Being Open about Being Open

Flowerchild

New member
I posted this as a comment in a thread, but would like to isolate here for more general comments.

I belong to a pretty active poly community in a major city (not going to specify). After researching, this particular group appears to be the only active community in the city for younger people (there's one other for older, married couples, not intentionally, just so happens that most of the members seem to be such).

I have not been able to get to any of the meetups or such for the one group, as they tend to be in the suburbs or places you need to drive, but as for the one in the city....of all the people I've met, NONE are open about it, save for a few close friends, perhaps some family...

I, mean, not a single person. Now, I don't know them all, maybe some are. But I've also never, in passing, met someone who said, "Oh, by the way, I'm poly" or even, "I'm dating this married woman." The only open relationship I've heard of, really, has been Newt Gingrich. Every time I've explained to someone I'm poly, they get confused (apart from my one friend with a swinger friend. she had to have poly explained, but was able to understand much quicker, though she is still impressed I've chosen a "complicated" situation, instead of a nice single guy.) I've even had someone from my poly group tell me, "But wouldn't it be better if Such and such were single?" I can't make him understand his marital status is truly not important to me (aside from his wife makes him happy). And he's POLY (though he's started admitting he's not "really" poly, just sort of open, actually, not even sure if he really WANTS to be open.)

As an example, I started a polyamory facebook page, just for fun, invited a few, but, as i sent it out to friends, added, "If you don't want to join, I won't be offended," assuming, as it turned out accurately, that most would be hesitant to openly support polyamory. Most of my friends got back to me with, "I'd love to, but I don't want my family or friends asking me questions, and I'd rather not have to lie to them...." Totally understood. Heck, I won't even publicly like my own page because I'm not ready.

What I want to know is, who is completely open about their poly lifestyle. As in, if I went to a family gathering with you there, and I went up to your aunt and told her about my married girlfriend with the caveat, "but it's okay, we're poly like So and So," would get a response like, "Oh, well, that's cool. So, what do you do for a living?" Or if I were to have a birthday party, I could invite you and your various SOs (attached or not) and introduce them to my friends. Or, you put, "It's complicated" as your Facebook status ;)
 
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We are. There are others on here who are as well. There are at least two fb groups I am in that while the groups are private, many of the members are not. It is in my "about me" on my fb that I am poly. I regularly post lovey dovey and sexual content to Maca's fb and GG's as well.
Most of my online friends are poly and out as well. Though on the whole they tend to all be in Western Canada (Vancouver area) and Washington state.

I have a professor at school who is.

Maca and GG are out to coworkers as well (I dont work).
 
FYI, Gingrich was not in open or poly relationships. He is your stereotypical serial cheater. And people do somehow seem to understand that more readily than ethical non-monogamy of whatever flavor (poly, open, swinging).

If you search for coming out you may find some thoughtful threads on why and when or if people chose to be out and poly proud.
 
I'm open an always have been. Family, friends, coworkers all know. Now while my ex and I were poly, I no longer talk to him so I don't advertise the fact that I still am to him because I don't need any baby daddy drama from him. My 14 year old knows, we don't hide it from my younger sob (j spends the night sometimes) but we also don't talk to him about it
 
Sorry :p

FYI, Gingrich was not in open or poly relationships. He is your stereotypical serial cheater.

I meant that to be more sarcastic, and, that was a bit my point, that that is what people think of when you say "open marriage" and "poly" when the truth is, well, CAN be, much different. Truthfully there are people who use the guise of poly to cheat or replace partners. But I'd like to think that represents a small minority.
 
Well, I don't tell people with whom I merely associate, but are not friends. However, if I were monogamous I wouldn't share details about the relationship either.

A lot of my former coworkers (I just changed jobs) with whom I became close know. It was a big shrug for them. My mom knows, but she had poly tendencies herself. I have other family that learned about it directly from me after after a cousin decided to spread rumors. I told them straight out. Decided they could accept me or not. They accepted. Shrug.

I guess for me it depends on the degree of closeness - but as I said, I wouldn't talk about a mono relationship with most people either.
 
Bookbug-we are similar. We dont wear signs saying we are poly. But we live in a small community. People see me holding hands or kissing one or the other guy in public and questions arise.
We answer.
But usually we just say open or alternative relationship style because its too much wasted time trying to explain poly to every random store clerk who inquires.
If they are closer acquaintances I will add, "google polyamory".
Gives them food for thought.

But it is certainly not secret. Anyone who doesnt know is blatantly trying to avoid the info. Cause its all over fb and our social network of friends most of whom are mono.
 
We were out, and almost everyone knew--including my oldest baby. Did I just tell every random clerk at Waitrose or the server at Clos Maggiore? No. Only people who mattered or played a significant role in my life. There were quite a few people who did not know like people on the job (could not lose my livelihood), grands and great-grands, etc. It would have been no issue to mention poly to certain people. We were out but not shoving it down people's throats.

Things have changed quite drastically now. We are no longer open/out and never will be again. My DH has now flat out refused to be out. He took it another step and said that he did not want our children to ever be associated with or around poly again. During counselling, he told me that I was free to do what the hell I wanted but that I could not and would not drag him or our children down that path they never wanted to go down in the first place. He is the mono partner, but sadly, he and my baby paid the price for what was basically my and my ex's decision to be out. With this decision, my loved ones have dismissed that part of my life like it was a phase and filed it under DND; do not discuss.
 
Bookbug-we are similar. We dont wear signs saying we are poly. But we live in a small community. People see me holding hands or kissing one or the other guy in public and questions arise.
We answer.
But usually we just say open or alternative relationship style because its too much wasted time trying to explain poly to every random store clerk who inquires.
If they are closer acquaintances I will add, "google polyamory".
Gives them food for thought.

But it is certainly not secret. Anyone who doesnt know is blatantly trying to avoid the info. Cause its all over fb and our social network of friends most of whom are mono.

I notice that you and I do share some similar philosophies. :). I suppose it really does help that I don't care what others think about me. (INTJ here.) That said, I am not going to make an issue of it either, by telling more than mere acquaintances need to know. :p

And while I have not had this happen, if I told someone and that person could not accept it, then I don't need them anyway.
 
I am as open as I am lazy. I just don't tell people but I don't hide it. I don't treat it as something special and people see what people see. Anyone that I call friend knows.. Everyone else is just passing through.

Family is different I am very open with those I care to keep in touch with

That said I am also not really a part of the poly community.. Too much work.. Too many politics and just not my thing. I have friends some poly some not. Who knows maybe if I was in Victoria where a lot of my poly friends are that might have changed. But in the end..I don't do meetings or meetups.. Too organized and I this community too structured.
There also seems to be an expected set of ressponsibilities when poly and part of the community. So far out of the scope of what I want.. I avoid it.
 
It's not about telling people, it's about not hiding

Well, I don't tell people with whom I merely associate, but are not friends. However, if I were monogamous I wouldn't share details about the relationship either.

Yes, but if you were monogamous, people would KNOW your relationship status. I mean, the entire world? No. But your friends and family.

You can easily hide being poly if you're, say, dating people from OKC, but nothing serious. Or if you're poly by nature, but not by practice. But if you're, say, dating a married couple, well, it becomes very different.

Either you hide that you're with someone, you come out to a select few, or you say, screw it, and just let anyone who crosses your path know...but, whatever you do, I mean, surely it gets tricky?
 
Yes, but if you were monogamous, people would KNOW your relationship status. I mean, the entire world? No. But your friends and family.

You can easily hide being poly if you're, say, dating people from OKC, but nothing serious. Or if you're poly by nature, but not by practice. But if you're, say, dating a married couple, well, it becomes very different.

Either you hide that you're with someone, you come out to a select few, or you say, screw it, and just let anyone who crosses your path know...but, whatever you do, I mean, surely it gets tricky?

People *assume* everyone is mono. That is the default societal norm. I *don't* know nor do I assume others I see are mono. If I was mono in a mono society, then yes, their assumption is going to be correct.

I think of it like religion. I am an atheist. I live in the Bible Belt. I have had very sweet, devout Christian old ladies assume I share their beliefs. When they tell me they will pray for me if I am faced with a challenge, I accept their offering with the intent intended. I don't tell them their offering means nothing because i don't believe in God. Why would I do that? they are showing compassion. That is all that counts to me.

So yes, if you were mono people would assume correctly; if you are not they will assume incorrectly.

If I were dating a married couple - and I have - we kept it under wraps to the neighbors, because the children were too young to understand if one of the parents freaked and didn't allow their children to play with the couples' any longer. In that case there could have been consequences that the kids couldn't handle. When the three of us were out somewhere no one knew us, and the kids would not be exposed to attitudes they couldn't cope with, then we went on display.

So I would say pick and choose depending on the circumstance. Me? I have no problem dealing with other people's ignorant views if I must, but I certainly wouldn't put children in a position to have to deal (these children were young 8 and 10), nor would I endanger my job. After that, yeah, it is everybody else's problem; not mine.
 
I am, though to be truthful when I was in a professional position in a smaller town, I was not comfortable with the idea of being out. My family knows (was somewhat easy because of swinging experience/chronic cheatiness - wasn't too worried about judgement). My husband was always out (20+ years poly) at work and in life, and when I met his parents I was married to my ex still. He was a bit reluctant to use the open relationship status on FB because he has a lot of professional contacts there, but decided to go ahead and start labeling our relationship as such last month.

The only odd thing is that we've moved from owning to renting in the last couple weeks. I have a partner that is needing some extra support and he's been over every day this week - neighbors on all sides have seen him over (perhaps heard :confused:), and it's a bit odd, I think our lease says something about not doing "immoral" things on the premises...it's a pretty liberal area but I've been paranoid about just how that can be translated by a court if the landlord has an issue (he lives nearby, and talks to the neighbors).

I've been considering on my sewing/quilting blog starting mentioning making things for partners/boyfriends whatever, instead of having to phrase things oddly... not that it'd be noticeable to many, but my MIL reads it and for all I know she's assumed we've become monogamous - but I don't like being dodgy - and my husband DID live with them with two of his girlfriends at one time so I'm sure she wouldn't be too scandalized.

I do know that although I always kinda got that "my partner's family doesn't know I'm their partner/how much I mean to them" was hard, I never actually GOT it until this week, when some horrible shit has gone on in the local community with the loss of a metamour. I want to recognize my partners as such where I can, and to be recognized - feeling a bit wishful that my partners were out to their families - feeling somewhat committed to not being involved with anybody new who isn't out, so if things get serious, I know I can be included if something fucked up happens - being out sure makes that feel more possible.
 
We are fairly new to all of this BUT I don't think we will be coming out public - a few close people know - one is poly them selves and that has been a great thing for me - to have someone I KNOW to talk with.

I would love to be able to have an open relationship (ie be able to go out and show affection to my BF) but it would be too hard on my family and in our community to ostracize us.
 
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