He can't seem to do this right... Am I unreasonable?

TeJoKo

New member
My boyfriend is seeing a new girl and he has been neglecting my feelings, making me feel left out and not even giving me the comfort of our routines.
We've had a lot of long talks over it and the other day I thought i made it pretty clear that I expect him to pay attention to me like he usually does. I named specifically spending time with me after work and the alone time we have after my husband has gone to bed.
Well, last night my husband and I went to a hotel to get away for a couple nights and my boyfriend asked me if it was okay with me if he saw the girl. It's caused a lot of problems lately so he's been asking my permission, which I will not deprive him of, it's not my way. So, they payed for a hotel room themselves and stayed the night there.

We have said good night to each other every night for the past 2 years. Last night he forgot... Just forgot. There have been other times I have been with my husband away and my boyfriend still at least texts me good night or calls for a minute. ... I just don't understand, even with the NRE, how he could forget such a thing. ... I texted him before I went to bed, but he was already asleep.

I cried last night because of this, and ha a hard time getting to sleep. When I talked to him about it he had all these excuses that just don't excuse anything. I had to ask him specifically if he had sex and just fell asleep, which is the ONLY excuse I would accept. He hesitated before saying yes... He ALWAYS seems to think that the things I need to hear the most are going to be the things to hurt me the most, so he won't say them.
So, again he comes to the conclusion that he just shouldn't see her because he can't do this right.
I don't want him to not see her. I just want him to not forget about me in the process.

Am I being unreasonable?

On a side note, why does everything go wrong at once? This new thing of his is really hurting me... then my computer craps out last night and needs replaced, and my glasses just broke today. LOL
 
Is this his first other girlfriend since you started dating? He may just be feeling NRE for the first time while still being in a relationship and not really knowing how to balance his time and emotions yet. You have every right to still want him to give you the same affection as always, not unreasonable at all. But if this is new to him, I'd suggest just try not to take his NRE personally for now, I'm sure he's trying his best :)
 
my husband was forgetting about me a little, and I had to tune him up about it...and now things are good. I think we all, tend to get really excited about NRE, when going through it. I also think it's a time of crazy thinking, where you can't function normally. Seems as this is quite normal, a phase we go through, try to enjoy it...those emotions will pass :) Candi
 
Short answer ? Yes, totally unreasonable.

He forgot once in two years, and you are riding his ass over it ? How about you show a little compassion, and acknowledge the fact that you had a damn good streak, and how great it was that you went 2 YEARS .

If he started forgetting even 3 out of 7 days a week, that would be the time to ask what is going on, and see if its just NRE, or it could simply be him learning how to juggle and manage time....

It`s called a transition. Give him the benefit of the doubt. Crying over it, seems like manipulative behaviour. Especially to cry, then state you will only 'accept' one excuse.

I read your other posts. For someone who wants to disassociate herself from any 'stereotypical female behavior' this is in total contrast to your objectives.



Since this all probably sounds harsh, here is a small gentle reminder; You know how things become routine and not as meaningful when they are forced ?
If you were to get flowers everyday, because it was a expectation on your part, would it mean as much to you, as to receive them from free will ?

Don`t be so afraid of losing something, that you jump at every minor difference. Clutching to hard just tends to choke the life out of a relationship.
 
Yes, Superjast, that did seem a little harsh.

TeJoKo, I'm sure that it's NRE, and I'm sure some of it is also that he's nervous about hurting you. The more things that go wrong, the worse he's going to feel, the more nervous he gets. Try to take a deep breath and come from a calm place, because getting upset will make it worse. Think of it as building a stable base for him to go out into the world from, and to come back to. Getting those goodnight texts and calls are important to you, so let him know that, but make sure that you stay calm and state it in a non-judgemental way. And actually, I've found that sometimes when they expect you to be upset and you're not, the message gets through even clearer.

And even though I felt that Superjast was harsh, I have to say, it sounds--reading between the lines--that there's more going on here, for you. I think it might be helpful to take some time to yourself and get some clear headspace. I'm getting the feeling that you're feeling more insecurity than you might realize. It's worth checking out.
 
Having read a few posts by you T, I get the feeling that you are in need of a change and that is one of being appreciated a bit more... I'm wondering if this is the man that has a bit of a hate on for women. or is it the hubby? Doesn't matter, it sounds like all of you need to take better care of yourselves and each other and more over you need to take better care of yourself by the sound of it.

Sure, he fucked up and wasn't aware of your need to say good night even if he was with someone else. He probably didn't out of respect to her. Sounds like some boundary negotiation to work out there... the thing is that doing some stuff to benefit you personally on your own might be a good place to start in dealing with his possible NRE. There is nothing more attractive than a confident woman. If you embrace working on yourself and communicating your needs then he surely will take notice and respect that you have some...

Eventually the girlfriend will be more a part of your life too I would think. Perhaps making sure you get a good start and get going on being firm but kind when it comes to boundaries would ease the process for all of you. This should encourage all the others too.

Good luck and stay strong.
 
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expectations...

I really didn't see a need to be so aggressive SuperJast, it would seem you read her previous comments, and now expect her to be some uber bitch all the time. People encouraged her to be more vulnerable here, she's doing that now and instead of simply giving her advice, you throw her comments in her face, less to help her, and more to express your dissatisfaction with her views.

Just seemed unnecessary.

but as I said TeJoKo, you have every right to feel that way :)
 
I may not have put it as bluntly as SJ but I feel you are being unreasonable as well. To everyone out there, that disagrees, she did ask that very question. From her description of the story that is what I get, I was not there and so cannot say with 100% accuracy what happened, I am just going on what TeJoKo has posted.

I am seeing unreasonable in the sense that you are not letting your reason work through this problem and are letting your emotions take over completely. You have a right to feel those emotions but you also have a responsibility to not allow those emotions to overtake your reason. It is normal for you to feel upset and slighted when someone doesn't do something that you expect them to. However, not accepting his reasons, like he just plain forgot, is the unreasonable part. You have to cut him a little slack if the new relationship is going to work. Think about if it was you. Really think, don't just automatically say that you wouldn't forget about any of the little things. Think about when you first started seeing your husband or your boyfriend. Did anything at all get put by the wayside?

I understand that you are feeling jealous and upset and I totally get that, I have been there. What I've learned from it is that if you let that emotion rule your relationship, it can and often does destroy exactly what you are trying to protect.
 
Raze : I can understand that opinion, really I can. Part of me wants to 'reassure' her too.

I hope her intention IS to vent, and find a place where she can be happy again. To be vulnerable, and let go of her hate. Stop brow beating and nit-picking. Find security in the people she loves and trust them.

After all, its what we all want in our relationships.

I won`t however, play part in a double standard. She has received the same dose of medicine any male would, if they came to a forum with a Mysoginistic attitude. In fact, if a male had said those things, he would of been run off......quickly too.

I see what she said in other posts, tying-in directly to what she said today, on this thread. It is a example of things she has admitted to. THAT is why I have mentioned both.

If everyone else wants to pat her head, and tell her her attitude is ok,..well thats up to them.

Sometimes life calls for sugarcoating, and sometimes it doesn`t. I don`t see this as a time to sugarcoat things, so I stand behind my words.

I do so, because I remeber my 20`s,..and the anger,..and the venom over unjust things in the world.....and I know that I hated the blunt opinions given to me at the time, by the 30-somethings who had been there, done that, and now knew better.
I vaguely remember the hand-holding and comforting I received while I did the ' You don`t know me ! ' and the ' I am so sick of the media,...blah blah blah,..' talks.

The counsel received in blunt form, sure rang true later on in life. Sometimes words sting in a good way.

As they will continue to do so. What I know at 34, will not be what I know at 44. Thank goodness for that. I hope I am pushed to think about my actions .( just as you are doing to me right now.)
Since I have been here since Feb, with only 200-ish posts, I`m not exactly one to run around trying to bend everyone to my way of thinking.

While sunshine and butterflies are nice, they don`t tend to get to the heart of the matter. One day when some make-up`d girl with fashion accessories is kicking her ass up and down both sides of a mountain, she`ll have that awakening.


As for being a uber bitch,..not at all. I hadn`t even THOUGHT that. She asked if she is being unreasonable. I said yes, she is.
 
What's "right", "reasonable", and what you want in a relationship aren't the same things. Don't worry about "doing it right" or "being unreasonable". Just ask for what you want (in this case, a nightly text), and your partner then gets to agree or not. If he doesn't agree, or agrees and then fails to come through, reevaluate the relationship. But it's not about what is right or reasonable outside of your individual relationship.
 
It is normal for you to feel upset and slighted when someone doesn't do something that you expect them to. However, not accepting his reasons, like he just plain forgot, is the unreasonable part. You have to cut him a little slack if the new relationship is going to work. Think about if it was you. Really think, don't just automatically say that you wouldn't forget about any of the little things. Think about when you first started seeing your husband or your boyfriend.

this, I agree... I am assuming you agreed that his seeing her was okay by you and that he didn't force the issue? These things need negotiating. It's just a matter of starting that and keeping at it. There will be far more emotional things to handle... this is just a matter of understanding one anothers requests and a little reminder of expectations no?
 
I understand that, but I'm not sugarcoating either, I gave her the same advice, to not take his NRE personally, but I didn't have to back her in a corner to do so. This was NOT about her view of women, and she said that she had already been feeling neglected, the "goodnight" seems to me to simply be the straw that broke the camel's back.

and I have no issue with bluntness, I just dont think her posts on 1 thread should now follow her everywhere else she posts. Talk about it there or in PM...
 
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