View Single Post
Old 05-30-2010, 01:53 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: New England USA
Posts: 1,231

Originally Posted by dragonflysky View Post
I'm quite new to the concept of polyamory. Had never heard of it until about 6 months ago.

My concern, however, is that I'd always feel like the odd person out. That it wouldn't be an "equal" relationship. That I would be the one making most of the compromises.

Now....I understand that no one can make me do anything...including compromising. At the same time I'm not clear on how relationship dynamics work in polyamorous relationships. I realize they can vary, as can monogamous relationships, but I've been exposed to far more examples of monogamy than polyamory. I want to be "fair" and "reasonable". But I don't want to feel like I'm the one doing most of the compromising.
Hi Dragonfly,

A thought or two here...............

1> on entering an existing relationship - i.e. your comment about 'odd person out'...........
You ARE the odd person out - at first ! Just like the new person in ANY situation, social, work (new job) etc. It's part and parcel of the process. So you know that phase doesn't last forever if it's a good fit. And if it does seem to be lingering beyond what's acceptable to you it probably means time to move on because it's NOT a good fit. Like I say - think of it in a job perspective and it may make the whole process make more sense. It's the standard model. No big deal. Just because it's in the framework of some fancy, previously unknown context (polyamory) doesn't change basics.

2> Two references in one post about 'compromise' - and fear of it. Does that call out anything to you ? Maybe some competitive/comparison element ?
This is something we talk endlessly about. In the culture we live in where competition is hawked as the be all/end all to living, when we start swimming in these waters we soon discover that that is a faulty approach/model. What works here is COOPERATION ! There will be plenty of circumstances that arise that will call to this competitive fever we're infected with and we have to reach for the cooperative asprin ! It's a new skill (medicine) for many. Get well acquainted with it

The way beautiful, multi-partner relationships are built is on a foundation of 'cooperation'. A seeking of the greatest good for the greatest number. It does sometime involve compromise. We don't always get to have things all our way. But the odd thing is, is that we often end up with something far greater than we expected in the first place, only that it may have not been part of our vision at all ! Be open, be aware, be ready to be pleasantly surprised by subtle little gems you may never have known existed !

So yes - it is new (to you), so be open to learn and willing to throw out a LOT of old assumptions you've accumulated along the way. In this world many of them simply do not apply. It's a whole new physics

Reply With Quote