Having read my blog and all emails about Leo and me all over again, what I want to say has changed from where I first began last week. I have a whole story in my head, and in writing, of what three years brought to my life and where we ended. This is the synopsis of all of that.
In reading back, I discovered that I struggled with several things going on for us:
I struggled with the lack of time we had together, as he decided it would only be once a month we see each other. Gradually, it became less and less. I longed for more time. It made me feel sad that I wasn’t able to spend time with someone I loved. It was too long between dates for me to feel constantly connected, to a point where I could relax and just enjoy our time together. Most of my issues would've been sorted out if there had been more attention to this need of mine being met. (His work being close was doing it for me, but was too little, too late.)
Because of lack of time, I found it hard to trust that I was worth something to him and felt as if I was coaxing him and bugging him, like a whiney child, to hang out with me. I wanted him to plan what we did more, and at least show some enthusiasm in meeting, rather than shuffling dates further and further away, which is what was happening by the end. I felt like I was irritating him. In the end, after feeling all that, I just felt sad about it and resigned to my role in his life.
After our last date, when I asked (at what turned out to be one last time), if he could just let me know when he was free, in the hopes to have some kind of indication that I was worth something to him, he said we were done. He misunderstood what I was saying. But, in the process of understanding, he said I had become someone he had lost connection with. It was hard to hear. But people break up with others every day. He was breaking up with me.
I struggled with not having sex with him and the process of finding connection, regardless of that. Mono and his wife both struggled with the thought of us having sex. Mono was willing to re-look at his point of view in regards to the decision I made with him about not having sex. Leo’s wife was not. The wind was taken from my sails when I heard this. More lack of connection and bonding. It made me feel there was no commitment to a future. I was concerned for “us.” I kept my distance in order to cope. That was working for a time, but it made me sad and anxious before every date because I knew I would be faced with my longing for something more and having to hold back my attention. It made me envious that his wife could have a sexual relationship with someone else and he could not.
I struggled to understand and accept Leo’s wife’s boundaries. It seems that her opinion held huge value for him. He told me once that he would follow what she says and that I am a secondary and they are couple-centered. I remember that he had some judgment at the time that I would think anything different and expect anything different. I realized that we did poly differently and that might be a concern. (Actually, he never said he was poly.)
He told me that he told her everything that he struggled with, but also that he told her nothing that wasn’t relevant to them as a couple. Did he tell her of some of the good conversations we had? Did he relay anything I did in my life that was positive? When I heard he read my blog, I wondered if it had been she who read it. I wondered if she pointed out the posts that she wanted him to see as evidence that I was not good for him.
I had a hard time understanding how they worked together. It was assumed I would follow along without questions because that was overthinking and not keeping it simple. It wasn’t simple to me to do that. It was more complicated than communicating and being in touch, even just a little bit.
As I don’t value hierarchical poly and see people as people, not as couples when it comes to romantic relationships, I felt uncomfortable with their dynamic as it was. I was frustrated and confused by their way of doing things. I did submit to their way as much as I could. Sure, there was drama around all of this for me, but I was also patient, empathetic, an advocate for her in terms of him paying attention to her. I wanted her to be happy. I went at her pace as best as I could, without entirely losing my own boundaries due to lack of communication and lack of involvement in his life. As far as I can see, he found his work life more important than his relationship life (as well he should have at the time). I found my relationship life more important. I thought he over-thought work. He thought I over-thought my relationships. I was hoping he would think more about his relationships when he got settled into his new business, but that was not to be, during my time with him.
If it weren’t for the bf coming into his wife’s life, and the assumptions made about why I went for coffee with him, if there weren’t confusion over our last date, in terms of me asking him to let me know when he was free and how that didn’t mean I was wanting to break up, if I had only listened and believed that he was dumping me the first time he said it, if he hadn’t said the things he did that hurt me so much, if only he hadn't read my whole blog in an emotional state, if only I were not so hurt and angry that I could HEAR what he was saying I would've walked away with the possibility of being friends with him. Now he has no spark for me. I am left feeling used. It’s a relationship breakup. It is what it is, not unusual, really.
I wonder if he really did read my posts and saw everything I said that was positive. Especially in the last 6 months, I was beginning to let go of old thinking and realizing that I was fine the way our relationship was. There were many times I came home from our dates feeling loved and cherished. I felt that our relationship was worth working on. He was coming out of a really tumultuous time and things were looking up for him. I thought that now that things were more settled and he was happy that we could kick back and chat about less loaded issues and just be together. I thought we had a future. It seems I was wrong.
I am not apologizing for the struggle Leo and I went through. I could have been a dedicated and loyal friend and lover for many years to come, if he was looking for that in someone like me, But he wasn't. He told me many times that he could not fulfill my need for closeness to each other, time together, words of love, affection and support almost daily, as well as good conversations that were challenging but led to acceptance and more connection. I chose to continue and see what happened, and so did he. This is where it ended up: with my being dumped. He is not to blame. I am not to blame. It was the course we were on and neither of us are to blame for who we are.
After doing all my reading and thinking, I am left with a feeling of helplessness, sadness, desperateness to be understood, but resigned that it’s over. As far as I can see, I was not interesting enough to keep around anymore. I was a source of happiness at one point, when times were rough, But now that his life is happy and his relationship with his wife is going well, I am not needed. That makes me terribly sad. It triggers something really deep inside of me that I now have to work on.