going mono? dating a mono? accckkk!!

lovemultiplied

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how do you navigate potential relationships with people who DON'T want to date you as long as you're in another relationship? Is this just immediately a "hard stop" in your interest in them or do you try to educate them/get them to come around.

My partner struggles with this currently. He's interested in a girl who doesn't want to date him as long as he's in a relationship. This pains him as he is really interested in her but doesn't really know how to go about the situation.

I personally feel that if someone I'm interested can't handle the fact that I'm in a relationship, then they aren't right for me at all anyway. And I definitely don't feel it's at all poly to "give up" one relationship for another. How do you find the balance?

If you don't mind me asking, currently, how many relationships are you navagating? Are any of them monogamous solely with you? Have you ever successfully dated a monogamous person?
 
I've had that happen. I said "oh well" and moved on.

The other choice would be to give up a perfectly good relationship (the open marriage) to take a chance that probably wouldn't work with the new monogamous person.

It's about being mature and self-aware and realizing that the only person you can control is yourself.
 
In my experience, things have a better chance of working out when you embark upon relationships with people *as they actually are* rather than *as you'd wish them to be*

In this case, she'd wish your partner was single, with no other partners (and implicitly, available for a monogamous commitment to her and her alone).

Meanwhile, your partner wishes that she would be accepting (eventually) of his relationship with you.

All the chemistry in the world probably can't bridge the gap between these wishes and reality, IMHO
 
Both of my men are monogamous with me, but they knew each other as well.. we all live together. The relationship was healthy because we all knew and accepted the fact I was in love with both of them. I agree with AggieSez you can't have a relationship with someone you have to change to have a relationship with. It's not fair to you, your partner, or them. period.
 
mmmm, we are evidently both in a fb group together.

As I said, there, if someone isn't ok with me having other relationships, then we aren't compatible. It doesn't matter how much I may be attracted to them-we aren't compatible because I DO have other relationships. So, that is a hard limit-non-negotiable.

Currently I have a husband and a live in boyfriend. My boyfriend is monogamous to me (not by requirement, by choice). My husband has had girlfriends but currently does not, but he is seeking one.
 
I personally feel that if someone I'm interested can't handle the fact that I'm in a relationship, then they aren't right for me at all anyway.
THIS. I agree 100%, as does TGIB (as would MC if he weren't mono).

If she's willing to open her mind to other possibilities, awesome, he can keep trying to explain it in a way that will click with her. But if it's a hard limit for her? There's nothing he can do to get what he wants, just move on and keeping meeting new people. Keep her as a friend, if possible.

If you don't mind me asking, currently, how many relationships are you navigating? Are any of them monogamous solely with you? Have you ever successfully dated a monogamous person?
2, yes, and yes. I've been with MC for 15 years, so I'd call that successful. Both MC and TGIB are currently only each with me- the comment was made the other day that I'm just that much work, neither of them have time for any additional relationships. :p
 
Oh well, just because we want someone doesn't mean we get to have them. So, he's attracted to her and interested, but she isn't into being with a guy who has a partner -- so what is there to fuss about? She's a "no go." Plain and simple.

If he was mono and single, asked a woman out, and she turned him down because she wasn't interested in dating him, would he try all kinds of ways to convince her she should? There has to be respect for her position, and if he isn't about to ditch you for her, well, he would do well to keep looking. The crush or attraction he feels for her will likely fade in time. Why expend unnecessary energy on someone who is a "no" when he'd be better off looking for a "yes?" Plenty of fish, as they say.

Now, it would be different if she was wishy-washy when she turned him down and said things like, "We-e-eeeellll... I dunno. I've never been in this position before. Maybe if I understood it..." That would be an opening.

But a straightforward "Nope, not interested" doesn't leave any room for much else, does it? So, I'd walk away. Whenever there's been a situation in which I forced my preferences on somebody, it only went kablooey in my face.

- - - - - - - -

As for number of relationships, I am in two with a few other potentials in the making. I'm very slow when it comes to developing additional relationships. None are mono to me.
 
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how do you navigate potential relationships with people who DON'T want to date you as long as you're in another relationship? ...do you try to educate them/get them to come around.

As several others have pointed out, if they don't want to date you, you don't date them. I am one of those (apparently uneducated???) monos seeing a poly man. I'm seeing him despite the fact that he's married, and only because we'd been good friends long before this started was I willing to dip my toe in this. Had he even once taken an attitude of needing to 'educate' me, it would have been over.

Someone who doesn't want to date an attached man is not in need of education. They have different, valid, and legitimate values; they have different, valid, and legitimate desires in life and in relationships. That ought to be respected.

My partner struggles with this currently. He's interested in a girl who doesn't want to date him as long as he's in a relationship. This pains him as he is really interested in her but doesn't really know how to go about the situation.

He goes about it by either becoming someone who is not in a relationship, or respecting her wishes and leaving her alone. She is a human being, not a new toy. We don't always get what we want, especially when it's another person with free will.

I personally feel that if someone I'm interested can't handle the fact that I'm in a relationship...

It's not necessarily about 'can't handle' being in a poly relationship. It's usually about different values and different wishes in a relationship; that is totally legitimate and should be respected, not dismissed as an inability to handle anything.

Are any of them monogamous solely with you? Have you ever successfully dated a monogamous person?

Are you asking this looking for reason to hope your boyfriend can get what he wants by seeing that other people are doing it? Plenty of people on this board do. However the girl in question has told your boyfriend no. She has made her (very legitimate) feelings perfectly clear.
 
how do you navigate potential relationships with people who DON'T want to date you as long as you're in another relationship? Is this just immediately a "hard stop" in your interest in them or do you try to educate them/get them to come around.


I take them at their word and stop pursuing them romantically. My SO does as well, but he tries to educate.


My partner struggles with this currently. He's interested in a girl who doesn't want to date him as long as he's in a relationship. This pains him as he is really interested in her but doesn't really know how to go about the situation.


Accepting it is a start. Conflicted emotions are fine but he can handle a "no thanks".


If you don't mind me asking, currently, how many relationships are you navagating? Are any of them monogamous solely with you? Have you ever successfully dated a monogamous person?


One for now. We're open (he's actively looking, I'm not) for potential. As for successfully dating mono, yes. I did in my last relationship for about a year before it went haywire, and in my current for the past four years.
 
I agree with what everyone says. She amde it clear she's not interested as long as he's in a relationship, he has no intention of giving up his current relationship, end of the story.

I am currently navigating 3 relationships: one is mono with me, the other 2 have additional partners.
 
One of the first (and hardest) lessons I had to learn about this way of life was "mono and poly do not mix."

Someone who is poly will rarely be happy in a monogamous relationship and someone who is monogamous will rarely be happy in a poly relationship. Absolutely not impossible, but unlikely.
 
how do you navigate potential relationships with people who DON'T want to date you as long as you're in another relationship? Is this just immediately a "hard stop" in your interest in them or do you try to educate them/get them to come around.

They have expressed a hard limit. I want to show respect for them so I leave it alone. I say "Bummer. Well, know I think you awesome. I will respect that you do not want to have a romantic relationship with me. Is general friendship off the table as well?"

And then if they are willing to be my friend I keep it in the friend zone. If not, I let it go. Foisting "education" that they do not want on them? That is not kindness or respect.
My partner struggles with this currently. He's interested in a girl who doesn't want to date him as long as he's in a relationship. This pains him as he is really interested in her but doesn't really know how to go about the situation.

He shows respect to her limit. He deals with his disappointment on his own. It will pass. Occupy self with his usualy habits/ hobbies/ interests.

I definitely don't feel it's at all poly to "give up" one relationship for another. How do you find the balance?

I do not date people who have different expectations or wants from a relationship than me. I state what I want and am looking for clearly. I state my needs and limits clearly. Then we check each other's dance cards to see if we line up or not.

If so, yay. Deepen romance.

If not, bummer. Be friends. Yayness that way instead.

If not, part ways amicable. Yayness that way instead.

Any way it plays -- yays for me! :)

If you don't mind me asking, currently, how many relationships are you navigating? Are any of them monogamous solely with you?

1 husband. Closed polyship of 2. Monogamous for yyyyears.
Have you ever successfully dated a monogamous person?

Yup. I was the hinge in MFM "V" -- and BF1? He's today's DH. I'd say it's successful so far if we keep on choosing each other all this time. ;)

BF2 -- we parted ways amicably after enjoying a time together. It was good. So I'd call that a success too. The day I married -- he could not come. He threw us a party where he was living at and served wedding cake amongst his friends. His wedding present to us was a photo album of the "concurrent satellite party" in our honor sharing in our joy. :D

A large part of why I was successful? Even though at the time I did not have words like "polyamory" or "hinge?"

I was clear about not wanting to be exclusive.
I did not make promises I could not keep.
I told the monoamorous guys NOT to play here unless they were SURE they could hold their own baggage.

I am not forcing you to be in relationship with me. Here you have chosen to tread. So you have to own it when there's motion sickness because I'm not offering a conventional model here. This is a polyship.

They owned it. It was fine. I think we all learned a lot.

Not everyone can hack a monoamory/polyamory mismatch. Everyone has the right to choose what relationship shape they want to participate in or not.

GG
 
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