My husband says he thinks he's poly!

Hello All-

My husband of 24 years has recently been telling me that he believes he is poly. I don't really know what to do with this. However, I have been really understanding and he has not sexually acted on this as of yet. He and I really love one an another and have children that are almost up and out. I have told him I don't know where I am at with all of this. I am growing a lot right now and expanding myself and questioning a lot of my beliefs. I don't know if I am interested in this lifestyle. I have never been with a woman nor do I know if I would like to be. I think some of this has to do with the fact that I do not have any really really close friends that are women. Quite frankly, my closest friend is my hubby. However, when the issues that arise are with him or our relationship, it makes it difficult to sometimes navigate.

I would really love for our marriage to last and I think he would too. I don't know how I feel about all of this, but I do know that I could not handle being any kind of secondary and would likely have to be included or I would get jealous.

There are so many issues that come up for me with this from the jealous to the practical. Just having to use birth control, condoms and worry about STD's sends me a bit over the edge as I have not had to deal with these issues in many years.

Does anyone out there have any guidance or advise for me? Any insight would be appreciated.

Thanks.
 
Just a quick question...why does he think he is poly? Has he developed and interest in some one already? How did he become aware of "poly"?
 
He did have some interest in a woman some months back, but as he got to know her more I think he is more into a friendship with her. He has always fallen easily, I guess. We were married very young and I have been his only partner. I think it is perhaps something he has felt for a long time but it is coming to the surface more now due to kids almost being raised, etc.
 
My first piece of advice is to take a deep breath.

My second is to really consider what you WOULD be willing/interested/able to do/be in life. Not what you think you can't handle.

I say this because when we focus on the negative-we create more negativity. When we focus on the positive, we create more positivity. There are other threads on this so I won't elaborate here.

My third is go pick up Opening Up. It's not a GREAT book in my opinion. But it has one feature-if you read nothing else-that IS GREAT for where you are right now.
That is-it lists TONS of different details that should be considered before opening up your marriage in any manner. It goes over all sorts of details you might not think of and very thoroughly.
THAT is very helpful for my next piece of advice. :)

My fourth piece of advice is to start working on a boundary agreement. That is-a RIGHT NOW we agree to these limits/privileges, ending with "and we agree to re-address these for possible changes/updates monthly for the next year.

Please feel free to ask more detailed/specific questions.
Good luck!
;)
 
Hi Dazed,

Well, first off I'd recommend education - for yourself - and with him if possible - on the various flavors of non-monogamous relationships. Particularly the differences often perceived between "swinging" and "polyamory".

See if you can find out if his feelings are primarily driven from a sexual direction. I (we) are from the camp that "sex is just sex". It's not the ONLY camp. Kept in proper perspective it's potentially harmless and can add some spice to long running relationships. If that turns out to be the case you may experiment with "swinging" first to test the waters.

It sounds like your relationship itself is good - and solid (your side so far) and if in fact that is true then you two should be able to "team up" and explore some things together safely. You can limit your own personal (sexual)involvement to whatever you are comfortable with and be together with him to share his enjoyment and fantasies.

A lot of people will tell you it moved their relationship to a whole new level !

Feel free to throw out questions here. There's good people here from all possible walks of life with broad experience. More than likely whatever bridge you are thinking crossing - someone else is already on the other side :)

GS
 
Education is a life saver for sure! There are TONS or threads on here with WEALTHS of information about what to do and what not to do. :)

Also there are threads with book suggestions and threads with links to other helpful sites too. (check out the 'general' forum it's really full of info).

And I can say for sure-moving into a polyamorous relationship changed our marriage for the better in SO MANY WAYS. ;)
 
Then there is also the other beneficial side...have you considered the idea of having a boyfriend? There could be a lot of excitement in this for you as well remember :)
 
I don't know if I am interested in this lifestyle. I have never been with a woman nor do I know if I would like to be. I think some of this has to do with the fact that I do not have any really really close friends that are women.


Polyamory is not synonymous with bisexuality.

You, yourself, do not have to have sex with or "be with" another woman.

I'm sensing that there is some expectation of threesomes and/or mutual girlfriend(s). You didn't say so but the way your sentence comes across, it's as though you take it as a given that you are "supposed to" be involved with other women in order to "be polyamorous".

Nothing could be further from the reality.

Do not let anyone pressure you into doing something you do not want to do.
 
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I think some of this has to do with the fact that I do not have any really really close friends that are women. Quite frankly, my closest friend is my hubby.

Welcome!!! Have you thought about why you don't have any woman friends? Maybe that would be something valuable to work on. When life gets difficult or complicated, one of the best things we can do (in my opinion) is focus on our own personal needs. We all need support from peers. This forum will offer a lot of support, for sure, but also- developing some friendships with other woman might be really rewarding for you.....just a thought.....
 
I totally appreciate your comments on focusing on what I can/am willing to do or be involved with. I agree with this that positivity begets more positivity. The book is a good sugggestion too. My hubby has a book that I have not yet read, but am planning to.

We have discussed some boundries, but the negotian is challenging to say the least. Partly because I don't really know what I am okay with. However, we are still working on this and are not leaping into too much just as yet.

I am really struggling to figure out what I am feeling. This is probably one of the biggest challenges in my life. Part of the challenge is that I have a lot of other difficult things in my life. Aging parents, a child moving away, recent family deaths. So sometimes I feel really lost in all this.

Thank you so very much for your response and willingness to listen.
 
Polyamory is not synonymous with bisexuality.

You, yourself, do not have to have sex with or "be with" another woman.

I'm sensing that there is some expectation of threesomes and/or mutual girlfriend(s). You didn't say so but the way your sentence comes across, it's as though you take it as a given that you are "supposed to" be involved with other women in order to "be polyamorous".

Nothing could be further from the reality.

Do not let anyone pressure you into doing something you do not want to do.

Oh. I am sorry to mislead you there. I completely understand that I do not have to "be with" another woman nor is my husband expecting that. He is not pressuring me for that. I guess right now that is the only way I think I could possibly do this without feeling really jealous and wondering what was going on.

Thank you for the clarification anyway.

Welcome!!! Have you thought about why you don't have any woman friends?

Yes. I have been with my husband since high school and we married shortly there after. I kind of did the typical thing girls will do and be with the boy and not the girlfriends. I was in college, working and a new marriage. Not much time for friends. Then came kids and all of that. I do have some women friends, but they are not what I would call the kind of friends you tell your most intimate stuff too.

I am working on reaching out more and meeting new women and have recently met a couple of ladies that I really like. However, the relationship is new and I don't really know them that well yet.

Your insights are spot on with this and it is something I am working on the best I can.

Thank you.
 
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Dazed-

Keep in mind-that you can create a "for the moment lets start with ONLY _______."

That is why I say go back over it monthly.
One of the things we are doing with D/s-which also has a boundary list- is we pick ONE new thing and see how it goes. If it works-GREAT. If not-we stop. But either way after a bit of time to get comfortable with the new activity OR decide we aren't going to keep doing it we come back to the table to identify a new activity.

You could do the same thing with Poly....
 
I am working on reaching out more and meeting new women and have recently met a couple of ladies that I really like. However, the relationship is new and I don't really know them that well yet.

I am so glad to hear this. It sounds like your life is super busy already with family (parents, kids) and that your needs for independence and autonomy have not been present in your life. When I became partners with Mono my husband went through a time of self discovery and change. I think that was the biggest gift to all of us is that we went about accomplishing that which makes us happy and fulfilled. Not that taking care of family is not fulfilling, just that there is so much more to do in life.

It's all very well to open up a relationship, but in my experience if there is any rock left unturned, it will be turned for us in figuring out a balanced poly lifestyle. It sounds like this could be the rock that is left unturned for you. Who knows, in turning it and going and getting your personal life in order, you could rekindle all kinds of good stuff in your marriage. Maybe there are even some rocks to turn that your husband would like to turn with you ;)
 
Thoughts on jealousy

D&C, welcome! It sounds like you're in a tricky spot. There's just one piece of advice I want to give...

First, quoting you:
Oh. I am sorry to mislead you there. I completely understand that I do not have to "be with" another woman nor is my husband expecting that. He is not pressuring me for that. I guess right now that is the only way I think I could possibly do this without feeling really jealous and wondering what was going on.

If you and your husband decide to go ahead with poly, I want you to know that you ARE going to feel jealous at some point-- and that's okay. :) Like every other "negative" feeling, it's irrational and it's going to happen sometimes, no matter what you and your husband do. The important thing is to be able to work through it somehow.

Here are links to two amazing articles (same author, same site-- lots of great stuff elsewhere on there if you're interested) on jealousy in poly relationships-- they go from the basis that feeling jealousy is a big sign from your brain telling you that something needs fixing. That 'thing' could be the relationship, or your husband's behavior, or your perception of a situation, or anywhere in between.

http://www.xeromag.com/fvpolyjealousy.html
http://www.xeromag.com/fvpolyrefrigerator.html

The best advice I can give you, if you decide to keep investigating poly possibilities, is to be open to a variety of possibilities. Everything has potential to trigger jealous feelings, but it's possible to work through that jealousy with lots of communication and slow baby steps.

Thanks for sharing, and good luck! Keep posting-- we're here for you.

In cahoots,
~S
 
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