Life Changes..the beginning.

MrFarFromRight,

I do believe you are Mr Quite Close To Right, in your observations!!! They have a great love affair going on, these three. I see it, too :cool:
 
Why does it have to be complicated?


How is it not complicated? We all started out happy. I start to pull back, and you stop showering me with love and sex. This causes me to pull back more, and feels like there is a disconnect between us. J pulls back because he isn't comfortable, which makes you frustrated. When I see you frustrated, it makes me mad, since poly doesn't seem worth it to me at that point, since the super love and sex is gone, and you aren't happy. Aaaaand then we cycle on down the bowl.

Every couple of hours, I can spin a wheel of emotion, and whatever it lands on, is how I feel until I spin again. For me, that's about as complicated as it gets, seeing as to how I never had a problem before with consistency.
 
I've already told you this, but I've never stopped showering you with love. The sex has slowed down (but still far more frequent than it was before this all started), but it's hard to stay turned on when you are a mix of emotions and I never know how you are feeling. Love and sex are not synonymous.
 
. I also think you are correct, and exactly what I meant about why does it have to be complicated? I feel like we're beating a dead horse half the time because all of this discussion about something that isn't really even happening. He said he was tired of talking about it every day, so I didn't mention it for a day and a half and that ended in last nights big cry session..

I was thinking more like cutting back to one conversation per week for at least 3 months and just living the rest of the time. But, I have a feeling that it will be like going cold turkey after a major alcohol or drug addiction. Virtually impossible at this point. These discussions and the emotional highs and lows realated to them have become like a drug for you guys. Just as with an addiction, you have lost your ability to stop at this point. I really feel for you guys...... it has to be frustrating and a bit scary.....how do you get off this roller coaster!?!?!? Not to mention how much time and energy is getting used up. You have a lot of support here.....I hope you guys can get it sorted out!!!

Sending best wishes and good thoughts your way!!!
 
Well, we had our break! It was pretty nice I guess. We had a small set back last Tuesday where we discussed it for a minute. Then we had our first counseling session as a couple on Friday. It's a counselor that I see regularly that also does marriage counseling so she was more than happy to see him as well.

She did say that we have a great foundation for our relationship. We have a lot of love, and great communication. Other than disagreeing on the poly front, we don't have any problems. She was very neutral on the subject, and seemed supportive of both of us.. validated each of our feelings. I don't think it gave us much progress off the bat, but we go back on Thursday as she wants to get a little deeper in to hubby's history. It was nice to be able to get some direction to where his feelings were coming from.

Of course after a nice day, we had a misunderstanding that evening. We had had some drinks and ended up having a HUGE fight. A fight like we have never been in before. It both terrified, and devastated me. I have never seen hubby get that angry before, it was a side of him I hope I never see again, and it broke my heart that I caused it. The misunderstanding only started his anger, but he's angry because I am poly. He thinks I want to fuck every guy that I talk to, and that if I say that I love them, that means I want to screw them. I tell my friends I love them all the time, male or female, I'm a lovey person. I keep replaying a key part in my head and it makes me cry every time. After everything that he says bothers him, I'm afraid to look at my phone texts because he thinks I'm not giving him enough attention, I'm afraid to have facebook conversations, because he might think I'm talking to another guy, I'm afraid to talk to any male friends because I automatically must want to have sex with them, I'm afraid to ask to go anywhere because I don't want him to think I'm making him babysit while I'm partying. I was crying uncontrollably at one point and couldn't catch my breath and he came over and calmed me down and apologized until eventually I fell asleep.

The next day I had my first (on the roster) derby bout, and I just couldn't get in the mood. I was feeling down and depressed about the fight the previous night. He apologized and I calmly suggested maybe we shouldn't drink anymore. He seems to dwell on things more when he drinks. I don't drink very often, but I can't ask him to stop and not stop myself. After I got out on the rink I was feeling better and by the time we were done I was feeling pretty much back to normal.

Sunday we had a nice day, had a BBQ with a friend, had 3 of Drew's coworkers (including J) come over and watch the sleeping kids while we went on a skate date. Which brings up another issue... J was suppose to be in out of town (3 hours away) visiting family until the 23rd, and yet here he was at Drew's coworkers house (who is also our neighbor). At the same time, on Facebook, I see pics of him and his "GF" half way across the country, how much she loves him and that she's moving here after she graduates high school. So, I'm voluntarily stepping away. He hasn't told me any of this, but it's right out there on FB, so I don't know why he consistently lies about where he is going? It's not that I even really care. When I ask him where he's going on leave, I'm just making conversation. I really hope that she is who makes him happy, but I just don't understand why he can't just TELL me that. I still want to be friends but I'll let my hubby do the inviting over when we're all here, I'm not going to invite him over during the week unless he asks about it, and then I will keep it platonic as long as I know that they are still "together". Me putting any more effort into it on my part is too hard on me, because I DO have strong feelings for him.

Maybe sometime in the future if it doesn't work out with his GF, maybe we can try again if somebody else hasn't come along (if we can even come to an arrangement that works for hubby and I), but for now, keeping things platonic. I still really want him to be part of our family, the kids love him and he's a good friend, but I'm more and more certain now that as for as a romantic relationship with him at this point, it's just not going to work for me.

I told hubby I would probably dive into my friendships a bit harder for a while to help me keep my mind occupied and off of J, but that if somewhere along the line that I have any interest other than friends he will be the first to know. I don't want him to think that all of my friends are people I want to have a romantic relationship with.

Hubby and I discussed this today. I tried something new. I set the timer for 10 minutes, and I led the conversation, told him what I was thinking. Then set it for another 10 minutes and let hubby lead the conversation. Neither one of us needed the full 10 minutes and when it was over we hugged and kissed and continued on with the day.

He says he does better when he thinks of poly he just pushes the whole thought out of his head. I don't really see what's wrong with that. He doesn't need to think about it 24 hours a day. If we can keep it at 10 minutes each, once a week to discuss any changes that we might feel we need and reflect on the past weeks thoughts/feelings, why does it need to come up any more than that at this point? I just don't know what to do in the event of an "emergency" like the misunderstanding that happened on Friday. If he would have said something at the beginning, then it would have gotten straightened out before could get angry about it.

So that's been the update for the last week and a half. I'm hoping that it continues in a positive direction. We've had some setbacks.. some big, some small.. but I still think it's progress. I think it might improve now that there is no other person at the moment.
 
Wow! Heavy stuff going on! I'm glad that the fight with Drew calmed down and that he apologised, but it indicated that there's something serious there. It's up to him if he wants to work on it.

Getting drunk (or stoned) often works to let the inhibitions crumble and the truth comes out. When we're sober, we can usually pretty much control what we do and say. Some people even control what they think that they believe... or what they think that they feel. That might mean what we believe others want us to say or how they expect us to act. When we're drunk (or stoned) it's harder to make sure those little "unacceptable, unreasonable" things stay hidden.

So Drew might be "trying to be understanding" and hiding from you (and himself?) just how angry:mad::mad::mad: he really is deep down about this poly thing.

In my opinion, it's not enough just to try and stay sober, because the getting drunk does tell you both a truth: that there's real anger there. It's that that you, Jen, have to realise and work with... and Drew (I hope) will want to work on getting rid of his anger - not just hiding it successfully, so that both of you can pretend that it's not there. (In that case, expect another explosion sometime.)

If it's any help, I've (personally) found that getting stoned is better than getting drunk at uncorking the bottle and then also giving you insight and willingness to change. I was once on not-speaking-to-you terms with a neighbour for a year and a half. (And this was in a tiny neighbourhood of maybe a dozen people.) This also started as a misunderstanding and a bout of jealousy (on his part). The fact that I didn't get stoned often is illustrated by the fact that I didn't in all that time. But when I did... it hit me hard! And when I did, I thought: "How ridiculous we're both being!" The next time I saw him (and I wasn't stoned then), I asked him for a hug.

And you should have seen the mixture of relief and joy on his face!

[Legal warning: Illegal drugs are illegal for a good reason - they are dangerous! Please don't fuck wit' drugs. The former 2 paragraphs should not be construed under any circumstances as the author's wish to condone drug use.]
 
Love and sex are not synonymous.

We are having some issues with this as well. Another thing -- sex can be "making love" or "fucking" or some blend of the two -- ? :confused:

For us, poly and drinking are not a good mix. We've found that out, too. But -- we do still play with that fire. :eek:

Sounds like you two have some of the same codependency issues we have been struggling with. I hope the counselor will help -- ours was invaluable. I still have a lot of confusion about what is "healthy" and what is codependent in a marriage. We have created some deep grooves in our relational patterns and it's not always easy to reconsider some of them, let alone trying to change them.

Poly was so freeing for me because it is outside of the conventional restraints and expectations of marriage. Yet Sundance was very comfortable within those conventions, and now I've gone and rocked the boat.... I'm still not so sure we're not going to capsize at any given moment. Especially when his anger flares up. It's scary and sometimes (USUALLY) it catches me off guard. I try and detach when I can, from feeling responsible for his outbursts of anger -- I mean, I don't explode like he does, so I don't understand. As for me, I get angry but I usually try to keep my cool until I can speak rationally. I mean, I really work at this -- he doesn't always. To me, it's just not ok to take my anger out on someone else. But isn't it ok for him to EXPRESS his anger? Sure -- I just can't be overly sensitive, maybe? I mean, he isn't physically violent, ever. But he does say hurtful things. He always apologizes for that later. And it goes back to that cycle, where I know I am asking too much of him, to accept something that is just not acceptable to him -- at least not all the time. I can't always predict when one of those times he ISN'T acceptable of it, will be... :(

So here we are on this roller coaster ride (I prefer that to MERRY-GO-ROUND, but sometimes that feels like a better analogy :( ) (It's not an especially happy day in poly world, for me today.)
 
He thinks I want to fuck every guy that I talk to, and that if I say that I love them, that means I want to screw them.


While I know that the things I said were ridiculous, and I really don't think you want to screw everybody you see, the feelings behind that statement were genuine. Hurt, anger, jealousy.... I've been feeling very hurt lately... It hurts that she wants more than me. That I can't give enough love, enough sex, enough anything for her to be happy. It just absolutely kills me, since I am happy with everything I get from Jen.

Now it's like I'm taking my anger out on her a bit. The fight over the weekend, and last night a bit too. I had a hand wringing thing again last night, and couldn't go to sleep last night. I sat in bed for about an hour and a half before I said screw it, and came out to the living room. Jen was asleep, but she was trying to comfort me if I was laying down (I was in and out of bed a few times). I didn't want to have any of it, and kept scooting over. Her touch wasn't comforting at all, which just made the wringing worse. I finally took some Tylenol PM so I could fall asleep.

She finally woke up, and asked if I was angry at her... I told her no, so that way we could go to sleep. I'm not angry at her... I don't know. I'm just not sure what to feel sometimes, and what my feelings are focused on.







Last week was a nice reprieve though. It was nice not having wringing episodes every day, and having something poly related filling my thoughts all the time. I didn't like just pushing the thought out of my mind every time the word poly came up, since it's just ignoring the issue, but like I said it was nice.

Jen thinks that if nothing poly related is going on, that it'll be easier on me. While this is sort of true, it's just the concept of poly that I have the problem with, so it's always going on, as far as my thought patterns go.
 
Beodude, Jen loves you. She loves you. She loves you. Don't forget that.

It hurts that she wants more than me. That I can't give enough love, enough sex, enough anything for her to be happy. It just absolutely kills me, since I am happy with everything I get from Jen.

I really feel for you, I do.

Okay, so this might be hard to explain, but you are hurting yourself; she is not hurting you. For some reason you have interpreted Jen's ability to love more than one person as meaning that there is some deficiency or inadequacy in you. NOT TRUE. It is not about being enough or not enough for her. Try to get that in your head. You seem to think about your relationship as something where the two of you are supposed to fulfill each other's needs, rather than a loving partnership in which you experience life together.

I know she has said that when she realized she could have feelings for someone outside of your relationship that she felt something had been missing til then. That does not mean that the things that were missing were about you at all. I suspect the thing that was missing was simply acknowledgment that it was possible. It's possible for you too. Aren't there numerous people in your life that you feel love for? Why does Jen's desire to expand that love into something sexual, with the right person, threaten you so much? I'm not asking that glibly, but saying that to you as something to ask yourself and examine closely.

This insecurity and feeling inadequate is something that is there in you all the time, and has been triggered by this new chapter in your marriage. But it is yours to look at and decipher - with compassion for yourself. I think every time you tell yourself you are not enough for Jen, you need to step back from it and look at where in you that statement comes from. What other times in your life were you feeling "not enough?" It might have started in early childhood, and is a familiar feeling, but that doesn't mean it's valid or true. You are enough. This I know, even without knowing the two of you personally. You are enough. And Jen loves you.
 
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I know she has said that when she realized she could have feelings for someone outside of your relationship that she felt something had been missing til then. That does not mean that the things that were missing were about you at all. I suspect the thing that was missing was simply acknowledgment that it was possible. It's possible for you too. Aren't there numerous people in your life that you feel love for? Why does Jen's desire to expand that love into something sexual, with the right person, threaten you so much? I'm not asking that glibly, but saying that to you as something to ask yourself and examine closely.

THIS.

I don't know how to explain that it is NOT about not having enough. I know that you give me all of the love that I could possibly want from YOU. I know that if I ever wanted more sex for the sake of the act, YOU would give it to me. I KNOW that you spoil me rotten and I DON'T take that for granted. What makes you think I am unhappy with anything you give me?? I have NEVER EVER said anything like that.

It's not the sex, it's not the love... it's the sexual and emotional freedom.

Using J as an example, how I feel about him.. when it comes down to sex. I wanted that connection with him. If I said, "man, I really feel emotionally and physically drawn to J, so I'm going to go have sex with my hubby and that will fill my need".. that would sound ridiculous...and vice versa. J could not fill my needs from you.

I am exhausted. I feel like I speak a foreign language to everybody in this house. The kids don't listen to me the majority of the time. Hubby listens but doesn't understand. Everybody is whining, crying, hanging on me, upset about something. I am emotionally drained. I'm feeling weighed down by guilt and carrying the blame for something that I don't feel i can help. I feel like all of the fingers are pointed at me for being the horrible person that always wants more and can never be satisfied by what she has. I feel like I'm expected to be perfect and I know that I will never achieve that.

Sometimes I just want to give up. Crawl in bed and stay there for as long as possible, so I don't have to be poly, so I don't have to be mono, so I don't have to keep repeating myself over and over when nobody listens. So I can't hurt anybody, or be hurt. I don't want to argue over who is wrong or who is right, or who's fault it is. I just want to sleep, and sleep. I'm tired.
 
Beodude, Jen loves you. She loves you. She loves you. Don't forget that.
That's right, Man - and you know it!
This insecurity and feeling inadequate is something that is there in you all the time, and has been triggered by this new chapter in your marriage. But it is yours to look at and decipher - with compassion for yourself. I think every time you tell yourself you are not enough for Jen, you need to step back from it and look at where in you that statement comes from. What other times in your life were you feeling "not enough?" It might have started in early childhood, and is a familiar feeling, but that doesn't mean it's valid or true. You are enough. This I know, even without knowing the two of you personally. You are enough. And Jen loves you.
This is something I brought up with you before, when I asked you if you loved yourself.

Listen: My father was always comparing me to my oh-so-much-more-responsible brother (who was 8 years older than me and had already left home by then... to another country!): "When Frisky-Tail [not his real name, Folks] was your age, I could have depended on him to (yadda yadda yadda). But you: I don't know!...[what I ever did to deserve a loser son like you.]" My eldest sister never tired of telling me that I broke everything I touched. I had an inferiority complex like nobody's business!... And I never really believed that anybody could love me. Because I didn't love myself.

[I love myself plenty now, but still nobody else loves me!:(:(:(]

I'm not a huge fan of professional counselling, but I think that you have things that you need to work out. Some of it - I suspect - has absolutely nothing to do with Jen. And maybe a professional (or at least somebody with experience) could help. Maybe you should think about counselling for yourself - as well as the marriage counselling with Jen.

If you even suspect that there's any hint of "Hey, Dude: you're really screwed up! You need professional help!" then you have no idea where I'm coming from (or what I've come through)!

I've read in the past about your pain and your doubts. Today I've read about your anger. You know that song?:

When things go wrong,
So wrong with you...
It hurts me too.

I have come to feel a certain affection for you and Jen through your posts and your attempts to reach a happy lifestyle / lovestyle. I want you both to be happy.

Love yourself at least enough to head for that. Please!
 
I am exhausted. I feel like I speak a foreign language to everybody in this house. The kids don't listen to me the majority of the time. Hubby listens but doesn't understand. Everybody is whining, crying, hanging on me, upset about something. I am emotionally drained. I'm feeling weighed down by guilt and carrying the blame for something that I don't feel i can help. I feel like all of the fingers are pointed at me for being the horrible person that always wants more and can never be satisfied by what she has. I feel like I'm expected to be perfect and I know that I will never achieve that.

Sometimes I just want to give up. Crawl in bed and stay there for as long as possible, so I don't have to be poly, so I don't have to be mono, so I don't have to keep repeating myself over and over when nobody listens. So I can't hurt anybody, or be hurt. I don't want to argue over who is wrong or who is right, or who's fault it is. I just want to sleep, and sleep. I'm tired.
I haven't caught up on the whole thread. I just needed to say:
I can so understand this feeling. I'm sorry that you are having it. Hugs.
 
Thank you, I have gotten more sleep and feel a little better.

It's been weird around here for me. Quiet, but not. No text messages, no calls, nobody over for dinner. Kids are still being their typical noisy selves though. I'm pretty sure they have split personalities. One for me, one for everyone else.

Thursday we had another counseling session. Hubby discussed his anger. He seems less angry, but there has also been less poly discussion. Counselor suggested I back of from poly (which I feel I have been), while hubs works out his anger issues, and that hubs backs off from alcohol, which seems to make the anger issues worse.

Friday, our friend (and we've established over and over that he is JUST a friend), came over (with hubby's permission). He got here about 10 minutes before hubs got home from work, and hubby came in already angry. He did relax after a while, but I don't know why he came in already pissed off.

Yesterday our derby team had a crawfish boil fundraiser. It went from 1pm to 2am. I wanted to stay the whole thing but was afraid to ask, so instead I asked if he wanted me to work the early half or the late half. He said early. He came down with the kids for a bit, and while he was there I asked if he would mind if I came home and helped put the kids to bed and came back. He seemed really irritated that I asked. He said "I'd like to spend time with you this weekend". Which kind of frustrated me. I like to spend time with him too, but it's not like we have fundraisers every weekend, and I'm only limited to do weekend events since he works swing shift and is gone every night. He sent me a message later and said I could stay later if I wanted, but I already felt guilty about it, so I just stayed a little bit later and left at 7 instead of 6. I hate that I have fear and guilt about asking for anything anymore. I'm always afraid I'm crossing the line.

Otherwise things have been pretty good. Hubs and I went skating last Sunday together for a while and that was really nice. He even took a long break from work to come to my practice Monday and skated while we practiced. He wants his own skates so he doesn't have to use the crappy rink skates, so that makes me excited that he's enjoying something that I do. Especially a physical activity! Last night we watched a movie, and he brushed my hair, which makes me all warm and tingly inside. I LOVE getting my hair brushed! Even with all of the ups and downs, I love my hubby more than ever.

On the J front. I said (and am sticking by my guns), that I'm backing off while he figures out whatever he's doing with his girlfriend. I totally don't understand that situation, but if it makes him happy, then that's what matters. But it doesn't change the fact that I've been missing him terribly. Especially since it's been so quiet around here.. I keep trying to stay busy so I don't think about him much. Every now and then I look at her pictures of them together to remind myself why I'm doing this. It took a few times looking at them to not make my stomach go in knots, but I'm good now. Now I smile and think to myself that as weird as I think it is, she is the one he wants, and that I always knew there would be someone eventually. I'm content with that, but it doesn't change my feelings about him.

So yeah..that's this weeks update. :) I'm really hoping we start making some more progress. I know if it's not getting worse, it's progress, but I'm feeling really in limbo lately. Not really sure what's okay and what's not... when I should talk, and when I should keep my mouth shut. I long for certainty....and acceptance...and I fear neither will ever come.
 
Jen, I want to reply to more of your last post, but I've got 7 more minutes on-line time before they lock the doors. But I couldn't resist this:
Last night we watched a movie, and he brushed my hair, which makes me all warm and tingly inside. I LOVE getting my hair brushed!
I used to live in a street that was completely squatted, back in the late 70s, early 80s. LOTS of young, alternative people. Getting my long hair brushed by someone else (or brushing somebody else' hair) was a common experience. Like tribes of monkeys grooming each other. I really miss that! And YEAH! It's tingly!:):):)
 
I feel like things are continuing to get worse instead of better. I don't even think it's about poly anymore. I think poly was just the catalyst.

We had another big fight this weekend. Nothing poly related has gone on in about a month. The last time I saw J was when hubs sent him over after work. I've missed him, and I did say that I missed him, but I hadn't seen him and haven't been texting with him.

Friday was chatting with one of our friends, D, who also works with hubby and J, and lives on the street behind us. He was saying he didn't want to cook, so I asked hubby if we could invite him over for dinner, he said yes, so I did. D said that J was over, so I asked hubby if it was okay if he came too.. he said yes, so I told D that was fine.

They came over, ate, they all (Hubby, D and J) helped me highlight my hair by pulling it through the holes in the cap. Hubby got up and left at one point and was acting weird. I could tell he was uncomfortable, but didn't know why. Maybe because of J, but since D was there, we were all just being our usual selves.

AFter they left I asked him why he was uncomfortable and he said he didn't know, he didn't know how to act. I said that it was nice having the company over. Which led to what ended up being what the argument was over.

The guys had been talking about going out, and I asked hubs if he wanted to go out with them, and he said no, he just wanted to stay home and play video games. Okay. I said it would be nice if I could go out with my friends every now and then too. That I'm home every night pretty much by myself, and on the weekends we always do the same thing, not much. We usually do our own thing in the same room, or sometimes different rooms. I'll craft or sew, and he'll play games. Sometimes we watch a movie, or do whatever on our respective computers. Which is fine, it's what we've always done, and I'm comfortable with that. But sometimes it would also be nice to get out and socialize with friends... enjoy life.. maybe run into some stars (lots of big ones in our area lately, ha).

He said well the weekends are when he gets to spend time with me. Well, what the heck. I already cut back on work so I wouldn't have to run so many errands during the week so I could spend more time at home. I stay up most nights and wait for him to get off work so we can see each other for a bit. He said that during the week it isn't the same.

So, what does that all mean? Am I suppose to stay at home 24/7 and not have friends over, or get to go out? I can understand having a fear of poly, but I have never done anything that would cause me not to be trustworthy. Friends that would come over during the week are typically male, that are also his friends, because most of my female friends are married and spending time with their husbands who don't work swing shift. He's not comfortable with that, but at the same time when he's home on the weekend evenings that's HIS time so I cant ever go out then either? I'm not talking about EVERY weekend, or EVERY night, just occasionally. I'd like to be able to go out with my derby girls, or even maybe go out with the guys that are our FRIENDS if they don't mind me tagging along. Is that so much to ask? Am I wrong for wanting to have some socialization now that I actually know people?

He does give me "free time" during the day when the kids are awake. To be able to run errands kid free, or go skate or something. Which is nice, and do appreciate that. But I'm still alone. Like today, I skated 9 miles, went to starbucks and had a frapp by myself, went to a couple of stores to get some random stuff we needed. It was nice to get out, but it's still lonely.

It's not like I don't like hanging out with hubs either. I do, but sometimes I need a change of pace, get out and have some fun. He might find video games relaxing and fun, and I like watching him play, but that's not what does it for me.

I feel like everything is getting blamed on Poly, but after this weekend, I think there is something else that needs working on. I will have to bring it up to our counselor this week. :(
 
Of course you should be able to go out with friends! That's even a question on okc, do you need me time, or time w friends away from your lover? I think it's quite healthy. And it makes you more interesting... you can share what you did with your h later. Expand your horizons!

Definitely should be examined in your dynamic. It's a shame it has to be a fight, and not a loving conversation about your need for more stimulation from others.
 
Sounds to me like some co-dependency issues coming up, big time. We've had them, too. It's ironic that being someone's "everything" used to seem so appealing to me, and now it seems overwhelming! We are struggling with the balance between intimacy and SPACE, in our marriage. Sometimes I feel very despairing, fearing that we are never going to get it right :( But then we find ourselves doing ok. It's weird.
And trying to work poly around all the co-dependency stuff is EXTRA hard :confused:
Hang in there. I'm feeling for you.
 
Still hanging in there.. still having ups and downs.

We have been going to our counselor weekly. I don't know whether we are making progression, but we at least have a common goal. We both want hubby to be able to accept it. It makes me happy that he wants to try, for both of us. I appreciate it more than he could possibly know. It's still hard though. I think his biggest hang up is the thought of me having sex with somebody else. It makes him sick to his stomach.

To me, sex can have different meanings and different feelings. It depends with who, and why. With J, I wanted to do it because I felt like it was the next step in showing him how I feel, and had that connection with him. With some people, it's just a physical attraction, and nothing deeper. When I think of hubby having sex with somebody else, it doesn't bother me, in fact, I'm almost turned on by it. I don't see it as being equal to the sex that we have though.

On the J front.. I'm dealing with my own jealousy issues. He's fully "in love" with his gf. I read their posts to each other frequently because the more I submerse myself in it, the more comfortable I feel, even though the whole situation between them weirds me out, I want to be happy for him. I still miss him and spending time with him. I see him here and there and it's always friendly and I feel a small sense of relief.

I also find I'm missing NRE, and what it brought to my relationship with hubby. I wonder why I can't feel that way without having somebody else involved. It makes me feel like there is something wrong with me, because I love and am attracted to hubby every day.. but as far as the sex goes, that animalistic urge that came with NRE just isn't there. Maybe part of it was my elation with hubby's acceptance at the time? Maybe knowing how it turns his stomach now, makes me also look negatively at it, even though I feel like it's something I can't help.

It's getting really late and I have to be up early, so I'll end for now. I'm pretty tired and was just rambling what was going through my mind at the moment, so I apologize if things were jumping around!
 
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