First 'challenge' and I am not dealing

While I'm sorry you now have to deal with "break up ugh" I am glad to hear you decided to end a relationship that wasn't feeding you rather than dragging it out. It wasn't sounding like what you are ultimately seeking and like the return on your investment wasn't up to snuff for you.

You have EVERY right to feel whatever it is you feel. Feelings come and go. They don't have to make sense to you at the time. Like the sense of hearing, seeing, touch, etc? The sense of emotions helps give you feedback about the world around you and let you know when your actions/thoughts are in alignment, help you decide things, and more. Some feelings are yummy to feel, some are yucky to feel -- all of them give you some data about the situation you are in.

So you decided something. Hopefully in time you will start to feel better and come to find that this decision served you well.



GL!
Galagirl

Thanks GG .. a return on my investment sounds clinical but you are right .. at some point it has to be looked at in such terms I guess :confused:

Thanks for the response
 
Pretty much. :/

Sooner or later it is "pros and cons" time and if the "cons" side of the list is longer? Might be time to stop putting so much in.

Again, I'm sorry to hear you have to deal in break up ugh right now. I hope it leads to better later though.

Hang in there.

Galagirl
 
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******* please don't hate me :eek:

LOL! Poly is not a club with in members and out members. No one will hate you for honestly assessing a situation and finding that it won't work. :)
 
Well .. he and I talked and he addressed the 'DTR' talk which is what bought me to this forum in the first place.

He wants him and me to be a 'hub' .. the most significant person in each other's lives without marriage/labels whatever ... this is exactly what I wanted (Needed??) to hear. It's perfect.

Bad news is: he thinks he needs to stay in his city for another 12 months and although there will be visits - I am not sure I can do another 12 months without going batshit crazy.

We aren't 'back on' as I told him I need to think things through - I have concerns about seeing others in a distance thing as well .. I am not sure that given that this is new to me anyhow that distance won't just exacerbate those initial teething issues.

I am not entirely sure how to bring all of this up .. whether or not to outline what will or won't work for me and leave it up to him to be okay/not okay with it or, hang in there for the short term and see how we go or, stick with my decision to walk away before it just gets even harder to.

Is it reasonable to say that I am not comfortable with either of us dating while we are still working at being together? That any issues that may come up are not going to be easily dealt with at a distance? I just cannot see me being okay with someone else being able to see him/spend time with him while I am stuck on a computer/phone ..

Be gentle with me .... I am not trying to control him .. I am trying to be honest with what I am quite sure will be my issues and save us both from some angst.

I don't even know how to express this to him without coming across as controlling .. I am okay with exploring his needs, I really am .. but I just think asking me to be okay with it from here, while he is there is a big ask (he hasn't asked, but, 12 months?. . I figure it is bound to come up)
 
Yeah, I don't know how people deal with long distance relationships, especially ones that have started out long distance, instead of being together initially and then one partner moving away temporarily for work/military service, or school.

How does one do it? You want to be primaries, but he can't/won't move for another year, and yet he seems interested in having local gfs/fuck buddies. NRE could well kick in and suddenly he and she are spending time together every day. Yuck. Where does that leave you, hanging on the telephone line? Bleh.
 
Yeah, I don't know how people deal with long distance relationships, especially ones that have started out long distance, instead of being together initially and then one partner moving away temporarily for work/military service, or school.

How does one do it? You want to be primaries, but he can't/won't move for another year, and yet he seems interested in having local gfs/fuck buddies. NRE could well kick in and suddenly he and she are spending time together every day. Yuck. Where does that leave you, hanging on the telephone line? Bleh.

Exactly .. no matter which way I spin it .. it just looks .. sucky.
 
I don't subscribe to primary and secondary relationships myself. I also dont do long distance well.
Maca has to work out of town at times. Gg will be the first to say its miserable for all of us but most especially its rough on me.
More than 2 weeks apart and It gets messy.
 
It's funny cuz it's true . . . :(

xkcd-boyfriend.png
 
Could just go for straight up honest conversation. Something like:

"I am okay with you exploring your needs, I really am.

I just think asking me to be you "main hub" person over Long Distance Relationship for 12 mos is not for me. I do not like LDR. I just cannot see me being okay with someone else being able to see you and spend time with you while I am stuck on a computer/phone. I rather be Closed until we are local if I LDR'd at all, and you rather date other people now. We are not compatible.

I prefer to stick with my decision to walk away before it just gets even harder to. Then I spare myself any future angst over LDR problems and you are free to date who you wish. You could look me up when local and we see what we see then."

There. Problems solved. If he DOES move in 12 mos, and you still want to date him then at that time, great. Date him then.

But at THIS point in time? You wanted to end if for a reason. Could let it BE ended for a while and see what that feels like and see if it serves you better.

You have every right to have your relationships in the manner you enjoy best. So's he. If they line up, great. If not, it's not. That's what the dating time if FOR -- to find those best compatible.

Galagirl
 
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Could just go for straight up conversation. Something like:

"I am okay with you exploring your needs, I really am.

I just think asking me to be you "main hub" person over Long Distance Relationship for 12 mos is not for me. I just cannot see me being okay with someone else being able to see you and spend time with you while I am stuck on a computer/phone. I rather be Closed until we are local, and you rather date now. We are not compatible.

I prefer to stick with my decision to walk away before it just gets even harder to. Then I spare myself any future angst over LDR problems and you are free to date who you wish."

There. Problems solved. If he DOES move in 12 mos, and you still want to date him then at that time, great. Date him then.

But at THIS point in time? You wanted to end if for a reason. Could let it BE ended for a while and see what that feels like and see if it serves you better.

Galagirl

This is actually what I had in mind .. well, I was going to ask him for a couple of weeks to think things through but let him know that this is where my head is at right now.

I don't see any way around it unless he is prepsred to visit VERY regularly and that seems unsustainable really.

Thanks :)
 
One of my big fears about putting things on ice for 12 months is that he and I will lose what we have .. at the moment, we talk almost every day, usually for a couple of hours and we have just gotten to the point of finally figuring out what we want from each other so .. it is frustrating to think of giving that up.

Can a relationship be picked up down the road?

I have had a few ex's come back after time - I have one from 10 years ago in contact now - but as a friend - I have never found it possible or desirable to rekindle anything romantic.

This might be just me perhaps? :confused:
 
One of my big fears about putting things on ice for 12 months is that he and I will lose what we have .. at the moment, we talk almost every day, usually for a couple of hours and we have just gotten to the point of finally figuring out what we want from each other so .. it is frustrating to think of giving that up.

You don't have to give up contact.

You don't even have to give up the romance.

You could give up expecting to have it RIGHT THIS MINUTE and just wait til a better time.

Could call it a "friendship with romance potential" for now if that helps you feel better and be free to date others in the meanwhile.

Can a relationship be picked up down the road?

I think you mean "Can a romance be picked up down the road?"

Sure. Why not? Anything is possible.

Galagirl
 
One of the things I love about people who identify as poly is their seemingly open-ended approach to what feelings are or could be - your post is a perfect examples of that GG :)

For me, I have this rather B/W mentaility - and as we all know, the world is as we percieve it to be.

I guess I think that he and I have fouhgt some tough battles to arrive at the point we are at and dialling that down to a 'friendship' is difficult for me to conceptualise ... I need to think on this.
*** I have chickened out of making a decision tonight, I have spent the evening engrossed in a bottle of Absolut and pretenting that I am asexual .. it's working .. kinda ..

Thanks for the response :)
 
How about-not making that decision per se?

My boyfriend, GreenGecko,
We met 20 years ago.
We were friends.
Then we were lovers.
Then I moved and we were friends who talked a lot about sexy stuff.
Then I moved again.
We became lovers again.
etc
We now live together with my husband. We have a child. We are family.

But-through it all we were best friends and we loved each other.

The key-and this isn't always easy to learn to do-but once you force yourself to-it's really awesome;
is accepting whatever it is you can give/be to each other in the moment. Instead of projecting forward.

We kept our projection to-I will always love you. We didn't try to force that love to fit into any specific label. That is precisely we are still together today. Because we didn't bail on our love and friendship just because there were times we couldn't give each other the depth of love and commitment we wanted to have sometime.
 
A really beautiful thought and post - ty :)
 
I am not entirely sure how to bring all of this up .. whether or not to outline what will or won't work for me and leave it up to him to be okay/not okay with it or, hang in there for the short term and see how we go or, stick with my decision to walk away before it just gets even harder to.

If you KNOW what you need and what your firm boundaries are, it seems the only sane thing to do (in any relationship) is to say so, so the other party can make their decision if it works for them, or negotiate if there is a need.
 
xkcd comic

OMG I love that strip.

Had to print it out this AM and leave it on MrS's computer for him to enjoy. (He's a math geek). Later in the day he txt'd me and made reference to it - :D

JaneQ
 
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