Buying a house as one arm of a V - pitfalls, suggestions

Monogamish1

New member
Discussing a move and buying house as an arm of a VEE, while other arm is married

I'm single - mono
P - former/potential partner, married, poly yet essentially mono to me
PW - p's wife, poly

P is looking at an out of state move for a dream job.
I own my home, would keep it for son to live in or as a rental & a home I could come back to if needed.
P and PW own their home.
Still no clue to if PW would move him with and they sell current home, stay & still have him send $ home, stay & support herself, or what. He hasn't pushed issue, yet. ("She doesn't like change")

I am willing to move with him (not live with her, regardless if she moves or not). Rents in new town are out of my price comfort range, but home-ownership isn't, even on my own income/resources.

He would like to co-mingle funds and purchase a nicer home than I can afford on my own.

Has anyone else in similar situation purchased real estate?
What do you see as risks?
Ways to mitigate risks?
Suggestions?
 
I would be extremely uncomfortable co-buying a house with him while he's married. If that marriage dissolves, then his assets become assets to split in a divorce, and you lose. Period.

In your blog, you suggested buying a house on your own. I'd recommend going that route, if you can, then maybe have P help with expenses. He's paying into it, so he's vested, but the name on that mortgage and title are YOURS.

I'd also be hesitant to move without more detail about what's going on (P's wife not liking change wouldn't be a valid way of ending the conversation for me).

Good luck, but protect yourself!

Edited to add:
Disclaimer - I bought my own home after my divorce, and at this point (over 2 years out), I will NEVER comingle assets again, so I'm a little biased. My P is good with that, so it works out. :)
 
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Don't do it.. She will be entitled to half your comingled assets .
 
Yes divorce laws will not recognize your investment unless your name is on the deed. Even then, as the previous commenter stated, if it is his and your name on the house, and they divorce, his portion would be up for grabs. If you cannot afford to buy them out and pay the house payment yourself, you could be forced to sell. Or if you can't sell (downturn in the economy, messy divorce ties up the asset and you can't maintain the payments alone - hopefully your guy would continue to help, but divorce ties up a lot of ones money and he may not be able to) then you could plain lose your investment if foreclosure is the result.

No matter how well-intentioned your guy is, you have to consider these worst case scenarios.
 
Even aside from assets, I'd be leery of putting his name on the mortgage as well... If you go through the preapproval process with both your salaries counting as income (yes, they'll take his other assets into account, but still...), and he is unable to continue to pay in, then you're stuck with a mortgage you can't afford.

Lots of risk here. You could potentially either be stuck holding on to a house you can't afford and maybe can't sell (depending on the market), or losing the house altogether.

Intentions (on P's part) are great, but if we could count on them, I think the divorce rate would be zero. Make sure you have something to fall back on in case of emergency.

ETA: Ah, Bookbug already said that. Oopsie! :eek:
 
Plus your relationship with P seems to cause you a lot of angst.

It seems like one heck of an emotional roller coaster .

Plus what if PW decides to follow? What if she wants to come visit for extended periods .

My relationship with Murf is in its second year. I live with him almost half of the month. I contribute to both households. But we do not comingle assets. I do not want to put him at risk if Butch and I were ever to divorce .
 
It sounds like too much stress for me. Especially with him being unclear as to if his own wife would even move with him or not. There seems to be some tension there that I wouldn't want to be in the middle of. If you can manage it, move on your own to a rental so that you're not committed to this until you're sure.
 
I wouldn't do it for the reasons stated above. Too much risk.
I am the hinge in a V (and married).
We do comingle our incomes-but the property is not in boyfriends name. We are looking to buy a second property-that would be in his name, in a different location-and the family as a whole can do winters there and summers here. But each of the guys would have property that is not in the name of the other.
 
I second and third what was said above. Their marital status means owning with P is owning with PW, and you don't sound comfortable being closely tied to her.

One suggestion I have is that you interrogate your ideas about "a nicer home." There may be better things to do with your money (and time) than to purchase and maintain a larger or fancier home.

With every additional owner and with every increase in asset value, you become less able to respond to change. And you never know what will change.

Good luck working through these decisions!
 
With every additional owner and with every increase in asset value, you become less able to respond to change. And you never know what will change.

SlowPoly has an important point beyond the possible relationship dynamic issues.
One's ability to just pick up and move, to shift gears, to say 'chuck this job, this town, this relationship' decreases when one owns property. It becomes a lot harder to just start over. And this is still true if the property becomes less valuable, more valuable or stays the same. What people don't emphasize enough is that owning property does tie one down - it limits one's options in real ways. That's not always a bad thing but it exists.
 
One's ability to just pick up and move, to shift gears, to say 'chuck this job, this town, this relationship' decreases when one owns property. It becomes a lot harder to just start over. And this is still true if the property becomes less valuable, more valuable or stays the same.

Exactly. To clarify, when I wrote "with every increase in asset value" I actually was thinking that the more expensive an asset you buy, say a car over a barbecue grill, a house over a car, a bigger house over a smaller one, the more anchored you get to your situation and co-owners, and the less flexible all of you can be as needs, wants, and resources change. Yes, it's nice to have things and to share ownership. But go slow, go simple, and buy small and you are less likely to get stuck.

And like opalescent says, this applies all the time and to everyone. In your specific case, the fact that it's an uncertain move for multiple people in a complex relationship means it's really important not to bite off more than you can let go of.
 
Thanks all

P didn't get "this" job, but it will come up again.
For myself, I have decided that I will NOT comingle finances in real estate, for all the reasons mentioned.

If I liked her and had a friendly relationship and knew they were solid, I would feel differently. Back when I did consider us partners, he and I had talked about cohousing, or a dulled, or similar, but at it became clear to me she would never have anything to with me, I gave up that dream. I had even looked into the LLC option of purchasing with comingled funds if we would have gone that route.

Thank you all. I appreciate the insights.
 
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