Mohegan
New member
Hugs to you Mo....I feel for you...I really do. It'll get better. I promise.
thanks. I know it will. It always does.
This week has just sucked.
I haven't really had a dream at all while I've been here. Until last night. Dec 11th would have been my friend Larry's 28th birthday, but he was killed by a drunk driver when we were in highschool.
Last night I relieved his entire memorial service and funeral, with the added twist of getting lost in the church and being chased by ghosts asking for help.I don't usualy see faces, I get impressions. But I saw larry lying in the casket his eyes were closed, but it felt like he was looking right at me. They had a gauzy type sheet over his open casket during the real funeral, because his injuries distorted his appearance so much. But last night in the dream, there was no sheet.
Then I found out I had no work til tuesday, was all excited to spend the whole weekend with Karma, then found out he wasn't coming til saturday, then found out that Cricket and another set of friends hadn't paid him the gas money owed to him and he had to dip into the money set aside for gas to get to ohio, so now he's $40 short on gas money to get here. Then he agrees to come in on friday and we'll spend the majority of the time he's here as us time but we gotta get him here first.
Add to that the drama with him and Cricket, and me and Cricket, the fact that I miss him terribly, that I am taking EVERYTHING personaly and as an attack. My dad can't do anything around the house and my mom is working so it is all falling on me, including shoveling the drive b/c the snowblower won't work, and loading /unloading my dads 10 huge heavy bags full of ppr work he needs for work everynight.
I'm just at my wits end. My nerves are shot, my emotional capacity is shot. I have no idea what is reasonable and what is not. I'm fighting anxiety and panic everyday.
I'm not myself and I hate it.
I had thought when Karma first told me about the affairs, of looking up an ex here in ohio. I even tracked down his office number, but never used it.
I'm starting to wish I had. Not because I am interested in starting anything, I don't do long distance very well (as if you hadn't figured that out) but more just to have someone here to hold me and distract me. Someone outside of family to connect with. But I kind of knew that when I looked him up in the first place, and to me that felt like using him, so I never did anything with it. And this would be using him as well. So I guess its better the way it is. One more day and Karma will be here and we can work on us, enjoy our time together, spoil our niece and just chill out. My brother already has beer in the fridge waiting for Karma so he can escape my parents house.