Trying to not get upset/angry

ugh...i could really use some help

Okay, I am pretty sure that I have attempted to write this at least a dozen times and each one of those times I have been unsuccessful. I think I am spending too much time dwelling on whether or not I will be understood the way I would like to be. Then is occurred to me- does it really matter if someone I do not know understands me or not? And the answer is no, it does not. If anyone reading this has anything to say that they feel would help me please, please, please say something. Bad or good- at this point it does not really matter. I just want to feel better. I want to feel whole again. I cannot go another moment feeling this nasty feeling inside- I desperately need for it to go away. On that note here I go…
I have taken the time to read through many of these threads to try and gain an understanding of the Poly Lifestyle, and I believe I have. There are just a few things that I have a problem coming to terms with.
I understand that not ONE person is able to fully complete another person in every way that they need. That is why people have friends, brothers, sisters, mother, father so on and so forth. Each individual person in your life creates a different dynamic that you want in your life and or need in your life.
I also understand that a person has the ability to love more than one person at one given time.
Here is my dilemma. I do not want to be loved equally. My problem is I have what some people in the Poly world like to call COMPARISONS DISEASE. I cannot stop myself from comparing the relationship my boyfriend has with me (his primary) and the relationship my boyfriend has with his secondary. I have never been in this type of relationship before and I hate that I am feeling this way. I am terrified that she is going to take my place or worse take him completely. I am terrified that him having love for someone else equals less love for me because now she has some. Was I not enough for him that he needs someone else? I am not Poly so I do not understand. I do not get how a person could love more than one person at one time. And please don’t give me the example of a mother loving her multiple children because that kind of love is different than the type of love we are talking about here. I cant seem to shake the thought that if I was the “right” person for him he ultimately wouldn’t “want” another. So there for he does not really love me- I find myself thinking well if he wants to spend time with her it’s because he would rather be with her than me… ie choosing her over me. I have this overwhelming feeling of not being good enough. Not being enough of a woman to “keep” her man. I feel like shit to be honest. I do not want to feel this way, and the negative thoughts are ALL consuming and they just get worse and worse and they are creating a rift in my relationship.
I guess really my question is how do you all deal with the negative thoughts and emotions? How do you get past the feeling of not being good enough?
I really could use someone to talk to about all of this. Because there is more to it than just this message…
I really hope there is someone that can help me deal with the pain…
 
The thoughts you are dealing with right now can be very scary and it sounds like they're really swallowing you up. Not fun.

You feel like if he spending time with her because he would rather be with her than you. Well, he is spending time with her because he wants to spend time with her. That does not mean he does not want to spend time with you. Since you say you are his primary he is probably spending more time with you than he with his secondary. But she is his secondary, so he does want to see her. Try to take the negative aspect out of all of it and just focus on the positive.

How can you love more than one person at a time? The more I read about how the human brain works when choosing mates the more it's starting to sound like some people are just wired that way. When some people enter into a relationship with another person the part of their brain that is searching for a partner shuts off and they are content to only be with one person. However, there are many people whose brains continue to search for other people, it's not a fault of the person they are with, it's just how they're wired. Also try to look at it from a resources point of view. Love is a renewable resource, there is always more to go around of whatever type. Just because you loved boyfriends in the past does not mean that whatever love you had for them is now used up and unavailable for your current partner. It's the same for him. What is a non-renewable resource is time and so if you feel like you are not getting enough time with him then bring it up and let him know.

It sounds like you're having some negative thoughts about yourself in there too. This is where your partner could be very handy. Talk to him, get him to explain why he chose you as his primary over anyone else. What makes you unique? What is special about your relationship? I bet there will be tons of answers. Also try reading books like The Ethical Slut or Opening Up (I can't remember the authors), they often help.

You said that there is more to this so if this advice was of any use feel free to PM me and talk if you want. Hang in there and I hope things start to look up.
 
Ow. I'm really sorry you're hurting. This is real, you are not at fault for feeling this way, and I strongly doubt that anyone on this board would ignore your pain.

You appear to be monogamous. That's simply a way to be. Monogamy can be so completely part of a person's identity and self-understanding that it is who they are.

Polyamory is also a way some people are. It's not better or more enlightened, it's just a part of some people's identity and self-understanding. Your BF may be poly. Let's assume for the moment that he is.

In that case you have one of the fundamental relationship problems: you're a mono in love with a poly.

I think it is possible to learn to live happily in that situation. But it takes time and work. I do NOT think it is reasonable for you to expect yourself to simply accept his poly nature and move on. Everything in your self-identity is saying NO-NO-NO-NO! and you can't ignore that.

I wish that he recognizes your immediate and real pain and steps up to help you. He's going to have to hold you very close and make your relationship to him his first priority -- he's got to make your emotional self understand how much he needs and values you.

I hope that you can, over time and with care and self-understanding, gradually accept that although you are his center and his pillar, he also needs another love(s) to feel himself whole.

You may never understand completely how that feels -- and you shouldn't ever beat yourself up for not understanding completely. To take a trivial parallel, it would be like someone who loves Mozart not understanding how anyone can obsess over baseball...those are just two different ways of being. But I think it's possible to accept and come to peace with it even if you don't understand at an emotional level.

But. You need to make a choice, and you need to make it clearly and as unemotionally as you can: you will either begin the long process of accepting how he is, or you will tell him that the poly relationship is not possible for you. If you choose to try to accept his polyamory, then he needs to help you right now. If he is unwilling to compromise and help you, that's a red flag.

WARNING: everything I've written is based on one internet post and my very feeble sense of how these things work. It's possible I am very, very wrong about a lot of things! So take it all with a healthy dose of skepticism. You are the only one who really knows because you are the only one who is right there in your shoes!

Good luck! Please write more; I know that there are many people on this board who will sympathize.

----

Addendum: ksandra posted while I was typing. I agree with what she wrote. Her post is very wise about love being a renewable resource, and VERY right about talking to your partner.
 
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And please don’t give me the example of a mother loving her multiple children because that kind of love is different than the type of love we are talking about here.

Ha, I just used that in a post to someone else. Here's the thing, I hear that this analogy doesn't work for you. For some I imagine it does.

Regardless, I want you to know that I hear your pain, and totally agree with EP and Ksandra. I truly hope that your partner can help you through this.
 
Communication, communication, communication!! When people ask me what makes this lifestyle work so well for me I tell them that the girls and I have NO secrets whatsoever. When one of them is feeling down about something we have to talk about it. Communication leads to some not so pleasant conversations, but they are necessary ones.

What you are feeling is VERY real and most importantly, OK to feel. as you said, you're not poly so it's tough to understand how that works for those of us that are. That's where talking comes in. Sit with your bf and express your feelings to him. Let him know that you suffer from comparison disease. There were a lot of conversations that were had at the start of this lifestyle where my wife expressed a lot of those concerns. Through talking and letting her know exactly where my head and heart were at she came to understand how it was possible for me to love someone else as much as I loved her and how that didn't diminish our relationship in any way.

Also, this lifestyle is WORK!! No doubt about it, but I think that the works absolutely is worth it once you find a relationship that works best for you and your partner(s). Good luck and please use the resources (other people) here to help you out in your time of need. :)
 
Yes, that's it, loving someone else doesn't diminish one's love for their primary.

And the reply about using people here to help you out in your time of need is a). a great one and b). evidence of what I appreciate so much about this forum.

No matter what, I hope that your pain diminishes. Hurting is so hard, though I do believe it is part of path(s) for reasons, even if we never know what they are.
 
I guess really my question is how do you all deal with the negative thoughts and emotions? How do you get past the feeling of not being good enough?
I really could use someone to talk to about all of this. Because there is more to it than just this message…
I really hope there is someone that can help me deal with the pain…

I would first use these emotions to find the root cause of the emotions. Regardless of the familial setup, why are you jealous? What makes you feel insecure? Can your husband do anything to help, maybe you need extra time before/after...re-enforcement etc. Figure out where the feeling come from, what can be done to help minimize them and hopefully you can work your way towards finding compersion in your husbands happiness with another woman.

I would definitely pick up the ethical slut and opening up as mentioned above. I would also take some time to read through these forums on jealousy and compersion.

Ksandras post covers mono vs poly wired. You simply have to take heart in the fact that loving more than 1 is possible for some people and accept it within your partner. :)
 
Okay, I am pretty sure that I have attempted to write this at least a dozen times and each one of those times I have been unsuccessful. I think I am spending too much time dwelling on whether or not I will be understood the way I would like to be. Then is occurred to me- does it really matter if someone I do not know understands me or not? And the answer is no, it does not. If anyone reading this has anything to say that they feel would help me please, please, please say something. Bad or good- at this point it does not really matter. I just want to feel better. I want to feel whole again. I cannot go another moment feeling this nasty feeling inside- I desperately need for it to go away. On that note here I go…
I have taken the time to read through many of these threads to try and gain an understanding of the Poly Lifestyle, and I believe I have. There are just a few things that I have a problem coming to terms with.
I understand that not ONE person is able to fully complete another person in every way that they need. That is why people have friends, brothers, sisters, mother, father so on and so forth. Each individual person in your life creates a different dynamic that you want in your life and or need in your life.
I also understand that a person has the ability to love more than one person at one given time.
Here is my dilemma. I do not want to be loved equally.
You would rather be loved unequally? I'm not trying to snark but I am trying to understand.
My problem is I have what some people in the Poly world like to call COMPARISONS DISEASE. I cannot stop myself from comparing the relationship my boyfriend has with me (his primary) and the relationship my boyfriend has with his secondary.
Are there things you don't enjoy doing, despise doing, that she does enjoy? Are there things she doesn't like doing that you do?
I have never been in this type of relationship before and I hate that I am feeling this way.
One thing that has worked for us in the past is putting a hold on any other relationships while we work on the problems in the main, core, relationship. If necessary put a time limit on the hold, say three months, in which time you really work, and work hard, at resolving the issues you are having.
I am terrified that she is going to take my place or worse take him completely. I am terrified that him having love for someone else equals less love for me because now she has some. Was I not enough for him that he needs someone else? I am not Poly so I do not understand. I do not get how a person could love more than one person at one time.
My lightbulb moment came when I realized that he CHOSE to come home to me each and every time he was with someone else. He didn't come home because he had to, I don't own him. He came home because he wanted to. He wanted to spend time with me. He wants to spend the rest of his life with me. He wants to help me make my life more than it already is, he wants me to help him make his life more.
And please don’t give me the example of a mother loving her multiple children because that kind of love is different than the type of love we are talking about here.
I wouldn't dream of it since I don't see it that way.
I cant seem to shake the thought that if I was the “right” person for him he ultimately wouldn’t “want” another. So there for he does not really love me- I find myself thinking well if he wants to spend time with her it’s because he would rather be with her than me… ie choosing her over me. I have this overwhelming feeling of not being good enough. Not being enough of a woman to “keep” her man. I feel like shit to be honest. I do not want to feel this way, and the negative thoughts are ALL consuming and they just get worse and worse and they are creating a rift in my relationship.
I guess really my question is how do you all deal with the negative thoughts and emotions? How do you get past the feeling of not being good enough?
I really could use someone to talk to about all of this. Because there is more to it than just this message…
I really hope there is someone that can help me deal with the pain…

As someone else said: COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE! Communication is the cornerstone of ANY successful relationship. If he doesn't know why you are feeling the way you are he can't help you. If he doesn't know you are feeling so lousy he can't help you.

I've told this story before & I'll repeat it here for your, and others, benefit.

Breathes had a fwb arrangement with a very good friend of his. She and I tried to be friends, rather I tried to be friends with her. She seemed to be trying at first but the longer I was in his life the less she would put out there to me. The more the three of us did together the more walls she would put up in order to keep me out. Breathes and I talked about what was happening with her along the way, the good, the bad and the ugly. I told him my feelings about her whether they were good, bad or ambivalent. He knew at every step how I felt about what was going on. The final straw came about 18 months ago. All three of us were at a party together and they had found a relatively quiet corner to be alone for a little while since I was busy with my volunteer shift. I went to find them when I was done to let him know I was free and to see if he needed anything. The look she gave me would have put out a raging fire! The look said "I've got him now. He's mine and you can't have him back!" For the sake of politeness and not wanting to make a spectacle and an ass of myself I opted to not do anything about it at that time. When we got back home I told him what had happened. He was NOT happy but felt I had done the right thing at the time by not playing to her cattiness. As things stand now they are friends without benefits who occasionally have a BDSM play time together & I have as little to do with her as possible without seeming to be avoiding her.

No, poly isn't an easy life but neither is monogamy. Life has it's ups and downs no matter what your lifestyle is. How you deal with these bumps in the road is what defines you as a person. You can choose to live with the pain and hurt or you can choose, as you seem to have done, to deal with them and get to a better place in your life.

Please feel free to PM me if you like. You can also add singlemomcanada on LiveJournal or my Facebook under [email protected] (I also have a blogspot through gmail but rarely use it). (Anyone can add me, really, but FB is mostly family who are unaware of my lifestyle choices.)

Time to sign off and get ready to spend a day NOT in the apartment, lol.

Good luck and I hope you find the solution to your dilemma.
 
....... My problem is I have what some people in the Poly world like to call COMPARISONS DISEASE. I cannot stop myself from comparing the relationship my boyfriend has with me (his primary) and the relationship my boyfriend has with his secondary.

Hi Angel and thanks for stopping in and sharing with all of us !

You've hit on something (above) that's potentially really valuable for you.
It IS a dis-ease (intentional hyphenation). And it will impact your whole life if you allow it. The good news is that you are one step ahead already. You've identified it.
The culture we live in fosters an unnatural desire for competition. We're constantly told that competing for everything is a desirable. Consequently, when for some reason we don't seem to be winning some perceived battle, culture (or ourselves) deems us a failure !

You want to live like that ? Be my guest ! But I suspect not :)

Because there IS another way - another model. It's one of cooperation. Where we work together to try to make everyone's life a little more pleasant. And in that model competition (except for fun sake) has to go away. We don't want to make comparisons except to celebrate uniqueness. We note various differences and only choose to adopt some changes because they are beneficial to the big picture - not because it changes some "status".

Now that you've discovered that for yourself, you're on the road to fitting it into your thinking and life. You're not "competing" - you're building something better.

Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa ! :)

GS
 
I had two thoughts while reading your OP:

Not feeling good enough did not start with your current relationship, so look out for ghosts, here.

and

The only way to get the victory over fear is to charge at it and walk right through it. This is usually painful, but will help you find the truth about what you want and don't want in your life. I am sure you don't want to live with fear, so address it with yourself and those you love, and trust yourself when the answers come, even if they are unexpected.
 
..thank you all

First of all I would like to thank you all for your kind words of support during this difficult time for me. I am currently reading and re-reading all of your responses. It takes me a little while to really absorb your words. Thank you to all that reached out to me .... it means a lot. And there is really a lot more to this situation than meets the eye... I could really use a friend or two to discuss my feelings with because..well this isnt really something I can go to my close friends about....
 
Oh Angels.... *big hugs* ....I so TOTALLY feel your pain.

In my relationship i'm the poly with a mono partner. Even tho i'm poly I too suffer from Comparisons Disease....INTENSELY. It's something i've struggled with my whole life, and it doesn't just rear it's head in romantic involvements, but in all parts of my life. As others have pointed out it is part and parcel with jealousy. I think you have to embrace that to really get past it.

After many years of pretending I was okay and telling myself over and over ..."I'm okay". I realized I wasn't. Not in the least. And I realized that only by THOUGHTFULLY WORKING on this could I get past it. This was not about anyone else or my relationship with them, it's about ME!

I was extremely afraid of going to a therapist but I decided I needed to go and I was willing to work at finding one that I clicked with. Not every therapist is a good therapist for you. I wanted someone who was aligned with my morals and beliefs and how I self-identify. This is a chance for you to embrace fully who you ARE and be totally yourself with someone who is there to support you unconditionally.

If you really want to move thru/past this you need to be willing to work at it. It's not going to be easy and it won't be quick. One thing i've learned which really hit me....(what HITS you may be different), is that all of my negative emotions are turned inward. Whenever i'm stressed or ill, or feeling blue or tired...there's a voice that pops up pretty quickly which critiques my every action and emotion. Ignoring the voice doesn't help a bit...i've learned to recognize it and then say to myself 'hey that's great but not for me!" Don't give it power by fighting it...just move forward and wave goodbye.


By happenstance through these forums I came across some really well written articles on polyamory and relationships.

http://www.xeromag.com/fvpoly.html

I can't recommend that you read these enough. Read them all once, then read them again...and then again. There are some amazingly down to earth and powerful suggestions here for personal growth.


And as others have said, NEVER hesitate to talk to your partner.
 
Okay, again this is all really hard for me... this may sound silly and juvenile but i really cannot control where my feelings take me...
I just went through the multiple tabs open on my google chrome window... my boyfriend and i use the same computer... and he had a window up about caring for secondary partners...and this over whelming amount of hurt feelings entered into my head... i dont really see him worry about how to treat me better... why would he want to focus on how to treat her better...when he doesnt seem to care about my feelings... i truly cannot stand feeling like she is more important than me... that he cares for her more than me... i cannot even stand the thought of him caring about her feelings...

ughh... sometimes im okay with all of this and than other times.... i just wish i never opened myself up to get hurt in the first place... i just feel so... defeated..

i know it is something so small... but it triggers:mad: so many other emotions...
 
Just for the record, someone who is mono wired is not going to like the ethical slut. At least that is what I have experienced. In fact I have known it to simply anger and scare mono people. Love without limits is a far better option as it explains possible "why" someone is poly not "how" to be someone who is.

I like this a lot. thanks breathgirl!
"My lightbulb moment came when I realized that he CHOSE to come home to me each and every time he was with someone else. He didn't come home because he had to, I don't own him. He came home because he wanted to. He wanted to spend time with me. He wants to spend the rest of his life with me. He wants to help me make my life more than it already is, he wants me to help him make his life more."

I also agree with Rarechild, I suspect your comparison issues started before this relationship. Nothing like poly to bring up stuff that we sometimes wish would not be brought up. But really, it makes us more alive to get through issues... so maybe try and see it this way. You can recover from this *illness*, and I do rather prefer *illness* to *disease* and on can recover from an *illness* I feel whereas recovering from a *disease* somehow seems less probable.
 
Just for the record, someone who is mono wired is not going to like the ethical slut. At least that is what I have experienced. In fact I have known it to simply anger and scare mono people. Love without limits is a far better option as it explains possible "why" someone is poly not "how" to be someone who is.

I like this a lot. thanks breathgirl!
"My lightbulb moment came when I realized that he CHOSE to come home to me each and every time he was with someone else. He didn't come home because he had to, I don't own him. He came home because he wanted to. He wanted to spend time with me. He wants to spend the rest of his life with me. He wants to help me make my life more than it already is, he wants me to help him make his life more."

I also agree with Rarechild, I suspect your comparison issues started before this relationship. Nothing like poly to bring up stuff that we sometimes wish would not be brought up. But really, it makes us more alive to get through issues... so maybe try and see it this way. You can recover from this *illness*, and I do rather prefer *illness* to *disease* and on can recover from an *illness* I feel whereas recovering from a *disease* somehow seems less probable.

I've been away forever, but reading this has reminded me of all the wisdom that RedPepper has. Very well said. :)
 
I've been away forever, but reading this has reminded me of all the wisdom that RedPepper has. Very well said. :)
Why thank you. :)

Actually I think its not so much a *disease* or *illness* as such but a *virus*. Because it was picked up from somewhere rather than having been manifested from within. Somewhere along the line one decides they are in some way not good enough. That is taught, it doesn't just happen. We aren't born to think that, it becomes ones take on themselves. Yes, *comparison virus* I think is the best description yet.
 
Actually I think its not so much a *disease* or *illness* as such but a *virus*. Because it was picked up from somewhere rather than having been manifested from within.


Yea....I'd agree with this wholeheartedly.


Angels....it's okay...take a deep breath. You ARE going to feel this way sometimes (probably even a lot in the beginning), it won't go away over night. It does hurt. Have you sat down with your SO for a heart to heart? Have the two of you discussed boundaries for your relationship? Are there actions he can take that will help you feel fully supported? You both need to work on this, as individuals and also as a couple.

This is just my opinion but I think that in any relationship you have to strive to be self aware....meaning that you should be able to share with your partner specific things they can do to help/love/support you, depending on the situation. No one is a mind reader, no matter how long they've known you and some times events occur that bring to light new things. As others have said communication is key. Keep talking and don't be afraid to ask for things...you might need to be open minded and find a middle ground (your partner is going to need things too), but this is all about growing together. Have you asked him how much time/energy/love he's able to put forth towards what you and he have together?
 
Interesting, I am in the opposite position - that of secondary, struggling to figure out where I stand with his primary. There are times when I can tell him being with me makes her feel awful and that, in turn, makes me feel awful/guilty and both of us feeling awful/guilty makes him feel awful, which adds to the awful. It's an awful cycle of awful! There is no magic way to feel better about the situation - as others have mentioned, it takes a lot of work, but if there is love and respect on all sides it is doable.

I think it is important to acknowledge that everyoneneeds to feel loved, desired and "safe" in their relationship. You are obviously very, very important to him and how you feel matters! If I have learned anything (being a new poly) it is that communication is key. Don't pretend it is okay if it isn't - express how you feel! I really hope you can work through your emotions and find joy in your relationship. Send me a message if you ever want to chat!
 
Why thank you. :)

Actually I think its not so much a *disease* or *illness* as such but a *virus*. Because it was picked up from somewhere rather than having been manifested from within. Somewhere along the line one decides they are in some way not good enough. That is taught, it doesn't just happen. We aren't born to think that, it becomes ones take on themselves. Yes, *comparison virus* I think is the best description yet.

I would have to agree that your description is the best one yet... because comparing yourself to another is definitely something that is picked up along the way during ones life. For me- like many females- I have Dad issues... the desperate need of love and affection from a male because as a child and young adult I never got it from my father. Truth be told... I have no idea how to UN TEACH myself of the nasty negative behavior....any thoughts...

Interesting, I am in the opposite position - that of secondary, struggling to figure out where I stand with his primary. There are times when I can tell him being with me makes her feel awful and that, in turn, makes me feel awful/guilty and both of us feeling awful/guilty makes him feel awful, which adds to the awful. It's an awful cycle of awful! There is no magic way to feel better about the situation - as others have mentioned, it takes a lot of work, but if there is love and respect on all sides it is doable.

I think it is important to acknowledge that everyoneneeds to feel loved, desired and "safe" in their relationship. You are obviously very, very important to him and how you feel matters! If I have learned anything (being a new poly) it is that communication is key. Don't pretend it is okay if it isn't - express how you feel! I really hope you can work through your emotions and find joy in your relationship. Send me a message if you ever want to chat!

Thank you for your interest in my post. It is always nice to get to see the other sides point of view. And you are absolutely right... it is an awful cycle of awful.... how to break the cycle... who knows...

That being said... I have another thought in my mid...
I have been going through many many different portals of the forum and reading so many different posts and responses. And a part of me cannot help but get a little angered. 1. I feel like by me trying to come to terms with all of these feelings for the sake of my partners happiness is a wonderful and beautiful loving thing.... but I am doing it for someone else's happiness. I do in-fact want to be able to come to terms with the Poly lifestyle and not be hurt by it. I get upset because I feel like I'm the one doing all the emotional hard work for the sake of the relationship...make sense? Like I am changing myself and how I look at things for him...because "its how he is" shouldnt it be the same the other way around... why cant he he do what I am doing for him.. but for me... make sense??? It is frustrating... I feel like i am catering to his needs and no so much of my own....hummm....
 
Have you talked to him about this? What sort of reaction did you get?

He can't help you or do more for you if he doesn't know you need anything. Yes, you are making an effort to understand and accept his needs. And that's fantastic! At some point, he told you 'I need the freedom to love another in addition to you,' or something similar. He expressed a need, and you are helping him fulfill it. You seem very frustrated that he is not helping to fulfill your needs. I can't help but wonder if you have told him what those needs are.

Because if you're having calm, non-accusatory, open conversation about what you need from your relationship, and he is simply ignoring it, that's probably a larger issue than just dealing with polyamory.

You haven't said whether you've met the second woman or not. Have you? I find people are a lot more intimidating as the mysterious 'other.' Meeting in person and realizing they have quirks and flaws just like the rest of us usually goes a long way toward calming my nerves.

(For reference, I am a polyamorous woman. I helped my husband come to terms with this, and he has realized that he is also polyamorous. We are new enough that there is still a lot of learning about ourselves and our issues before this is 'smooth.' I have started seeing a man who is very likely wired monogamous, as you seem to be. It's tough for him to understand that he is not replaceable. We talk a lot about how this is going to work in the long run. All three of us.)
 
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