I think I am poly, now what?

CuriousGreg

New member
My title is probably a little understating how big the Now What? really is.

I have been married for 2 1/2 years and throughout that time I have on occassion felt a stong atraction and I mean physical and emotional to other women. I never pursue and in fact distance myself from the invoker of these feelings and then I feel guilty about it.

I have told myself that the honest thing to do given my traditional marriage is to either avoid some of these people or make it clear that I am married and that things can't go anywhere. I still feel bad.

Back in the spring my wife and I hit a big rough spot and we've been trying to save our marriage ever since from her point of view and trying to see if it can work from my point of view. I think I should say that I was never big into the marriage or life partner idea in the first time but I found someone that I thought it could work. I always have also thought that she is one of many loves that I could be with.

Part of what happened for her was she developed feelings for another man and told me about it. She broke things off and treated the situation as I would have essentially but this made her question the marriage. They were deffinitevely being emotionally intimate with eachother but never physically. She felt horribly guilty about the whole thing and was afraid to tell me.

I was not jealous and I wasn't mad. I would have been mad if she had engaged in a physical relationalship without my knowledge and at the time I didn't really consider what if I did have knowledge of it? She also has tried to question me since then as to where that line where inappropriate is crossed for me. The only definitve answer I have is that entering a physical relationship behind my back is a complete non-starter and terminator of a relationship. My response to the actual flirting was that I was happy that someone made her feel special.

She is the jealous type. She doesn't like it when I have other female friends but she trusts me and aknowledges that this is her insecurity and doesn't ask me to not be friends with anyone. She doesn't like women immediately if she perceives them to have been flirting with me. I, to make matters worse, evidently am not terribly perceptive to being flirted with.

So I began reading about poly relationships and taking those 'highly scientific' online quizzes and I score fairly poly on them all to varying degrees but always in the poly range.

I have decided to tell her about all of this today. I think its part of the reason I am not happy in the marriage.

So how did people come to terms with the idea of being poly? It was never a thought to me because its not something I ever encountered in my personal life.
Any tips on how to approach this conversation? My default is basically be blunt and leave as little ambiguity to how I feel as possible.

Advice pertaining to any of this? Line your opinions up, I am pretty open minded and thick skinned so have a field day and pick this apart.

The last thing I want to say is that I think the idea of everyone knowing eachother and at least being friends sounds amazing. I am straight and that means that I could not be intimate with a male in the same way as a women which I am actually okay with (all in theory at this point obviously) but I think ideally all parties would be intimate with eachother all on the same level.

The more
 
Do you want to keep your marriage?
 
Do you want to keep your marriage?

I cannot answer that question simply since the matter is not black and white to me.

I had come to the conclusion that I do not think we can work as a couple and both be happy. I told her this and we had a long talk but she's fighting to hold on and its a consequence of this conversation that I realized I feel that I love more than one person at a time. I don't want to feel like I am being shoved into a box I don't fit in though and I would be astonished if she actually went along with this at all.

I think marriage is arbitrary and that peoples needs change throughout life and who is good for you now might not be later. Marriage was important to her and I don't oppose it and wanted the relationship to continue so we got married. She knows my feelings about marriage.

I still love her but I am not willing to not be me.
 
Then divorce her... Get your ducks in line. (All of them) Then worry about poly.

You have unfinished businesses that needs to be taken care of and it its NOT FAIR to pull someone into a potential shit storm.
 
Then divorce her... Get your ducks in line. (All of them) Then worry about poly.

You have unfinished businesses that needs to be taken care of and it its NOT FAIR to pull someone into a potential shit storm.

I agree which is why I had the conversation with her but she seems to disagree and is refusing to quit fighting. So now I feel that I need to bring all these other things which are really me issues not us issues into the equation.
 
It takes two to fight.

Remove yourself from the situation. Go stay with family and out friends. Out get yourself somewhere to stay.

Seek counseling... Either marriage or at least individual.

Stop making excuses and do the right thing.
 
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It takes two to fight.

Remove yourself from the situation. Go stay with family and out friends. Out get yourself somewhere to stay.

Seek counseling... Either marriage or at least individual.

Stop making excuses and do the right thing.

I was thinking I should have included all of this while I was making my cofee. I was trying not to write a book.

We have sought counseling both of us and both personal and couples starting about 9 months ago. We have been physically separated for 7 months now and I have had my own place for over 6 of them. We are completely unintertwined financially. She will not let go.

I refuse to lie to her so she knows that I still love her but I won't say it either. I am also not an absolutist so I would never say we cannot work things out but I do not think trying to is in mine or her's best interest. However she has the love is all you need perspective and thus refuses to give up.
 
If you are to the point that you don't think the marriage can survive, then you have nothing to lose by laying out to her what you want in life and relationships - while respecting what she wants in life and relationships. You may just come to the conclusion that even though you love one another you are fundamentally different regarding lifestyle.

You stated she is driven to "hang on," so I would make it clear that the issue at hand isn't a problem with the basic relationship between the two of you, but in that you find it easy and desireable to love more than one. Make it clear that this will not change - and that there is no point in hanging hoping that you will change.

Given her jealousy, she currently does not have the skills for poly, but they could be developed if she is interested in trying. That said, if she is truly mono, it will be very difficult for her to come to terms with you being poly (although we do have some poly-mono configurations on the forum), and she may be happier not dealing with it at all.
 
Let me put it to you this way. My marriage was pretty solid when I started my poly journey.

It almost destroyed my marriage. Poly will put a spotlight on every crack and flaw in your marriage and make those flaws magnify.

Poly does not fix damaged relationships. It never fixes what is broken.

Again do the right thing and get your shit together before perusing Polyamory.

The she won't let go is a BS excuse. She can not hold onto you if you do not want her to. Do things the right way. Again it is not fair to drag another person into your shit storm. People are not experiments.
 
Yeah, I am not interested in pursuing any relationship right now. I want to come to terms with this new perspective on my own and then reach out some time down the road.

This is why I was interested in people's own experiences.

I am with you on ending the marriage, don't think that I am not but she is asking for explanations and after the better part of a decade (only married 2 1/2 years) I think she deserves explanations. So the question is not what to do but how and that is where I am stuck.

She deserves closure, she's been a loyal partner and I need to reconcile giving her that while being honest with myself and her. I don't want to needlessly drag her into my personal issues though. So where is the line?
 
You do not need to give any other explanation other than I am sorry this is not working anymore it is over. Then work at disentangling your finances.

No reason to give any explanation beyond that. She is going to take anyexplanation as a personal attack or challenge.

Stop dragging things out and end your relationship like ripping off a stuck bandage. Yes it hurts like a son of a Bitch for a bit but hurts a lot less than taking it off slowly.
 
Thanks Dagferi but I don't think you are getting what I am looking for here, it's comradery and understanding about what its like to explore this new part of myself. Its easy to feel like no one else has gone through this before even when you know its not true, that's why I am here.

I know I need to not drag things out and am not doing so. Those bandaids can be pretty sticky though and sometimes it takes a couple showers before you get all of that residue off. I am standing firm but I disagree that she does not deserve more than 'it's over' after 9 years together as of this winter.

I appreciate the information on how hard it was on your marriage and that's what I would expect and we were not on solid footing before this so I really don't think it would improve anything.
 
And you are either totally missing this point our conveniently ignoring it.

Do not bring anyone into your life whether you're poly or mono until you're life is at a stable point. Going through a break up, divorce, or any other stressful time is NOT the time to begin new relationships.

Forget about dating or poly until then.

If you do not want the advice of those experienced in Polyamory and quite frankly successful long term relationshipa them don't listen to our advice. Hell my advice would be the same to a monogamous person.
 
Dagferi, I think you have missed multiple statements I have made:

1. finances are completely un-intertwined and so are all living arrangements. Irrelevant but you brought it up after I explicitely said this.

2. I have no interest in being in a relationship, period. I explicitely said this as well.

You are misunderstanding what I am saying and not hearing it. I want to know I am not the only one who has been in this situation before, for moral support as I go at this journey alone. I am not entering relationships of any variety until I am completely comfortable with myself. I don't know how more explcicit I can be about this.

I come and ask for compassion and understanding, to not feel alone while in a tough situation and I receive only a critique of the perceived manner in which events have unfolded. I must say I am disappointed.
 
You are married to someone who has the potential to make your life hell. Legally and emotionally.

If you start seeing someone new are you sure your wife will not cause drama?

If you do not want a relationship then knock yourself out date as many people a you want. Stop worrying about relationships that do not exist yet. It is hard enough to find decent relationships when mono. Being poly narrows that field a lot more. Join your local poly community.. read read read... Especially peoples experiences. While in theory poly sounds like a blast. Shows like the one on showtime make it look like a sex fueled party. It is not. But cross that bridge when it happens.
 
Thanks Dagferi, I appreciate you trying to help me here. I am not going to date, I do not believe it is the right thing to do until the divorce is final and I come to terms with myself and a possible change in self identity of sorts. I had no idea there was a showtime show. I don't watch much TV of any kind.

I was looking back and I posted in the Relationship corner because I am ending a relationship... this was at like 4am my time after having been up since 8am the day before and having had the hours long divorce conversation. I think my foggy mind probably should have put this into a different thread. So looking back I see that that probably caused some confusion, sorry.

I wanted to reach out right then is all but my mental functions were not operating at full capacity at all. I would move this thread to general discussions if I could figure out how...
 
I can move it for you.

As for your questions, poke around a bit and see what you find that's relevant. Searching for "divorce" or "opening up" might be good places to start. Not all of what you find will be relevant, but at least you'll see you're not the first to have to deal with this.

It sounds like you're going about it as well as you can for the time being. You're thinking things through logically and not falling into the all-to-common trap of rushing off to find someone to act as relationship spack filler. I do think Dagferi is right about you looking for excuses to put off a divorce, but it's a huge change and it's only human to want to take baby steps into the unknown.
 
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I am looking for....comradery and understanding about what its like to explore this new part of myself. Its easy to feel like no one else has gone through this before even when you know its not true, that's why I am here.

Welcome to the forum! I have gotten a lot of support and feedback here and it has really helped me. I suggest you do some reading since there is a wealth of information here- all written by people who are either living a poly lifestyle or trying to understand it.

I think the most supportive forums are all about sharing ideas, experiences, dreams, desires, fears and more.....and there is a smorgasboard of all of that here!

I wanted to welcome you here because I feel like Dagferi is being pretty reactive and inappropriately bossy. I don't even agree with the advice being given and I really think it's better to refrain from such strong opinionated advice- especially when welcoming a person who just made their first post on a site- looking for support.

So- please don't think everyone here is going to tell you what you need to do. I don't even tell my lifelong friends what they need to do.....who even knows what someone else needs to do. That's crazy.

I will share a bit of my experience. After 6 years together, Richard and I had broken up (for the second time) and we had been convinced that there was no hope for us.

I found out about polyamory and resonated with it immediately. I talked to Richard about it and we started seeing each other again as a poly couple. It has worked out very well for us and we have been together as poly for 4 years.

I suggest that you disregard the "advice" being given to you and I might even suggest to Dagferi (who is probably well meaning) to be more supportive rather than jumping right in to a persons first post and assume immediately that you know exactly what this person NEEDS to do. It's not supportive.
 
If you do not want the advice of those experienced in Polyamory and quite frankly successful long term relationshipa them don't listen to our advice. Hell my advice would be the same to a monogamous person.

He didn't say he was here for advice. He came here for support. It seems like you are projecting all of your stuff onto him and you're not even listening to him. You kind of attacked him right away. I'm sure you have a lot to share that would benefit others, it just may be more appreciated if you weren't so aggressive and such a know-it-all.
 
Pot meet kettle idealist you are being quite judgmental yourself right now. If you want to be nit picky about it. Difference is it doesn't bother me. You can't hear my intention not my tone of voice
. God forbid I feel like folks need to have their baggage in order before dragging someone into something that has the potential to be a royal shit storm. We have had how many threads recently about etudes torpedoing their husbands relationships?

Sorry holding hands and singing Kumbya is not my style. I am an INTJ we call it like we see it. Sometimes folks need things laid out bluntly and honestly.
 
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