Tale of the Unicorn

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NaturalUnicorn

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Okay so I am new here today is my first day and this is my first post. I am a unicorn thru and thru. I love couples. I love seeing the dynamic between two people and sort of filling in and finding were I am a good fit. Is beautiful, compersion, being complimentary.. helping to fullfill some desires that aren't prestent in the existing dynamic. And falling in love with two people..its truley amazing.
I have been dating this couple for about 4 mos or so. WE all made a mistake and started things to fast. Long story short...she and I fell in love, him and I were building a relationship slowly but in a good direction. Decided on " alone" time with both me and her and him and I. That turned thing ugly. He got jelious of me and her. She got insecure about him and I's quality of relationship. Because of his weird jelious actions I decided to put our relationship on pause..till we could see where all the jeliousy was comming from. When he found that out..that i wanted a pause... he freaked and ended the whole thing. Gave wife an ultimatum of never talk to me or they divorce....she agreed to that. We were all heart broken.
1 month later, they call and want to talk.
We transition into friendship..even though its difficult for all of us.
Crazy turn of events happen..she has some type of relationship identiy crisis 48 hr "break" from her husband. Then reconnects.
So they can reconnect, they ask me again..for space and no contact.
I text a simple "good morning". they freak out.
Again..no contact for 1 week
Now again they ask me to come over... they say..we wanted you out of our lives romantically however there are to many signs pointing in a different direction. ( I was matched with her and them on okc, they have tried deleting photo's of me that "magically" reappear..uhuh... they miss me..etc)
I told them I can't take on both of them at once. The trust is gone. I don't like the way the flopped me around.. in and out of their life. don't like how she consented to not talking to me even though she was " in love" with me. I don't like how i allowed myself to be this wimpering puppy waiting for them to come back to me...all of it was ugly.
But now. I am willing to give each of them a chance.. we had a long talk last night.
I said I won't date each of you at the same time to start. But I will date one and then the other and then hopefully come together to a nice triad again..I just want to see if I can be solid with each of them first.
I want this..and I want it to work..but my gutt says.. he will be jelious and weird again.. she will be flimsy with her committment to me again. Its true if there is trouble in paradise... the unicorn this beautiful warm hearted affectionate passionate creature is the fist to get thrown in the mudd. I know what I want.. I just don't see how its gonna work...
Please share.. thoughts, ideas's wisdom..expericances.. what ever.
 
My background: I was in a long term relationship with a couple. I loved them both, but was only sexually involved with him. The other female and I had interests outside of her husband and spent lots of time together on our mutual interests. We called ourselves a triad despite the lack of a sexual component between myself and the other female. It was a beautiful experience. It lasted a couple of decades, until he suddenly passed away.

Fast forward: thought I was entering into the same type of dynamic. It was great until the other female who had been promoting a marriage ceremony for the 3 of us, suddenly did a 180 with no explanation. Her husband kept seeking the root of her feeling with the idea that whatever it was could be addressed. My gut feeling was that whatever the cause, it couldn't be fixed. I lived in limbo for months as the husband tried to understand and allay her fears. It was agonizing. Eventually, she too gave him an ultimatum which would deny the husband and I any kind of a friendship. A year after I left their lives, they separated and are currently divorcing.

Due to my last experience, my instinct is to tell you to listen to your gut and run. However, you seem more adept at drawing boundaries than I was, and so perhaps it is not necessary to give up yet. However, here is the question I would ask before proceeding if you have not already asked it: what has changed that makes them think they are capable of behaving differently than before? The fact they love you is not enough. I was loved too. It made me stay far longer than I should have. It didn't change the outcome.
 
I am new to all this and I have never been in a triad relationship but it sounds like there is something unsaid and it doesn't seem to be you who needs to swallow their fear and put it out there. If it is not discussed, how can it be fixed.... I know it can be hard to say something that you know will hurt the feelings of another but in your case, feelings have already been hurt by not coming out with it. Did they give you any good explanation for the sudden mood changes? Nobody is perfect and I am always willing to talk and forgive if people honestly tell me "hey, that freaked me out so I was being a butt about it, I'm sorry". Just a thought for whatever it's worth....

Good luck!
 
"Unicorn" doesn't simply mean someone who dates couples. It means someone who doesn't have their own personhood and exists only to fill a role in a relationship -- not as a human being with thoughts and feelings, but as a placeholder.

If you were a real unicorn, you would enjoy being tossed around and having your emotions played with and the on-again-off-again. You would never have grown closer to one of the couple, because unicorns always love both people equally. You would wait at their beck and call whenever they have couple-issues to work out, and then you would rush back when they show the slightest interest in allowing you. And you certainly wouldn't have alone time with either of the partners, because unicorns only have sex and intimacy in threesomes.

That's why it's called "unicorn" and not some other, non-imaginary creature.

Cut them loose. They're not ready for this. They practice avoidance rather than confronting their problems. A break from a relationship can be useful to see if you really want to be together, not as a constant coping mechanism to avoid dealing with problems when they get to be overwhelming.
 
That's a toughie. When I was in my 20's, I was often the "unicorn" in relationships with couples. My longest was a 2yr relationship, we all three met at the same time and started dating each other, so it wasn't that they were a couple and I joined them. Even so, maintaining the balance between 3 people is darned difficult--they are married now, I left them when I realized I was in love with her, she was in love with him, and he was in love with having two girlfriends. There's always jealousy, and someone will love someone else more than the other, etc.. Anyone thinking all three relationships will be even-steven and exactly the same is dreaming. All parties need to be ok with the fact that there will be some iniquities.

I'd say proceed with caution. Maybe now they've had a bit of time to get their feet under 'em they can treat you the way you deserve to be treated. They've used up their allotted mistakes imo, and it doesn't seem like they took good care of your feelings. I would be so hurt if I had been discarded the way you describe, and that they continued looking for a unicorn on OKC--WTF?
 
My background: I was in a long term relationship with a couple. I loved them both, but was only sexually involved with him. The other female and I had interests outside of her husband and spent lots of time together on our mutual interests. We called ourselves a triad despite the lack of a sexual component between myself and the other female. It was a beautiful experience. It lasted a couple of decades, until he suddenly passed away.

Fast forward: thought I was entering into the same type of dynamic. It was great until the other female who had been promoting a marriage ceremony for the 3 of us, suddenly did a 180 with no explanation. Her husband kept seeking the root of her feeling with the idea that whatever it was could be addressed. My gut feeling was that whatever the cause, it couldn't be fixed. I lived in limbo for months as the husband tried to understand and allay her fears. It was agonizing. Eventually, she too gave him an ultimatum which would deny the husband and I any kind of a friendship. A year after I left their lives, they separated and are currently divorcing.

Due to my last experience, my instinct is to tell you to listen to your gut and run. However, you seem more adept at drawing boundaries than I was, and so perhaps it is not necessary to give up yet. However, here is the question I would ask before proceeding if you have not already asked it: what has changed that makes them think they are capable of behaving differently than before? The fact they love you is not enough. I was loved too. It made me stay far longer than I should have. It didn't change the outcome.
I am so sorry to hear of the first one's passing. I can't imagine. However I know it feels to lose a loved one. And my heart wishes for you..stamina, health, and closure and rebirth.. you have my support. Thanks so much for sharing your story. Yes an update. They accepted my offer to build a connection with one..and then the other...He and I are dating first....since we had the most to work on.. we decided to put it all under the bridge and start anew. We have addressed what we needed to and more comes up everytime we are around eachother.. but my gutt still screams....RUN! but the other half of me screams..." they said sorry and they mean it and you want this to work" I am torn. A state I don't often find myself in...it is terrible and I try not to give it life...
Anyway.. thanks for your response. .poiniant.. the idea that them loving me isn't enough.. I will chew on that one.. One Unicorn to another... God bless. :)
 
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"Unicorn" doesn't simply mean someone who dates couples. It means someone who doesn't have their own personhood and exists only to fill a role in a relationship -- not as a human being with thoughts and feelings, but as a placeholder.

If you were a real unicorn, you would enjoy being tossed around and having your emotions played with and the on-again-off-again. You would never have grown closer to one of the couple, because unicorns always love both people equally. You would wait at their beck and call whenever they have couple-issues to work out, and then you would rush back when they show the slightest interest in allowing you. And you certainly wouldn't have alone time with either of the partners, because unicorns only have sex and intimacy in threesomes.

That's why it's called "unicorn" and not some other, non-imaginary creature.

Cut them loose. They're not ready for this. They practice avoidance rather than confronting their problems. A break from a relationship can be useful to see if you really want to be together, not as a constant coping mechanism to avoid dealing with problems when they get to be overwhelming.
Okay.. um thanks for your view on Unicorns.. your the first to correct my use of the term.. and the "poly" list of terms and abbreviations.. However all the same.. that Unicorn you described.. I agree..isn't me.
And you many be right.. they admitted not being ready before the split..and now they have begged for forgiveness and apologized tremendously. And asked respectfully for my attention and time.
In short, the weren't ready then.. but are they now?
I;m not sure.. and my gutt screams at me.. But I'm gonna stick it out and see where it all goes with him and her.
My apologies if my " misuse" of the sacred Unicorn term, offends you. Again you are the first and only to correct me.
I believe in Poly we all have our own interpretations of terms, and what the lifestyle is and means and how it fits us as individuals... thank you.. sweet person for sharing your ideas.
 
That's a toughie. When I was in my 20's, I was often the "unicorn" in relationships with couples. My longest was a 2yr relationship, we all three met at the same time and started dating each other, so it wasn't that they were a couple and I joined them. Even so, maintaining the balance between 3 people is darned difficult--they are married now, I left them when I realized I was in love with her, she was in love with him, and he was in love with having two girlfriends. There's always jealousy, and someone will love someone else more than the other, etc.. Anyone thinking all three relationships will be even-steven and exactly the same is dreaming. All parties need to be ok with the fact that there will be some iniquities.

I'd say proceed with caution. Maybe now they've had a bit of time to get their feet under 'em they can treat you the way you deserve to be treated. They've used up their allotted mistakes imo, and it doesn't seem like they took good care of your feelings. I would be so hurt if I had been discarded the way you describe, and that they continued looking for a unicorn on OKC--WTF?

Yes it was shocking to see they were looking for a someone else. And she was looking alone for a gf...as an attached woman. Funny. Yes they did discard me.. quite wrongly..
I like that idea.. used all of their alloted mistakes.. they swear they have learned and changed...
We will see.
I proceed with ears to the ground and eyes wide open.
Thank you for your thoughts and kind words...
 
My apologies if my " misuse" of the sacred Unicorn term, offends you. Again you are the first and only to correct me.
I believe in Poly we all have our own interpretations of terms, and what the lifestyle is and means and how it fits us as individuals... thank you.. sweet person for sharing your ideas.

The reason why you hadn't been corrected is because there are a lot of couples out there who have an interest in projecting a positive spin on the term.
I have seen couples profiles asking for 'their special unicorn' but that is a sure sign of complete inexperience and lack of any sort of research. No one replies and so they then complain until someone points out to them that 'no single woman in the poly world would call herself that because it is a disparaging term.
Schrodingers Cat "corrected" you because she was being honest and thoughtful, it would be a good idea to take her words seriously and not put it down to personal "interpretations" or "sharing (her) ideas".
 
The reason why you hadn't been corrected is because there are a lot of couples out there who have an interest in projecting a positive spin on the term.
I have seen couples profiles asking for 'their special unicorn' but that is a sure sign of complete inexperience and lack of any sort of research. No one replies and so they then complain until someone points out to them that 'no single woman in the poly world would call herself that because it is a disparaging term.
Schrodingers Cat "corrected" you because she was being honest and thoughtful, it would be a good idea to take her words seriously and not put it down to personal "interpretations" or "sharing (her) ideas".

I'll have to add my agreement to the definition of the unicorn term. You say you enjoy being in love/relationship with a couple for various reasons. But you do have boundaries and the IDEA (!) that you deserve and can demand one on one dates with each member of the sacred couple. Imagine that! The effrontery!

Couples searching for unicorns generally think this woman should agree to only 3way dates, only 3way sex scenes, whereas they, the couple, get to live together one and one, have sex just the 2 of them, of course have dates, visit friends and family, go on vacations, as a 2 person unit.

They think "adding" a woman to their marriage will mean she stays at home, out of sight, or if with them in public, no PDAs, no introduction as their gf. If she wants a child by the guy, uh oh, not sure, whereas the wife of the couple of course can get pregnant. If the couple does have a kid, of course the unicorn will do lots of childcare for their offspring, without being given 2nd mother status. And unicorns need to be fidelitous to their couple. No other partner(s) for her, either a single bf or gf, or another couple. The couple looking for a unicorn thinks having her be poly fi and only having 3way sex and dates will prevent jealousy and discord in the holy couple. The unicorns desires don't matter.

If she doesn't agree to any of these rules, she's out on her ass, while they go forward in coupledom, looking for another woman with low self esteem and weak boundaries who will agree to this substandard relationship status.
 
My apologies if my " misuse" of the sacred Unicorn term, offends you. Again you are the first and only to correct me.
I believe in Poly we all have our own interpretations of terms, and what the lifestyle is and means and how it fits us as individuals... thank you.. sweet person for sharing your ideas.

I love your last line, it's bang on.

Don't pay the anti-unicorn banter too much mind...there's a certain corner of the poly web that has an axe to grind where it concerns unicorn hunters. So unfortunately there's been a lot of conflagration of the unicorn term itself, with a lot of BS behavior which tends to correlate with it in venues like this...the places where people come to vent their woes...so that's all we usually see.

However, correlation is not the same as causation and the extra baggage that has been foisted upon the term doesn't actually belong there as part of the base definition. It certainly does not need to be presented as derogatory, particularly to the unicorns...although it is usually in the realm of at least condescending when used in regards to the hunters.

More importantly, if you with to wear a certain label, for ease of communication, identification, or whatever other reason that you decide it suits you, please by all means feel free to. I would expect other forum members to be respectful of that, and avoid slapping their own labels over-top since I don't think most would appreciate it being done to them.


Now, since there's not really much point in re-hashing the ongoing terminology debate here, since it's routinely flogged to death in other more appropriate areas of the forum, let's talk about your couple.


As much as I'm not a fan of applying generalizations to broad categories of people, the story of your individuals does bare many familiar marking of the stereotype. They seem new, and apparently wholly unprepared for the experience. I think others have already mentioned that you should trust your gut, and it sounds like you've already got a well established assertiveness where it comes to making sure you take care of you in this.

So it's really just a matter of figuring out what you want, and what you're willing to put up with, and when.
So the short list of choices as I see it...
1. Cut & run, and find a new couple that has the experience so that your own needs can also be actualized, as well as theirs.
2. Play the waiting game, and let them figure things out with someone else, and make sure they've really figured it out before you try them out again.
3. Take the plunge, grab the rollercoaster, and train them up yourself...

And as life tends to be the way it is...no guarantees are warranted or implied in any of these avenues.
 
Ugh, sorry you are going through this. These people do not seem ready for any type of poly relationship, let alone a triad! You deserve better than this!

I would trust your gut. Cut and run! Coming from a person in a long term triad, the way I see it is they are treating you with an extreme lack of empathy. You need to have empathy for your partners to make a triad work. They just don't care enough about you to make this happen.

Also, call yourself a unicorn if you want. People on here get their panties in a bunch about unicorns and unicorn hunters. The reality is lots of them have 'failed' poly relationships too, but that is seen as ok. Even to the point relationships where the primary relationship results in divorce due partially to the introduction of poly. It's only when a triad is spoken of that people come down with fire and brimstone. You do you.
 
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Hi! First post.
Thank you for sharing, all of you. I am in a position of having a wife who is more bi than we thought at the beginning of our six plus years of a good relationship. I had stuffed myself into monogamy because that was the right thing to do and I do not cheat. Now. She is looking to have a gf for sex she says, but I suspect a loving relationship is not out of the question. I am having to rethink and refeel my orientation and choices re poly, which many years ago, I thought, was THE answer to all my longings. I have been reading about poly and realize this is not for sissies. I am also at a place where I am opening up again.
How does this relate to a unicorn. I would like a triad of loving togetherness, shared life in al it's messiness and chores. I am becoming more fearless again and I wish you, Unicorn, to find a couple who can respect you, cherish you and see you as autonomous as you are a part of the group. Yup, inequity is part of life. No such thing as fair all the time. We expect much too much and become resentful as a result. How we work through this and what actions are next is what makes the person a spiritual and hopefully authentic individual. Again - thanks you for sharing Unicorn and all others.
 
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Long but important read

Davidlnoble.com on Unicorn hunters and the Unicorn. I learnt a lot about what not to do. It might be better to look for a Z relationship than a triad, since it seems to me that whenever anyone comes in to a well established relationship from the outside it is a position of disadvantage, so to speak, as expectations and the motivation for seeking the unicorn are likely to be to fulfill the needs that neither partner can meet for the other in the dyad. Again - I learnt a shit ton of important considerations that helped me clarify my position. Good Luck , hugs and lots of love!

http://davidlnoble.com/so-somebody-called-you-a-unicorn-hunter/
 
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It's only when a triad is spoken of that people come down with fire and brimstone.

I have nothing against triads. From what I hear, when they work, they're amazing to be in. My objection to the self-application of the label "unicorn" is not that they're looking for triads. If that's what floats your boat, then that's absolutely fantastic.

My apologies if my " misuse" of the sacred Unicorn term, offends you.

There are two ways to "reclaim" a label. One is blindly, without knowing what it commonly is understood to mean. The other is deliberately, with the conscious intention of re-writing the book.

For example, I know gay men who refer to themselves as "fags" because they want to take that word's power away from homophobes. I know disabled people who call themselves "crippled" so that others can't use it as an insult against them. Likewise, I myself love to use the word "cunt" as a way of saying "Fuck you" to misogynist pigs who use it derogatorily.

If it is your deliberate intention to reclaim the label "unicorn" as a way of saying "Fuck you, triad haters" then more power to you. But it was reasonably clear from your introduction that this was not your intent, that you were not aware of the common usage. Your justifications were of why you like to date couples, not why you chose that term to describe your preference for dating couples.

Labels for the sake of easy communication must conform to commonly understood definitions, since that conformity is precisely what makes the communication easy. I can't label myself as "a doctor" and then expect people to understand that I mean "I have a PhD in astrophysics."

Labels for the sake of personal identity can take absolutely any form you want, provided you explain your definition of the label. This is assuming that if you're taking the time to form a personal identity and then using labels to describe it to other people, it actually matters to you that they understand your personal identity the way you intend it and not the way they expect it.

By all means, if you want to personally claim the label "unicorn" as meaning "I date couples," then that's your privilege. But privilege comes with responsibility. In this case, it's the responsibility to make it clear to your readers that you are deliberately reclaiming the label, and not merely misunderstanding it.
 
By all means, if you want to personally claim the label "unicorn" as meaning "I date couples," then that's your privilege. But privilege comes with responsibility. In this case, it's the responsibility to make it clear to your readers that you are deliberately reclaiming the label, and not merely misunderstanding it.

People use the label "unicorn" all the time to connote a woman who dates both members of a hetero couple. I do not believe anyone truly expects said woman to be mythically perfect: equally attracted to both of the couple, secondary to the hetero couple, etc.. It is just easier to say "I'm a unicorn" than to say "I'm a woman involved with both members of a heterosexual couple who were already together when I got involved."

I disagree that the poster has any responsibility to "reclaim the label." We all know what she means by "unicorn," and if the reader is attaching all kinds of baggage to the term, that's the reader's issue. I just took it as the poster is a female dating a couple, and her relationship to them is as unique as anyone's relationship to anyone. Obviously, there is a need for a word to describe such a person, and unless someone can come up with a better or more succinct term, unicorn it is.
 
People use the label "unicorn" all the time

No "people" don't. Couples looking for Unicorns do, the rest of the time it is used in a disparaging way or, more rarely, as SC said, by people who don't know it is used disparagingly.
 
Why would a couple use a disparaging term to try to attract a lover?
 
Actually I think LoveBunny is bang on target. I really don't think Unicorn is so far-gone as to be a derogatory term except in a few small circles of people who are TRYING to make it so. It does not need to be reclaimed, as much as sanctuary from those who are trying to hijack it.

More to the point, the discussion of the label itself is not really the OP's original topic, so let's get back on track please.
 
People use the label "unicorn" all the time to connote a woman who dates both members of a hetero couple. I do not believe anyone truly expects said woman to be mythically perfect: equally attracted to both of the couple, secondary to the hetero couple, etc.

They do though! If you read the boards for a few months, and read around other places online, you will see that attitude a lot. More from the rejected single gal than from the couple who treated her like shit and then dumped her. Said couple will then go on looking for another unicorn who WILL have those qualities and ability to love and lust equally for 2 separate persons. And be disappointed, and hurt another naive woman once again.

BTW, a unicorn is not dating both members of a hetero couple, she's dating a bi woman and a straight (possibly bi) guy, a partnered unit. If the woman of the couple was hetero, she wouldn't be wanting to fuck another woman. Sometimes she is dating a couple wherein the woman has realized she is a lesbian, but doesnt want to split with her husband...

It is just easier to say "I'm a unicorn" than to say "I'm a woman involved with both members of a heterosexual couple who were already together when I got involved."

If people want to call themselves a mythical beast that doesn't exist, just to save typing a few words, they can go ahead. Why they would do that, since the term does have great negative baggage for anyone who has been researching or practicing non-monogamy for more than a few months, I do not know.

I disagree that the poster has any responsibility to "reclaim the label." We all know what she means by "unicorn," and if the reader is attaching all kinds of baggage to the term, that's the reader's issue. I just took it as the poster is a female dating a couple, and her relationship to them is as unique as anyone's relationship to anyone. Obviously, there is a need for a word to describe such a person, and unless someone can come up with a better or more succinct term, unicorn it is.


No "people" don't. Couples looking for Unicorns do, the rest of the time it is used in a disparaging way or, more rarely, as SC said, by people who don't know it is used disparagingly.

This.
How about "couple fucker?" "Couple dater," for those with delicate sensibilities.:):rolleyes::p

Actually I think LoveBunny is bang on target. I really don't think Unicorn is so far-gone as to be a derogatory term except in a few small circles of people who are TRYING to make it so. It does not need to be reclaimed, as much as sanctuary from those who are trying to hijack it.

I couldnt disagree more, II. The very term implies a person with imaginary qualities no one has.

Just because you are a mod, I do not think it's fair for you to have the final word, when your statements show an inaccurate understanding of an important polyamorous concept.

More to the point, the discussion of the label itself is not really the OP's original topic, so let's get back on track please.


The problems listed in the OP are typical behaviours of unicorn seekers. No one on one dating or sex! A unicorn (mythical beast) would go, "Fine! 3ways it is. I don't need to bond one on one with either of you, even though you both get couple time with each other whenever you want."

A woman with a mind of her own would object to this rule, as the OP indeed has.
 
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