Online Dating… OKCupid... what a trip. What works for you?

I'm not big on the online thing either. Mostly because I don't tend to develop an attraction based on just looks. I do have to be physically attracted to somebody, but that tends to grow based on personality and how we click.

I am up on one site, but honestly I have been so busy lately I hardly check it. Ive found as a lady on dating sites, many times you get an avalanche of emails right away, most of which are one liners (I always picture Joey from friends: "Hey, how YOU doin'?"), and many of which prove they didn't read the profile to begin with. I really should answer them though....

I feel bad about that, if it counts?!

Honestly, right now I just don't have time to go to places to meet anybody. It kind of stinks. Between work/school and family obligations I don't have a lot of free time. I do need to find a hobby or something fun maybe one night a month just to get out of the house for something other than school...
 
I'm not big on the online thing either. Mostly because I don't tend to develop an attraction based on just looks. I do have to be physically attracted to somebody, but that tends to grow based on personality and how we click.

This comment fills me full of nostalgia, as does this topic in general.

for, despite the fact that I said I don't look to the internet TO meet people, my first boyfriend was off the old Atari 400/800 BBS System "The Switchboard" run on NiteLite using ASCII/ATASCII at 300/1200 baud. In fact, I met my current/longtime boyfriend/friend through DDial and its real-world social events. But that was back in the 1980's, when having a computer and modem was itself indicative of belonging to a special-interest group (one might even come to refer to it as a "lifestyle", ALMOST). Back in the day, the ONLY way to interact with folks was through text - there were no avatars or "profile pictures" - and men outnumbered women by at least 50:1 (and yes, i'm pulling numbers out of my ass), so for all you guys who think it's so HAAAAARD (and not in a good way) to get women to notice your OKCupid profile, just be glad you're NOW instead of THEN; imagine your plight if you were trying to pick up chicks on DDial.

Things sure have changed with technology, but one thing is constant - shallow people can be found just about anywhere you look, and so can interesting ones.
 
How do you mean by finding people online. A meat market setup like okc or by chat rooms like this?

I have been online longer the html has been around. I am social online and in real life and have met lots of friends online. Romantically I had never found anyone online until SG.. and the reality is she found me. Not visa versa.

With online you do only get part of the person until you start diving in. The reality is, I bet you learn more about a person. You do miss some of their physical nuances but the conversation is clean and logical. You can find better common ground to meet on..

I think I find a balance between meeting people socially and online. I think sometimes online can create an even stronger bond because you have to find other ways to mesh, instead of relying on pure physical connection.
 
This comment fills me full of nostalgia, as does this topic in general.

for, despite the fact that I said I don't look to the internet TO meet people, my first boyfriend was off the old Atari 400/800 BBS System "The Switchboard" run on NiteLite using ASCII/ATASCII at 300/1200 baud. In fact, I met my current/longtime boyfriend/friend through DDial and its real-world social events. But that was back in the 1980's, when having a computer and modem was itself indicative of belonging to a special-interest group (one might even come to refer to it as a "lifestyle", ALMOST). Back in the day, the ONLY way to interact with folks was through text - there were no avatars or "profile pictures" - and men outnumbered women by at least 50:1 (and yes, i'm pulling numbers out of my ass), so for all you guys who think it's so HAAAAARD (and not in a good way) to get women to notice your OKCupid profile, just be glad you're NOW instead of THEN; imagine your plight if you were trying to pick up chicks on DDial.

Things sure have changed with technology, but one thing is constant - shallow people can be found just about anywhere you look, and so can interesting ones.

Ahhh nostalgia... yes I remember those. Typing faster than the speed of the connection. I ran a multi node bbs on one of those 300 baud modems. I almost shit myself when I upgraded to 2400 baud.
 
At first I thought your thread would be about meeting people online in general, but reading your post you mean dating sites.
In which case, beats me, then again I wouldn't go to the real life equivalent (going to a place where they make you meet a bunch of single and you pick who you want to see again).

However, meeting people online is my thing. Not on purpose at all, just because I'm not very social outside and I spend a lot of time online, like right now. So I usually grow more connections this way, and they can develop into friendship or relationships.

Really, it's the same as yours. I meet people usually on forums, therefore I meet people who have a common interest with me (that forum) and not just random people, and sometimes more happens. It's closer to joining a club and happening to socialise with the other members.

As for why it works for me, I think it's because it's easier to open yourself up online than face to face, when you don't have to look someone in the eye and don't know what each other looks like so it feels more "abstract" in a way, and you're less vulnerable by being yourself. You don't need to hide behind a persona because you're already behind a computer.

At the very least I know I'm more myself online when talking on forums, even when it's my first post on a forum, than I am in social occasions when meeting people for the first time. It takes me much longer to even talk to people when we're face to face. I think the Internet is great for the socially awkward.

But as I don't understand the whole concept of "hey, I wanna date someone now" (without a specific person already in mind), I don't get online dating at all, or matchmaking serviced in general.
 
At first I thought your thread would be about meeting people online in general, but reading your post you mean dating sites.

Derby posted this in "How are you doing" and I moved it to its own thread and gave it the title. Sorry about the misunderstanding that it created, but I think there's room for more than one angle to this discussion.
 
I don't know of any other places to meet people. Sad isn't it? I was actually going to make a thread about where and how to meet new people. Any ideas? Because OKC doesn't work for me.
 
I don't know of any other places to meet people. Sad isn't it? I was actually going to make a thread about where and how to meet new people. Any ideas? Because OKC doesn't work for me.

What do you enjoy doing? Seems to me if you're open about who you are and what your relationship structure is the right sort of people will just kind of find you. I do know that you have mentioned before not liking your local poly group much otherwise I would suggest that.
 
I have enjoyed talking on message board, getting to "know" people that way.

I've only MET in real life-2 people who I "met" on a message board. ;) They were awesome and the experience has motivated me to REALLY long to go meet more of the people in their general area.

As far as dating goes-not my thing. I really am a "what is the sense I get around this person" kind of girl.


As a rule of thumb:

If I get a "good feeling" hanging around someone, I will hang around them more. If that goes well, I will eventually invite them to hang around my "group". If that goes well and they become a "good fit" in my circle, then I will consider the possibility of dating.
 
What do you enjoy doing? Seems to me if you're open about who you are and what your relationship structure is the right sort of people will just kind of find you. I do know that you have mentioned before not liking your local poly group much otherwise I would suggest that.
The local poly group, is comprised mostly of hippies. That works for them, but not for me. Does that make sense? I enjoy fighting sports, and those types of things actually make most of them sick. So, here I am. Blah....
 
The local poly group, is comprised mostly of hippies. That works for them, but not for me. Does that make sense? I enjoy fighting sports, and those types of things actually make most of them sick. So, here I am. Blah....

It could be there are other people in your area who feel the same way as you do about your local poly group. Have you ever thought about starting up your own events based on things you like to do (ie pub nights to watch MMA)? It might be a slow start but who knows, it could catch on.

ETA Invite the people who are currently in the poly group and invite them to send the invite to poly friendly people who might be interested in the event.
 
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dating sites

I've had good experiences so far with dating sites and with meeting people 'the old fashioned way' through friends and poly groups. However, I'm not looking for serious, committed partners - if I was, I suspect my experience on dating sites would be very different.

I met SW through mutual friends. My best friend dated him for a time and I met him through her. I met Oil Man through Plenty of Fish. Yes, there is a lot of dreck messages. I figure if they can't bother sending a real message, I can't be bothered to respond.

I soon realized that my profile inadvertently reads like a fantasy come true (bi-ish female with female partner seeks casual relationships with men = SCORE for many male POFers). This results in lots of messages about threesomes and if my partner wanted to watch, etc. It's been very entertaining!

Unfortunately, I've had zippo luck in meeting women on POF in part because POF does not allow one to state an interest in both. I am on OKC too but find that my profile has not generated much interest. Not sure why.
 
Sundance (my husband) has had a tough time with online dating so far. Well, he is not sure he is really poly, for one thing, so that is a problem. It's ME who wants him to have more love. I wish there were a way for me to advertise him! Because one of his most endearing qualities is his humble nature -- how can you attract people online if you don't toot your own horn? Always comes across as so pompous and fake. The other thing is, a picture would speak for itself, he is very handsome, BUT -- we want to be discreet. He found a really great girl on one of the sites, I encouraged him to converse with her, send a pic, etc --- turns out our kids go to the SAME SCHOOL. Shit. Too close for comfort. And he didn't exactly present himself, or our situation, as poly -- he said that I have a boyfriend, and we are just starting the separation process, and that our kids don't know yet. That's not going to work. Even though -- we've gone thru some rough patches lately where we actually WERE on the brink of separating, so it wasn't a complete lie... Still, it would be very awkward to have her see us together at a school function or something, being all lovey with each other. Not to mention if we know any mutual acquaintances. I mean, we are just not "out."

He did get a couple of aggressive women who were really interested in a serious relationship, which freaked him out. One kept texting him all day long, another reamed him out for not responding soon enough to one of her messages.

He's tried going out to bars but that has been a sad scene so far. Lots of desperate people.

Other than that, he works long hours with a long commute every day, and wants to be with his family and works out regularly, and has not come across anyone who he could spark something up with. I don't even have any friends who would be prospects for him. And yes -- he is pretty picky. She'd have to be very attractive -- he is very fit and does put a lot of effort into looking good and would only appreciate the same. Yet, he is older than he looks, so it's not like he can go out and pick up the carefree girls in their 20's. (And wouldn't want to -- our daughters are in their 20's!)

Anyways -- it's a jungle out there! I guess he's sorta stuck with me for now.
 
...he is older than he looks, so it's not like he can go out and pick up the carefree girls in their 20's. (And wouldn't want to -- our daughters are in their 20's!)

Funny, I have no problem with age gaps, as long as the 20something in question is mature for his age. Lots of older guys are just as immature as some 20somethings, and then add in wrinkles, unfortunate walrus mustaches, a tendency to monologue, and being out of touch with modern life/technology/music/politics... meh.

Also! Older guys are intimidated by condoms. Some act like they're doing me a favor to use one, others tell me if they put one on, they'd lose their erection. :rolleyes:
 
The local poly group, is comprised mostly of hippies. That works for them, but not for me. Does that make sense? I enjoy fighting sports, and those types of things actually make most of them sick. So, here I am. Blah....

I can relate. Most of the people in my local poly circle of friends have much different opinions and interests than I do...fighting is one of them!! I get it.
 
However, meeting people online is my thing. Not on purpose at all, just because I'm not very social outside and I spend a lot of time online, like right now. So I usually grow more connections this way, and they can develop into friendship or relationships.

Really, it's the same as yours. I meet people usually on forums, therefore I meet people who have a common interest with me (that forum) and not just random people, and sometimes more happens. It's closer to joining a club and happening to socialise with the other members.

Same here! :) It hasn't been on purpose, but I have met many nice people online, some of whom I have become close friends with. This is also how I met my girlfriend. Neither of us was looking for a relationship and we first met irl as friends, but there was more going on once we got together. :p

I can concider people close even if I haven't ever met them, but I tend to think as friends only people I've met at least once. After that it doesn't matter if most of our communication happens on the Internet, we can still be friends if there is enough contact. In a romantic relationship I find the real-life connection more important (although online communication is definitely a nice bonus!).
 
Online dating has always seemed natural to me. Way back in 1996, I met who would become my wife on Yahoo! Personals. I've essentially been online dating since Mosaic became the browser of choice. I understand, however, that the dynamic is completely different for men than for women. Women are literally bombarded with a platoon of messages from a host of seedy and near seedy characters. The gems are few and far between it seems. If I were on the other end, I might be as turned off from it as others.

I do send messages. But, my strategy is to craft a very authentic and relatively telling portrait of myself and let interesting people self select. I usually get a message or two every couple of weeks and they tend to be more interesting and interested than the messages I send to others. Seems to work.

I have trouble with meeting someone in other contexts while poly. I am progressively being more and more open about being poly - but it's not something I talk about very quickly in getting to know people. So, that's a barrier to meeting people in daily life. I do attend poly gatherings when I can. But, I have no real intention in finding dating partners in those settings. I'd be happy if it happened. But, if I put that kind of pressure on attending those events, I fear I'd never go!
 
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