We can't change our feelings. However, we can decide how to act upon our feelings. Until recently, you didn't meet anyone who you wanted to spend lots of time with besides bf. I feel sad you broke off your previous "intense" relationship to please your bf. Do you carry resentment from that? Disappointment?
Magdlyn, yes, I do suppose I carry some sadness from that...I feel as though I am not free to live my life to the fullest, because I may be hurting my partner.
And now another hot potential has come along, and you're not gonna give up so easily. You want to spend 1-7 days a week with him, but your bf is not comfortable with that amount of time. I don't really blame him, that is a lot to ask after being nearly mono for years.
Very true, it is a lot to ask to see someone (actually) 2-3 days a week after being nearly mono for so long. It's one thing to "say" you're open, and another to "do".
Can you compromise? See New Guy on the lower end of your desire, twice a week? Could your bf deal with that if he was getting lots of your undivided attention on the other days? It's up to you to show you can handle 2 intense relationships without letting either feel neglected. It will be hard for your bf, who is used to things being one way. This will test your relationship. Can he deal, or will he bail? Can you respect his "growing into poly pains" and go more slowly as he gets used to the idea of what you really want from polyamory now?
I think this is the method I will try. Boyfriend comes back in a couple days, & we will have a sit-down talk, & I will try to comfort and reassure him, as he's been a wreck b/c I've started another relationship while he's been away, & he's missing me very much. He actually also told me that he wants to have a talk alone with NewGuy, to assert himself as the main partner.
Adding: when we have a partner already, as ethical poly sluts, when we meet a new person, we really can't act like a mono person with no responsibilities. I mean, we CAN, but imo that wouldn't be ethical.
Yes, I suppose I was acting like a single poly with no responsibilities while Boyfriend was out of town.
We can't just swan off into NREland with New Person, neglecting our other lover(s). I mean, that would be very rude! We take original lover's feelings into consideration. We may feel like seeing new person every day. Having sleepovers sooner rather than later. Gushing about New Person to other lover even! No, we just can't do that. Polyamory takes more finesse and control than that.
Yes, true. I have respected Boyfriend's wishes that I don't engage in sex until he meets my new partners, but yes, I have had a couple (non-sexual) sleepovers with NewGuy, & that also upsets Boyfriend as he feels that I'm getting too close too fast to NewGuy. I'm not the kind to gush about NewGuy to Boyfriend, but I try to keep Boyfriend updated with when I am seeing NewGuy & what we are doing.
It's just hard to stay away from NewGuy when I feel like seeing him, and it seems so right and easy.