We as a couple are of the opinion that if people do not accept us as we are, they are not worthy to be part of our lives. We are open, if they don't like it, they know where to find the door. Others may not want to risk losing people close to them, and so prefer to stay 'in the closet'.
 
I am always baffled that people need to declare aspects of their life so publicly. I don't require societal recognition to be happy so I find it hard to sympathize with this concept.

Good grief! Have you no sense of the tremendous difficulty, legal and social, that social prejudice can wreck on people's lives, Mono-?

What is a "public declaration," anyway? Should I never tell anyone that I have a boyfriend, a life partner of the same sex? If I do, am I seeking special attention that straight people aren't seeking when they say, "I'm going on vacation with my wife"? Are you not aware that another stigmatized group, gay people, have had to make lots of "public declarations" to achieve the relatively higher level of social acceptance and legal equality that we now have?

How about those poly folks who lose their kids in child custody cases because they are polyamorous? What of those poly folk who keep mum at work for fear of losing their jobs?-- or not being hired in the first place? Or fear telling family? Isn't that a social issue in need of some sort of "activist" response?

Millions and millions of gay people, in their youth, kept their orientation a secret -- with often disasterous personal consequences --, due to social prejudice. Only when the "gay community" organized and became "activist" could millions more gay kids have it so much easier, as they do today. Those gay kids deserve to "publically declare" their lives and loves as much as the straight kids do, don't they? To do otherwise is to hide and tell lies and to live the suffering of lies and hiding.

I think the analogy is a good one. Closets deform and harm people. Period. And no one should be forced to dwell there.
 
It is a largely fluid process, being poly...... and very few people even on this board can agree on a single definition or term. How is the public to see this? It will all just be confusing to the masses who aren't poly. Again, I don't think we need a giant poly day parade. I don't think actvism is the right word, maybe education...and if some sort of equal rights issues come about to enforce child custody decisions or provide for healthcare on a grand scale to huge numbers of the population, then indeed legislation and actvism will be needed and will come about just as gay rights have. The point of my previous post.

I can also see Mono's altruistic side in that he doesn't need to stand out and make a scene for anybody. He just wants to live his life with his love and enjoy the journey. No need for activism there. No need to puff his chest out and march thru town declaring what he is! Right Mono? We love you just as you are, er...well RP does, anyway!

I must admit, I get a certain charge (for about a millisecond) out of seeing my own ideas/writing put into print out in public on this board, but it really doesn't carry the importance of a grain of sand in the big scheme of my life whether anyone knows or cares about how I live my life.
 
I must admit, I get a certain charge (for about a millisecond) out of seeing my own ideas/writing put into print out in public on this board, but it really doesn't carry the importance of a grain of sand in the big scheme of my life whether anyone knows or cares about how I live my life.

The heart of activism is going to bat for an idea larger than yourself, knowing that through your boldness you can change the world for the better, educate, make someone else's life easier, contribute to the evolution of a government, minority or cause because you feel the issues and people involved are misunderstood or undervalued.

And Mark- it makes a difference in my life that you voice your opinions and insights on this forum- take a look at how many people have viewed the posts you've participated in (members AND guests-whoever they may be and whatever they came here for) and you will see that you have already inadvertently made an impact greater than you may imagine.
 
The heart of activism is going to bat for an idea larger than yourself, knowing that through your boldness you can change the world for the better, educate, make someone else's life easier, contribute to the evolution of a government, minority or cause because you feel the issues and people involved are misunderstood or undervalued.

WELL SAID, RARECHILD!

Activism isn't a bad word. It is'nt about grandstanding or attention-seeking. It's a gift we give to others, mainly. And to our communities.
 
Thank you for the kind words, Rarechild....I appreciate them.

You and James are not wrong in your comments, in fact they are perfect.....and I am not wrong in mine, either. I simply am happy where I am in this life as Mono and probably a few others on here are also. Those of us content in our existence, see no need for changing government or society's way of thinking, or having a parade. That's best left to a younger group with more energy or more cause for battling discrimination in their lives.

I do love to educate and disseminate information, however. Hence, my love for these boards. They have been fantastic and I bet we've touched a lot of lives on here, whether we know it or not. Perhaps it's the simplest form of activism there is? Maybe we can invoke a quiet poly revolution? lol
 
Poly Day Parade!!!!!!
Feel the loves!

Seriously though, I hate to disagree with my brilliant, well spoken, gorgeous wife, but I do on this one. I think there's a lot of information out there for those who want to know. Those who would judge without that information aren't worth my time. That said, some of those uninformed schmucks may come in the form of divorce layers or child custody advocates. But bigotry will exist regardless of well intentioned and motivated activists. I think the key is to live your life openly and communicate every chance you get with those who would disagree. Because, let's face it, they're wrong. People don't go from gay-basher to tolerant because of an activist campaign. They meet someone who they respect and admire as a person, find out they're gay and realize the error of their ways. Or not.

Already designing Poly Day T-Shirts,
catfish
 
But bigotry will exist regardless of well intentioned and motivated activists. I think the key is to live your life openly and communicate every chance you get with those who would disagree.

I'm not seeing a dichotomy with Parade-and-Banner-Enthusiasts on the one hand and I'll-Just-Quietly-Do-My-Thing folks on the other, and so, Catfish, I don't think you and your wife are locked in disagreement.

One of the most powerful "activist" things any of us can do is let the people in our lives know that we're living the kinds of lives we are, open to multiple loves, or not, gay or not, bi or not..., honestly and openly ourselves, without fear or shame.

But when the fear is justified by bad public policy, that policy needs changing, and as ALL previous social justice movements have demonstrated, change doesn't happen exclusively on the legislative arm of society. There is also the social and cultural "milieu" to contend with -- and social changes often preceed legislative ones.
 
Every one has valued points in this for sure. I respect that.

I am just going to accept that I just enjoy my life and don't want or expect anything beyond simply sharing love. I can work that into societal norms and if individuals don't like how I live my life they won't be included into it.

I'm very black and white; Your in or out, accept or don't, I'd love to get to know you, but if I don't it will have little on my happiness.

This isn't about staying in the closet..I'm certainly not. It's about not feeling that I am in a closet at all..that is where the self generated isolation comes from. Just be proud and happy.

This also isn't about sitting back and letting others pave a path for me. I'm not on anyones path but my own and Redpepper's. I don't care what group I get lumped into because of the dynamic in my love life. I'm in my own group, the only paving that happens on my path is done with the people in my life.

Politics and movements just aren't my thing...I'm bowing out on this one.
 
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I think it has to do, in large part, with not having any real agenda to push. Concerns about backlash from employers and such is part, yes. I just think the major part is that we don't have anything we want to push.

It's just like being Pagan. Aside from being Pagan, what do Pagans have in common that they might want to push for? Pagans come in every political stripe and have highly varied beliefs, as one would expect from the myriad religions that are grouped under the Pagan umbrella.

Poly folk likewise have different religious backgrounds and beliefs and different political philosophies. What would we hope to achieve by organizing?
 
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